Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 8

After the previous chapter's plotless crapfest, it's only fair that we get a lot of activity in chapter 8. Bella and her loser "friends" go dress shopping for the Sadie Hawkins dance - Bella still intends on skipping, but somebody has to squeal about how cute one dress is and how another is so totally wrong, etc. They split up before dinner so Bella can check out a bookstore but of course she gets her dumb ass lost, and very nearly mugged/raped/murdered by some street toughs. Good thing Edward is there to save the day.

Yes, he's Bella's knight in sparkly armor, but right now he's too busy trying to keep from devouring her would-be attackers to be a proper Prince Charming. Fortunately he's got just what he needs to take his mind off of his bloodlust. "Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he tells Bella, perhaps with more insight than Meyer had in mind.

Edward can't keep up such suspicious behavior without an explanation, so he takes her to dinner. The waitress treats him like she needs a change of panties, and all of a sudden it hits me: Edward is Jon Hamm. For those of you who watched 30 Rock last year, Edward is the equivalent of the doctor who coasts through life by virtue of his staggering good looks. For those of you who don't watch 30 Rock, take a gander at this magnificent hunk of beefcake:



Fred Phelps would go gay for this man.

This, meanwhile, is what Edward looks like in the Twilight movies:



Robert Pattinson looks like he does more cocaine than Kristen Stewart.

I suppose when it comes to the ideal man, tweenage girls and I don't see eye to eye. I think I should be pleased.

Before I delve into our future soul mates' conversation, I should note the following sentence: "Edward was shrugging out of his jacket." It's one of those syntactical choices that cause mental red flags to pop up everywhere, and it's not the only time Meyer uses this expression, either.

Edward gets down to brass tacks: he can read everyone's mind, but for some reason he can't read Bella's. He admits to stalking her but it's for her own good: "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes." And he confesses that it was all he could do to keep from murdering the thugs she ran into. Not only does Bella take all of this information completely in stride, but she's more fascinated by him than ever before. The things you can get away with when (depending on what people find attractive) you have a jaw that's composed entirely of square angles or look like you haven't brushed your hair since the Clinton administration.