15. “Hello. It's Dick Whitman.”
2.11 “The Jet Set”
Don Draper's excellent California adventure leads him to re-examine his life and make a phone call to an unknown person. A moment more unexpected than Guy's foot falling victim to a riding lawn mower (which will not appear in this list, just to get that out of the way).
14. Kinsey's play
1.12 “Nixon vs Kennedy”
It's hard to imagine a modern workplace dropping everything to perform a staged reading of one of its employee's plays. Most modern workplaces aren't Sterling Cooper, though, and with the entire office on an all-night bender, it's not the most implausible scenario. The scene is great for two reasons. First: it's only natural that Paul, everyone's favorite poseur dilettante intellectual, would have such undisguised contempt for Ken Cosgrove that he'd name a character in his play after him. Second: Sal's deep-mouthed kiss with Joan. The office might think he's straight, but the way Joan looks at him afterwards suggests that she realizes he doesn't kiss like other guys do.
13. “I'm Peggy Olson, and I want to smoke some marijuana.”
3.3 “My Old Kentucky Home”
No explanation necessary.
12.Greg joins the army
3.11 “The Gypsy and the Hobo”
Nobody likes Greg. He's a rapist, he doesn't have brains in his fingers, and he's A DIRTBAG RAPIST. Joan thought she was marrying up when she landed him; as it turns out, she's infinitely more capable than he ever was. But it's hard not to feel for the douchebag when he unwittingly signs his death certificate and joins the army as a medic. For him, it's a sure-fire way to redeem himself after failing as a surgeon. He can't see the Vietnam War rearing it's ugly head in the distance. We know better, and it seems almost inevitable that he'll end his run on the show in a body bag. Poor bastard.
11. Betty Draper will pop a cap in your ass
1.9 “Shoot”
Every bored suburban housewife secretly longs to ditch the ennui, pick up a shotgun, and blow away everything that moves. For Betty Draper, the weapon is a pellet gun and the target merely her neighbor's birds, but for once in her life she holds all the cards. The cig in her mouth makes it even more awesome.
10. Finger. Bang.
1.3 “The Benefactor”
Cable TV's antiheroes are so extreme these days that Don Draper looks like Kenneth the Page simply by the virtue of not having murdered anyone. It's easy to forget that he's a serial philanderer and identity thief. Early in the second season, Don is in the midst of fighting a battle on two fronts: his health and mojo are diminishing while cougar prototype Bobbi Barrett is out-maneuvering him sexually. Don's only solution is to tackle both problems head-on and... forcibly shove his fingers up Bobbi's lady business. It's an ugly act, made more bizarre by the completely plausible possibility that Bobbi, who's got some surprisingly perverse kinks, may have actually enjoyed it. At the very least, it inspired Mark Lisanti's glorious Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level.
9. Sal channels Ann-Margaret
3.4 “The Arrangements”
I'm a full-fledged member of Team Sal. In Mad Men's initial episodes he was a cookie-cutter closeted queen, but he soon became one of the show's most tragic figures and I've been rooting for him to land a decent guy ever since. It's never explained why he married Kitty, though it's safe to assume that he needed a beard to avoid being labeled a “confirmed bachelor.” The two seem perfectly compatible, but it's obvious that there's zero romantic sparks. It's never more apparent than in “The Arrangements,” when Sal describes the commercial he's directing in horrific detail to Kitty. He impersonates Ann-Margaret's dance at the beginning of Bye Bye Birdie with far more precision and enthusiasm than a straight man could ever muster. Even worse – the look on Kitty's face shows that he's putting more effort into it than he's ever put into their marriage.
8. Harry Crane's heel turn
2.8 “A Night to Remember”
Harry Crane's fledgeling television department needs help faster than a new hire is available, so he turns to Joan to pick up some slack. She's better at doing research than anyone expects, and for once clients love her for her work instead of her curves. But a promotion isn't in her future – one day she enters Harry's office to see him engaging in 1960's bro banter with Danny, her replacement. It's a pivotal moment for her. She'd done everything that had been expected of her as head of the secretaries (namely, an affair with Roger Sterling) and then landed herself a doctor so she could spend the rest of her days lounging as a housewife. She never realized her full potential until it was too late. It's an even more pivotal moment for Harry. Before, he'd been the only responsible member of Sterling Cooper's cadre of frat brothers, a nice guy, a family man. Afterwards, he's the hapless doofus who can't do anything right. And that includes disregarding Joan to introduce yet another cad into Sterling Cooper's boys' club.
7. So long, Chauncey
2.6 “Maidenform”
Duck has oscillated between villainous and tough-but-fair throughout his entire run on Mad Men. It's possible that he's the man Don Draper will be in ten years' time: recovering alcoholic with a broken family who can't coast on his good looks and charm anymore. But more about that “alcoholic” part. It's taking a lot for Duck to stay on the wagon in Sterling Cooper's booze-soaked confines. He'd love to succumb to temptation late one night, if not for the soulful eyes of Chauncey, the (former) family dog that he's now got sole possession of. It's the Irish Setter versus the bottle, but only one of them ends up left to fend for itself on Madison Ave after Duck heartlessly walks it out of the building.
6. Pete's fantasy
1.7 “Red in the Face”
Pete's having a bad day. Trying to return that damn chip-and-dip to the department store was bad enough, but his wife berating him for the rifle he exchanged it for was worse. First Cosgrove gets a story published in The Atlantic, and now this. There's only one person Pete can confide to, and that's Peggy. He proceeds to narrate a ridiculous macho-man fantasy about shooting a deer, dressing it, and then going home to his log cabin so his wife can cook it for him. Any sane person would be weirded out, but Peggy looks like she soaked her panties. Inexplicably flush with passion, she runs to the lunch cart to devour her feelings.
5. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
3.13 “Shut the Door. Have a Seat.”
The final half-hour of Mad Men's third season finale is so triumphant that it verges on fan service. With their jobs in jeopardy, Don, Roger, and Cooper go rogue and start their own advertising agency. Lane Pryce sticks it to the company that never cared about him and joins them. Don tells Pete everything he has wanted to hear to get him to come aboard, and finally treats Peggy like a human being to lure her over. Harry is plucked out of necessity, and when the team needs somebody to go through Sterling Cooper's files, why not bring Joan back into the fold? The episode ends at SCDP's temporary new home, a cramped hotel room, with everyone present. Even Trudy shoes up with lunches for the whole group – and a cake! The only things missing are Sal, Chuancey, and a unicorn. Yes, it's one big happy family. Although he's only ¼ of the agency name, Don's the father figure: Pryce and Cooper are the grandfatherly patriarchs, and Roger is the crazy uncle.
But just as he's gained one family, he's lost another. Betty is heading towards Las Vegas, where she'll establish residency and eventually divorce Don and marry Henry Francis if everything goes according to plan. Don leaving Sterling Cooper was a necessary career move, but it forced him into the tried and true Dick Whitman tactic of pulling up stakes and hobo-ing on to the next greener pasture. Roy Orbison's crooning over the closing credits mirrors Don's hopes: “in the future you will find a love that lasts.” Maybe one day he will.
4 and 3. Littering and “Everything I wanted”
2.7 “The Gold Violin”
Mad Men's early episodes laid the “hey, weren't the sixties crazy!” aspect of the show on a little thick. Two seasons later, people still hate women and smoke while pregnant, but it's not as pronounced. The picnic scene in “The Gold Violin” verges on ham-fisted when the Draper family nonchalantly chucks their trash onto the park grass, but the scene is more than a look at a world before environmental movements. It's a perfect metaphor for their behavior. Don and Betty are perpetually short on empathy, especially towards their loved ones. The scene is perversely attentive: Betty shakes the billowing picnic blanket out, trash scatters everywhere, and the family jets off in their shiny new car all in one perfectly-framed take.
Don Draper gets away with his “littering” because nobody calls him out on it. Nobody except Jimmy Barrett later in the episode. Sure, Don's been having his way with Bobbi Barrett on a regular basis for a while now, but how can Jimmy complain? Don's given him everything he wanted. And yet, “you know what I like about you? Nothing.” Don, ever with a sense of entitlement, is baffled.
The coup de gras comes in the closing seconds of the episode, when during a silent car ride home, Betty vomits over the new car's interior. Perfect.
2. A Dishonest Man Lives Here
1.8 “The Hobo Code”
Mad Men has never gone wrong with a flashback to the Whitman years. “The Hobo Code” shows us how much of Don's childhood sucked, which is pretty much all of it. Don was a whore-child and Archibald Whitman was a jerk, so naturally young Dick Whitman identifies more with a passing hobo than with his family. The hobo even teaches him some symbols fellow hobos use – the code of the title. After Archie goes back on his promise to pay the hobo, Dick notices a sign carved on the Whitman's fence, one that stands for “a dishonest man lives here.” Perhaps Don needs to have marijuana-fueled flashbacks more often, because these memories of his childhood make him momentarily realize that he's a crap father, and he tells his son that he'll never lie to him. Fat chance. As long as he goes by “Don Draper” he'll always be a fraud, and he knows it. So when he arrives at work the next morning, and the final shot of the episode lingers on the name on his office door, it's clear that “Donald Draper” is just another symbol for “a dishonest man lives here.”
1. The best pitch he ever made
1.13 “The Wheel”
At the start of the first season finale, Don is predictably trying to avoid spending time with his family. Now that he's partner at Sterling Cooper, he's swamped with work and can't visit Betty's family for Thanksgiving along with her and the kids. I understand not wanting to spend time with Betty's relatives, but still. The man's had two affairs over the course of a season, it's clear that family isn't his first priority. Family does, however, make for a great pitch. In need of an ad campaign for Kodak's new slide wheel, Don comes up with calling it a “carousel.” As he narrates while the projector shows pictures of the Draper family in happier times, the carousel lets us go around and back again “to a place where we know we are loved.” It's such a good pitch that it brings Harry – who regretted his sole act of infidelity the second after it occurred – to tears.
It's a good scene but it's really just a setup for the show's biggest gut punch. Now that Don finally realizes what love, family, and compassion are all about, he rushes home, greets Betty, hugs the kids, and announces that he'll be joining them for the holidays.
Just kidding, that was a fantasy. Betty's suspicion that Don has been having an affair was all but confirmed once she saw the numbers on his phone bill. She's already left for her parents' house and she took the kids too. It's just Don and the empty house. Don sits on the stairs with his head in his hands, perhaps thinking about the pitch so good that even he believed it.
4 and 3. Littering and “Everything I wanted”
2.7 “The Gold Violin”
Mad Men's early episodes laid the “hey, weren't the sixties crazy!” aspect of the show on a little thick. Two seasons later, people still hate women and smoke while pregnant, but it's not as pronounced. The picnic scene in “The Gold Violin” verges on ham-fisted when the Draper family nonchalantly chucks their trash onto the park grass, but the scene is more than a look at a world before environmental movements. It's a perfect metaphor for their behavior. Don and Betty are perpetually short on empathy, especially towards their loved ones. The scene is perversely attentive: Betty shakes the billowing picnic blanket out, trash scatters everywhere, and the family jets off in their shiny new car all in one perfectly-framed take.
Don Draper gets away with his “littering” because nobody calls him out on it. Nobody except Jimmy Barrett later in the episode. Sure, Don's been having his way with Bobbi Barrett on a regular basis for a while now, but how can Jimmy complain? Don's given him everything he wanted. And yet, “you know what I like about you? Nothing.” Don, ever with a sense of entitlement, is baffled.
The coup de gras comes in the closing seconds of the episode, when during a silent car ride home, Betty vomits over the new car's interior. Perfect.
2. A Dishonest Man Lives Here
1.8 “The Hobo Code”
Mad Men has never gone wrong with a flashback to the Whitman years. “The Hobo Code” shows us how much of Don's childhood sucked, which is pretty much all of it. Don was a whore-child and Archibald Whitman was a jerk, so naturally young Dick Whitman identifies more with a passing hobo than with his family. The hobo even teaches him some symbols fellow hobos use – the code of the title. After Archie goes back on his promise to pay the hobo, Dick notices a sign carved on the Whitman's fence, one that stands for “a dishonest man lives here.” Perhaps Don needs to have marijuana-fueled flashbacks more often, because these memories of his childhood make him momentarily realize that he's a crap father, and he tells his son that he'll never lie to him. Fat chance. As long as he goes by “Don Draper” he'll always be a fraud, and he knows it. So when he arrives at work the next morning, and the final shot of the episode lingers on the name on his office door, it's clear that “Donald Draper” is just another symbol for “a dishonest man lives here.”
1. The best pitch he ever made
1.13 “The Wheel”
At the start of the first season finale, Don is predictably trying to avoid spending time with his family. Now that he's partner at Sterling Cooper, he's swamped with work and can't visit Betty's family for Thanksgiving along with her and the kids. I understand not wanting to spend time with Betty's relatives, but still. The man's had two affairs over the course of a season, it's clear that family isn't his first priority. Family does, however, make for a great pitch. In need of an ad campaign for Kodak's new slide wheel, Don comes up with calling it a “carousel.” As he narrates while the projector shows pictures of the Draper family in happier times, the carousel lets us go around and back again “to a place where we know we are loved.” It's such a good pitch that it brings Harry – who regretted his sole act of infidelity the second after it occurred – to tears.
It's a good scene but it's really just a setup for the show's biggest gut punch. Now that Don finally realizes what love, family, and compassion are all about, he rushes home, greets Betty, hugs the kids, and announces that he'll be joining them for the holidays.
Just kidding, that was a fantasy. Betty's suspicion that Don has been having an affair was all but confirmed once she saw the numbers on his phone bill. She's already left for her parents' house and she took the kids too. It's just Don and the empty house. Don sits on the stairs with his head in his hands, perhaps thinking about the pitch so good that even he believed it.
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