A Man for New Seasons - Spartacus: Blood and Sand

I hold a soft spot in my heart for lowest common denominator TV shows. For instance, the recent Conveyor Belt of Love, which presented 30 pieces of man candy on a conveyor belt to five (mostly) shallow women. If it's not picked up as a series, I'll be crushed. In fact, most of my televised guilty pleasures are crappy dating shows (Next, elimiDATE, Who Wants to Marry My Dad?).

Lack of imagination is the precise reason that I watched the first episode of Starz' new series Spartacus: Blood and Sand. It steals Gladiator's plot, 300's visual style, Deadwood's profanity, and True Blood's proclivity for nudity in order to make a show that's only slightly original. Perhaps later episodes will see Spartacus mature into its own concept, but the pilot sticks to well-trod territory.

In fact, the show might not even mature, period. 300 trumped the ideals of liberty and decried servitude, although the movie made no philosophical argument deeper than "isn't violence awesome?" Spartacus merely sees it fit to give the audience pumped-up action scenes and full frontal nudity. Yes, Spartacus isn't afraid to show some bush, although one gets the feeling that Viva Blanca's Iliythia is a tad, er, well manicured, even for the daughter of a Roman Senator.

It should be said, though, that Spartacus' pilot works surprisingly well as self-contained episode while introducing the characters and setting up the plot. Thracian Spartacus (Andy Whitfield) pledges allegiance to Rome as an auxiliary to their army in order to protect his village, he deserts when Roman commander Glaber (Craig Parker) reneges on his deal to defend Thrace, but the Romans eventually capture him and his wife. She's absconded to who knows where; he's sent to be gladiator fodder but his underdog victory in a 1-on-4 fight earns him a spot in gladiator training.

The only real star in Spartacus is Lucy Lawless, and it's only other actor of note is John Hannah (Rachel Weisz's ne'er-do-well brother in The Mummy). Whether they'll be able to do anything with the material remains to be seen. Most of the other actors - especially Whitfield - just need to scowl and look good while wearing little or no clothing. Parker isn't very menacing as Glaber, nor does he look particularly Romanesque. The show requires Blanca to look hot and bitchy as Glaber's wife, and she's pretty good at that.

Fortunately, skilled actors aren't necessary for trashy, campy goodness. As long as the series' post-production team is liberal with the digital blood, the fights remain unnecessarily violent, the characters have devious agendas, the dialogue is overwrought, and there are three sex scenes per episode, scenery chewing will be the cherry on top. Shockingly, critics who have seen later episodes claim that the writers eventually place an emphasis on plot - and they don't screw it up either.

I don't get Starz but the fine folks of Netflix are streaming the first episode on their website. I can only hope that they'll provide the rest of the season too, because Spartacus could be the perfect mindless entertainment to help me survive the winter.