It's been established that Twilight is fairly Wuthering Heights-tacular. Thus, McSweeny's presents: Catherine and Heathcliff audition for Twilight.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2009/11/20quatro.html
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Preview Reviews
Iron Man 2: Holy balls, does this movie look like it's going to be the shit. Robert Downey Jr acting cocky? Check. Mickey Rourke acting crazy? Check. Scarlet Johansson looking totally hot with dark hair? Check. Electric whips? Explosions? Guys in robotic suits fighting robots? Check, check, check. I am a little worried about all the new heroes and villains. Iron Man worked because of Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark. The supporting cast was excellent but he carried the movie. If the sequel goes all in on a bigger-is-better approach, it risks turning into Batman Forever.
Hot Tub Time Machine: If Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure proved anything, it was that combining idiots with time travel makes for good comedy. Hot Tub Time Machine appears to be taking the same approach. The title is the plot, for chrissakes. Craig Robinson has never been unfunny in a part. And including Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" in a trailer is always a good choice no matter what the circumstances. The plot looks paper-thin, which means I'm probably in for a letdown, but I think this could still work.
Hot Tub Time Machine: If Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure proved anything, it was that combining idiots with time travel makes for good comedy. Hot Tub Time Machine appears to be taking the same approach. The title is the plot, for chrissakes. Craig Robinson has never been unfunny in a part. And including Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" in a trailer is always a good choice no matter what the circumstances. The plot looks paper-thin, which means I'm probably in for a letdown, but I think this could still work.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 11
So here's the deal: sometimes literature, actual literature, gets in the way of crap. Also, I don't like reading Twilight on the train where people can see me reading it. So I'm a tad behind.
Chapter 11 isn't much different than the chapters that come before it, in that it's more of Bella and Edward getting to know each other/deepening their mutual obsession with each other. While they continue to get closer to each other, Edward still wants to stay distant, and Bella would rather that everyone besides Edward just leave her alone. Like most of these middle chapters, it's light on plot.
There is one exception: Hottie McWerewolf himself, Jacob Black, reappears. Granted, at this point Jacob was just a normal teenager, and not the underage heartthrob he became in late 2009. Believe it or not, there was a time when he looked exactly like a young girl. Jacob's father is friend's with Bella's, and they all arrive at la casa Swan while Edward is still hanging out in the front yard, causing him to hightail it outta there. Apparently, Jacob really wasn't kidding when he said that vampires and werewolves didn't like each other.
I've learned, though, that the joys of Twilight have (thus far) little to do with its paper-thin plot and more to do with those moments where you can't believe the shit you're reading. For instance:
The science teacher shows a video during class instead of lecturing. "Mr. Banner shoved the tape into the reluctant VCR," Meyer writes, her use of personification not wrong, per se, but gratingly clumsy.
Bella is still a bitch to her friends. In gym class, good old Mike offers to be her partner for some sort of sport involving a racket - it's never specified what exactly they're playing - since Bella turns into Inspector Clouseau whenever sports are involved. Here, Bella learns the true meaning of friendship. "'Don't worry, I'll keep out of your way.' He grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike."
The anonymous CD that Bella listened to in chapter 7 reappears in all of its ambiguous glory. Wouldn't you know, Edward owns it too! That same, unnamed CD! Small world. Bands out there, if your songs have "a little too much bass and shrieking" and "complicated drum patterns," you've got a stake in Twilight. Once again, the popular theory that Bella is merely a cipher for the reader to project all of her (and yes, I do mean "her") characteristics upon gains ever more weight.
Chapter 11 isn't much different than the chapters that come before it, in that it's more of Bella and Edward getting to know each other/deepening their mutual obsession with each other. While they continue to get closer to each other, Edward still wants to stay distant, and Bella would rather that everyone besides Edward just leave her alone. Like most of these middle chapters, it's light on plot.
There is one exception: Hottie McWerewolf himself, Jacob Black, reappears. Granted, at this point Jacob was just a normal teenager, and not the underage heartthrob he became in late 2009. Believe it or not, there was a time when he looked exactly like a young girl. Jacob's father is friend's with Bella's, and they all arrive at la casa Swan while Edward is still hanging out in the front yard, causing him to hightail it outta there. Apparently, Jacob really wasn't kidding when he said that vampires and werewolves didn't like each other.
I've learned, though, that the joys of Twilight have (thus far) little to do with its paper-thin plot and more to do with those moments where you can't believe the shit you're reading. For instance:
The science teacher shows a video during class instead of lecturing. "Mr. Banner shoved the tape into the reluctant VCR," Meyer writes, her use of personification not wrong, per se, but gratingly clumsy.
Bella is still a bitch to her friends. In gym class, good old Mike offers to be her partner for some sort of sport involving a racket - it's never specified what exactly they're playing - since Bella turns into Inspector Clouseau whenever sports are involved. Here, Bella learns the true meaning of friendship. "'Don't worry, I'll keep out of your way.' He grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike."
The anonymous CD that Bella listened to in chapter 7 reappears in all of its ambiguous glory. Wouldn't you know, Edward owns it too! That same, unnamed CD! Small world. Bands out there, if your songs have "a little too much bass and shrieking" and "complicated drum patterns," you've got a stake in Twilight. Once again, the popular theory that Bella is merely a cipher for the reader to project all of her (and yes, I do mean "her") characteristics upon gains ever more weight.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The most inexplicable Preview Reviews ever
Death at a Funeral: There's an episode of 30 Rock where Tracy Morgan's character describes his involvement in an African-American remake of An Affair to Remember titled A Blaffair to Rememblack. In 2010, life will imitate art when he stars in the ensemble comedy Death at a Funeral, a remake of the 2007 British comedy of the same name. Was the original too British for American audiences or was it too white? Only history will tell us the answer.
It gets better, though: the director is Neil LaBute. Yes, acclaimed playwright and pilloried filmmaker Neil LaBute, he who bestowed upon the world Nicolas Cage punching out a woman while dressed in a bear costume. If anyone knows what an urban audience wants, it's him.
As for the trailer itself, it's actually not bad. The comedy is pretty broad but the original doesn't look like it was restrained either, and the cast is loaded with talent. Peter Dinklage even plays the same part he played in the British version. I'm not sure why the preternaturally bland James Marsden was chosen for such a zany role, though. Death at a Funeral might not be a bad film in the end, but it could certainly win an award for "least necessary."
Then again, maybe people just can't help but remake this movie: there's a Bollywood version of it too.
Spanish Movie: I fondly remember reading all those reviews of [REC] and The Sea Inside and seeing critics say, "I wish somebody spoofed this in the vein of Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans." Boy, was I in luck when I stumbled upon this trailer. Finally, that damn Almodovar gets what he deserves! I haven't remembered a lick of Spanish since my first year of college, so I can't translate any of the jokes, but who needs to when you have Leslie Neilsen mugging en Espanol? I still can't figure out what's more baffling: that this movie actually exists, or that Spaniards are calling their own spoof movie Spanish Movie?
It gets better, though: the director is Neil LaBute. Yes, acclaimed playwright and pilloried filmmaker Neil LaBute, he who bestowed upon the world Nicolas Cage punching out a woman while dressed in a bear costume. If anyone knows what an urban audience wants, it's him.
As for the trailer itself, it's actually not bad. The comedy is pretty broad but the original doesn't look like it was restrained either, and the cast is loaded with talent. Peter Dinklage even plays the same part he played in the British version. I'm not sure why the preternaturally bland James Marsden was chosen for such a zany role, though. Death at a Funeral might not be a bad film in the end, but it could certainly win an award for "least necessary."
Then again, maybe people just can't help but remake this movie: there's a Bollywood version of it too.
Spanish Movie: I fondly remember reading all those reviews of [REC] and The Sea Inside and seeing critics say, "I wish somebody spoofed this in the vein of Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans." Boy, was I in luck when I stumbled upon this trailer. Finally, that damn Almodovar gets what he deserves! I haven't remembered a lick of Spanish since my first year of college, so I can't translate any of the jokes, but who needs to when you have Leslie Neilsen mugging en Espanol? I still can't figure out what's more baffling: that this movie actually exists, or that Spaniards are calling their own spoof movie Spanish Movie?
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 10
Sweet, another placeholder chapter. Twilight comes to a standstill whenever the "action" moves to Forks High - who am I kidding, the entire story is lugubriously paced but that's beside the point.
Edward, ever the gentleman, drives Bella to school. Edward mentions that he's "breaking all the rules now" by canoodling with her, which is unintentionally amusing. Girls love the bad boy in the biker gang, well this one is such a bad boy that even the biker gang can't handle him anymore!
A long day of gossiping with her dipshit friends awaits Bella, given that they saw Bella and Edward together over the weekend. Bella has the drop on them, though, because her new squeeze can read their minds. That is, she will if she can survive being in Edward's presence. "He paused to catch a stray lock of my hair that was escaping the twist on my neck and wound it back into place. My heart spluttered hyperactively." I'm no expert on anatomy but it sure sounds like Bella's heart is hemorrhaging blood while simultaneously beating arrhythmically. There's almost collateral damage - "three people walking in the door stopped to stare at" Bella and Edward. I'm imagining a Three Stoges-style collision nearly being averted but that's just life at Forks High.
Bella has a great chance to turn the tables on Edward, but of course she blows it. She knows he's eavesdropping when she tells Jennifer about her "date" with Edward, so when she mentions how the waitress was gawking at him but he ignored her, she does so slightly toyingly. It's the first spark of life from her in the entire book. The rest of the time, though, she worries too much about what Edward is picking up. Bella's remark that she thinks she likes Edward more than he likes her proves to be a bone of contention during their lunch together, although since this is a Bella/Edward conversation it's predictably coma-inducing. For the record, she's wrong, but Edward isn't going to win World's Most Passionate Lover anytime soon, especially because he's intentionally distancing himself from Bella. Somehow this makes her fall for him even more.
There's also the usual bits about everyone in the cafeteria staring at them and Bella being unable to function in Edward's presence. It's not my fault this crap isn't fun to summarize.
Edward, ever the gentleman, drives Bella to school. Edward mentions that he's "breaking all the rules now" by canoodling with her, which is unintentionally amusing. Girls love the bad boy in the biker gang, well this one is such a bad boy that even the biker gang can't handle him anymore!
A long day of gossiping with her dipshit friends awaits Bella, given that they saw Bella and Edward together over the weekend. Bella has the drop on them, though, because her new squeeze can read their minds. That is, she will if she can survive being in Edward's presence. "He paused to catch a stray lock of my hair that was escaping the twist on my neck and wound it back into place. My heart spluttered hyperactively." I'm no expert on anatomy but it sure sounds like Bella's heart is hemorrhaging blood while simultaneously beating arrhythmically. There's almost collateral damage - "three people walking in the door stopped to stare at" Bella and Edward. I'm imagining a Three Stoges-style collision nearly being averted but that's just life at Forks High.
Bella has a great chance to turn the tables on Edward, but of course she blows it. She knows he's eavesdropping when she tells Jennifer about her "date" with Edward, so when she mentions how the waitress was gawking at him but he ignored her, she does so slightly toyingly. It's the first spark of life from her in the entire book. The rest of the time, though, she worries too much about what Edward is picking up. Bella's remark that she thinks she likes Edward more than he likes her proves to be a bone of contention during their lunch together, although since this is a Bella/Edward conversation it's predictably coma-inducing. For the record, she's wrong, but Edward isn't going to win World's Most Passionate Lover anytime soon, especially because he's intentionally distancing himself from Bella. Somehow this makes her fall for him even more.
There's also the usual bits about everyone in the cafeteria staring at them and Bella being unable to function in Edward's presence. It's not my fault this crap isn't fun to summarize.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 9
Chapter 9 is a continuation of the eighth chapter; Bella had been grilling Edward, now it's Edward's turn. He wants to know Bella's latest theory about his identity, but instead of her usual lame-brained superhero claptrap, she pulls out the vampire card. She claims that she doesn't buy it - after all, her exhaustive research on Google proved insufficient. But she also tells Edward that "it doesn't matter to me what you are." Slightly shocking for those of us who don't read between the lines, but we know that what she really means is that she doesn't care because he's sculpted from pure marble. That doesn't stop her from asking how old he is. He's seventeen, of course... but he's been seventeen for a while. Naturally, Bella's only reaction is that she's "pleased that he was still being honest with me." It's one thing to drink blood, but for the love of God don't lie about it.
Side note - Edward's one vice is driving expensive cars fast. It's a breath of fresh air to know that somebody in Forks is capable of having a good time, unlike You-Know-Who.
The beautiful thing about dealing with mythological creatures is that you can invent your own rules if what is popularly accepted doesn't suit your whims. Critics can bloviate all they want about Twilight vampires not being "real" vampires but unless you're well-versed in European folklore, you don't know shit about a real vampire and oh yeah, last time I checked vampires aren't real anyway (if you really want a vampire powers/weaknesses primer, check out this chart. So of course Edward can walk in the daylight and doesn't sleep in a coffin, those are just silly myths. He doesn't sleep in a coffin because he doesn't sleep - he's Cameron! - and the daylight thing... well, we all know what happens to these vampires in the daylight. He does drink blood, though, but he sticks to animal blood.
The rest of their conversation is not untrod ground, and I doubt it'll be the last variation on this theme. Edward talks about how dangerous he is, Bella says she doesn't care, Edward repeats that he's dangerous but doesn't leave her alone, etc. A more gifted author, or at least one not trying to pander to a certain audience, could mine this material for something useful. Frankenstein isn't a classic story simply because it's a gothic monster tale but because the creature aspires to be more than an abomination while fully realizing that he's damned. It's possible that Edward will have a compelling explanation for why he desires Bella, but Bella's love for Edward will almost certainly be solely predicated by the fact that he's exotic and gorgeous.
Hence the final sentences of the chapter, after Bella arrives safely at home. "About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second there was part of him - and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." He's James Dean with fangs, and he'll never be characterized deeper than that.
Side note - Edward's one vice is driving expensive cars fast. It's a breath of fresh air to know that somebody in Forks is capable of having a good time, unlike You-Know-Who.
The beautiful thing about dealing with mythological creatures is that you can invent your own rules if what is popularly accepted doesn't suit your whims. Critics can bloviate all they want about Twilight vampires not being "real" vampires but unless you're well-versed in European folklore, you don't know shit about a real vampire and oh yeah, last time I checked vampires aren't real anyway (if you really want a vampire powers/weaknesses primer, check out this chart. So of course Edward can walk in the daylight and doesn't sleep in a coffin, those are just silly myths. He doesn't sleep in a coffin because he doesn't sleep - he's Cameron! - and the daylight thing... well, we all know what happens to these vampires in the daylight. He does drink blood, though, but he sticks to animal blood.
The rest of their conversation is not untrod ground, and I doubt it'll be the last variation on this theme. Edward talks about how dangerous he is, Bella says she doesn't care, Edward repeats that he's dangerous but doesn't leave her alone, etc. A more gifted author, or at least one not trying to pander to a certain audience, could mine this material for something useful. Frankenstein isn't a classic story simply because it's a gothic monster tale but because the creature aspires to be more than an abomination while fully realizing that he's damned. It's possible that Edward will have a compelling explanation for why he desires Bella, but Bella's love for Edward will almost certainly be solely predicated by the fact that he's exotic and gorgeous.
Hence the final sentences of the chapter, after Bella arrives safely at home. "About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second there was part of him - and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." He's James Dean with fangs, and he'll never be characterized deeper than that.
We interrupt our Twilight coverage to bring you more Twilight.
From the video geniuses at Black20, who also blessed us with Transforminators, Saw School Musical, and the PG version of 300.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 8
After the previous chapter's plotless crapfest, it's only fair that we get a lot of activity in chapter 8. Bella and her loser "friends" go dress shopping for the Sadie Hawkins dance - Bella still intends on skipping, but somebody has to squeal about how cute one dress is and how another is so totally wrong, etc. They split up before dinner so Bella can check out a bookstore but of course she gets her dumb ass lost, and very nearly mugged/raped/murdered by some street toughs. Good thing Edward is there to save the day.
Yes, he's Bella's knight in sparkly armor, but right now he's too busy trying to keep from devouring her would-be attackers to be a proper Prince Charming. Fortunately he's got just what he needs to take his mind off of his bloodlust. "Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he tells Bella, perhaps with more insight than Meyer had in mind.
Edward can't keep up such suspicious behavior without an explanation, so he takes her to dinner. The waitress treats him like she needs a change of panties, and all of a sudden it hits me: Edward is Jon Hamm. For those of you who watched 30 Rock last year, Edward is the equivalent of the doctor who coasts through life by virtue of his staggering good looks. For those of you who don't watch 30 Rock, take a gander at this magnificent hunk of beefcake:
Fred Phelps would go gay for this man.
This, meanwhile, is what Edward looks like in the Twilight movies:
Robert Pattinson looks like he does more cocaine than Kristen Stewart.
I suppose when it comes to the ideal man, tweenage girls and I don't see eye to eye. I think I should be pleased.
Before I delve into our future soul mates' conversation, I should note the following sentence: "Edward was shrugging out of his jacket." It's one of those syntactical choices that cause mental red flags to pop up everywhere, and it's not the only time Meyer uses this expression, either.
Edward gets down to brass tacks: he can read everyone's mind, but for some reason he can't read Bella's. He admits to stalking her but it's for her own good: "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes." And he confesses that it was all he could do to keep from murdering the thugs she ran into. Not only does Bella take all of this information completely in stride, but she's more fascinated by him than ever before. The things you can get away with when (depending on what people find attractive) you have a jaw that's composed entirely of square angles or look like you haven't brushed your hair since the Clinton administration.
Yes, he's Bella's knight in sparkly armor, but right now he's too busy trying to keep from devouring her would-be attackers to be a proper Prince Charming. Fortunately he's got just what he needs to take his mind off of his bloodlust. "Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he tells Bella, perhaps with more insight than Meyer had in mind.
Edward can't keep up such suspicious behavior without an explanation, so he takes her to dinner. The waitress treats him like she needs a change of panties, and all of a sudden it hits me: Edward is Jon Hamm. For those of you who watched 30 Rock last year, Edward is the equivalent of the doctor who coasts through life by virtue of his staggering good looks. For those of you who don't watch 30 Rock, take a gander at this magnificent hunk of beefcake:
Fred Phelps would go gay for this man.
This, meanwhile, is what Edward looks like in the Twilight movies:
Robert Pattinson looks like he does more cocaine than Kristen Stewart.
I suppose when it comes to the ideal man, tweenage girls and I don't see eye to eye. I think I should be pleased.
Before I delve into our future soul mates' conversation, I should note the following sentence: "Edward was shrugging out of his jacket." It's one of those syntactical choices that cause mental red flags to pop up everywhere, and it's not the only time Meyer uses this expression, either.
Edward gets down to brass tacks: he can read everyone's mind, but for some reason he can't read Bella's. He admits to stalking her but it's for her own good: "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes." And he confesses that it was all he could do to keep from murdering the thugs she ran into. Not only does Bella take all of this information completely in stride, but she's more fascinated by him than ever before. The things you can get away with when (depending on what people find attractive) you have a jaw that's composed entirely of square angles or look like you haven't brushed your hair since the Clinton administration.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sometimes I read actual literature: Nickel and Dimed
I picked up a free used copy of Barbara Ehrenreich's Nickel and Dimed and decided to give it a shot, since I don't like being seen reading Twilight in public.
For those of you who haven't taken Intro to Sociology in the past five years, Ehrenreich takes a break from being a journalist and goes "undercover" to see what life is like as a member of the working poor. Whether it's in a Twin Cities Wal-Mart or a restaurant in Key West, she abandons her upper-class privilege and guts out living on scant hourly salaries. Spoiler alert: she thinks wages are too low.
To my surprise, it's very lighthearted. That's not to say that it's a cheerful romp through the travails of the lower class, but Ehrenreich's voice and sense of humor keep the proceedings from being too depressing. A nonfiction book such as this lives and dies on how well you identify with the author, and Ehrenreich is a very likable protagonist. She's done her research on nationwide trends, too; anyone willing to dismiss her reports as anecdotal evidence would do well to check out her footnotes. Nickel and Dimed is dependently liberal but it's not a screed.
Nickel and Dimed was written and published during a period of American prosperity, in the sweet spot of the dot-com bubble. Ehrenreich continually describes a tight labor market and how the poor have vanished from the public consciousness. It's grimly amusing how times have changed.
There's no question that Nickel and Dimed works, but whether it holds up under scrutiny or not is debatable. Though it's now a staple of college classes, it's not as academically sound as, say, William Julius Wilson's When Work Disappears (which, incidentally, is also ten times as depressing). It's no secret that Ehrenreich resides on the left side of the political spectrum, but the casual reader doesn't realize how so. According to Very Reliable Source Wikipedia, she's involved with the Democratic Socialists of America and NORML. This information doesn't discredit her, of course, but it's valid to assume that in writing Nickel and Dimed, she found what she was looking for.
That's the assertion of Adam Shepard, anyway, who wrote Scratch Beginnings as a response. Some cursory research into his book - where he sets out to find work in Charleston, SC with $25 and nothing else - has made me interested in reading it, not that my bookshelf isn't crowded enough as it is. Ehrenreich found nothing but failure; he ended up with a car, an apartment, and some money in savings. Of course, he's fresh out of college whereas she's a woman in her fifties, and he seemed to be pretty biased going into his social experiment himself. Ehrenreich relied heavily on residential hotels for shelter, a far more costly choice than a long-term apartment lease. But her experiment requires her to take short-term housing, and her research shows that she's not the only one blowing money on week-by-week housing. Nonetheless, it's always good to stay skeptical, even when reading a lauded work like Nickel and Dimed. Ehrenreich has a new book out about the pitfalls of optimism, and I'd love to check it out if I ever have the time. Shitty books don't read themselves, you know.
For those of you who haven't taken Intro to Sociology in the past five years, Ehrenreich takes a break from being a journalist and goes "undercover" to see what life is like as a member of the working poor. Whether it's in a Twin Cities Wal-Mart or a restaurant in Key West, she abandons her upper-class privilege and guts out living on scant hourly salaries. Spoiler alert: she thinks wages are too low.
To my surprise, it's very lighthearted. That's not to say that it's a cheerful romp through the travails of the lower class, but Ehrenreich's voice and sense of humor keep the proceedings from being too depressing. A nonfiction book such as this lives and dies on how well you identify with the author, and Ehrenreich is a very likable protagonist. She's done her research on nationwide trends, too; anyone willing to dismiss her reports as anecdotal evidence would do well to check out her footnotes. Nickel and Dimed is dependently liberal but it's not a screed.
Nickel and Dimed was written and published during a period of American prosperity, in the sweet spot of the dot-com bubble. Ehrenreich continually describes a tight labor market and how the poor have vanished from the public consciousness. It's grimly amusing how times have changed.
There's no question that Nickel and Dimed works, but whether it holds up under scrutiny or not is debatable. Though it's now a staple of college classes, it's not as academically sound as, say, William Julius Wilson's When Work Disappears (which, incidentally, is also ten times as depressing). It's no secret that Ehrenreich resides on the left side of the political spectrum, but the casual reader doesn't realize how so. According to Very Reliable Source Wikipedia, she's involved with the Democratic Socialists of America and NORML. This information doesn't discredit her, of course, but it's valid to assume that in writing Nickel and Dimed, she found what she was looking for.
That's the assertion of Adam Shepard, anyway, who wrote Scratch Beginnings as a response. Some cursory research into his book - where he sets out to find work in Charleston, SC with $25 and nothing else - has made me interested in reading it, not that my bookshelf isn't crowded enough as it is. Ehrenreich found nothing but failure; he ended up with a car, an apartment, and some money in savings. Of course, he's fresh out of college whereas she's a woman in her fifties, and he seemed to be pretty biased going into his social experiment himself. Ehrenreich relied heavily on residential hotels for shelter, a far more costly choice than a long-term apartment lease. But her experiment requires her to take short-term housing, and her research shows that she's not the only one blowing money on week-by-week housing. Nonetheless, it's always good to stay skeptical, even when reading a lauded work like Nickel and Dimed. Ehrenreich has a new book out about the pitfalls of optimism, and I'd love to check it out if I ever have the time. Shitty books don't read themselves, you know.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 7
Time to see what Bella Swan is up to this week in It's Always Surly in Forksadelphia.
As you may recall, Chapter 6 ended with a werewolf telling Bella that her hot frenemy is a vampire. She's having a hard time processing this information, naturally, and has a nightmare where Jacob turns into a wolf and attacks her and Edward comes to her rescue. Society can refine itself all it wants, but - and doubly so in the horror genre - sex will always equal death.
It also bears mentioning that there's a ridiculous sequence preceding Bella's dream where she tries to lose herself in music. Meyer doesn't tell us who the artist is, though, and doesn't even make one up, leading to sentences that are excruciating in their awkwardness.
The next day, Bella does some research on vampires, using the always reliable source The Internet. Frustrated by what she finds, she decides to go for a walk in the woods and... whatever.
I'm sorry, I don't feel like summarizing the rest of the chapter. It sucks. It really, really does.
Even people with no experience in creative writing has heard that it's better to show and not tell. Alas, Meyer is writing for a young audience using a first-person narrator, so all the reader gets is tell, tell, tell. The fact that Bella does all the telling makes it worse. Telling instead of showing isn't just the work of an unskilled author, it's also painfully boring. To make things worse, there are unbearable stretches where all of the sentences have "I" as the subject.
In summary, when Chapter 7 comes to a merciful end Bella is confused, sullen, and a pain in the ass. Same as it ever was.
As you may recall, Chapter 6 ended with a werewolf telling Bella that her hot frenemy is a vampire. She's having a hard time processing this information, naturally, and has a nightmare where Jacob turns into a wolf and attacks her and Edward comes to her rescue. Society can refine itself all it wants, but - and doubly so in the horror genre - sex will always equal death.
It also bears mentioning that there's a ridiculous sequence preceding Bella's dream where she tries to lose herself in music. Meyer doesn't tell us who the artist is, though, and doesn't even make one up, leading to sentences that are excruciating in their awkwardness.
The next day, Bella does some research on vampires, using the always reliable source The Internet. Frustrated by what she finds, she decides to go for a walk in the woods and... whatever.
I'm sorry, I don't feel like summarizing the rest of the chapter. It sucks. It really, really does.
Even people with no experience in creative writing has heard that it's better to show and not tell. Alas, Meyer is writing for a young audience using a first-person narrator, so all the reader gets is tell, tell, tell. The fact that Bella does all the telling makes it worse. Telling instead of showing isn't just the work of an unskilled author, it's also painfully boring. To make things worse, there are unbearable stretches where all of the sentences have "I" as the subject.
In summary, when Chapter 7 comes to a merciful end Bella is confused, sullen, and a pain in the ass. Same as it ever was.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 6
It's a brand new world for Twilight's sixth chapter: the beginnings of Team Jacob.
Bella and her loser friends go to La Push for the day. Perhaps my mind was playing tricks on me, since I've been itching to visit the Pacific Northwest for a few years now, but Meyer's description of the coastline isn't half bad - dare I say evocative.
The kids from Forks are soon joined by some young Quileutes from the nearby reservation. One of them is a boy named Jacob. As in, this is how Meyer introduces him: "All I caught was that one of the girls was also named Jessica, and the boy who noticed me was named Jacob." The second time she mentions him: "three teenagers from the reservation perched around the circle, including the boy named Jacob." That's the thing about Meyer's oft-maligned writing, it's not bad per se, it just doesn't sound right. There's something oddly entertaining about the writing of ESL students; they know the language well enough but their sentences verge on idiosyncratic. Meyer's work, however, simply begs for an editor.
Jacob isn't a total dip like the rest of the Forks bunch and somehow manages to let Bella's good side shine for once. She even manages to joke around with him. Is it because he has an actual personality, or is it because he has "a very pretty face"? I'd say it's 50/50.
Unfortunately, Bella ruins everything by attempting to flirt with Jacob in an attempt to pry information about the Cullens out of him. Once again she constantly reminds us that it's "a stupid plan" that is "sure-to-be-pitiful" and that Edward does it better. It's as if she wants us to hate her.
The plan works, though. Jacob is apparently a sucker for a clumsy face so he gives her some info on the down-low about not only the Cullens but the Quileutes. Not only do tribal legends claim that the Cullens are vampires, they also state that the Quileutes descended from wolves, effectively making them werewolves - and the natural enemies of vampires. Not that Jacob would ever believe that. Those are just old ghost stories, right?
In a book saturated with stupidity, I have to grudgingly admit that turning a Native American tribe into a pack of werewolves is pretty ingenious, given that American cultural history has always (possibly apocryphally) painted Native Americans as being one with nature. But really, again with the werewolves vs vampires thing? Was ripping off Underworld too enticing to pass up? Maybe I'm just not as in touch with current trends as the kids are these days but it's always seemed like a half-baked rivalry concocted just to put two mythical creatures in opposition with each other. Guess I should start writing that spec script about Frankensteins vs mummies.
Bella and her loser friends go to La Push for the day. Perhaps my mind was playing tricks on me, since I've been itching to visit the Pacific Northwest for a few years now, but Meyer's description of the coastline isn't half bad - dare I say evocative.
The kids from Forks are soon joined by some young Quileutes from the nearby reservation. One of them is a boy named Jacob. As in, this is how Meyer introduces him: "All I caught was that one of the girls was also named Jessica, and the boy who noticed me was named Jacob." The second time she mentions him: "three teenagers from the reservation perched around the circle, including the boy named Jacob." That's the thing about Meyer's oft-maligned writing, it's not bad per se, it just doesn't sound right. There's something oddly entertaining about the writing of ESL students; they know the language well enough but their sentences verge on idiosyncratic. Meyer's work, however, simply begs for an editor.
Jacob isn't a total dip like the rest of the Forks bunch and somehow manages to let Bella's good side shine for once. She even manages to joke around with him. Is it because he has an actual personality, or is it because he has "a very pretty face"? I'd say it's 50/50.
Unfortunately, Bella ruins everything by attempting to flirt with Jacob in an attempt to pry information about the Cullens out of him. Once again she constantly reminds us that it's "a stupid plan" that is "sure-to-be-pitiful" and that Edward does it better. It's as if she wants us to hate her.
The plan works, though. Jacob is apparently a sucker for a clumsy face so he gives her some info on the down-low about not only the Cullens but the Quileutes. Not only do tribal legends claim that the Cullens are vampires, they also state that the Quileutes descended from wolves, effectively making them werewolves - and the natural enemies of vampires. Not that Jacob would ever believe that. Those are just old ghost stories, right?
In a book saturated with stupidity, I have to grudgingly admit that turning a Native American tribe into a pack of werewolves is pretty ingenious, given that American cultural history has always (possibly apocryphally) painted Native Americans as being one with nature. But really, again with the werewolves vs vampires thing? Was ripping off Underworld too enticing to pass up? Maybe I'm just not as in touch with current trends as the kids are these days but it's always seemed like a half-baked rivalry concocted just to put two mythical creatures in opposition with each other. Guess I should start writing that spec script about Frankensteins vs mummies.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 5
We open as Edward continues to mercilessly play mind games with Bella. This time, Captain Passive Aggressive invites Bella to sit with him during lunch, a big deal considering that Edward only sits with the rest of his family. There's also the fact that the most attractive man in human history is plucking little ol' Bella from the throngs of the great unwashed.
Edward is "giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." A breath of fresh air given how we've been saddled with our perpetually high-strung heroine. Edward and Bella engage in some banter about what kind of person he really is, and a recurring theme emerges: their deep conversations are mind-numbingly uninteresting. Edward plays everything close to the vest, what with the whole vampire thing and all. Bella is Bella. And thus we get two people perpetually dancing around a subject. Bella's theory about Edward is that he's a superhero, and she actually wants him to take her seriously.
Fortunately, lunch ends, saving the reader from more of this dreck. Time for Biology, except Edward is skipping class that day. Not because he's a rouge, but because they're doing blood tests in class. Bella, of course, gets woozy even at the mention of blood and has to be carted away to the nurse's office. She's intercepted by Edward on her way, however, and smooth talks everyone into letting him take Bella home so she can recover, forcing us to slog through more dialogue between the two.
It's here that we get another indication of Twilight's shoddy writing. Meyer can't be arsed to physically describe anyone other than Edward. The reader knows every last detail about his perfection, including minute-by-minute updates on the color of his eyes. Bella is something of a blank slate. Edward asks about Bella's mother as he drives her home, and she responds "she looks like me, but she's prettier." Compare this to Bella's initial description of her mother in the first chapter: "My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines." Keep in mind that this is the sixth paragraph in the novel and we have no idea at this point what Bella looks like. Unless you're indescribably gorgeous, you aren't worth describing at all.
Their chat in Edward's car is essentially a repeat of what they went over during lunch. Bella, Miss Congeniality as ever, says that she's the only adult in her family. Edward drops unsubtle hints that he's 100% evil. And so on.
As Edward bids her adieu at the end of the chapter, he asks her not to kill herself in a fit of clumsiness during her weekend trip to the beach. He's grinning; she snaps at him. Our soul mates, ladies and gentlemen.
Edward is "giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." A breath of fresh air given how we've been saddled with our perpetually high-strung heroine. Edward and Bella engage in some banter about what kind of person he really is, and a recurring theme emerges: their deep conversations are mind-numbingly uninteresting. Edward plays everything close to the vest, what with the whole vampire thing and all. Bella is Bella. And thus we get two people perpetually dancing around a subject. Bella's theory about Edward is that he's a superhero, and she actually wants him to take her seriously.
"Please just tell me one little theory." His eyes still smoldered at me. [ed: OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME SOMETHING CANNOT SMOLDER AT SOMETHING ELSE.]That's Bella in a nutshell. Edward is playful, she's mopey and unimaginative. Even Meyer cant' stand the conversation, apparently, because she decides to pull out the stops with Edward. "What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"
"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover?
"That's not very creative," he scoffed.
"I'm sorry, that's all I've got," I said, miffed.
"You're not even close," he teased.
"No spiders?"
"Nope."
"And no radioactivity?"
"None."
"Dang," I sighed.
"Kryptonite doesn't bother me either," he chuckled.
"You're not supposed to laugh, remember?"
Fortunately, lunch ends, saving the reader from more of this dreck. Time for Biology, except Edward is skipping class that day. Not because he's a rouge, but because they're doing blood tests in class. Bella, of course, gets woozy even at the mention of blood and has to be carted away to the nurse's office. She's intercepted by Edward on her way, however, and smooth talks everyone into letting him take Bella home so she can recover, forcing us to slog through more dialogue between the two.
It's here that we get another indication of Twilight's shoddy writing. Meyer can't be arsed to physically describe anyone other than Edward. The reader knows every last detail about his perfection, including minute-by-minute updates on the color of his eyes. Bella is something of a blank slate. Edward asks about Bella's mother as he drives her home, and she responds "she looks like me, but she's prettier." Compare this to Bella's initial description of her mother in the first chapter: "My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines." Keep in mind that this is the sixth paragraph in the novel and we have no idea at this point what Bella looks like. Unless you're indescribably gorgeous, you aren't worth describing at all.
Their chat in Edward's car is essentially a repeat of what they went over during lunch. Bella, Miss Congeniality as ever, says that she's the only adult in her family. Edward drops unsubtle hints that he's 100% evil. And so on.
As Edward bids her adieu at the end of the chapter, he asks her not to kill herself in a fit of clumsiness during her weekend trip to the beach. He's grinning; she snaps at him. Our soul mates, ladies and gentlemen.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 4
I realize why I like Edward so much - he's totally messing with Bella.
Forks High School's Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up, and Bella gets asked out by two different guys. Yes, you heard that right. Despite being the clumsiest girl alive, guys can't stop thinking about her. Bella doesn't have much of an ego, though, so she's annoyed by all the attention. These wannabe Romeos are fairly pathetic, too, and I'd be tempted to sympathize with her if it hadn't already been established that her vagina was an exact replica of the Sarlaac from Return of the Jedi.
The fawning gets so bad that Bella decides to give a plausible excuse for dodging her suitors. She's been cooped up in a small town for so long, so she's due for a trip to Seattle the weekend of the dance.
There's one guy in the whole of Forks who isn't nipping at her heels, and that's Edward. He might have saved her life, but that doesn't mean they're besties. He gives her the silent treatment during Biology, breaking it later to tell her that "it's better if we're not friends." Bella is none too happy: "I'd heard that before," she thinks to herself, probably because she's used to saying it. Then Edward pulls a truly devious stunt after school, intentionally holding up traffic in the parking lot so a third guy can ask Bella to the girls' choice dance.
Even better: after he fesses up about his shenanigans, he offers Bella a ride to Seattle. His sports car gets better milage than her truck, and he was planning to head up there anyway, so why not be a gentleman. Bella's feeble mind can barely function at this point, since the hottest guy in human history is playing hard-to-get with her, but she manages to acquiesce. Oh, Edward, you cad.
Chapter 4 is a good opportunity to go meta for a second. Stephenie Meyer is frequently criticized for making Bella a Mary Sue. For those of you who are unfamiliar with fan fiction terminology (lucky bastards with social lives), a Mary Sue is an author surrogate who is suspiciously idealized/romanticized. Meyer is neither a stunner nor unattractive, but assuming that she went through one of those typical childhood awkward phases, why wouldn't she want to write a character who rejects every guy in school that asks her to a dance? More to follow, I'm sure.
Forks High School's Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up, and Bella gets asked out by two different guys. Yes, you heard that right. Despite being the clumsiest girl alive, guys can't stop thinking about her. Bella doesn't have much of an ego, though, so she's annoyed by all the attention. These wannabe Romeos are fairly pathetic, too, and I'd be tempted to sympathize with her if it hadn't already been established that her vagina was an exact replica of the Sarlaac from Return of the Jedi.
The fawning gets so bad that Bella decides to give a plausible excuse for dodging her suitors. She's been cooped up in a small town for so long, so she's due for a trip to Seattle the weekend of the dance.
There's one guy in the whole of Forks who isn't nipping at her heels, and that's Edward. He might have saved her life, but that doesn't mean they're besties. He gives her the silent treatment during Biology, breaking it later to tell her that "it's better if we're not friends." Bella is none too happy: "I'd heard that before," she thinks to herself, probably because she's used to saying it. Then Edward pulls a truly devious stunt after school, intentionally holding up traffic in the parking lot so a third guy can ask Bella to the girls' choice dance.
Even better: after he fesses up about his shenanigans, he offers Bella a ride to Seattle. His sports car gets better milage than her truck, and he was planning to head up there anyway, so why not be a gentleman. Bella's feeble mind can barely function at this point, since the hottest guy in human history is playing hard-to-get with her, but she manages to acquiesce. Oh, Edward, you cad.
Chapter 4 is a good opportunity to go meta for a second. Stephenie Meyer is frequently criticized for making Bella a Mary Sue. For those of you who are unfamiliar with fan fiction terminology (lucky bastards with social lives), a Mary Sue is an author surrogate who is suspiciously idealized/romanticized. Meyer is neither a stunner nor unattractive, but assuming that she went through one of those typical childhood awkward phases, why wouldn't she want to write a character who rejects every guy in school that asks her to a dance? More to follow, I'm sure.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 11/11
First, let me acknowledge how stupid and useless last week's Top Chef reunion dinner was.
And now for this week's episode. Two words: Nigella Lawson. It's a good thing Toby was judging this week and not Gail, because if you put her and Nigella in the same room there'd be a souffle rising in my pants (HEY-O!). I'd never even heard of Nigella before this week.
(Googles her to check her credentials)
(notices that "Nigella Lawson breasts" is the second thing that comes up on Google's auto fill-in feature)
(no, I didn't select that option)
(discovers pictures on Google Image Search)
Ho-leeeee shit.
She's Gorgeous McBaberson. AND she says that a pannacotta "should quiver like a 17th century courtesan's inner thigh." That's the hottest thing that's been said on television, like, ever.
I'm sorry. I lost focus. There was actual cooking on this show, and quite a bit of controversy in my mind, because I think that not only should Michael not have won, Robin should not have gone home.
Yeah, you heard me.
Let's backtrack a little. The gimmick of the elimination challenge was that the cheftestants were supposed to create a dish inspired by a randomly-chosen casino. Michael got New York, New York. Easy enough, right? New York City evokes so many images, feelings, and flavors, that of course he'd come up with... a chicken wing. Because that's what New York firefighters eat. Seriously, his words. Of course, it's how the dish tastes that really counts, and it very well could have been the tastiest one of the night. I still think he half-assed the concept. Kevin and Bryan made much better connections between their food and their respective casinos.
Incidentally, I cannot be the only person who thought Bryan was a goner once he bought that stuffed animal for his son. The editors, it seems, are wising up to what we look for.
Now let's move onto the bottom half. At first I thought Jennifer was destined to be PYKAG'd. Her steak was tough and the dish looked very dark brown and unappealing. After hearing the judges pillory Eli's dish, I thought he was a lock for being sent home. Toby's appraisal during the challenge indicated that Eli decided to go big or go home and although his dish was a failure they respected that he at least aspired for something. During judges table, however, he got brutalized. Fair enough, if it was a terrible dish it was a terrible dish. Robin, at first, appeared to turn in another classic Robin performance - unquestionably bad, but not the worst dish of the night. Like Eli, she reached for the stars got hit by a 747, but wasn't quite as bad as he was. She got the boot anyway.
We all knew that Robin's exit was weeks overdue. But I still think she got robbed. To hear the judges say it, Eli's dish was hands-down the worst of the night. But Robin is Robin, so away she goes. I'll be the first to admit that I'm crazy for defending her, but you can sense the producers' interference in the judging of this episode to a ridiculous extent. Maybe I'm in a contrarian mood because Michael got the win for a conceptually lazy dish.
Power rankings? Not anymore, folks. There are five very good chefs left. Eli's laid a few eggs, and Jennifer is nose-diving, but it's a strong bunch all things considered. Kevin and the Brothers V make it to the final cook-off, and you can put that in the bank.
And now for this week's episode. Two words: Nigella Lawson. It's a good thing Toby was judging this week and not Gail, because if you put her and Nigella in the same room there'd be a souffle rising in my pants (HEY-O!). I'd never even heard of Nigella before this week.
(Googles her to check her credentials)
(notices that "Nigella Lawson breasts" is the second thing that comes up on Google's auto fill-in feature)
(no, I didn't select that option)
(discovers pictures on Google Image Search)
Ho-leeeee shit.
She's Gorgeous McBaberson. AND she says that a pannacotta "should quiver like a 17th century courtesan's inner thigh." That's the hottest thing that's been said on television, like, ever.
I'm sorry. I lost focus. There was actual cooking on this show, and quite a bit of controversy in my mind, because I think that not only should Michael not have won, Robin should not have gone home.
Yeah, you heard me.
Let's backtrack a little. The gimmick of the elimination challenge was that the cheftestants were supposed to create a dish inspired by a randomly-chosen casino. Michael got New York, New York. Easy enough, right? New York City evokes so many images, feelings, and flavors, that of course he'd come up with... a chicken wing. Because that's what New York firefighters eat. Seriously, his words. Of course, it's how the dish tastes that really counts, and it very well could have been the tastiest one of the night. I still think he half-assed the concept. Kevin and Bryan made much better connections between their food and their respective casinos.
Incidentally, I cannot be the only person who thought Bryan was a goner once he bought that stuffed animal for his son. The editors, it seems, are wising up to what we look for.
Now let's move onto the bottom half. At first I thought Jennifer was destined to be PYKAG'd. Her steak was tough and the dish looked very dark brown and unappealing. After hearing the judges pillory Eli's dish, I thought he was a lock for being sent home. Toby's appraisal during the challenge indicated that Eli decided to go big or go home and although his dish was a failure they respected that he at least aspired for something. During judges table, however, he got brutalized. Fair enough, if it was a terrible dish it was a terrible dish. Robin, at first, appeared to turn in another classic Robin performance - unquestionably bad, but not the worst dish of the night. Like Eli, she reached for the stars got hit by a 747, but wasn't quite as bad as he was. She got the boot anyway.
We all knew that Robin's exit was weeks overdue. But I still think she got robbed. To hear the judges say it, Eli's dish was hands-down the worst of the night. But Robin is Robin, so away she goes. I'll be the first to admit that I'm crazy for defending her, but you can sense the producers' interference in the judging of this episode to a ridiculous extent. Maybe I'm in a contrarian mood because Michael got the win for a conceptually lazy dish.
Power rankings? Not anymore, folks. There are five very good chefs left. Eli's laid a few eggs, and Jennifer is nose-diving, but it's a strong bunch all things considered. Kevin and the Brothers V make it to the final cook-off, and you can put that in the bank.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Wait, what?
Andy Cohen is openly gay?
I'm no gayologist. My gaydar is fully functional, yet occasionally spotty.
It's a proven fact that Mr. Cohen is a douchebag. Up to this moment, I had been convinced that every douchebag in the history of douchebags had been straight. In fact, it's almost a prerequisite - see the following video for proof:
So I pose this question to you, dear reader: with the exception of Andy Cohen, is it impossible for a gay man to be a douchebag?
I'm no gayologist. My gaydar is fully functional, yet occasionally spotty.
It's a proven fact that Mr. Cohen is a douchebag. Up to this moment, I had been convinced that every douchebag in the history of douchebags had been straight. In fact, it's almost a prerequisite - see the following video for proof:
So I pose this question to you, dear reader: with the exception of Andy Cohen, is it impossible for a gay man to be a douchebag?
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapters 2-3
The Bella Swan Queen Bitch Tour picks up right where it left off, as our fair lady writes emails to her hysterical mother, shops for groceries, and cooks dinner because she's the only capable member of the family. Edward, on the other hand, is nowhere to be seen for several days.
Then comes the first snow of the season, and it soon becomes fairly obvious that Stephenie Meyer has never seen snow in her life because a class period's worth of flurries is evidently enough to form snowballs. Plans are made for an epic snowball fight (nobody at this high school has matured past kindergarten, apparently) but soon abandoned once the temperature rises and the snow is washed away by the rain. I live in Chicago. I know snow. SNOW DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY.
Fortunately, this completely useless diversion coincides with Edward's return to school. To Bella's surprise, he's much friendlier to her during Biology. He's even as smart as she is, and she took an advanced science class back home in Phoenix because she's better than everybody else. And here's the real kicker - I kind of like Edward. Granted, anyone would come off like Jimmy Stewart after having to put up with Bella. But Edward is perceptive, in control during any situation, thoughtful, and well-mannered. I don't know how Robert Pattinson plays the scene in the movie, since he usually comes off as Gloomy McBrooderson, but Edward as written is one suave guy.
I'd like him a lot more if it wasn't constantly smashed into my skull that's he's so damn perfect. It's not enough that he looks like a model. Every physical thing about him is flawless. It would be enough for most attractive male specimens to have a perfect face, but Edward has a perfect smile - oh why the hell not, let's make his teeth perfect too. Curt Hening wasn't this perfect.
It's especially clear that Edward has warmed on Bella when he saves her from being hit by a van in the school parking lot, despite being nowhere near her when it barrels toward her. And his body makes a dent in it but he's not hurt. And he lifts the van up to keep it from hitting Bella. Of course he denies that anything out of the ordinary happened, insisting he was next to her the entire time.
But even when Bella's mind is consumed with suspicion it's not enough to raise the temperature of her heart past absolute zero. That guy who almost killed her keeps on profusely apologizing - what a dweeb. All of her friends that she doesn't give two shits about are in the hospital waiting room because they're so lame. That neck brace looks awkward on her, so she takes it off. And did her father really have to tell her mom that she almost died? Totally embarrassing!
We end the third chapter with Bella taking a few Tylenol to soothe her injuries. Unfortunately, instead of grabbing ten more and washing them down with a fifth of Jack, she goes to sleep and dreams of Edward. Drat.
Then comes the first snow of the season, and it soon becomes fairly obvious that Stephenie Meyer has never seen snow in her life because a class period's worth of flurries is evidently enough to form snowballs. Plans are made for an epic snowball fight (nobody at this high school has matured past kindergarten, apparently) but soon abandoned once the temperature rises and the snow is washed away by the rain. I live in Chicago. I know snow. SNOW DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY.
Fortunately, this completely useless diversion coincides with Edward's return to school. To Bella's surprise, he's much friendlier to her during Biology. He's even as smart as she is, and she took an advanced science class back home in Phoenix because she's better than everybody else. And here's the real kicker - I kind of like Edward. Granted, anyone would come off like Jimmy Stewart after having to put up with Bella. But Edward is perceptive, in control during any situation, thoughtful, and well-mannered. I don't know how Robert Pattinson plays the scene in the movie, since he usually comes off as Gloomy McBrooderson, but Edward as written is one suave guy.
I'd like him a lot more if it wasn't constantly smashed into my skull that's he's so damn perfect. It's not enough that he looks like a model. Every physical thing about him is flawless. It would be enough for most attractive male specimens to have a perfect face, but Edward has a perfect smile - oh why the hell not, let's make his teeth perfect too. Curt Hening wasn't this perfect.
It's especially clear that Edward has warmed on Bella when he saves her from being hit by a van in the school parking lot, despite being nowhere near her when it barrels toward her. And his body makes a dent in it but he's not hurt. And he lifts the van up to keep it from hitting Bella. Of course he denies that anything out of the ordinary happened, insisting he was next to her the entire time.
But even when Bella's mind is consumed with suspicion it's not enough to raise the temperature of her heart past absolute zero. That guy who almost killed her keeps on profusely apologizing - what a dweeb. All of her friends that she doesn't give two shits about are in the hospital waiting room because they're so lame. That neck brace looks awkward on her, so she takes it off. And did her father really have to tell her mom that she almost died? Totally embarrassing!
We end the third chapter with Bella taking a few Tylenol to soothe her injuries. Unfortunately, instead of grabbing ten more and washing them down with a fifth of Jack, she goes to sleep and dreams of Edward. Drat.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter One
Bella Swan is a bitch.
She's our heroine, our narrator, our emotional core in a world of vampires, and I hated her by page 7.
Maybe I don't do well with irascible youngsters as the first-person narrator - when I read Catcher in the Rye in high school I wanted to punch Holden Caulfield in the face. But Bella's problems are much lesser than a world full of phonies. Her parents divorced when she was young, and after living in Phoenix with her mother (who is "scatterbrained") during her formative years, she's spending high school tenure with her father in gloomy Forks, WA (Bella's "personal hell on Earth"). Charlie's not a bad guy, though. Sure, her new ride is an decades-old pickup truck, but he got it for her as a welcome home present. Whatcha think, Bella?
"Wow. Free."
Oh, you cunt.
So she warms on the car later. She's young, she's from a broken home, maybe she'll turn out okay eventually. Then comes the first day of school. Having been there myself, I can say that the first day at a new school sucks. It's the definition of awkward. You do your best to find some allies in the other new kids and hope that everything turns out for the best. It's even worse in a small town like Forks, where everybody knows everybody and a newcomer sticks out like a sore thumb. All eyes are on her, although in Bella's mind it's not just because she's the new girl; she's clearly superior to the small town hicks. She's desperate not to stand out, but everyone gravitates towards her nonetheless. She gets the syllabus for her English class and she's read it all before. Twice she associates bravery with those who attempt to talk to her. Girls try to befriend her but she can't remember their names. As far as the eligible bachelors of Forks go, the nerdy guy who tries to help her through her first day she labels "overly helpful." The more attractive one who helps her, however, is "the nicest person I'd met today." But then comes Edward.
He and his vampire buddies sit together at lunch, away from the great unwashed. Bella's instantly drawn to them - and why not? They're ridiculously attractive, well-dressed, and graceful. They're equally aloof, which doesn't fare well for Bella when the only free seat in her biology class is next to him. He looks like he wants to kill her the entire time, for reasons she can't fathom. When the bell rings, he bolts. "He was so mean. It wasn't fair." Poetic justice, it seems, is lost on her.
As far as first impressions of Stephenie Meyer's much bemoaned writing style, it's pretty clumsy in that easily accessible Dan Brown way but rarely terrible. It could be intentional; after all, the narrator is a teenage girl. So no demerits... yet.
She's our heroine, our narrator, our emotional core in a world of vampires, and I hated her by page 7.
Maybe I don't do well with irascible youngsters as the first-person narrator - when I read Catcher in the Rye in high school I wanted to punch Holden Caulfield in the face. But Bella's problems are much lesser than a world full of phonies. Her parents divorced when she was young, and after living in Phoenix with her mother (who is "scatterbrained") during her formative years, she's spending high school tenure with her father in gloomy Forks, WA (Bella's "personal hell on Earth"). Charlie's not a bad guy, though. Sure, her new ride is an decades-old pickup truck, but he got it for her as a welcome home present. Whatcha think, Bella?
"Wow. Free."
Oh, you cunt.
So she warms on the car later. She's young, she's from a broken home, maybe she'll turn out okay eventually. Then comes the first day of school. Having been there myself, I can say that the first day at a new school sucks. It's the definition of awkward. You do your best to find some allies in the other new kids and hope that everything turns out for the best. It's even worse in a small town like Forks, where everybody knows everybody and a newcomer sticks out like a sore thumb. All eyes are on her, although in Bella's mind it's not just because she's the new girl; she's clearly superior to the small town hicks. She's desperate not to stand out, but everyone gravitates towards her nonetheless. She gets the syllabus for her English class and she's read it all before. Twice she associates bravery with those who attempt to talk to her. Girls try to befriend her but she can't remember their names. As far as the eligible bachelors of Forks go, the nerdy guy who tries to help her through her first day she labels "overly helpful." The more attractive one who helps her, however, is "the nicest person I'd met today." But then comes Edward.
He and his vampire buddies sit together at lunch, away from the great unwashed. Bella's instantly drawn to them - and why not? They're ridiculously attractive, well-dressed, and graceful. They're equally aloof, which doesn't fare well for Bella when the only free seat in her biology class is next to him. He looks like he wants to kill her the entire time, for reasons she can't fathom. When the bell rings, he bolts. "He was so mean. It wasn't fair." Poetic justice, it seems, is lost on her.
As far as first impressions of Stephenie Meyer's much bemoaned writing style, it's pretty clumsy in that easily accessible Dan Brown way but rarely terrible. It could be intentional; after all, the narrator is a teenage girl. So no demerits... yet.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
It's on now: I'M BLOGGING TWILIGHT.
I don't watch that many horror movies. When I do, they tend to involve zombies. But if I had to pick a second favorite monster, it would be vampires.
When I was a kid, I caught a bit of Bram Stoker's Dracula on television. I can't remember exactly what about it hooked me, but watch the trailer and it's not hard to see how it draws you in. There's a chaotic energy to the camerawork and editing, and a sumptuousness in the costumes and art design that borders on erotic. The effects are straight-up old school. And every inch of it is dripping with sex.
Yes, sex. They might be undead and totally evil but there's something damn sexy about a well-dressed, smooth talking vampire. Martin Landau mentions as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood that "If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see Dracula." If you'd rather see a young lady make out with a young lady, there's always the lesbian vampire genre. Lesbian zombies? Not in a million years. But you can't have sex without violence, and vampire movies provide plenty of that, too. The vampire movie, it seems, is tailor made for the part of the male human brain that never evolved past "caveman." Or "high school freshman" for that matter.
So imagine my surprise when a year or two ago, a new kind of vampire takes America by storm. He doesn't feast upon our fragile, virginal women. He doesn't mow through victims, leaving a trail of demolished jugulars in his wake. He's not even European. He's a sparkly brooding pretty boy and he's stolen the hearts of tweens and lonely housewives everywhere.
Seriously?
Let's not be so reactionary, you say. Remember Interview with the Vampire? It's a who's who of beefcake. Not so fast, I counter. Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas are men's men. There is no "Team Lestat."
It would be easy to mock the Twilight series sight unseen, to write off its success as the product of an easily manipulated female fan base (their brains are smaller than men's, you know). God knows I've done that with enough of pop culture's drecks already. But the Twilight series is different. It's not a phenomenon on the level of Hannah Montana or High School Musical, it's an actual, honest-to-God phenomenon; the film adaptation of the first book was the 7th highest grossing film of 2008. It earned almost $200 million. That's more than any James Bond film.
I must know my enemy.
I must read Twilight.
When I was a kid, I caught a bit of Bram Stoker's Dracula on television. I can't remember exactly what about it hooked me, but watch the trailer and it's not hard to see how it draws you in. There's a chaotic energy to the camerawork and editing, and a sumptuousness in the costumes and art design that borders on erotic. The effects are straight-up old school. And every inch of it is dripping with sex.
Yes, sex. They might be undead and totally evil but there's something damn sexy about a well-dressed, smooth talking vampire. Martin Landau mentions as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood that "If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see Dracula." If you'd rather see a young lady make out with a young lady, there's always the lesbian vampire genre. Lesbian zombies? Not in a million years. But you can't have sex without violence, and vampire movies provide plenty of that, too. The vampire movie, it seems, is tailor made for the part of the male human brain that never evolved past "caveman." Or "high school freshman" for that matter.
So imagine my surprise when a year or two ago, a new kind of vampire takes America by storm. He doesn't feast upon our fragile, virginal women. He doesn't mow through victims, leaving a trail of demolished jugulars in his wake. He's not even European. He's a sparkly brooding pretty boy and he's stolen the hearts of tweens and lonely housewives everywhere.
Seriously?
Let's not be so reactionary, you say. Remember Interview with the Vampire? It's a who's who of beefcake. Not so fast, I counter. Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas are men's men. There is no "Team Lestat."
It would be easy to mock the Twilight series sight unseen, to write off its success as the product of an easily manipulated female fan base (their brains are smaller than men's, you know). God knows I've done that with enough of pop culture's drecks already. But the Twilight series is different. It's not a phenomenon on the level of Hannah Montana or High School Musical, it's an actual, honest-to-God phenomenon; the film adaptation of the first book was the 7th highest grossing film of 2008. It earned almost $200 million. That's more than any James Bond film.
I must know my enemy.
I must read Twilight.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The case for: V
V is off to a way better start than Flash Forward, ABC's other new sci-fi ensemble show (and possible successor to Lost, so hopes the network) of the 2009 television season. However, that's 100% based off of the final 10 minutes.
The majority of V is spent introducing our main protagonists and antagonists of the series and setting up the plot. It's fairly rote stuff. The exposition isn't very compelling, mostly because this is a remake and even if it weren't, everyone and their brother knows that the aliens are obviously evil. I'm predisposed to like Elizabeth Mitchell's character and think Morena Baccarin is silkily creepy, thanks to their respective turns in Lost and Firefly. Everyone else, I couldn't be bothered to care about yet. Speaking of which, add in Alan Tudyk and this show is a television sci-fi fan's wet dream. I half expected Summer Glau to show up as Cameron and blow all the aliens away. Evil aliens are why we need killer robots, people!
Fortunately, shit gets real at the end. Those terrorist cells that our heroes were investigating? They're made up of aliens! And Wash is one of them! But that black dude who used to be involved with the conspiracy theorists is here to kick ass and save the day! And now Wash is dead! And that black guy is a good alien! It's crazy and slightly predictable but by golly it works.
So yes, my endorsement of V is strictly on its potential. But I was more involved in those final minutes than I was for three episodes of Flash Forward. It's worth a shot.
The majority of V is spent introducing our main protagonists and antagonists of the series and setting up the plot. It's fairly rote stuff. The exposition isn't very compelling, mostly because this is a remake and even if it weren't, everyone and their brother knows that the aliens are obviously evil. I'm predisposed to like Elizabeth Mitchell's character and think Morena Baccarin is silkily creepy, thanks to their respective turns in Lost and Firefly. Everyone else, I couldn't be bothered to care about yet. Speaking of which, add in Alan Tudyk and this show is a television sci-fi fan's wet dream. I half expected Summer Glau to show up as Cameron and blow all the aliens away. Evil aliens are why we need killer robots, people!
Fortunately, shit gets real at the end. Those terrorist cells that our heroes were investigating? They're made up of aliens! And Wash is one of them! But that black dude who used to be involved with the conspiracy theorists is here to kick ass and save the day! And now Wash is dead! And that black guy is a good alien! It's crazy and slightly predictable but by golly it works.
So yes, my endorsement of V is strictly on its potential. But I was more involved in those final minutes than I was for three episodes of Flash Forward. It's worth a shot.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Octoberfest But With Horror Movies Instead of Beer: Evil Dead edition
After my experience with Drag Me to Hell, it only made sense to give director Sam Raimi's earlier horror films a shot. I made my way through 2/3 of his Evil Dead series, Evil Dead and it's sequel/remake Evil Dead II.
I almost wish that I'd only seen Evil Dead II; it's essentially the same film as Evil Dead only the budget is roughly ten times larger. Both films suffer from the same weaknesses: a complete lack of characterization, amateur performances, and a bare semblance of plot. And both films have the same strength, a madcap imagination that fuels the inventive camerawork and wall-to-wall violence. Although the first film has some superb gross-out moments in its finale that its sequel can't hold a candle to, anything that Evil Dead can do Evil Dead II can do better.
But sometimes "better" isn't good enough, and while Raimi's "Three Stooges meets Night of the Living Dead" tone is awfully fun, there's very little reason to be invested in the films. The characters - stereotypes at best, redshirts at worst - are plopped into the woods and get possessed. Ash, the erstwhile hero of the films, is remarkably bland for someone revered as a badass by fans (perhaps the screenwriters inject some life into him in Army of Darkness). I'd say that these were just rookie errors, but I didn't care much for the plot or characters in Drag Me to Hell either. I'd love to see more of Raimi, but only as a collaborator. He's worked with the Coen Brothers in the past and if the three of them teamed up for a horror film I'd be there on opening night. When it comes to him as an auteur, though, I find the results sadly lacking.
I almost wish that I'd only seen Evil Dead II; it's essentially the same film as Evil Dead only the budget is roughly ten times larger. Both films suffer from the same weaknesses: a complete lack of characterization, amateur performances, and a bare semblance of plot. And both films have the same strength, a madcap imagination that fuels the inventive camerawork and wall-to-wall violence. Although the first film has some superb gross-out moments in its finale that its sequel can't hold a candle to, anything that Evil Dead can do Evil Dead II can do better.
But sometimes "better" isn't good enough, and while Raimi's "Three Stooges meets Night of the Living Dead" tone is awfully fun, there's very little reason to be invested in the films. The characters - stereotypes at best, redshirts at worst - are plopped into the woods and get possessed. Ash, the erstwhile hero of the films, is remarkably bland for someone revered as a badass by fans (perhaps the screenwriters inject some life into him in Army of Darkness). I'd say that these were just rookie errors, but I didn't care much for the plot or characters in Drag Me to Hell either. I'd love to see more of Raimi, but only as a collaborator. He's worked with the Coen Brothers in the past and if the three of them teamed up for a horror film I'd be there on opening night. When it comes to him as an auteur, though, I find the results sadly lacking.
Top Chef Las Vegas 10/28
Meh.
Worst episode of the season by a long shot. It's not even close.
Take the Quickfire, for starters. The contestants were supposed to put their spin on TV dinners, using classic shows as inspirations. Only three of the dishes strongly related to the shows they were based off of. You can't blame Mike for not knowing how to do a Seinfeld-based dish, but Michael's Cheers-based dish was devoid of anything resembling pub/bar food. Only two dishes were reasonable facsimiles of what you'd find in the frozen foods section. Apparently you can put anything in a compartmentalized tray and claim that it's your take on a TV dinner. Lame.
Then comes the Elimination Challenge, which throws everyone for a loop by forcing them to cook vegetarian dishes using what's available in the kitchen of Tom Colicchio's Vegas steakhouse. Remember the vegan challenge from Top Chef Masters? That not only tested the flexibility of the chefs but also produced interesting dishes. However - I assume due to the limitations of what was in the restaurant's pantry - in this episode the dishes were by and large nothing but veggies on a plate. No fruits, no soups, no salads, barely any starches. If you enjoy watching six chefs make six vegetable dishes, boy have I got an episode for you.
Kevin sweeps, Robin survives, Jen continues her surprising self-destruction, and Mike gets the boot. Our favorite Jersey douchebag wasn't even that interesting this week, getting some half-hearted jabs at Robin in at the end and adopting a que sera sera attitude the entire time. I'll miss the scamp anyway.
Completely disinterested power rankings!
1. Kevin
2. Bryan
3. Michael
4. Eli
5. Jennifer
6. Robin
Next week: my dinner with Fabio!
Worst episode of the season by a long shot. It's not even close.
Take the Quickfire, for starters. The contestants were supposed to put their spin on TV dinners, using classic shows as inspirations. Only three of the dishes strongly related to the shows they were based off of. You can't blame Mike for not knowing how to do a Seinfeld-based dish, but Michael's Cheers-based dish was devoid of anything resembling pub/bar food. Only two dishes were reasonable facsimiles of what you'd find in the frozen foods section. Apparently you can put anything in a compartmentalized tray and claim that it's your take on a TV dinner. Lame.
Then comes the Elimination Challenge, which throws everyone for a loop by forcing them to cook vegetarian dishes using what's available in the kitchen of Tom Colicchio's Vegas steakhouse. Remember the vegan challenge from Top Chef Masters? That not only tested the flexibility of the chefs but also produced interesting dishes. However - I assume due to the limitations of what was in the restaurant's pantry - in this episode the dishes were by and large nothing but veggies on a plate. No fruits, no soups, no salads, barely any starches. If you enjoy watching six chefs make six vegetable dishes, boy have I got an episode for you.
Kevin sweeps, Robin survives, Jen continues her surprising self-destruction, and Mike gets the boot. Our favorite Jersey douchebag wasn't even that interesting this week, getting some half-hearted jabs at Robin in at the end and adopting a que sera sera attitude the entire time. I'll miss the scamp anyway.
Completely disinterested power rankings!
1. Kevin
2. Bryan
3. Michael
4. Eli
5. Jennifer
6. Robin
Next week: my dinner with Fabio!
A Man for New Seasons: The Venture Bros. and It's Always Sunny
The Venture Bros. has come roaring out of the gate in its fourth season. Everything that I hated the most about the third season is pleasantly absent. Whereas last season's premiere didn't even feature the title characters and focused exclusively on The Monarch, "Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel" puts the Venture family front and center - even H.E.L.P.E.R.! And while the second episode of season three trotted out Dr. Killinger, a character I never really cared for in the first place, "Handsome Ransom" introduces Captain Sunshine and a handful of other new superheroes (I am begging for Ghost Robot to reappear). While the episode's vaguely pedophilia-related undertones are hardly new ground, the episode was bonkers enough for everything to work. So long as the current season continues to introduce new characters and not get bogged down in its own mythology, this could be one of the best seasons yet.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia barely warrants a mention; the show has never bothered to flesh out its characters or construct broad story arcs. As long as the gang continues to behave reprehensibly the series will be funny, and so far it has fulfilled this obligation.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia barely warrants a mention; the show has never bothered to flesh out its characters or construct broad story arcs. As long as the gang continues to behave reprehensibly the series will be funny, and so far it has fulfilled this obligation.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 10/21
RESTAURANT WARS.
I was looking forward to this all day (it helps when you have the day off and don't need to think about important stuff). Bravo was showing the restaurant wars episodes from seasons past and I caught the one from the first season, which I hadn't seen before. They had 3 vs. 3 for that one. Crazy. Then again, there were fewer diners as well. I was surprised that Stephen survived - was a prick for the whole season, or just that episode? - but fortunately he got PYKAG'd in the next episode.
I hope they bring back the tag team quickfire, because that was a really fun and original challenge. It needs to be a staple like the relay race.
I was a little bummed that the chefs weren't in charge of the decor. Sure, the decor comes second to the food, but it allows the cheftestants to show off a different side.
This is the last time I prognosticate about what happens on Top Chef. I was certain that one of the stronger chefs would be eliminated, specifically Jennifer or a Voltaggio brother. And I was doubly certain after seeing the teams that Jennifer/Kevin/Mike/Laurine would win, given that their personalities wouldn't clash. Well the only thing I got right was that Robin would survive to die another day. The chefs for Mission didn't clash but nobody took charge, either - Michael is a domineering hardass, but he gets results and his team pulled through.
The real bone of contention is: should Laurine have been kicked off? Honestly, the judges could have sent Jennifer home and I would have understood completely. She's the better chef by a long shot, but Laurine had a slightly better showing. "Slightly" being the operative word. Hell, I would've wilted too.
Power Rankings!
1. Bryan
2. Kevin
3. Michael
4. Jennifer
5. Eli
6. Mike
7. Robin
Not that it matters anymore. With the stronger chefs surviving restaurant wars by a hair, it'll be smooth sailing for the top four until the final few episodes. It's possible that the Voltaggio Brother Death Feud could send one into a tailspin and leave a spot open for Mike or Eli, but the top four are just that damn good. Remember, it's been nine episodes and they are the only ones to have won an elimination challenge. That's ridiculous.
I was looking forward to this all day (it helps when you have the day off and don't need to think about important stuff). Bravo was showing the restaurant wars episodes from seasons past and I caught the one from the first season, which I hadn't seen before. They had 3 vs. 3 for that one. Crazy. Then again, there were fewer diners as well. I was surprised that Stephen survived - was a prick for the whole season, or just that episode? - but fortunately he got PYKAG'd in the next episode.
I hope they bring back the tag team quickfire, because that was a really fun and original challenge. It needs to be a staple like the relay race.
I was a little bummed that the chefs weren't in charge of the decor. Sure, the decor comes second to the food, but it allows the cheftestants to show off a different side.
This is the last time I prognosticate about what happens on Top Chef. I was certain that one of the stronger chefs would be eliminated, specifically Jennifer or a Voltaggio brother. And I was doubly certain after seeing the teams that Jennifer/Kevin/Mike/Laurine would win, given that their personalities wouldn't clash. Well the only thing I got right was that Robin would survive to die another day. The chefs for Mission didn't clash but nobody took charge, either - Michael is a domineering hardass, but he gets results and his team pulled through.
The real bone of contention is: should Laurine have been kicked off? Honestly, the judges could have sent Jennifer home and I would have understood completely. She's the better chef by a long shot, but Laurine had a slightly better showing. "Slightly" being the operative word. Hell, I would've wilted too.
Power Rankings!
1. Bryan
2. Kevin
3. Michael
4. Jennifer
5. Eli
6. Mike
7. Robin
Not that it matters anymore. With the stronger chefs surviving restaurant wars by a hair, it'll be smooth sailing for the top four until the final few episodes. It's possible that the Voltaggio Brother Death Feud could send one into a tailspin and leave a spot open for Mike or Eli, but the top four are just that damn good. Remember, it's been nine episodes and they are the only ones to have won an elimination challenge. That's ridiculous.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Next Iron Chef: postscript
It figures. The night that I post my appraisal of the first two episodes of The Next Iron Chef, the third episode messes everything up. First, the opening challenge is independently judged. Then Mehtra serves an insipid take on the challenge, Americanizing thai food simply by putting it in takeout containers. I would've sent him home for lack of imagination alone, although combining a pierogi with a dumpling isn't brilliant either.
Also, Jeffrey Steingarten is a dick.
Also, Jeffrey Steingarten is a dick.
A Man for New Seasons: The Next Iron Chef
When all you've ever eaten is filet mignon, it's hard to adjust to a lesser cut. Such is the case with cooking reality shows. I've only ever watched Top Chef and its spinoff. I attempted watching an episode of Hell's Kitchen once for kicks and turned it off about five minutes in. I've always been a fan of the Iron Chef series but that's an entirely different animal, built around colorful dishes and gimmickery. With The Next Iron Chef, the Food Network is trying to take a page from Bravo's playbook.
At first, I was surprised that another chef was needed - wasn't five enough? But Batali hasn't cooked once all season (too bad, I like him) and Morimoto cooks sparingly (ditto). And somebody needs to pick up Cat Cora's slack - she wins less than 60% of the time. Meanwhile, first season winner Michael Symon is doing pretty well for himself.
Is it unfair to compare The Next Iron Chef exclusively to Top Chef? Yes. But one of these shows is the gold standard, and the other is the upstart.
Next Iron Chef borrows the preliminary challenge/elimination round format from Top Chef but throws in a nifty wrinkle by having the chefs evaluate each other's dishes in the beginning challenge. There's no secret ballot, which strikes me as unfair - perhaps that's edited out to ramp up the drama.
In place of Padma as host, there's Alton Brown. I'd say that's a pretty solid tradeoff; Brown does a great job as host of Iron Chef America and his culinary credentials trump Ms. Lakshmi's. But he's behind a booth on Iron Chef America and Next Iron Chef forces him to intermingle. It's in this role that he struggles. Padma and Tom Colicchio have this act down pat, but Alton Brown tends to stand uncomfortably close to the contestants and interject awkward statements. With his pocket notebook in hand, he comes off sort of like an overbearing college professor.
Next Iron Chef also takes more of an educational stance. Its parent show has often focused on interesting tidbits about different foods and cooking techniques and the spinoff follows suit, including pop-up text balloons that explain the origins of certain dishes and describing culinary terms to the layperson. I wish Top Chef did this too; I only recently found out that creme fraiche was more akin to sour cream than fresh cream.
The challenges have been fairly vanilla so far, and so have the challengers. Just like in Top Chef Masters, these competitors are professionals in their field and pettiness is not encouraged. There is a vague attempt to make Nate Appleman a villain, but it's pretty weak.
Will I keep watching? Perhaps. Mad Men already occupies a piece of my Sunday nights so another show isn't going to hurt. But I could easily miss a few episodes and not lose any sleep.
As for early handicaps, I like Jehangir Mehta. But like in any reality cooking show, it's too early to tell.
At first, I was surprised that another chef was needed - wasn't five enough? But Batali hasn't cooked once all season (too bad, I like him) and Morimoto cooks sparingly (ditto). And somebody needs to pick up Cat Cora's slack - she wins less than 60% of the time. Meanwhile, first season winner Michael Symon is doing pretty well for himself.
Is it unfair to compare The Next Iron Chef exclusively to Top Chef? Yes. But one of these shows is the gold standard, and the other is the upstart.
Next Iron Chef borrows the preliminary challenge/elimination round format from Top Chef but throws in a nifty wrinkle by having the chefs evaluate each other's dishes in the beginning challenge. There's no secret ballot, which strikes me as unfair - perhaps that's edited out to ramp up the drama.
In place of Padma as host, there's Alton Brown. I'd say that's a pretty solid tradeoff; Brown does a great job as host of Iron Chef America and his culinary credentials trump Ms. Lakshmi's. But he's behind a booth on Iron Chef America and Next Iron Chef forces him to intermingle. It's in this role that he struggles. Padma and Tom Colicchio have this act down pat, but Alton Brown tends to stand uncomfortably close to the contestants and interject awkward statements. With his pocket notebook in hand, he comes off sort of like an overbearing college professor.
Next Iron Chef also takes more of an educational stance. Its parent show has often focused on interesting tidbits about different foods and cooking techniques and the spinoff follows suit, including pop-up text balloons that explain the origins of certain dishes and describing culinary terms to the layperson. I wish Top Chef did this too; I only recently found out that creme fraiche was more akin to sour cream than fresh cream.
The challenges have been fairly vanilla so far, and so have the challengers. Just like in Top Chef Masters, these competitors are professionals in their field and pettiness is not encouraged. There is a vague attempt to make Nate Appleman a villain, but it's pretty weak.
Will I keep watching? Perhaps. Mad Men already occupies a piece of my Sunday nights so another show isn't going to hurt. But I could easily miss a few episodes and not lose any sleep.
As for early handicaps, I like Jehangir Mehta. But like in any reality cooking show, it's too early to tell.
Octoberfest But With Horror Movies Instead of Beer: week two
Zombieland: Shaun of the Dead's American cousin isn't as satirical or gory, but it's equally freewheeling and goofy. Due to the 2000's explosion of zombie films, there isn't much left to do with the genre, and Zombieland certainly treads on familiar ground both as a horror film and a buddy comedy. Even Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson are playing archetypes they're more than familiar with. Fortunately, they're really good at it. And although at first blush the film falls into all of the wish-fulfilment traps of recent post-apocalyptic zombie horror, that isn't quite the case. Whereas Shaun of the Dead posited that any slacker could rise against the undead hordes, Zombieland's protagonists are a neurotic loner, a slightly psychotic good ol' boy, and two con artists.
Drag Me To Hell: Sam Raimi cut his teeth on ultraviolent horror movies before moving on to direct the Spider-Man series. He allowed himself a brief indulgence during Spider-Man 2, but steered clear of the genre until this past summer. I haven't seen Raimi's Evil Dead films, but it's clear that he still has a flair for dark humor, paranormal intrigue, and gross-out scares (I can't credit him for Christopher Young's score, but it's also exceptional). If I had to make a list right now of the five best scenes involving bad things happening to a cat, Drag Me to Hell would have two spots. Too bad the ending is so telegraphed that the final 15 minutes are virtually suspense-free, thereby taking the punch out of the whole movie.
Drag Me To Hell: Sam Raimi cut his teeth on ultraviolent horror movies before moving on to direct the Spider-Man series. He allowed himself a brief indulgence during Spider-Man 2, but steered clear of the genre until this past summer. I haven't seen Raimi's Evil Dead films, but it's clear that he still has a flair for dark humor, paranormal intrigue, and gross-out scares (I can't credit him for Christopher Young's score, but it's also exceptional). If I had to make a list right now of the five best scenes involving bad things happening to a cat, Drag Me to Hell would have two spots. Too bad the ending is so telegraphed that the final 15 minutes are virtually suspense-free, thereby taking the punch out of the whole movie.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 10/14
Laurine, Robin, and Ash in the bottom three and Ash gets eliminated? Yawn.
On the whole, I've preferred this batch of cheftestants to last season's group of cheftestants. Unfortunately, like I've said before, it's clear who is going home and who is making the final four. Nobody is going to make a Carla-esque run at the prize this year. Of the four chefs selected as favorites in the Elimination Challenge, three were the same. And that group of four, of course, was the Brothers Voltaggio, Kevin, and Jennifer. The bottom three were the three weakest.
Not much else to say about this episode other than the fact that Toby needs to tuck his goddamn shirt in.
Power rankings!
1. Kevin
2. Bryan
3. Jennifer
4. Michael
5. Mike
6. Eli
7. Laurine
8. Robin
The rankings could stay exactly the same for the rest of the season, if not for next week's episode: Restaurant Wars. Good chefs always lose Restaurant Wars (Radhika, Dale, Tre) and I have a premonition that Jennifer or one of the Brothers V will get the boot.
Between Kevin this season and Richard in the fourth season, it seems that the nicest chefs come from Atlanta. Damn straight.
On the whole, I've preferred this batch of cheftestants to last season's group of cheftestants. Unfortunately, like I've said before, it's clear who is going home and who is making the final four. Nobody is going to make a Carla-esque run at the prize this year. Of the four chefs selected as favorites in the Elimination Challenge, three were the same. And that group of four, of course, was the Brothers Voltaggio, Kevin, and Jennifer. The bottom three were the three weakest.
Not much else to say about this episode other than the fact that Toby needs to tuck his goddamn shirt in.
Power rankings!
1. Kevin
2. Bryan
3. Jennifer
4. Michael
5. Mike
6. Eli
7. Laurine
8. Robin
The rankings could stay exactly the same for the rest of the season, if not for next week's episode: Restaurant Wars. Good chefs always lose Restaurant Wars (Radhika, Dale, Tre) and I have a premonition that Jennifer or one of the Brothers V will get the boot.
Between Kevin this season and Richard in the fourth season, it seems that the nicest chefs come from Atlanta. Damn straight.
Preview Reviews
New Moon: I'm predisposed not to like the Twilight series, but even bearing that in mind, this movie looks dumbtacular. Seriously, I'm supposed to believe that a brooding pale guy and his spineless dolt of a girlfriend have taken America's hearts by storm? My God, Bella Swan makes the archetypal submissive Disney Princess look like Ellen Ripley. Kristen Stewart, you deserve better than this.
The Expendables: A disappointing trailer for what will certainly be the manliest movie ever made. It's oddly lifeless, despite wall-to-wall violence and testosterone. That's not going to keep me from seeing it, though.
Transylmania: Now here's how to do a stupid movie trailer right. This film is guaranteed to be the lowest common denominator of humor but I can't get the preview out of my mind. I swear, the script must've been written in the early 80's and was intended to be produced by the people behind Porky's II or Hot Dog: The Movie.
The Expendables: A disappointing trailer for what will certainly be the manliest movie ever made. It's oddly lifeless, despite wall-to-wall violence and testosterone. That's not going to keep me from seeing it, though.
Transylmania: Now here's how to do a stupid movie trailer right. This film is guaranteed to be the lowest common denominator of humor but I can't get the preview out of my mind. I swear, the script must've been written in the early 80's and was intended to be produced by the people behind Porky's II or Hot Dog: The Movie.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Octoberfest But With Horror Movies Instead of Beer: week one
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus: Not really a horror film, but you could lump it into the genre as a creature feature. I wish they'd made this movie in the 50's or 60's, because then there'd be some crappy octopus and shark puppets fighting each other in a pond and it would look hilarious. Instead, the filmmakers apparently blew the (scant) budget on crappy CGI, so all the fight scenes are dark and muddled and look recycled. The best parts, sadly, are in the now-classic trailer.
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari: Like most really old movies, this 1920 B&W classic is more of an interesting curio than it is a gripping suspense film. The crazy sets are fun to look at, but could be equally appreciated by browsing through some stills. The ending is the only part that holds up.
Phantasm: Low-budget horror movies from the 70's were great at creating atmospheres of dread; Phantasm is no exception. There isn't much gore, and not many kills either, but the film's mood keeps it afloat. The script could've used some work - secondary characters appear and disappear, and the twist ending is unnecessary - but does a good job of making the audience wonder what sort of crazy crap is going to happen next.
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari: Like most really old movies, this 1920 B&W classic is more of an interesting curio than it is a gripping suspense film. The crazy sets are fun to look at, but could be equally appreciated by browsing through some stills. The ending is the only part that holds up.
Phantasm: Low-budget horror movies from the 70's were great at creating atmospheres of dread; Phantasm is no exception. There isn't much gore, and not many kills either, but the film's mood keeps it afloat. The script could've used some work - secondary characters appear and disappear, and the twist ending is unnecessary - but does a good job of making the audience wonder what sort of crazy crap is going to happen next.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 10/7
Poor Ashley. Just when she starts to hit her stride, a bum dish sends her packing. She was never finalist material, but she wasn't the clear loser amongst the bottom chefs either.
I'm not sure what to think about Ash. As the judges pointed out, he seemed too eager to accept a fate as an also-ran. On the other hand, he was working with Michael, Michael is a better chef than Ash, and Ash knows it. He won't go much further if he keeps on thinking of himself as the #2 guy (not that he'll go much further anyway) but I can certainly understand his view.
Eli's kind of a dick, isn't he? Sure, Mike's a douche, but Eli is slowly turning into a real asshole. Going meta and thinking about this from purely a narrative standpoint, I'd guess that Mike will be eliminated soon and Eli will take his place as the show's villain. Again, purely from a narrative standpoint.
Power rankings!
1. Kevin
2. Jennifer
3. Bryan
4. Michael
5. Mike
6. Laurine
7. Eli
8. Robin
9. Ash
It's nearly impossible to rank the bottom four. Neither have been truly dreadful lately but neither have cooked anything to redeem themselves either. The top four remain as steady as ever, and Mike is Mike.
I'm not sure what to think about Ash. As the judges pointed out, he seemed too eager to accept a fate as an also-ran. On the other hand, he was working with Michael, Michael is a better chef than Ash, and Ash knows it. He won't go much further if he keeps on thinking of himself as the #2 guy (not that he'll go much further anyway) but I can certainly understand his view.
Eli's kind of a dick, isn't he? Sure, Mike's a douche, but Eli is slowly turning into a real asshole. Going meta and thinking about this from purely a narrative standpoint, I'd guess that Mike will be eliminated soon and Eli will take his place as the show's villain. Again, purely from a narrative standpoint.
Power rankings!
1. Kevin
2. Jennifer
3. Bryan
4. Michael
5. Mike
6. Laurine
7. Eli
8. Robin
9. Ash
It's nearly impossible to rank the bottom four. Neither have been truly dreadful lately but neither have cooked anything to redeem themselves either. The top four remain as steady as ever, and Mike is Mike.
The case against: Glee
Glee made a flashy entrance when its first episode premiered after the season finale of American Idol earlier this year. It promptly vanished until the start of the 2009 TV season proper, allowing the buzz to build for months. Ratings have been so good that it's been picked up for a full season.
There's a lot to like about Glee. The cast is talented, the dialogue occasionally zings in a 30 Rock-esque fashion, and there's nothing else like it on television. It's also heavily problematic, which keeps it from being something I want to watch regularly.
- There's too much going on: Here's a shortlist of what happened during the episode "Preggers." Kurt made the football team as a kicker and came out to his father. Sue continued her mission to break up Glee Club by getting Sandy to re-join the faculty. Rachel, feeling under-appreciated, left Glee Club in order to be a part of Sandy's cabaret. And - deep breath - Finn found out that his girlfriend was pregnant but even though he thinks he's the father it's actually his best friend Puck, which gives Will's wife a chance to come up with a baby because she's lied to him about being pregnant. Phew. At least it's told in a compact time frame; the episode prior to it seemingly took place over an entire month.
- The characters are problematic: I get extremely nit-picky when it comes to characters staying consistent with who they are. For instance, Will and Sandy are fairly chummy in "Acafellas" but one episode later Sandy hates Will with a passion. Granted, their allegiance as part of the Acafellas was one of convenience and not mutual respect, but in "Preggers" Sandy hates Glee Club with the passion of Sue Sylvester, who'd sooner kill herself than team up with Will for anything. Also, while "ugly" high schoolers have been portrayed by attractive actors and actresses for ages, the show still stretches the limits of plausibility by having Rachel moping about being unloved and invisible. Sure, she's a bit of a bitch, but she's also stunningly attractive. It's like when Taylor Swift paints herself as a nobody in "You Belong to Me." I'm not buying it for a second.
- The musical numbers are overproduced: I've never seen a real show choir before, but my God, I can't handle any of the performances in Glee. I did chorus and musical theater in high school. I have Broadway soundtracks on my iPod. I'm one of the few people who don't mind college a capella groups. This sort of thing should be right down my alley. But it doesn't help when all the songs come with unnecessary backing vocals and instrumental accompaniments. Matthew Morrison and Lea Michele were on Broadway. They don't need help from the production booth to sound good. And Jesus, the Acafellas didn't even sing a capella! I can understand why the musical numbers are largely contemporary pop songs - I doubt audiences want to hear "The Lord Bless You and Keep You." But it's possible to do a capella songs, or choral work with limited post-production, and have it be catchy. It worked for Billy Joel. It was a viral hit for Straight No Chaser. And even traditional choirs can make pop music work.
- The show can't commit to what it wants to be: I feel that Glee would work better as a half-hour comedy in the vein of The Office, but that's not my major quibble. Glee could successfully be an hour-long dramedy if it chose to either be an all-out musical or keep the musical numbers in the real world. Instead, Glee is all over the place. Rachel and Mercedes sing in fantasy sequences, but the football team's "Single Ladies" dance happens during an actual football game. I'm all for willing suspension of disbelief, but the team's dance is the sort of stunt that would at the very least result in a delay of game penalty. Establish that the show follows the rules of a musical, and I don't think about that. But the show's first three episodes occur in a reality-based setting. You can't change the rules like that and expect the audience to play along. Perhaps the creators remembered how Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin were colossal failures and decided not to go balls-out. It's a bad call.
There's a lot to like about Glee. The cast is talented, the dialogue occasionally zings in a 30 Rock-esque fashion, and there's nothing else like it on television. It's also heavily problematic, which keeps it from being something I want to watch regularly.
- There's too much going on: Here's a shortlist of what happened during the episode "Preggers." Kurt made the football team as a kicker and came out to his father. Sue continued her mission to break up Glee Club by getting Sandy to re-join the faculty. Rachel, feeling under-appreciated, left Glee Club in order to be a part of Sandy's cabaret. And - deep breath - Finn found out that his girlfriend was pregnant but even though he thinks he's the father it's actually his best friend Puck, which gives Will's wife a chance to come up with a baby because she's lied to him about being pregnant. Phew. At least it's told in a compact time frame; the episode prior to it seemingly took place over an entire month.
- The characters are problematic: I get extremely nit-picky when it comes to characters staying consistent with who they are. For instance, Will and Sandy are fairly chummy in "Acafellas" but one episode later Sandy hates Will with a passion. Granted, their allegiance as part of the Acafellas was one of convenience and not mutual respect, but in "Preggers" Sandy hates Glee Club with the passion of Sue Sylvester, who'd sooner kill herself than team up with Will for anything. Also, while "ugly" high schoolers have been portrayed by attractive actors and actresses for ages, the show still stretches the limits of plausibility by having Rachel moping about being unloved and invisible. Sure, she's a bit of a bitch, but she's also stunningly attractive. It's like when Taylor Swift paints herself as a nobody in "You Belong to Me." I'm not buying it for a second.
- The musical numbers are overproduced: I've never seen a real show choir before, but my God, I can't handle any of the performances in Glee. I did chorus and musical theater in high school. I have Broadway soundtracks on my iPod. I'm one of the few people who don't mind college a capella groups. This sort of thing should be right down my alley. But it doesn't help when all the songs come with unnecessary backing vocals and instrumental accompaniments. Matthew Morrison and Lea Michele were on Broadway. They don't need help from the production booth to sound good. And Jesus, the Acafellas didn't even sing a capella! I can understand why the musical numbers are largely contemporary pop songs - I doubt audiences want to hear "The Lord Bless You and Keep You." But it's possible to do a capella songs, or choral work with limited post-production, and have it be catchy. It worked for Billy Joel. It was a viral hit for Straight No Chaser. And even traditional choirs can make pop music work.
- The show can't commit to what it wants to be: I feel that Glee would work better as a half-hour comedy in the vein of The Office, but that's not my major quibble. Glee could successfully be an hour-long dramedy if it chose to either be an all-out musical or keep the musical numbers in the real world. Instead, Glee is all over the place. Rachel and Mercedes sing in fantasy sequences, but the football team's "Single Ladies" dance happens during an actual football game. I'm all for willing suspension of disbelief, but the team's dance is the sort of stunt that would at the very least result in a delay of game penalty. Establish that the show follows the rules of a musical, and I don't think about that. But the show's first three episodes occur in a reality-based setting. You can't change the rules like that and expect the audience to play along. Perhaps the creators remembered how Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin were colossal failures and decided not to go balls-out. It's a bad call.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A Man for New Seasons: The Office and Weekend Update Thursday
The Office is getting off to a good start. Michael is more petty and less sympathetic than usual, which I don't mind, since the show got very soft on him last season. Andy continues to be the best Sixth Man, so to speak. And I like how the writers are keeping Jim's flaws consistent. Michael flaunting Toby's report in order to keep Jim from getting a promotion was a dick move, but Toby's report is spot-on. And tonight's episode is yet another example of Jim wilting when given a position of authority. The PB&J relationship gets cloyingly cute at times, but it's flaws like these that keep the characters from being unbearable. Speaking of which, it seems a little odd that Jim and Pam's big wedding is the 4th episode of the season. Saving the baby's birth for the finale, I suppose.
SNL Weekend Update Thursday, on the other hand, has sputtered out the gate. Fortunately it's just a placeholder until 30 Rock returns. Without a presidential election to give it a raison d'etre, there's a dearth of material for the show (and for SNL proper, too). I fully welcome its pre-planned demise, and I'm sure Lorne Michaels and company welcome it too.
SNL Weekend Update Thursday, on the other hand, has sputtered out the gate. Fortunately it's just a placeholder until 30 Rock returns. Without a presidential election to give it a raison d'etre, there's a dearth of material for the show (and for SNL proper, too). I fully welcome its pre-planned demise, and I'm sure Lorne Michaels and company welcome it too.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sesame Street's Mad Men parody
Sesame Street using the word "sycophants" makes my freaking day.
Also, there really isn't much of a difference between Pete Campbell and one of those squealing Muppets.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Let's talk about how disheartening Pray for Death is.
After my last debacle trying to enjoy a ninja movie, I was determined not to make the same mistake twice. I was going to go with Mr 80's Ninja himself, Sho Kosugi. I was going to go with Pray for Death.
Sadly, these are the times that try men's souls, so long as those men are ones who like watching ninja movies.
My new rule is to only watch ninja movies made by Cannon Films, with very few exceptions. Kosugi's films with Cannon were a master class in ridiculousness - see here for proof. Pray for Death, however, comes from Trans World Entertainment, and I'm afraid they don't have Cannon's high standards.
The plot is fairly standard ninja stuff. Kosugi moves his family to America to start a restaurant, gets involved with a crime boss who targets his family, and proceeds to kick ass.
To be fair, Pray for Death does contain snippets of awesomeness, like a climactic chainsaw fight, but these are backloaded onto the second half of the film. The first half is mainly useless exposition, and I don't just mean that in the sense of that it takes up time setting up character development when all we really want to see is Kosugi slashing guys with a sword. I mean that, for example, there's a flashback at the beginning where Kosugi kills a ninja who tried to steal gold from his temple, but the ninja turns out to be his brother... and it's NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN.
Pray for Death is on Hulu. If you have some time to kill and want to bask in 80's ninja cheese, skip to the halfway point and start from there. Otherwise, I'd advise working your way alphabetically through the Cannon ninja filmography.
Sadly, these are the times that try men's souls, so long as those men are ones who like watching ninja movies.
My new rule is to only watch ninja movies made by Cannon Films, with very few exceptions. Kosugi's films with Cannon were a master class in ridiculousness - see here for proof. Pray for Death, however, comes from Trans World Entertainment, and I'm afraid they don't have Cannon's high standards.
The plot is fairly standard ninja stuff. Kosugi moves his family to America to start a restaurant, gets involved with a crime boss who targets his family, and proceeds to kick ass.
To be fair, Pray for Death does contain snippets of awesomeness, like a climactic chainsaw fight, but these are backloaded onto the second half of the film. The first half is mainly useless exposition, and I don't just mean that in the sense of that it takes up time setting up character development when all we really want to see is Kosugi slashing guys with a sword. I mean that, for example, there's a flashback at the beginning where Kosugi kills a ninja who tried to steal gold from his temple, but the ninja turns out to be his brother... and it's NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN.
Pray for Death is on Hulu. If you have some time to kill and want to bask in 80's ninja cheese, skip to the halfway point and start from there. Otherwise, I'd advise working your way alphabetically through the Cannon ninja filmography.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 9/23
What a toss-up of an elimination. I was leaning towards Ash, to be perfectly honest.
Power rankings:
1. Michael
2. Bryan
3. Kevin
4. Jennifer
5. Eli
6. Ashley
7. Mike
8. Robin
9. Laurine
10. Ash
The top four are once again fairly interchangeable. Michael has only one Elimination Challenge win to Kevin's three (three!) and Bryan's two, but he's placed as a judge's favorite in every episode except the first. The concentration of power is a first for Top Chef; only those three chefs have won Elimination Challenges at the six-episode mark. Ashley has had some surprisingly strong episodes lately, but I don't see her becoming a dark horse a la Lisa or Carla.
Power rankings:
1. Michael
2. Bryan
3. Kevin
4. Jennifer
5. Eli
6. Ashley
7. Mike
8. Robin
9. Laurine
10. Ash
The top four are once again fairly interchangeable. Michael has only one Elimination Challenge win to Kevin's three (three!) and Bryan's two, but he's placed as a judge's favorite in every episode except the first. The concentration of power is a first for Top Chef; only those three chefs have won Elimination Challenges at the six-episode mark. Ashley has had some surprisingly strong episodes lately, but I don't see her becoming a dark horse a la Lisa or Carla.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"Please welcome to the show DON DRAAAAAPERRRRR!"
Tomorrow, Oprah devotes an entire show to the 1960's, a la Mad Men. Jon Hamm and January Jones will be guests, as will the cast of Jersey Boys, everyone will be dressed in the fashions of the decade, and she'll even have a list of 60's Favorite Things.
Am I the only one who thinks this is stupendously ill-conceived?
Yes, Mad Men is a very style-conscious show; that's part of its appeal. Its main character is also an unhappy, adulterous identity thief. And did she not realize that in this season alone, Mad Men has had one character perform in blackface and two others refuse to run an integrated ad campaign?
It gets worse when you move outside the fictional confines of the show. Oprah would have loved Chicago in the 1960's. Martin Luther King, Jr moved to Chicago in 1966 to help put an end to the slums but Mayor Daley himself used the city's political machine to impede his progress and the city's whites weren't exactly welcoming either. According to Wikipedia, he "received a worse reception than [he] had in the South." Ouch. And you're damn right there were riots in city after his assassination, which thanks to the 1968 Democratic National Convention, were only the SECOND worst thing to happen in the city that year.
But hey, they dressed snappier back then.
Am I the only one who thinks this is stupendously ill-conceived?
Yes, Mad Men is a very style-conscious show; that's part of its appeal. Its main character is also an unhappy, adulterous identity thief. And did she not realize that in this season alone, Mad Men has had one character perform in blackface and two others refuse to run an integrated ad campaign?
It gets worse when you move outside the fictional confines of the show. Oprah would have loved Chicago in the 1960's. Martin Luther King, Jr moved to Chicago in 1966 to help put an end to the slums but Mayor Daley himself used the city's political machine to impede his progress and the city's whites weren't exactly welcoming either. According to Wikipedia, he "received a worse reception than [he] had in the South." Ouch. And you're damn right there were riots in city after his assassination, which thanks to the 1968 Democratic National Convention, were only the SECOND worst thing to happen in the city that year.
But hey, they dressed snappier back then.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 9/16
Not a lot to say about this one, since it was pretty straightforward: the good chefs did well, the bad ones did poorly, and the right cheftestant got the boot. The odd cooking conditions did level the playing field a bit, though: who thought we'd see Ashley or Laurine get chosen as favorites?
What was up with Tim Love's shirt? And speaking of apparel: Gail, it's the desert, let the twins breathe a little!
Ron sucks but I'll miss him when he's kicked off in the next week or two.
I guess "ceviche" is the new "dessert."
And look out folks. Next week, Toby's back.
Power Rankings!
1. Bryan
2. Jennifer
3. Michael
4. Kevin
5. Mike
6. Eli
7. Ash
8. Laurine
9. Ashley
10. Robin
11. Ron
What was up with Tim Love's shirt? And speaking of apparel: Gail, it's the desert, let the twins breathe a little!
Ron sucks but I'll miss him when he's kicked off in the next week or two.
I guess "ceviche" is the new "dessert."
And look out folks. Next week, Toby's back.
Power Rankings!
1. Bryan
2. Jennifer
3. Michael
4. Kevin
5. Mike
6. Eli
7. Ash
8. Laurine
9. Ashley
10. Robin
11. Ron
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Let's Talk About How Misleading Ninja Vengeance Is
Ninja Vengeance.
"Ninja." "Vengeance." If God wanted a more awesome combination of words, He would've invented it.
And yet, Ninja Vengeance is unable to live up to its title.
The problem isn't the vengeance. There's plenty of it. No, my fault lies with the ninja. At first glance, he's just a normal white guy on a motorcycle, traveling from Wyoming to attend a conference in Houston. (The film does not say whether he's going to a ninja conference. "Texas Ninjas" could be the best b-movie never made.) But his bike breaks down in rural west Texas and he's forced to stay the night. And as he unloads all of his ninja gear onto his hotel bed for no reason but to explain to the audience that he is in fact a ninja, we see that he's not so normal after all. Flashbacks to his ninja training on a beach confirm this. The beaches of Wyoming? It's never explained.
Not once does our great white hope use throwing stars and nunchucks. Never does he dress in ninja garb. He's merely average at being stealthy, and he's not particularly bright either: after finding out that the town's corrupt cops double as its KKK branch and have just murdered a young black man, he calls... the police.
He's also really whiny. And despite being out for vengeance, as per the movie's title, he continuously affirms his desire not to hurt anyone.
I should've watched a Sho Kusugi movie instead. It's that depressing.
It's still available for viewing on Impact on Demand, if you're that desperate to experience it for yourself. It's fairly amusing as a bad movie, but disgraceful as a ninja film. Otherwise, there are some clips here.
"Ninja." "Vengeance." If God wanted a more awesome combination of words, He would've invented it.
And yet, Ninja Vengeance is unable to live up to its title.
The problem isn't the vengeance. There's plenty of it. No, my fault lies with the ninja. At first glance, he's just a normal white guy on a motorcycle, traveling from Wyoming to attend a conference in Houston. (The film does not say whether he's going to a ninja conference. "Texas Ninjas" could be the best b-movie never made.) But his bike breaks down in rural west Texas and he's forced to stay the night. And as he unloads all of his ninja gear onto his hotel bed for no reason but to explain to the audience that he is in fact a ninja, we see that he's not so normal after all. Flashbacks to his ninja training on a beach confirm this. The beaches of Wyoming? It's never explained.
Not once does our great white hope use throwing stars and nunchucks. Never does he dress in ninja garb. He's merely average at being stealthy, and he's not particularly bright either: after finding out that the town's corrupt cops double as its KKK branch and have just murdered a young black man, he calls... the police.
He's also really whiny. And despite being out for vengeance, as per the movie's title, he continuously affirms his desire not to hurt anyone.
I should've watched a Sho Kusugi movie instead. It's that depressing.
It's still available for viewing on Impact on Demand, if you're that desperate to experience it for yourself. It's fairly amusing as a bad movie, but disgraceful as a ninja film. Otherwise, there are some clips here.
Datarock at the Double Door, 9/11
I don't go to a lot of shows, but I still know that they aren't for obsessively punctual people. That being said, doors for the show were 9pm but didn't open until 9:30. One opening act later and Datarock didn't go on until 11:30. I realize that concerts require a bit of patience but it still pisses me off.
Fortunately, all was mostly forgiven since Datarock kicks ass live. Their show was the most fun I've had in weeks - and I didn't even know they were going to be in town until the night before. By the end of the night, every member of the band was shirtless and had been into the audience at least once. They're a European band so I don't know how much touring they do in America (right now they're promoting their new album) but I hope they come back to Chicago sometime soon.
Fortunately, all was mostly forgiven since Datarock kicks ass live. Their show was the most fun I've had in weeks - and I didn't even know they were going to be in town until the night before. By the end of the night, every member of the band was shirtless and had been into the audience at least once. They're a European band so I don't know how much touring they do in America (right now they're promoting their new album) but I hope they come back to Chicago sometime soon.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 9/9
The problem with French cooking is that - pun sadly inevitable - it's completely foreign to me. Don't know the sauces, don't know the languages, don't eat frog legs or escargot (speaking of which, there seems to be no way to present escargot attractively on a plate). Thus, it's hard to get a feel for an episode like this. And besides, everyone was so nervous about cooking for Joel Robuchon that there was absolutely zero levity. Mike had a few good douchey comments, but besides that the proceedings were completely soulless.
Power rankings!
1. Jennifer
2. Bryan
3. Kevin
4. Michael
5. Eli
6. Mike
7. Robin
8. Ash
9. Mattin
10. Laurine
11. Ron
12. Ashley
Now we know who's the wheat, and who's the chaff. The top four, in whatever order, are unquestionable. Jesus, Jennifer and Bryan hardly need to talk to each other, they're that good. Mike veers wildly between impressive and unimpressive. Laurine and Robin benefit simply by not screwing up. While other cheftestants have had worse episodes this season than Ron, the guy is just a blank slate. He showed no spine working with Robin and hasn't done anything worth noting since the first episode. I guess Ashley just wants me to hate her. First she wears chunky hipster glasses, then she wears a tuxedo t-shirt. Oh, and she's a crappy chef and wilts when Tom and company grill her.
Good riddance to Jesse; the special Quickfire elimination seemed custom made for her so that the master chefs in the Elimination Challenge didn't have to suffer her food. Hector screwed up for sure, but you could've make a really good case for Ashley being PYKAG'd.
Power rankings!
1. Jennifer
2. Bryan
3. Kevin
4. Michael
5. Eli
6. Mike
7. Robin
8. Ash
9. Mattin
10. Laurine
11. Ron
12. Ashley
Now we know who's the wheat, and who's the chaff. The top four, in whatever order, are unquestionable. Jesus, Jennifer and Bryan hardly need to talk to each other, they're that good. Mike veers wildly between impressive and unimpressive. Laurine and Robin benefit simply by not screwing up. While other cheftestants have had worse episodes this season than Ron, the guy is just a blank slate. He showed no spine working with Robin and hasn't done anything worth noting since the first episode. I guess Ashley just wants me to hate her. First she wears chunky hipster glasses, then she wears a tuxedo t-shirt. Oh, and she's a crappy chef and wilts when Tom and company grill her.
Good riddance to Jesse; the special Quickfire elimination seemed custom made for her so that the master chefs in the Elimination Challenge didn't have to suffer her food. Hector screwed up for sure, but you could've make a really good case for Ashley being PYKAG'd.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
And I Can't Get It Out of My Head
Jason DeRulo - "Watcha Say"
Best. Hook. Ever.
Owl City - "Fireflies"
Poor Adam Young is going to be known for the next few months as "that guy who sounds like the guy from Death Cab for Cutie".
Lemon Jelly - "The Staunton Lick"
As seen in the finale of Spaced, which you should watch. Yes, you.
Best. Hook. Ever.
Owl City - "Fireflies"
Poor Adam Young is going to be known for the next few months as "that guy who sounds like the guy from Death Cab for Cutie".
Lemon Jelly - "The Staunton Lick"
As seen in the finale of Spaced, which you should watch. Yes, you.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Land of Linkin': Mad Men Edition
First, the gold standards:
- The AV Club
- Alan Sepinwall
- The House Next Door
I can't speak for the quality of the new blogger at The House Next Door because I haven't read him yet. The blogger for the first season and part of the second was amazing, but he lost a battle with cancer last year. It's a little odd to see someone else take up his work, hence my hesitation to read it.
Perfectly cromulent discussions:
- Slate
Light on discussion but indispensable for background:
- Mad Men Footnotes
And finally, as a bit of a guilty pleasure:
- Movieline's Mark Lisanti
The power rankings of the characters are reasonably entertaining, but this guy goes a step further and brings us the Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level, thereby making his posts required reading for every man, woman, and child in America.
- The AV Club
- Alan Sepinwall
- The House Next Door
I can't speak for the quality of the new blogger at The House Next Door because I haven't read him yet. The blogger for the first season and part of the second was amazing, but he lost a battle with cancer last year. It's a little odd to see someone else take up his work, hence my hesitation to read it.
Perfectly cromulent discussions:
- Slate
Light on discussion but indispensable for background:
- Mad Men Footnotes
And finally, as a bit of a guilty pleasure:
- Movieline's Mark Lisanti
The power rankings of the characters are reasonably entertaining, but this guy goes a step further and brings us the Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level, thereby making his posts required reading for every man, woman, and child in America.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The Mad Men Marriage Misery Matrix (9/6)
1. Sal and Kitty
How heartbreaking was it to see Kitty watch Sal recreate Ann-Margaret's dance?
2. Joan and Dr. Douchebag
There's a case to be made for this permanently being #1, but right now the good doctor is merely being a jerk instead of a raping jerk.
3. Roger and Jane
Nosediving.
4. Don and Betty
Surprisingly stable, all things considered.
5. Pete and Trudy
See above. The Charleston = marriage saver!
6. Harry and Jennifer
Hardly worth mentioning, even.
How heartbreaking was it to see Kitty watch Sal recreate Ann-Margaret's dance?
2. Joan and Dr. Douchebag
There's a case to be made for this permanently being #1, but right now the good doctor is merely being a jerk instead of a raping jerk.
3. Roger and Jane
Nosediving.
4. Don and Betty
Surprisingly stable, all things considered.
5. Pete and Trudy
See above. The Charleston = marriage saver!
6. Harry and Jennifer
Hardly worth mentioning, even.
This Week in Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
http://www.theawl.com/2009/09/silvio-berlusconi-not-a-fan-of-silvio-berlusconi-documentary
The state-run news network in Italy bans the trailer for a film about the Italian PM's control of the media.
The state-run news network in Italy bans the trailer for a film about the Italian PM's control of the media.
Once Again, Tweenage Girls Ruin Everything.
HarperTeen, a division of HarperCollins, is putting out a new edition of Wuthering Heights and the cover makes me weep for humanity.
Will the Twi-hards be disappointed when they find out that Wuthering Heights is the extremely non-romantic story of a batshit insane guy who can't get over this one chick's death? Or has Stephanie Meyer covered that in the books already?
All I know is, I have an excuse to post this video:
(soul-crushing discovery of the book via Topless Robot)
Will the Twi-hards be disappointed when they find out that Wuthering Heights is the extremely non-romantic story of a batshit insane guy who can't get over this one chick's death? Or has Stephanie Meyer covered that in the books already?
All I know is, I have an excuse to post this video:
(soul-crushing discovery of the book via Topless Robot)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Top Chef Las Vegas 9/2
Is it just me or was Padme being a bit of a bitch at judge's table tonight? It doesn't matter - the Indian boy got kicked off and it's high time for some power rankings!
1. Jennifer
2. Kevin
3. Eli
4. Michael
5. Bryan
6. Ash
7. Robin
8. Hector
9. Mike
10. Mattin
11. Ashley
12. Ron
13. Laurine
14. Jesse
These feel a little cobbled together, but at least I have a good feel for the cheftestants now. Not enough to make totally informed decisions, but I'm not grasping at straws either. I don't know why I'm so high on Jennifer; her ranking at the top reflects her character more than it does her talent (though she's shown definite talent, of course). The bottom two aren't any surprise. The people in the middle are somewhat interchangeable - what has Mattin done to distinguish himself? Anything?
Bad showing by the ladies so far. They really need to step it up.
I must say that I'm pretty stoked that the Atlanta chefs are doing so well. I really want to try the winning dish. Mmmmmm...
1. Jennifer
2. Kevin
3. Eli
4. Michael
5. Bryan
6. Ash
7. Robin
8. Hector
9. Mike
10. Mattin
11. Ashley
12. Ron
13. Laurine
14. Jesse
These feel a little cobbled together, but at least I have a good feel for the cheftestants now. Not enough to make totally informed decisions, but I'm not grasping at straws either. I don't know why I'm so high on Jennifer; her ranking at the top reflects her character more than it does her talent (though she's shown definite talent, of course). The bottom two aren't any surprise. The people in the middle are somewhat interchangeable - what has Mattin done to distinguish himself? Anything?
Bad showing by the ladies so far. They really need to step it up.
I must say that I'm pretty stoked that the Atlanta chefs are doing so well. I really want to try the winning dish. Mmmmmm...
Sunday, August 30, 2009
That Darn Hitler
The vast majority of the Downfall subtitle videos are crap, but this one is pretty good. I'm not chomping at the bit to trash Avatar but I can't say I was especially impressed by the theatrical trailer. Then again, everyone expected Titanic to fail and look what happened.
I still think the gold standard of the Hitler videos is this one, though:
Saturday, August 29, 2009
RIP Reading Rainbow
Reading Rainbow aired its final episode yesterday.
On one hand I'm crushed; on the other hand, I had no idea the show was still going on. Were they just re-airing old episodes? Producing new episodes?
If you're looking for a scapegoat, you can turn to everyone's favorite contemporary villain: George W. Bush. According to NPR, the Department of Education decided that the show wasn't focusing enough on the nuts and bolts of how to read and instead focused too much on all the cool things books had to offer. According to another NPR article, "Of the nearly 8 million children entering kindergarten and first grade this school year, up to one-third will arrive with little or no familiarity with the written word." It's increasingly up to PBS to teach kids how to read.
But that's another story, one for a pissed off sociologist. The show spanned 26 years and 155 episodes and will soon be gone without a trace. The show's website claims that 153 of those episodes are on DVD, but I have no idea how commercially available they are. The sets listed on Amazon seem to be out of print, so I guess a re-release would be doubtful.
It's been over 15 years since I've watched the show but I can still remember some of the episodes, although my memory is a tad foggy. There was one about science fiction that I really liked (naturally, it went into LeVar Burton's stint on Star Trek: The Next Generation) and another about pottery made from volcanic soil. One about mummies freaked me out because it described the embalming process and how all the organs got put in jars.
And even though I wouldn't have needed YouTube to refresh my memory, I really loved this musical number (now that I'm older, the first thing I notice is how LeVar Burton gets the easiest dance moves):
On one hand I'm crushed; on the other hand, I had no idea the show was still going on. Were they just re-airing old episodes? Producing new episodes?
If you're looking for a scapegoat, you can turn to everyone's favorite contemporary villain: George W. Bush. According to NPR, the Department of Education decided that the show wasn't focusing enough on the nuts and bolts of how to read and instead focused too much on all the cool things books had to offer. According to another NPR article, "Of the nearly 8 million children entering kindergarten and first grade this school year, up to one-third will arrive with little or no familiarity with the written word." It's increasingly up to PBS to teach kids how to read.
But that's another story, one for a pissed off sociologist. The show spanned 26 years and 155 episodes and will soon be gone without a trace. The show's website claims that 153 of those episodes are on DVD, but I have no idea how commercially available they are. The sets listed on Amazon seem to be out of print, so I guess a re-release would be doubtful.
It's been over 15 years since I've watched the show but I can still remember some of the episodes, although my memory is a tad foggy. There was one about science fiction that I really liked (naturally, it went into LeVar Burton's stint on Star Trek: The Next Generation) and another about pottery made from volcanic soil. One about mummies freaked me out because it described the embalming process and how all the organs got put in jars.
And even though I wouldn't have needed YouTube to refresh my memory, I really loved this musical number (now that I'm older, the first thing I notice is how LeVar Burton gets the easiest dance moves):
Let's Talk About Posters
I've never counted the exact number but I get something like 100 cable channels, most of which I never watch. For reasons that escape me, I don't get SyFy or TCM. Not a huge tragedy, but it's still kind of annoying. So when TCM does something brilliant like this, I get a tad bit jealous. I don't know who did these, but they're Criterion Collection-worthy.
Meanwhile, the Lost brain trust has created a series of limited edition posters to commemorate the final season. They're way out of my price range - seriously, 50 bucks? - but so far they're pretty awesome and the one for Locke is the balls.
Meanwhile, the Lost brain trust has created a series of limited edition posters to commemorate the final season. They're way out of my price range - seriously, 50 bucks? - but so far they're pretty awesome and the one for Locke is the balls.
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