Binge Thinking: 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Reasons why The Rocketeer, despite its faults, is still awesome.

- evil Timothy Dalton (see also: Hot Fuzz)
- Terry O'Quinn as Howard Hughes
- an animated Nazi propaganda film
- general Art Deco-ness
- Tiny Ron Taylor as a "heavy"
- a zeppelin
- mobsters and G-Men teaming up to fight Nazis

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Brief thoughts on The Secret in Their Eyes

I'll be concise and to the point: The Secret in Their Eyes is an Argentinean crime drama that won the 2010 Academy Award for Best Foreign Film. It's good. You should watch it.

But I do want to highlight some quotes from reviews of the film. Slate sums up the movie best by calling it "a really long, really awesome episode of Law & Order set in Buenos Aires," which is better praise than I could come up with. Roger Ebert describes Ricardo Darin's character as "one of those men on whom a beard seems inevitable." Once again, he's right on the money, and as a bearded man I appreciate his insight (although in this case, I hope I'm not quite like that character).

If I may be so humble as to add my own insights to the movie, it's real genius is that its three best scenes are not only back-to-back-to-back but that the first is brilliantly written, the second brilliantly staged, and the third brilliantly acted. The Secret in Their Eyes is a procedural at heart, and a melodramatic one at that, but it uses its few flourishes to better effect than any movie I've seen all year.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Walking Dead - "Guts"

It was only inevitable that there would be a drop-off in quality between the first episode of The Walking Dead and the second. Frank Darabont doesn't just direct his own script on a basic cable show every day. His presence aside, the pilot was a stripped-down, spartan, effective example of storytelling. Zombie hordes aside, Rick Grimes was the only character onscreen for roughly half of the episode, and he spent most of the other half with only two other characters (one of whom was played by Lennie James, and you can't go wrong with Lennie James). Grimes doesn't have the same magnetism that Tony Soprano or Don Draper did in their premieres, but he's a capable dramatic center, and two-or-three person scenes are generally strong ones.

"Guts" more or less doubles the number of Walking Dead characters, but to little effect. Plucky young Glenn is the only one who shows immediate potential; most of the others are still undeveloped, with two exceptions. There's some blonde woman I don't care much about, and then there's Merle Dixon. It's no stretch of the imagination that a survivor of a zombie apocalypse has lost his cool, but Merle is a raving lunatic in addition to being racist, sexist, and a generally terrible human being overall. It's not that I have a problem with the introduction of an instigator, since they're reliable and somewhat necessary archetypes for zombie movies. But Merle's clashes with T-Dog (himself an uninspiring character) are depressingly cliche. Black/white tensions have been a staple of zombie films since the first Living Dead film and they're becoming old hat. Why not have Merle hate Mexicans? Or have a gay character for him to play off of? I'm not asking the show to reinvent the wheel, just to take a familiar trope in a new direction.

Things improved once Rick and Glenn enacted their bonkers escape plan, which provided an exciting finish to the episode. The less said the better about Rick's wife and the rest of the crew at the Survivalist Trailer Park. That's partially my bias against Dr. Sara Tancredi but even then the scenes are just treading plot water for when the two bands of survivors reunite.

I still have high hopes for the show, of course, and most of these new characters will either be thoughtfully fleshed out or become zombie bait. But the mere presence of Merle is a very bad omen. That kind of shit wouldn't fly on Mad Men. This is AMC, I expect more.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: television edition

The Rocky Horror Glee Show: I watched the first few episodes of Glee last year and gave up on it; mentioning all of its faults would distract from the task at hand but its largest is that it's wildly inconsistent (for an extremely in-depth examination of the subject, see here). One of the show's strengths, however, is that it's able to do a lot of gimmick episodes that draw in viewers who otherwise wouldn't watch. I never saw the episode centered around Lady Gaga, although I was slightly intrigued by it, but a seasonally appropriate episode riffing on Rocky Horror seemed too good to pass up. Besides, all the kids these days like Glee, and I'm hip too, right?

However, the premise of the episode is shaky in and of itself, since there is no way that a high school, especially one in a small conservative town, would ever produce The Rocky Horror Show. The episode does address the controversy, but never in a satisfying way, because as usual Glee can't decide whether it's grounded in an actual high school or a musical fantasy land. The audience is supposed to accept that a school can put on an edited version of Rocky Horror, in approximately one week, and the boyfriend of a faculty member can get a part just because it's convenient. You can't do that and then have a serious subplot about male body image, which was shoved to the side and bungled anyway (earnestness is not the show's strong suit, so the upcoming "very special episode" about bullying will probably set the gay rights movement back a century). The show doesn't have the guts to explain why Rocky Horror pushes the envelope in the first place, merely relying on that phrase and thereby rendering it meaningless. Meanwhile, the protagonist (Mr. Schu) is a prick and the woman who is the show's trademark voice of insanity (Sue Sylvester), a characteristic reinforced at the beginning of the episode, is the voice of reason at its end.

As for the adaptation of Rocky Horror itself, the musical numbers are mostly passable, albeit a little overproduced sometimes (another Glee hallmark). Nothing stands out until John Stamos' surprisingly fun rendition of "Whatever Happened to Saturday Night?" I was distracted throughout Amber Riley's "Sweet Transvestite;" it's a potentially interesting take on the show to have Frank N. Furter played by a woman, but in that case, shouldn't she be a drag king? I liked Jayma Mays' version of "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me" although I may be a bit biased because she's my second-favorite redhead on televison (#1 is Christina Hendricks, obvs). The climactic rendition of "Time Warp," sadly, was merely okay. I will say that Chris Colfer makes for an excellent Riff Raff, and Heather Morris' Columbia makes me think "how *you* doin'?"

The Walking Dead: I'll watch anything that's zombie-related, but put it on AMC and I get extra excited. Even better - while all zombie films must inevitably end, The Walking Dead, as a series, can continue for as long as it is renewed. Jericho blew it as an extended examination of the post-apocalypse, so I'm hoping this show doesn't disappoint.

It's hard to judge a series as a whole by its pilot, but the premiere of The Walking Dead is stellar. There's little here we haven't seen in countless zombie films before it, but solid execution overcomes any narrative shortcomings. There is one new idea that I hope will be explored further in upcoming episodes: sympathy for the undead. Also, Lennie James gets a large chunk of screen time and you can't go wrong with Lennie James.

Community: I've never seen an episode of Community before, although I've heard nothing but good things. I'd been holding out for the first season to appear on Netflix's instant viewing (c'mon guys, pleeeease?) but this year's Halloween episode seems like a good point to dive in. The plot, in which a zombie-like infection strikes during a holiday party, cribs from so many zombie movies that it could almost function as a standalone short film, but the individual characters get enough attention that I could probably understand their relationships to each other in following episodes. There's also Aliens references and an ABBA soundtrack. How can you lose? (It will be interesting to see if Community, unlike Glee, commits to its "anything goes" universe or if it tries for occasional misguided earnest realism. Perhaps it will split a happy medium, like in The Office or 30 Rock, where effective dramatic moments are introduced because they come from established character relationships and not randomly introduced plot points.)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: Dexter Season 4

A tenuous Halloween connection to be sure, but it's a show about a serial killer. Close enough.

Also, spoilers. Duh.

Dexter is becoming a tad predictable by its 4th season. There's a season-long story arc involving a certain character, usually another serial killer, who ends up being dumped into the ocean by the final episode. At least this go-round spares us the usual "Dexter is in danger of being found out and is about to give up killing but then everything resolves itself in the end" episode. And while Dexter himself remains as fascinating as ever, the rest of the cast is becoming more and more expendable. I've always liked Deb, and Masuka remains dependable comic relief. But Batista and Laguerta are completely useless, Rita is a pain in the ass, and Quinn is a tenth of the antagonist that Doakes was. If there's any character on scripted television capable of X-Pac heat, it's Quinn.

Fortunately, the show still has some trump cards. One is Michael C. Hall. Big shocker; he's been awesome from day one. The other is John Lithgow. Lithgow has a reputation as a comedic actor these days but as anyone who's seen Blow Out knows, he can pull out the crazy. As this season's Big Bad, he'd be required to do much of the heavy lifting even if the suplots and their characters weren't so weak. Like Jimmy Smits before him, he's more than capable of pulling his own weight. Of course, Smits' Miguel Prado was more fiery and imposing than Lithgow's Trinity Killer, not to mention younger. Initially it's a bit silly to imagine a somewhat doughy older man as a legendary serial killer. Lithgow makes it work.

It doesn't hurt that his character is written as one sick sumbitch. Lila was crazy in that psycho-ex-girlfriend sense; Prado was a loose cannon. Trinity - the series' first true recurring serial murderer since the Ice Truck Killer - is a genuine psychopath. His dysfunction is responsible for one of the most twisted episodes since the first season, and by extension one of the best (envelope pushing is, after all, one of the reasons we watch Dexter): "Hungry Man." The theme of two opposing Thanksgivings makes for a good narrative in general, but the part of the holiday spent with Trinity's family is an awesome train wreck. From Trinity's teen daughter propositioning herself to Dexter, to Trinity calling his wife a cunt at the dinner table, to Dexter completely flipping out, it's compulsively watchable. After earlier lame-brained episodes showing Dexter trying to cope with suburbia that went nowhere, it's refreshing to see something so inspired and original. Also, Deb and Masuka are forced to be around children. Gold, Jerry, gold.

Then there's the series finale's big reveal: Rita pulls a Teri Bauer and gets herself killed in the final minutes. It wasn't a gut-punch ending for me, since I'd had it spoiled. Honestly, it was something of a relief. Rita had been bitchy and a perpetual thorn in Dexter's side for most of the season, having gone from sweet but damaged when she was initially introduced to constantly nagging. I'm intrigued by what the series does with the aftershocks of her murder. Myles McNutt lays out some very interesting potential directions, but from what little I've gleamed about the current season, it's business as usual for the show's structure. I still love Dexter - check that, I still love Dexter Morgan, and two or three other characters - but if the 5th season ends with the special guest star du jour wrapped in plastic on a table, my patience may have come to an end.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: Severance

With the exception of Piranha 3D, the past three horror films I've watched (Dead Snow, The Human Centipede, and Severance) have all taken about people getting stranded in the woods in Europe. I've been trying to find a greater meaning to this pattern but it's probably just a coincidence. For starters, I don't watch a lot of horror. For whatever reason, the horror movies I do watch happen to be from Europe (REC, which I've also seen in the past year, falls outside the "lost in the woods" parameter but it is from Spain). And even Piranha 3D took place in an outdoors setting. It does seem like most horror movies take place either in the suburbs or the boondocks and shy away from cities, especially large urban cores. Is it because the big bad city, with its gangbangers and druggies, is scary enough already? I dunno.

But I'm burying the lede. Severance isn't on the level of Shaun of the Dead but it does convince me that the Brits need to make more satirical horror comedies. The plot is simple enough - a group of pencil pushers for a multinational defense company gets lost during a corporate retreat in the Balkans, and soon they realize they're being stalked. But James Moran's script and Christopher Smith's direction contain enough wry humor and misdirection to keep things fresh, although their imagination peters out by the climax. They're also capable of some very effective scares, including a set piece with a bear trap that's still in my head. It's funny, it's icky, and it's breezily paced. A solid night's diversion.

Side note: one of the characters is an American but I noticed her accent was a little off. I assumed the actress was a Brit altering her voice, but as it turns out, she's Canadian. Nice try, England. You can't fool me.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: The Human Centipede

If you're reading this there's a good chance you already know the plot of The Human Centipede, but I'll summarize it for the uninitiated: a mad German scientist stitches three victims together, mouth to anus, to make a human centipede. All together now - EEEEEW.

Now that we've gotten that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, we can discuss the substance of The Human Centipede. Unfortunately, there isn't much to discuss. It's a movie that a Texan would describe as all hat and no (surgically conjoined) cattle.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a horror film's protagonists must be likable enough that the audience invests itself in their troubles and wants them to live. Heroines Lindsay and Jenny, however, are the types of characters you usually root for the killer to bump off first. As American tourists visiting Germany they are necessarily strangers in a strange land, but they're so moronic that not only do they get lost in the woods while trying to find a nightclub, they proceed to leave their car and get lost in the actual woods themselves. They make the kids from Hostel look like Rick Steves.

That's when our fair ladies stumble upon the secluded home of Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser, a superb mad scientist name in its own right) and spend the second half of the movie making muffled screams. The "head" of the centipede, the only person capable of talking, spends most of his time cursing Dr. Heiter in subtitled Japanese. It's hard to care much about him either. Throw in some curious cops, and that's pretty much the movie.

For a low-budget production, Tom Six's direction is very polished, and Laser's performance is suitably bonkers (it doesn't hurt that he looks like a freaky bastard too). Otherwise, there's little to recommend. Once you get past the ickyness of the premise, there's little to be squeamish about. Six is judicious with blood and guts, due to either budgetary concerns or a desire to psychologically get under the viewer's skin. Unfortunately, there's only so much that a human centipede can do; the protagonists are already in the most horrific situation they could possibly get into halfway through the movie. The film's third act is therefore fairly rote. The ending is certainly chilling, but it's very grim, nihilistic out of narrative necessity more than thematic purpose.

Though their levels of exposure were drastically different, it's easy to compare The Human Centipede to Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane proved to be an enjoyable B-movie, however, whereas The Human Centipede is no more than its premise. But it's a humdinger of a premise, and Tom Six already has a sequel on the way. I don't know if I'll bother watching that one but any movie that promises to be "100% Medically Inaccurate" can't be all bad. And even if the movie itself was a letdown, at least the premise inspired such beautiful, beautiful frivolity. Tom Six is one sick puppy, but he's my kind of sick puppy.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Let's talk about the movies I've seen lately.

The Other Guys

Given the director (Adam McKay), stars (Will Ferrell, Mark Whalberg), and concept (buddy cop spoof), The Other Guys had the potential to be hilarious but wound up amusing instead. It doesn't help that the funniest characters, and the ones most emblematic of shoot-'em-up police thriller excess, get killed off in the first act. Rent Hot Fuzz if you want both the comedy and the action done right. And is it just me or was Whalberg funnier in The Departed?

Greenberg

Though I didn't hate it, and Ben Stiller and Greta Gerwig turn in fine performances, I get the impression that plotless character studies and/or Noah Baumbach movies just aren't my cup of tea.

A Single Man

A Serious Man's ending either jumps the shark or is pitch perfect. In any case, Colin Firth's performance can't be ignored, and Jon Hamm's vocal cameo is cleverly cheeky.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Edgar Wright's adaptation of Bryan Lee O'Malley's graphic novels explodes with energy, humor, and visual delight, but its conceit of a relationship as a video game is a mixed bag. Some points ring true: the past as a physical enemy; strengthening friendships as the real-world equivalent of "leveling up;" self-respect as the key to beating the villain. And it's refreshing to see love as the catalyst for average joes to inexplicably become badasses (as opposed to say, revenge in Oldboy or general misanthropy in Watchmen). But it's hard to imagine what Scott Pilgrim and his beloved Ramona see in each other. Michael Cera is moderately likeable as Scott but other than his skills at bass guitar he has zero personality, and his attraction towards Ramona apparently derivates entirely from seeing her in a dream. That didn't work for me in Brazil and it doesn't work here. Ramona doesn't have much going for her either, other than her looks, and she comes off mostly as a prize to be won.

A few side notes: fans have fervently praised the film's originality, but while it displays great imagination and a dose of creativity, calling an adaptation of an existing property saturated in comic book and video game references "original" misses the point. Also, I'd like to shake the hand of the genius who cast Mae Whitman as one of Ramona's exes, especially if it was for the sole purpose of a fight scene between a reunited George Michael Bluth and Ann Veal (her?).

Burn After Reading

Like an episode of The Wire or Mad Men, there's something comforting about the Coen Brothers' lack of faith in people in Burn After Reading. The vain, snobbish, lascivious, greedy, and stupid will get what's coming to them and in some instances pay the ultimate price for their misguided deeds, whether they deserve it or not. Even simply being a schmuck is a mortal sin in the Coen's universe. Oh, and this is a comedy. Needlessly harsh? Yes, but this is D.C., not Fargo. Meanwhile, the CIA (taking the role of the Gods, I suppose), knows simultaneously everything and nothing about the follies at hand. It's not a Coen classic (their trademark snappy dialogue is nowhere to be found) but it's satisfying, and well-acted from top to bottom.

Piranha 3D

This is the only movie I've seen in 3D since it became the trend that nobody asked for, but it has to be the first to do the gimmick justice. Truly, naked women, dismembered body parts, and killer fish were meant to be seen in three glorious dimensions. If you have a strong stomach and a willingness to leave good taste outside the theater, Piranha 3D is trash of the highest order.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Coen Brothers Power Rankings

Now that I've seen Burn After Reading, the filmography is complete. For purposes of this list, consider the segment from Paris, je t'aime to be "also recieving votes."

1. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
2. Raising Arizona
3. Blood Simple
4. Fargo
5. The Man Who Wasn't There
6. Intolerable Cruelty
7. No Country for Old Men
8. The Big Lebowski
9. Burn After Reading
10. A Serious Man
11. The Hudsucker Proxy
12. Barton Fink
13. Miller's Crossing
14. The Ladykillers

Honestly, positions 5-9 are something of a jumble. Can you really compare No Country for Old Men to The Big Lebowski? I'm very confident in the top four and bottom five, though. The other caveat is that most of these movies I've seen only once (and mostly many years ago), and since Fargo greatly improved in my mind after a second viewing there's no reason one of the others in the middle of the pack couldn't as well.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Let's talk about The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

The late Swedish author Stieg Larsson's book Män som hatar kvinnor, the first in a trilogy, directly translates to "Men Who Hate Women." In America it's better known as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and possibly best known as The Book with the Ubiquitous Presence on Public Transportation. It's part of the zeitgeist these days, though I'd have to consult a professional trendspotter to suss out whether the book captured the public's imagination first, or if it was the film adaptation that deserves the credit. Already a hit in Europe, it proved an art-house sensation in America and an English-language adaptation is fast on its way.

Does Sweden need a pick-me-up? For decades, the country's biggest cultural contribution has been ABBA and now it's best known for gritty thrillers and bloody child vampire movies. Was the film adaptation of Mamma Mia! really that big of a blow to the national consciousness? Come to think of it, it probably was.

Even if the Swedes are glooming it up, at least they can say that the sisters are doing it for themselves. The anti-heroine of Let the Right One In was a badass little girl who could single-handedly mow down Team Jacob, and the titular Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is Europe's answer to Dexter Morgan, Lisbeth Salander. Once the U.S. adaptation hits theaters the bisexual goth hacker will be the alt-it-girl for nerds everywhere. She rides a motorcycle, never smiles, has few compunctions about burning people alive, and sucks down cigarettes like she's auditioning for Mad Men. As an empowered female, she's doubtlessly part of the work's appeal.

But how feminist is Dragon Tattoo? Taking its original title at face value, the film is actually about men who hate women, and it has them in spades. The most notable is the parole officer who first sexually assaults Salander and later rapes her. After she gets her revenge, he disappears from the action and the incident is never brought up again. Are these character-building moments for Salander? Perhaps to show that she's a tough customer, especially since she uses her body as bait. But I'm not sure how allowing herself to be raped sets her up as a strong female character. Other critics have described the scene as exploitative; I'm sticking with "makes you feel icky for having seen it."

A different sort of discomfort arises from Salander's relationship with the male protagonist. He's Mikael Blomkvist, a journalist wrongfully convicted of libel who is investigating the decades-old death of an industrialist's niece in the months before his jail sentence. Salander has been scoping him out for quite some time - she knows he'd been set up because she's hacked into his computer. When she figures he could use some help on his investigation, she sends him an email that cracks a code he hadn't figured out. Blomkvist isn't angry that he's been snooped on; rather, he enlists Salander to help him solve the murder. One can imagine the scene being reappropriated for a romantic comedy. When Amy Adams hacked into Justin Long's email, it was love at first byte! But that scenario actually isn't so different from what actually happens, since Salander up and decides to sleep with Blomkvist one night (she's on top, natch) and they become criminal investigators with benefits. She's the man in the relationship, not only because she's the sexual aggressor but because she doesn't want to cuddle afterwards. Of course, it's not hard to be the dominant partner when you're as much of a blank slate as Blomkvist. Michael Nyqvist plays him with a lack of emotion that equals Salander's but without the repressed intensity. It's hard to see what she sees in him. He's middle-aged and fairly average looking, and his bona fides as a crusading journalist are only mentioned in passing. If anything, she sleeps with him out of pity. The sexual politics of Dragon Tattoo are questionable at best.

So the eroticism is either uncomfortable or lacking and the murder mystery is fairly by-the-numbers. How to explain Dragon Tattoo's appeal? Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander. Like Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2, Rapace gives the character a smolder that compensates for what's lacking in her characterization. Assuming that Salander's complex history is gradually revealed throughout the series, it's necessary for the script to play close to the vest, but she ends up being more of a cypher than a mystery. Thanks to Rapace, she's enthralling rather than maddening. Even when she's allowing herself to be raped, or initiating ostensibly meaningless sex, we believe there's a reason for it all.

Dragon Tattoo isn't a great movie. It's a decent thriller. It's certainly a long one. It's reasonably stylish. But above all else, it's Salander's franchise. She's the reason for its rebranding, the reason why its first installment isn't about men who hate women anymore. Look at her. She's a badass. Whether the trilogy can survive on her charisma alone remains to be seen. I'd certainly like future installments to be less rapey, and I'm far from hooked. Why it's a global phenomenon, I can't tell, presence of a tatted bisexual hottie excluded, of course. As a problematic artwork, I'm ironically more interested in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo than I am with 2010's better films (Inception, Toy Story 3). I think it comes back to that title. Men Who Hate Women. I can't help but think that it refers not just to the characters but to Stieg Larsson, too.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The top 15 Mad Men moments

Season 4 starts on Sunday. Here's the best of what came before:

15. “Hello. It's Dick Whitman.”
2.11 “The Jet Set”

Don Draper's excellent California adventure leads him to re-examine his life and make a phone call to an unknown person. A moment more unexpected than Guy's foot falling victim to a riding lawn mower (which will not appear in this list, just to get that out of the way).

14. Kinsey's play
1.12 “Nixon vs Kennedy”

It's hard to imagine a modern workplace dropping everything to perform a staged reading of one of its employee's plays. Most modern workplaces aren't Sterling Cooper, though, and with the entire office on an all-night bender, it's not the most implausible scenario. The scene is great for two reasons. First: it's only natural that Paul, everyone's favorite poseur dilettante intellectual, would have such undisguised contempt for Ken Cosgrove that he'd name a character in his play after him. Second: Sal's deep-mouthed kiss with Joan. The office might think he's straight, but the way Joan looks at him afterwards suggests that she realizes he doesn't kiss like other guys do.

13. “I'm Peggy Olson, and I want to smoke some marijuana.”
3.3 “My Old Kentucky Home”

No explanation necessary.

12.Greg joins the army
3.11 “The Gypsy and the Hobo”

Nobody likes Greg. He's a rapist, he doesn't have brains in his fingers, and he's A DIRTBAG RAPIST. Joan thought she was marrying up when she landed him; as it turns out, she's infinitely more capable than he ever was. But it's hard not to feel for the douchebag when he unwittingly signs his death certificate and joins the army as a medic. For him, it's a sure-fire way to redeem himself after failing as a surgeon. He can't see the Vietnam War rearing it's ugly head in the distance. We know better, and it seems almost inevitable that he'll end his run on the show in a body bag. Poor bastard.

11. Betty Draper will pop a cap in your ass
1.9 “Shoot”

Every bored suburban housewife secretly longs to ditch the ennui, pick up a shotgun, and blow away everything that moves. For Betty Draper, the weapon is a pellet gun and the target merely her neighbor's birds, but for once in her life she holds all the cards. The cig in her mouth makes it even more awesome.

10. Finger. Bang.
1.3 “The Benefactor”

Cable TV's antiheroes are so extreme these days that Don Draper looks like Kenneth the Page simply by the virtue of not having murdered anyone. It's easy to forget that he's a serial philanderer and identity thief. Early in the second season, Don is in the midst of fighting a battle on two fronts: his health and mojo are diminishing while cougar prototype Bobbi Barrett is out-maneuvering him sexually. Don's only solution is to tackle both problems head-on and... forcibly shove his fingers up Bobbi's lady business. It's an ugly act, made more bizarre by the completely plausible possibility that Bobbi, who's got some surprisingly perverse kinks, may have actually enjoyed it. At the very least, it inspired Mark Lisanti's glorious Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level.

9. Sal channels Ann-Margaret
3.4 “The Arrangements”

I'm a full-fledged member of Team Sal. In Mad Men's initial episodes he was a cookie-cutter closeted queen, but he soon became one of the show's most tragic figures and I've been rooting for him to land a decent guy ever since. It's never explained why he married Kitty, though it's safe to assume that he needed a beard to avoid being labeled a “confirmed bachelor.” The two seem perfectly compatible, but it's obvious that there's zero romantic sparks. It's never more apparent than in “The Arrangements,” when Sal describes the commercial he's directing in horrific detail to Kitty. He impersonates Ann-Margaret's dance at the beginning of Bye Bye Birdie with far more precision and enthusiasm than a straight man could ever muster. Even worse – the look on Kitty's face shows that he's putting more effort into it than he's ever put into their marriage.

8. Harry Crane's heel turn
2.8 “A Night to Remember”

Harry Crane's fledgeling television department needs help faster than a new hire is available, so he turns to Joan to pick up some slack. She's better at doing research than anyone expects, and for once clients love her for her work instead of her curves. But a promotion isn't in her future – one day she enters Harry's office to see him engaging in 1960's bro banter with Danny, her replacement. It's a pivotal moment for her. She'd done everything that had been expected of her as head of the secretaries (namely, an affair with Roger Sterling) and then landed herself a doctor so she could spend the rest of her days lounging as a housewife. She never realized her full potential until it was too late. It's an even more pivotal moment for Harry. Before, he'd been the only responsible member of Sterling Cooper's cadre of frat brothers, a nice guy, a family man. Afterwards, he's the hapless doofus who can't do anything right. And that includes disregarding Joan to introduce yet another cad into Sterling Cooper's boys' club.

7. So long, Chauncey
2.6 “Maidenform”

Duck has oscillated between villainous and tough-but-fair throughout his entire run on Mad Men. It's possible that he's the man Don Draper will be in ten years' time: recovering alcoholic with a broken family who can't coast on his good looks and charm anymore. But more about that “alcoholic” part. It's taking a lot for Duck to stay on the wagon in Sterling Cooper's booze-soaked confines. He'd love to succumb to temptation late one night, if not for the soulful eyes of Chauncey, the (former) family dog that he's now got sole possession of. It's the Irish Setter versus the bottle, but only one of them ends up left to fend for itself on Madison Ave after Duck heartlessly walks it out of the building.

6. Pete's fantasy
1.7 “Red in the Face”

Pete's having a bad day. Trying to return that damn chip-and-dip to the department store was bad enough, but his wife berating him for the rifle he exchanged it for was worse. First Cosgrove gets a story published in The Atlantic, and now this. There's only one person Pete can confide to, and that's Peggy. He proceeds to narrate a ridiculous macho-man fantasy about shooting a deer, dressing it, and then going home to his log cabin so his wife can cook it for him. Any sane person would be weirded out, but Peggy looks like she soaked her panties. Inexplicably flush with passion, she runs to the lunch cart to devour her feelings.

5. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
3.13 “Shut the Door. Have a Seat.”

The final half-hour of Mad Men's third season finale is so triumphant that it verges on fan service. With their jobs in jeopardy, Don, Roger, and Cooper go rogue and start their own advertising agency. Lane Pryce sticks it to the company that never cared about him and joins them. Don tells Pete everything he has wanted to hear to get him to come aboard, and finally treats Peggy like a human being to lure her over. Harry is plucked out of necessity, and when the team needs somebody to go through Sterling Cooper's files, why not bring Joan back into the fold? The episode ends at SCDP's temporary new home, a cramped hotel room, with everyone present. Even Trudy shoes up with lunches for the whole group – and a cake! The only things missing are Sal, Chuancey, and a unicorn. Yes, it's one big happy family. Although he's only ¼ of the agency name, Don's the father figure: Pryce and Cooper are the grandfatherly patriarchs, and Roger is the crazy uncle.

But just as he's gained one family, he's lost another. Betty is heading towards Las Vegas, where she'll establish residency and eventually divorce Don and marry Henry Francis if everything goes according to plan. Don leaving Sterling Cooper was a necessary career move, but it forced him into the tried and true Dick Whitman tactic of pulling up stakes and hobo-ing on to the next greener pasture. Roy Orbison's crooning over the closing credits mirrors Don's hopes: “in the future you will find a love that lasts.” Maybe one day he will.

4 and 3. Littering and “Everything I wanted”
2.7 “The Gold Violin”

Mad Men's early episodes laid the “hey, weren't the sixties crazy!” aspect of the show on a little thick. Two seasons later, people still hate women and smoke while pregnant, but it's not as pronounced. The picnic scene in “The Gold Violin” verges on ham-fisted when the Draper family nonchalantly chucks their trash onto the park grass, but the scene is more than a look at a world before environmental movements. It's a perfect metaphor for their behavior. Don and Betty are perpetually short on empathy, especially towards their loved ones. The scene is perversely attentive: Betty shakes the billowing picnic blanket out, trash scatters everywhere, and the family jets off in their shiny new car all in one perfectly-framed take.

Don Draper gets away with his “littering” because nobody calls him out on it. Nobody except Jimmy Barrett later in the episode. Sure, Don's been having his way with Bobbi Barrett on a regular basis for a while now, but how can Jimmy complain? Don's given him everything he wanted. And yet, “you know what I like about you? Nothing.” Don, ever with a sense of entitlement, is baffled.

The coup de gras comes in the closing seconds of the episode, when during a silent car ride home, Betty vomits over the new car's interior. Perfect.

2. A Dishonest Man Lives Here
1.8 “The Hobo Code”

Mad Men has never gone wrong with a flashback to the Whitman years. “The Hobo Code” shows us how much of Don's childhood sucked, which is pretty much all of it. Don was a whore-child and Archibald Whitman was a jerk, so naturally young Dick Whitman identifies more with a passing hobo than with his family. The hobo even teaches him some symbols fellow hobos use – the code of the title. After Archie goes back on his promise to pay the hobo, Dick notices a sign carved on the Whitman's fence, one that stands for “a dishonest man lives here.” Perhaps Don needs to have marijuana-fueled flashbacks more often, because these memories of his childhood make him momentarily realize that he's a crap father, and he tells his son that he'll never lie to him. Fat chance. As long as he goes by “Don Draper” he'll always be a fraud, and he knows it. So when he arrives at work the next morning, and the final shot of the episode lingers on the name on his office door, it's clear that “Donald Draper” is just another symbol for “a dishonest man lives here.”

1. The best pitch he ever made
1.13 “The Wheel”

At the start of the first season finale, Don is predictably trying to avoid spending time with his family. Now that he's partner at Sterling Cooper, he's swamped with work and can't visit Betty's family for Thanksgiving along with her and the kids. I understand not wanting to spend time with Betty's relatives, but still. The man's had two affairs over the course of a season, it's clear that family isn't his first priority. Family does, however, make for a great pitch. In need of an ad campaign for Kodak's new slide wheel, Don comes up with calling it a “carousel.” As he narrates while the projector shows pictures of the Draper family in happier times, the carousel lets us go around and back again “to a place where we know we are loved.” It's such a good pitch that it brings Harry – who regretted his sole act of infidelity the second after it occurred – to tears.

It's a good scene but it's really just a setup for the show's biggest gut punch. Now that Don finally realizes what love, family, and compassion are all about, he rushes home, greets Betty, hugs the kids, and announces that he'll be joining them for the holidays.

Just kidding, that was a fantasy. Betty's suspicion that Don has been having an affair was all but confirmed once she saw the numbers on his phone bill. She's already left for her parents' house and she took the kids too. It's just Don and the empty house. Don sits on the stairs with his head in his hands, perhaps thinking about the pitch so good that even he believed it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist Power Rankings (7/14)

Is it fair to do power rankings when nobody comes off good in an episode?

Whatever.

1. Abdi
2. Nicole
3. Miles
4. Mark
5. Ryan
6. Jaclyn
7. Peregrine

Honorary 8th place goes to the judges. Simon, you're awesome. Keep doing your thing. Everyone else can GTFO my television. Hell, send in Tom and Padma while you're at it. I can't think of anything substantial the judges have added all season. What's miraculous about Top Chef is how you can get a sense of how a dish succeeds or fails even though you're unable to taste it. In Work of Art we see the art, experience it, and react to it, but the judges contribute absolutely nothing.

The Triumphant Return of Top Chef Power Rankings

1. Kenny
2. Kelly
3. Angelo
4. Tiffany
5. Andrea
6. Tamesha
7. Kevin
8. Alex
9. Ed
10. Amanda
11. Stephen

There's a sizable gap - nay, a chasm - in between the top three and the rest of the competition. Even with five episodes under their belts, some of the cheftestants have yet to prove themselves. Case in point: Tamesha, who has won a Quickfire challenge but has yet to place in the top or bottom in the Elimination Challenges. Kevin has appeared in the top and bottom twice apiece. Alex started out with a strong placement but has done little of note since. Perhaps being saddled with Ed the past two episodes has caused him to plateau but it's equally likely that he's just an okay chef. Conversely, Andrea has been strong lately but how much of that success is due to her pairing with Kelly? Even Kenny, clearly one of the better competitors, has appeared in the bottom group twice.

At this point, the only certainty is who doesn't have the culinary chops. Stephen has done little all season, and I'll never be able to take Amanda seriously after the sherry incident in the second episode. Other than that, though, the it's a crapshoot. Even Ed pulled out a Quickfire victory. This isn't Season 6.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist Power Rankings (6/30)

1. Abdi
2. Miles
3. Mark
4. Nicole
5. Ryan
6. Peregrine
7. Jamie Lynn
8. Jaclyn
9. Erik

There's a bit of a drop in quality between Miles and Mark (nothing against Mark, but he has yet to really prove himself), and a much steeper one between Mark and the rest of the artists.

Spots 4-6 are more or less a crapshoot. I like Jamie Lynn's pieces as individual works but they never seem to fit right to the constraints of the challenges. Erik keeps living to die another day. I don't buy Jaclyn's schtick. The judges might have fallen for her latest piece, but I'd do what she did too if I were a hot slender young woman with big fake boobs.

For the time being, this is a two man race. Miles seems to be treating the entire show as a performance, creating a wonderfully nutty character for himself in the process. Abdi appears to be an all-around talented guy, and he's genuine, whereas Miles' act has the possibility of imploding on itself.

Pixar Power Rankings

1. The Incredibles
2. Wall-E
3. Finding Nemo
4/5. Toy Story/Toy Story 2
6. Monsters, Inc
7. Up
8. Toy Story 3
9. Ratatouille
10. A Bug's Life
11. Cars

Discuss.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Killers could have the worst poster ever.

http://www.impawards.com/2010/killers_ver3.html

From the trailer: Ashton Kutcher is a spy, and Katherine Heigl is a normal lady who falls in love with him.

Kutcher somehow found some time away from tweeting to pose for a photo. He looks like he's whining about how he can't borrow the car to go to the movies with his pals but at least he's trying to convey an emotion.

Heigl, on the other hand. Yikes. I'm confused, did her performance in Knocked Up fool people into thinking she could act? I'm not sure what kind of emotions she's trying to channel. She's a Barbie doll crossed with Vanna White crossed with a '50s housewife. All she's missing is a pearl necklace and a pot roast. A human being never looked more plastic.

It's a terrible, horrible poster. And yet, like a train wreck or Christina Hendricks, I can't look away. Maybe because I see the ads for it on the train every day. Or maybe because it's so horribly misguided it transcends mere badness. There is no possible way this poster could make anyone want to watch this movie, and yet it exists.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Speaking of superheroes... (a public domain adventure)

A few days ago I watched Attack from Space. It's a pretty crappy movie, which is why I bought it, but I didn't know it would be that crappy. I also learned a valuable lesson: never buy anything in the public domain.

It's not worth going into detail about the movie other than that the hero is played by a decidedly average guy. The English version labels him "Starman" but to the Japanese, he's "Giant of Steel." No wonder we make fun of these guys for being ill-endowed.

Because he's made out of steel, or whatever, he's more or less invincible, which leads to some rather one-sided fight scenes. These are the only real reason to watch the movie. Well, they're the only scenes worth watching period, so just skip to them. You don't even have to watch them all the way through, since they're basically ten minutes of the same lame moves (can you tell that I hated this movie?).

It's in these scenes that we realize why Superman doesn't pack heat. If he did, he'd be a dick. There's no bigger way to be a douche than to flex your nonexistent muscles, laugh, and then cap the dumbass who keeps emptying rounds into you even though it clearly has no effect. And bear in mind, we are SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR THIS GUY.

In conclusion, go to the 57 minute mark and check out the crap on display. Never before have I understood the true meaning of the words "I watched this so you didn't have to."

Let's talk about Iron Man 2.

Iron Man 2. Or as I like to call it, Tony Stark.

An indestructible superhero isn't a lot of fun. Neither is a superhero whose main power is just an arsenal of weapons. And it's a stretch to believe that the director of Elf could film a good action scene. Realizing these limitations, and that Robert Downey Jr was the best thing about the first movie, Iron Man 2 keeps Tony Stark out of action as much as possible. It's a logical choice, albeit a somewhat disappointing one.

Do any other public identities overshadow their alter egos? It's hard to get worked up over the existing laundry list of Bruce Waynes and Clark Kents, but I'd watch an entire movie of an average day in the life of Tony Stark. Iron Man isn't fun, he's the serious guy who has to care about world peace.

That's one of the biggest problems about Iron Man 2. One of the original movie's strengths was its focus on Tony Stark's character arc. He starts the film caring only about himself, his fancy toys, and whatever woman he'll be spending the night with. At the film's end, he's discovered the value of altruism and monogamy. He's still a self-indulgent jackass, but his heart is in the right place. Iron Man had a cocktail of four writers, though; two worked on Children of Men, the other two worked on Punisher: War Zone, and that mix of highbrow and lowbrow reflects Tony's character at the end of the movie. Justin Theroux, who was not one of those writers, is the only credited writer on Iron Man 2, and under his watch Tony has regressed. He might gallantly express the dignity of keeping the Iron Man suit away from the meddling hands of the corrupt U.S. government but there's no indication that he actually means it. His chief concerns are still chasing tail and Stark Industries' bottom line. His motivations don't form an arc so much as a series of loop-de-loops. One second he's pondering his inevitable death, the next he's a full-blown alcoholic. It's fine for Stark to have self-destructive impulses but he hasn't earned them (it's okay, though, they disappear halfway through the film).

So story isn't Iron Man 2's strong suit (no pun intended). Fortunately, the cast is loaded. We all know that Robert Downey Jr is brilliant, but it's surprising how well Gwyneth Paltrow bounces off of him as his secretary. She's more than capable of going toe-to-toe with him in their rapid fire exchanges. That Sam Rockwell would turn in a good performance as one of the film's two villains is not a surprise, but it's still amazing how good he is. He's the anti-Stark, just as loquacious and showboating but without a conscience or self-awareness. Mickey Rourke, on the other hand, hardly says a word as Ivan Vanko, but he looks and acts the part of a hardened criminal to a tee.

Despite what I've said, I do recommend Iron Man 2. It's not as good as the original but given other recent blockbuster sequels, you could do much worse.

Loose ends:

- I am still tickled pink thinking about John Slattery's role. Though as Howard Stark he's a weapons manufacturer and government contractor, he's clearly meant to resemble Walt Disney.

- At first I thought that Stark saying The Avengers couldn't afford his services was a meta-reference to casting the upcoming Avengers movie, but Wikipedia says Downey will in fact be part of the cast.

- Other than a swank paycheck, Terrence Howard didn't miss much by not reprising his role as Rhodey. Don Cheadle certainly looks the part but he turns in a joyless performance and is mostly relegated to the sidelines.

- Scarlett Johansson has a rather average-looking face but she continues to make the most of it. Rawr.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Let's talk about Gamer.

The "Most Dangerous Game" conceit is, disappointingly, hard to pull off. The Running Man came out nearly 25 years ago, and nobody has been able to top it since. Hard Target is very entertaining but doesn't quite fit the criteria, Surviving the Game is low-rent from top to bottom, and Battle Royale is disappointing once you get past the initial shock of the premise. I haven't seen Death Race because it looks like a half-hearted remake of the highly entertaining original, and I haven't seen The Condemned because I find it hard to get excited for a WWE Films production.

When I saw the trailer for Gamer, it looked like a can't-miss trashy pleasure. It offered a novel twist on the concept: a kill-or-be-killed first person shooter, only with real people being controlled instead of digital avatars. Directors Neveldine/Taylor (yes, that's how they're credited) were responsible for the notorious Crank films. And my God, the cast! King Leonidas, Dexter, Dexter's Texas accent, Ludacris, the Closer, President Camacho, Peter Petrelli, Q, John Leguizamo, Zoe Bell, Alison Lohman, and Keith David. You couldn't assemble a more random cast with a blind man and a Los Angeles phone book.

Yet Gamer still manages to disappoint.

The trickiest part is the protagonist. Current American cinema lacks a traditional blockbuster action star, making Gerard Butler the poor man's equivalent of someone who doesn't exist. Butler is a vacuum of charisma, and the script doesn't give him anything to do besides shoot people and glower. In fact, it's hard to remember him having anything more than a handful of dialogue. The supporting cast gives it their all (special credit goes to Milo Ventimiglia's bug-eyed turn as "Rick Rape") but the results are hit and miss. Nobody buys Ludacris as the leader of a cabal of underground hackers, and the film's other two African-American characters are prototypical Scary Black Men. The kid who "plays" as Butler's character isn't heroic enough to admire or annoyingly immature to hate. Michael C. Hall's villain is painted in colossal strokes, but is so over the top he's practically sitting on the screen. In fact, the overall aesthetic isn't pulp or cheese so much as weirdness.

There's barley any semblance of storytelling, as well. Butler's in-game missions are a blur of hyperkinetic action devoid of any suspense, thus deflating his supposedly superhuman feat of enduring nearly 30 of them. Neveldine/Taylor wrote the script too, and inject some mild satire into the proceedings but it largely falls flat. Anything else they have to say about technology and society is uninspired (the film includes the obligatory horny male landwhale whose avatar is a sexy woman). Gamer's territory is so well-trod that the filmmakers think that if they zest things up with a song-and-dance number, nifty camera tricks, ADD editing, and a few lines of wacky dialogue, they can get away with sleepwalking through everything else.

At some point we need to remind ourselves that the era of cheese ended sometime in the mid-90's and will never return. Dark, gritty, and realistic is the prevailing aesthetic. That's certainly not a bad thing. God knows I don't want to watch another Batman and Robin. A modicum of credit goes to Neveldine/Taylor for thinking outside the box with a more-is-more philosophy that, unlike Michael Bay, they don't attempt to legitimize as respectable art. I've bumped Crank up on my Netflix queue with the hope that a qualified badass like Jason Statham as the lead helps the material. Making a solid, balls-to-the-wall action film isn't the most dangerous game, but it may be the hardest.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Spartacus: Blood and Sand - "Kill Them All"

In its previous 12 hours, Spartacus: Blood and Sand featured disembowelments, dismemberments, statutory rape, crucifixion, castration, full frontal nudity from both genders, and every sexual act imaginable. Only this show could end its first season with a massacre and be somewhat low-key. All games of one-upmanship must come to an end.

And yet, how could one be disappointed? Spartacus knows what its viewers want and it delivers. The last words spoken in the season's penultimate episode are "kill them all." The title of the finale is "Kill Them All." In the finale, Spartacus and his fellow enslaved gladiators trap dozens of upper class Capuans and proceed to kill them all. Lost piled question upon question in its first five seasons and is just getting around to answering most of them in its final one. Not only did the characters on Heroes have inexplicably changing motivations from episode to episode, they also never stayed dead. On Spartacus, the evil characters are Evil and when their throats are slit they will most certainly not appear in the second season.

How about that death toll? Everybody got a piece of the action, even the ladies. Mira kills a guard, Aurelia kills Numerius - only Lost features a more homicidal cast, and while the characters on Caprica inhabit several moral shades of grey, few of them personally kill anyone. Revenge dirties everyone's soul, it seems. Either that or damn these be some badass/crazy chicks! Spartacus probably leans more towards the latter. Meanwhile, the episode's most satisfying callback sees Spartacus and Crixus recreate the shield-jumping maneuver that took down Theokoles. Only this time, Spartacus plunges his sword through the head of some aristocrat in order to begin the rebellion. Crixus' eventual partnership with Spartacus was never in doubt, so why not kick it off in the most badass way possible. The episode ends with the promise of more badassery to come, as Spartacus denounces slavery and vows to fight so that all men may be free, or something like that. He's only cared about himself in the past so his new zeal to end servitude is more of a convenient rallying cry than anything else, but I'll look past it as long as it gives him (and Crixus and Doctore) reason to slaughter more Romans.

RIP Batiatus. You're in a better place now, one where the Gods no longer spread cheeks but to ram cock in ass. Your death is disappointing - who will chew the scenery now? - but it was inevitable and necessary. John Hannah won't get any Emmy consideration for his work, but goddamn he was fun to watch. Lucretia won't be around any longer either, robbing the show of its two most interesting villains. We'll still have two-faced Ashur though, and hopefully Ilithyia will find new ways to be the biggest bitch in all of Rome, get naked, and explore her pseudo-lesbian tendencies.

Speaking of which: let's talk about Spartacus as pulp. Show creator Steven DeKnight lamented on his Twitter page that critics didn't understand "the difference between 'camp' and 'pulp.'" Spartacus is most certainly pulp, a genre that deserves to make a comeback if only because it offers something for everybody. There's nothing wrong with camp but it's often effeminate and swishy, or too self-parodic to be truly fun or funny. Pulp is purely pleasure-driven so it caters to every whim.

Your future is in limbo, Spartacus, but worry not for you'll be near to my heart. You offered gratuitous violence, abundant nudity, and absolutely no moral. Quite often you were terrible, but you were never boring. Truly, this is the new Golden Age of Television.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Spartacus Finale Will Be Sick as Hell

I've been silent about Starz' Spartacus: Blood and Sand since I effusively praised its premiere episode. There no point in reviewing it on a week-by-week basis because as a purely plot-driven show with scant thematic depth, there's little to analyze.

There's nothing wrong with being a plot-driven show, of course, especially when the storylines converge extraordinarily well. Such was the case with the other week's episode, "Party Favors." You'd have to be an idiot to think that Numerius' birthday party would go without a hitch, and with how the show emphasized the friendship between Spartacus and Varro so thickly, I'm amazed I didn't see Varro's death coming a mile away. And Ilithyia's plot to have Spartacus kill Varro isn't as far-fetched as it seems - she'd spent enough time at the games and the ludus to know that Spartacus and Varro were friends, and if she bribed Numerius with sex he'd cut off his own arm, let alone replace Crixus with Varro and command Spartacus to kill him. Most episodes of Spartacus seem as if the writers started with controversial plot points - "let's have a guy get castrated, and then we'll crucify him!" - and worked backwards from there, but "Party Favors" demonstrated that they had some epic story arcs in mind. In a show awash with miscreants, Varro was one of the few sympathetic characters. Who wouldn't want to see Spartacus avenge his death?

While the most recent episode, "Revelations" wasn't as satisfying as "Party Favors" as a whole, its final ten minutes pointed every arc of the season towards one glorious collision. You'd need a flow chart to decipher all the individual conflicts, which are too densely layered to bother summarizing. But suffice it to say that each character is pissed off at at least one other character while simultaneously beholden to him/her.

The episode's most stunning revelation, though, was that the show has finally figured out how to treat Spartacus himself. I've never been impressed with Andy Whitfield; he fulfills the Sam Worthington role of a buff attractive guy that interesting things happen to (despite my disrespect for Whitfield's talent, I do wish him the best in his recovery from cancer). Imagine trying to describe Spartacus to someone who'd never seen the show before. He's a good fighter, although primarily against substandard competition (remember, he got an assist from Crixus in his win against Theokoles). Otherwise he isn't particularly noble, or bright, or charismatic. Batiatus is apoplectic, Ilithyia is an ice queen, Crixus is hulking, Doctore has presence, and so on. Spartacus is just... there. When he singlehandedly takes down a handful of Glaber's finest soldiers, he's finally used to perfection. He hardly says a word, dishes out some sweet violence, and when forced to kneel before his nemesis, realizes how to put the odds in his favor. With Glaber as Batiatus' patron, Spartacus has the two men he hates most dead in his sights.

Whether he knew then that he'd have the support of his fellow gladiators is up for debate. But now Doctore and Crixus have reason to stick it to Batiatus and the Romans are, to use the show's verbiage, spreading everyone's cheeks to ram cock in ass. Since one slave attacking his master is cause to put them all down, why not let everyone have a slice of the action? Spartacus telegraphs the episode's final words - "kill them all" - well before he speaks them and I can't help but wonder if the writers intended for it to happen. Given all the betrayals, backstabbings, and injustices, anticipating Spartacus to say those words is as sweet as hearing them.

It's uncertain how much of its prodigious wad Spartacus will blow in the season's final episode. Looking to history (by which I mean Wikipedia) as a guide, there's a big slave rebellion looming in the distance. It's inevitable that some vengeance against the House of Batiatus will take place, and at least one main character has to die. But Batiatus is far too entertaining of a character to lose and Lucretia is preggo (I'll gladly take Ashur's death as a consolation prize). And besides, Spartacus has to rally the slaves around his cause first. Killing them all probably won't happen just yet. But this is Spartacus. The show has so much blood, it should get top billing. Shit is going to go down. And given how the last episode ended (how great was it to see Spartacus bludgeon a guy using the handle of his broken sword?) it's going to be fucking awesome.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Lost Madness: the Final Four and Championships

FINAL FOUR

(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black

Faraday's luck has to end at some point. Smokey is too formidable.

(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer

Sawyer's crafty but Locke's wise.

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

(1) Locke vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black

Let's ignore the fact that, at this moment, they're sort of one and the same. Smokey might be mysterious and badass, but Locke is one of the show's most compelling characters and emotional cores. Given the revelations of the last season finale, he's also one of its most tragic figures. I challenge you to find anyone who isn't happy that things are finally going well for him in his flash sideways, or who doesn't hope that even when possessed by the Man in Black, redemption is still a possibility.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Lost Madness: Sweet 16 and Elite 8

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (4) Faraday
(2) Juliet vs (6) Lapidus

Jack may be the central character but he'll always be remembered for making faces, popping pills while yelling at Kate, and "Stranger in a Strange Land" whereas Faraday will always be remembered as Desmond's constant. Lapidus, meanwhile, can only go so far.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (5) Richard Alpert
(2) Ben vs (3) Desmond

Sometimes seeding isn't fair; Locke, Ben, and Desmond could easily be 3/4 of the Final Four. As it stands, though, only one of them will make it. Locke over Alpert is a bit of a no-brainer but the other face-off is a dilemma. My heart says Desmond but my brain says Ben (and even my heart has a soft spot for everyone's favorite manipulator). Something feels right about picking Ben, though. He's too devious to go home this early.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (4) Claire
(2) Hurley vs (3) Charlie

Sawer's victory doesn't take much thought, but how can one choose between the most lovable of the Losties and the guy who sacrificed himself to save them? In the end, I have to go with the dude.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(2) Sayid vs (6) Miles

We all like Miles but an audience surrogate has no chance agaist an Iraqi torturer. And Kate is Kate.

Now we do it all over again:

ISLAND REGIONAL

(4) Faraday vs (2) Juliet

Both have major sympathy points for dying before their time and being involved in doomed romances, but Faraday wins by a nose. People just darn like the guy. If it's any consolation, Juliet, you're the strongest female character on the show.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (2) Ben

Ben bested Locke once before but history won't repeat itself, especially now that Locke has been smoke-ified.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (2) Hurley

Both can spin a mean catchphrase but Sawyer could pull a long con on us any day.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (2) Sayid

Smokey's finishing strong, whereas Sayid's best days were at the beginning of the series.

That's all for today. Join me later for the Final Four, which is now set in stone:

(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Lost Madness: the opening rounds

I predict that the first round will be pretty boring.

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (16) Bram
(2) Juliet vs (15) Polar Bear
(3) Sun vs (14) U.S. Marshal Edward Mars
(4) Faraday vs (13) Naomi
(5) Boone vs (12) Roger Linus
(6) Lapidus vs (11) Horace Goodspeed
(7) Jacob vs (10) Mikhael
(8) Libby vs (9) Ilana

Jacob may be powerful, but he's pretty bland for a deity and may or may not be jerking everybody's chain. Mikhael has an eyepatch and is hard to kill. I know my choice.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (16) Mr. Paik
(2) Ben vs (15) Goodwin
(3) Desmond vs (14) Cindy
(4) Michael vs (13) Arzt
(5) Richard Alpert vs (12) Paolo
(6) Ana Lucia vs (11) Vincent
(7) Christian Shephard vs (10) Keamy
(8) Bernard vs (9) Widmore

Poor Michael got saddled with the "WAAAALT" storyline, which is actually worse than being blown up by dynamite. Although come to think of it, they both got blown up. Christian Shephard is an intriguing enigma, but I've enjoyed Kevin Durand's performance (much more so than when he was on the island) in the flash sidways so much that he gets the edge. I have nothing against good old Bernard, but Widmore's role in the last few episodes will be too huge to ignore.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (16) Dogen
(2) Hurley vs (15) Karl
(3) Charlie vs (14) Abbadon
(4) Claire vs (13) Aaron
(5) Shannon vs (12) Nikki
(6) Walt vs (11) Radzinsky
(7) Rousseau vs (10) Pierre Chang
(8) Rose vs (9) Alex Rousseau

Think we'll ever see Walt again? I almost gave Radzinsky the win, to be honest. He's the kind of asshole you like to see taken down a notch. But part of me holds out hope that we'll find out what made Walt "special." And I'm sorry, Rose, but Tania Raymonde is hot. Plus, I remember her from her small role on Malcolm in the Middle.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (16) Pickett
(2) Sayid vs (15) Nadia
(3) Jin vs (14) Sarah Shephard
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (13) Phil
(5) Mr. Eko vs (12) Ethan Rom
(6) Miles vs (11) Eloise Hawking
(7) Charlotte vs (10) Tom Friendly
(8) Penny vs (9) Anthony Cooper

Our first upset-free round. Even the presence of Jimmy Barrett can't get me to shake things up a bit.

As for round two...

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (8) Libby
(2) Juliet vs (10) Mikhael
(3) Sun vs (6) Lapidus
(4) Faraday vs (5) Boone

This round favors the higher seeds even more than the last round. I have both Sun and Jin bowing out here. Nothing against them, but they're just Desmond and Penny with better cheekbones and less English.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (9) Widmore
(2) Ben vs (10) Keamy
(3) Desmond vs (6) Ana Lucia
(5) Richard Alpert vs (13) Arzt

Locke vs Widmore and Ben vs Keamy? Couldn't have planned it better if I'd tried.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (9) Alex Rousseau
(2) Hurley vs (7) Rousseau
(3) Charlie vs (6) Walt
(4) Claire vs (5) Shannon

*Yawn* Claire against Shannon is the battle of useless blondes.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (8) Penny
(2) Sayid vs (7) Charlotte
(3) Jin vs (6) Miles
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (5) Mr. Eko

Even my preference for redheads isn't enough to put Charlotte over Sayid. And Mr. Eko should've had a better run than this - but you can't fault him for once again falling to Smokey.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Lost Madness: the bracket

Before I start, I should note that This Is Endless did its own Lost bracket, and it's not a bad one. But it's only 32 characters so there's a little room for improvement. I go big or go home. Without further ado, it's time to present my own list of candidates.

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (16) Bram
(2) Juliet vs (15) Polar Bear
(3) Sun vs (14) U.S. Marshal Edward Mars
(4) Faraday vs (13) Naomi
(5) Boone vs (12) Roger Linus
(6) Lapidus vs (11) Horace Goodspeed
(7) Jacob vs (10) Mikhael
(8) Libby vs (9) Ilana

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (16) Mr. Paik
(2) Ben vs (15) Goodwin
(3) Desmond vs (14) Cindy
(4) Michael vs (13) Arzt
(5) Richard Alpert vs (12) Paolo
(6) Ana Lucia vs (11) Vincent
(7) Christian Shephard vs (10) Keamy
(8) Bernard vs (9) Widmore

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (16) Dogen
(2) Hurley vs (15) Karl
(3) Charlie vs (14) Abbadon
(4) Claire vs (13) Aaron
(5) Shannon vs (12) Nikki
(6) Walt vs (11) Radzinsky
(7) Rousseau vs (10) Pierre Chang
(8) Rose vs (9) Alex Rousseau

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (16) Pickett
(2) Sayid vs (15) Nadia
(3) Jin vs (14) Sarah Shephard
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (13) Phil
(5) Mr. Eko vs (12) Ethan Rom
(6) Miles vs (11) Eloise Hawking
(7) Charlotte vs (10) Tom Friendly
(8) Penny vs (9) Anthony Cooper

First four out: Caesar, Helen Norwood, Frogurt, David Reyes

This is a snake-seeded bracket, so that the strongest #1 seed plays the weakest #2 seed and so on. Characters portrayed by the Smoke Monster count as that character. Preference in seeding is given to the number of episodes a character has appeared in, with weighting so that fan favorites and those from earlier seasons get higher placement.

I like some of my flukey first-round pairings; Sayid vs Nadia and Claire vs Aaron are entirely coincidental.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Lost, March Madness style: an introduction

March means tournaments. Besides the NCAA men's basketball tournament, RedEye just started its annual Best TV Character Tournament, and it got me to thinking about the Road to Springfield tournament many years back to crown the best Simpsons supporting character (the site doesn't exit anymore, sadly). In turn, I started thinking about whether a similar tournament could be done using characters from Lost.

It turns out that I wasn't the first person to think up such a diversion. The Washington Post held "Lost Madness" in 2008. The only problem, as any good bracketologist could tell you, was the way they seeded everybody: Hurley vs Sawyer and Jin vs Sun are ludicrous first round match-ups. The show has also introduced a few new characters who could possibly make an impact.

Clearly, there needs to be a course correction.

Since I can't garner the votes necessary for a proper tournament, I'm going to do a mock tournament of Lost's characters, with a properly-seeded bracket that follows the regulations of the NCAA tournament. Upsets won't be as likely, since I'm calling the shots and there isn't much to leave to fate unless I decide an unusually evenly-matched contest with a coin flip. But I think there could be plenty of opportunities for surprises - I'm determining seeding mostly by the number of episodes a character has appeared in, so somebody like Mr. Eko or Faraday could easily sneak into a high round.

It's time to determine our own Candidate.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Pre-Oscar Thoughts

Man, I haven't even filled out my Oscar ballot yet. Then again, it's not exactly like filling out your bracket for March Madness. It's even harder to get excited for Best Short Film, Live Action than it is for Kansas vs. the play-in game winner.

Where to begin... I haven't seen any of the Best Documentary nominees, though I'm sure that will change at some point. Food, Inc. is on Netflix Instant Viewing so I'll probably watch it eventually, and one of the other films may catch my eye too. The only problem is that they aren't always released on DVD right away and I lose interest. I liked A Matter of Loaf and Death but it's one of the lesser Wallace and Gromit shorts so there is likely a more deserving nominee in the animated short category. Haven't seen any of the foreign language films, go figure.

Best Animated Feature Film. Up would have to be a lock to win; if it's the only animated film included amongst the Best Picture nominees, it's ostensibly the best animated film. It's no Wall-E, but it's another solid Pixar film. Coraline looked great, and I'm all for more stop-animated films, but its story was a little lacking. I haven't seen any of the other nominees. My personal favorite is actually Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, which exceeded all of my expectations. And yes, I do think it's better than Up.

Chalk one up for Avatar for best special effects. For all of its faults, it deserves every technical nomination it gets.

I have heard precisely zero of the nominees for best song. The past few winners have been solid, though. "Jai Ho," "Falling Slowly," and even "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" were stellar choices.

Nothing really sticks out for best score, so I'll give the nod to Michael Giacchino for Up even though I preferred his work on Star Trek. Other scores of note: Christopher Young's work on Drag Me to Hell, Adrian Younge for Black Dynamite, and Mark Mothersbaugh for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

Browsing through more of the technical awards... hard to get worked up about any of these. Sherlock Holmes got a few nominations. Were any of 2009's blockbusters more forgettable?

Up in the Air is all but assured of winning best adapted screenplay, although the description of the book on Wikipedia sounds more interesting than the movie was. I'm championing In the Loop - my pick for the best film of last year - although it has no chance of winning. Is there any part of that script they can actually air on network television? Best original screenplay I'd give to Inglourious Basterds out of default. Funny to see Up nominated when everyone acknowledges that its best part, and arguably the best scene of the year, is the wordless montage of the protagonist's marriage at the beginning.

The acting awards are all virtual locks but I can hardly comment on them. Nothing to say about Mo'Nique since I haven't seen Precious, but Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga were the best thing about Up in the Air by far. I've seen none of the films involved in the Best Actress race so no argument from me on whether Meryl or Sandy should win. I haven't seen Crazy Heart - sensing a pattern here? - either but Jeremy Renner was good in The Hurt Locker, whereas George Clooney was content to play Danny Ocean for a fourth time in Up in the Air.

With Best Supporting Actor, I've only seen the movie with the odds-on favorite, but at least I can think of other performances I enjoyed. Christoph Waltz sunk his Austrian teeth into his role in Inglourious Basterds and is 99.9% guaranteed a well-deserved win. But I would have loved seeing Fred Malamed get recognition for his role as Sy Ableman in A Serious Man, or Tom Noonan as Mr. Ulman in The House of the Devil. I'd proverbially listen to both of those guys read the proverbial phone book. And although other members of In the Loop's ensemble cast stand out more, nobody was more odious than David Rasche.

Now the one for all the marbles, Best Picture. (If I may talk about snubs for a second, besides In the Loop of course, I thought Star Trek was a lot of fun and would certainly be worthy of a spot) Precious and An Education are on my Netflix queue. I have no interest in seeing heroic rich white people rescue impoverished illiterate black athletes in The Blind Side. That leaves 7 out of 10, which isn't bad. Up in the Air was decent but not spectacular. It wasn't even the best movie with "Up" in the title. Speaking of Up, it's good but I feel its inclusion is partially to atone for last year's snub of Wall-E. District 9 and Avatar are two sides of the same coin, except one is just as good as the other, isn't as cliched, and was produced for a tenth of the cost. That leaves the two war movies, The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds. The former isn't as fresh in my memory, but it was very good and I wouldn't be angry if it won (it's certainly preferable to Avatar). However, I have to give the edge to Inglourious Basterds.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Awesomely awesome takedown of Taylor Swift's music

http://www.autostraddle.com/why-taylor-swift-offends-little-monsters-feminists-and-weirdos-31525/

Autostraddle appears to be a lesbian pop culture blog so it's no surprise that I'd never heard of it before, and that I probably won't make it regular reading since I'm not its target audience. But this unabashedly anti-Swift, pro-Gaga article has everything I wanted to read, plus an infographic!

You should read it too, of course, but here are the highlights.

"Taylor Swift the Person is, obviously, a good human being."

"Taylor Swift is a feminist’s nightmare."

"When Beyoncè was Swift’s age, she was onstage with Destiny’s Child, proclaiming: 'The house I live in / I’ve bought it / The car I’m driving / I’ve bought it / All the women who are independent / Throw your hands up at me!'”

"Why does Swift seem, at 20, a decade younger than [23-year-old] Lady Gaga?"

"Taylor, look at Lady Gaga in that bathtub [ref] and tell me that you’re the one in the bleachers:"

"That’s right. All Abigail had was her hymen."

"Lady Gaga is viscous hungry sex in hellfire. She’s more theatrical than Broadway and every night she sings in romantic open fists. Lady Gaga opens her dress, extracts her gut, assembles it in shapes splashed in sinister glitter and then shatters her dangerous violent diamonds onto the piano and screams FIRE and it sounds like bad romance."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Super Bowl halftime shows, post-Nipplegate

There have been six Super Bowl halftime shows since the infamous 2004 performance that featured Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson. These performers are: Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, and The Who. Going by these acts and/or their lead singers:

- All six have been male.

- Five out of six have been white.

- All six have been rock acts.

- The average age at the time of performance is 58.8 years old.

While I don't think anyone necessarily has fond memories of the 2001 show that included 'N Sync, Nelly, and Britney Spears, at least it was diverse.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Let's talk about how dull Terminator Salvation is.

The Terminator franchise has been living on borrowed time since 2003. As in the series, judgement day was inevitable.

T3 could be the definition of an unnecessary sequel. It arrived in theaters 12 years after T2, a blockbuster success widely lauded as one of the best science fiction and action films ever made. Its star was in his fifties, far past his prime. James Cameron was not involved; director Jonathan Mostow only had a few films to his name. It was a money grab.

Strangely, it ended up being far better than it had any right to be. The action sequences were excellent - I dare anyone to think of a car chase in the 00's better than the Champion crane scene. And the film ended with the ballsy choice of John Connor failing to prevent Judgement Day.

History repeated itself yet again with Fox's Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles, which blithely reset continuity so that the third movie didn't exist. Once more, what appeared at first glance to be a cash-in ended up a hugely entertaining and surprisingly deep story with solid action sequences.

Enter Terminator Salvation, which ignored the series and picked up where T3 left off. Nobody would accuse McG of being a director on the level of James Cameron but he was a step up from Mostow in terms of name recognition. With Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator model no longer the focus, John Connor became the main character - a buff John Connor played by Batman himself, Christian Bale.

Reviews were lukewarm at best. They caused me to put off watching the film until it came out on DVD, but they couldn't get me to ignore it entirely. After all, the series had proven me wrong twice before.

Unfortunately, Terminator Salvation is devoid of everything that had previously made the franchise fun to watch.

There have always been four primary, inter-related issues at stake for the protagonists in the bulk of the Terminator franchise:

1. There is an unstoppable killing machine after us. Dying sucks, so we'd better run and/or hide.
2. We need to figure out how to kill it. The Terminator won't quit until we are dead; therefore, we must destroy it. Unfortunately, it's really hard to kill a Terminator.
3. We need to stop Judgement Day. Because the apocalypse sucks more than dying does.
4. John Connor must live. If Judgement Day does happen, John Connor must be alive so he can lead the human Resistance.

Terminator Salvation diminishes these stakes or removes them entirely. Judgement Day has happened and Skynet is everywhere. Terminators remain hard to kill, but the models aren't as advanced. Even if John's father, Kyle Reese, were to die before he traveled to the 1980's to impregnate Sarah Connor, it's hard to imagine John Connor vanishing into thin air. The franchise has played fast and loose with time travel so often that it's fair to say anything goes. Thus, the Terminator franchise turns what was once a chase or cat-and-mouse series into a standard action film, and a far less interesting one at that.

Now some words on the cast. Terminator Salvation's male leads, as of today, also starred in the second- and third-highest grossing films in US history. But Christian Bale wasn't the main draw in The Dark Knight, it was Heath Ledger. The Batman franchise has never put much stock in Bruce Wayne; the actor needs to look plausible as a millionaire and have a gruff voice. That's why Michael Keaton is believable as the Caped Crusader and why Wired called voice actor Kevin Conroy the best Batman of all time. Similarly, Sam Worthington's talents had no bearing on Avatar. In their most profitable roles, Bale and Worthington aren't just playing other people, they're playing other people whose alter egos outshine themselves. This is a longwinded way of saying that Bale and Worthington have no charisma.

Oh, and Worthington can't keep from slipping out of his American accent.

The John Connor of T2 was a little brat. Nick Stahl's John Connor didn't look like an action hero at all, and T:SCC's Connor was a reluctant, even unwilling savior. Christian Bale just yells a lot and looks intense.

Furthermore, the future of the first Terminator movie looked appropriately dark and grungy (it helped that the film was made on a surprisingly low budget) and the Resistance was a ragtag group of survivors. The future of Terminator Salvation takes placed in a bleached-out Mad Max-ian California and the Resistance operates like an uncoordinated but well-equipped paramilitary group with a puzzling hierarchical structure or lack thereof.

I shall be merciful for a second. Terminator Salvation has some excellent practical effects, and in terms of lackluster 2009 action films, it's not as bad as X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its biggest crime is its mediocrity. But dammit, this is a franchise that I've come to expect something out of. People lauded Bryan Singer's take on X-Men for using pop culture sci-fi to explore thematically rich concepts. Well, I feel like I've just seen the Terminator series' version of X-Men: The Last Stand. And now that Lionsgate has purchased the rights, I'm afraid that my days of being surprised by the franchise have come to an end.