Halloween Horrorpocalypse: The Human Centipede

If you're reading this there's a good chance you already know the plot of The Human Centipede, but I'll summarize it for the uninitiated: a mad German scientist stitches three victims together, mouth to anus, to make a human centipede. All together now - EEEEEW.

Now that we've gotten that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, we can discuss the substance of The Human Centipede. Unfortunately, there isn't much to discuss. It's a movie that a Texan would describe as all hat and no (surgically conjoined) cattle.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a horror film's protagonists must be likable enough that the audience invests itself in their troubles and wants them to live. Heroines Lindsay and Jenny, however, are the types of characters you usually root for the killer to bump off first. As American tourists visiting Germany they are necessarily strangers in a strange land, but they're so moronic that not only do they get lost in the woods while trying to find a nightclub, they proceed to leave their car and get lost in the actual woods themselves. They make the kids from Hostel look like Rick Steves.

That's when our fair ladies stumble upon the secluded home of Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser, a superb mad scientist name in its own right) and spend the second half of the movie making muffled screams. The "head" of the centipede, the only person capable of talking, spends most of his time cursing Dr. Heiter in subtitled Japanese. It's hard to care much about him either. Throw in some curious cops, and that's pretty much the movie.

For a low-budget production, Tom Six's direction is very polished, and Laser's performance is suitably bonkers (it doesn't hurt that he looks like a freaky bastard too). Otherwise, there's little to recommend. Once you get past the ickyness of the premise, there's little to be squeamish about. Six is judicious with blood and guts, due to either budgetary concerns or a desire to psychologically get under the viewer's skin. Unfortunately, there's only so much that a human centipede can do; the protagonists are already in the most horrific situation they could possibly get into halfway through the movie. The film's third act is therefore fairly rote. The ending is certainly chilling, but it's very grim, nihilistic out of narrative necessity more than thematic purpose.

Though their levels of exposure were drastically different, it's easy to compare The Human Centipede to Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane proved to be an enjoyable B-movie, however, whereas The Human Centipede is no more than its premise. But it's a humdinger of a premise, and Tom Six already has a sequel on the way. I don't know if I'll bother watching that one but any movie that promises to be "100% Medically Inaccurate" can't be all bad. And even if the movie itself was a letdown, at least the premise inspired such beautiful, beautiful frivolity. Tom Six is one sick puppy, but he's my kind of sick puppy.