The Spartacus Finale Will Be Sick as Hell

I've been silent about Starz' Spartacus: Blood and Sand since I effusively praised its premiere episode. There no point in reviewing it on a week-by-week basis because as a purely plot-driven show with scant thematic depth, there's little to analyze.

There's nothing wrong with being a plot-driven show, of course, especially when the storylines converge extraordinarily well. Such was the case with the other week's episode, "Party Favors." You'd have to be an idiot to think that Numerius' birthday party would go without a hitch, and with how the show emphasized the friendship between Spartacus and Varro so thickly, I'm amazed I didn't see Varro's death coming a mile away. And Ilithyia's plot to have Spartacus kill Varro isn't as far-fetched as it seems - she'd spent enough time at the games and the ludus to know that Spartacus and Varro were friends, and if she bribed Numerius with sex he'd cut off his own arm, let alone replace Crixus with Varro and command Spartacus to kill him. Most episodes of Spartacus seem as if the writers started with controversial plot points - "let's have a guy get castrated, and then we'll crucify him!" - and worked backwards from there, but "Party Favors" demonstrated that they had some epic story arcs in mind. In a show awash with miscreants, Varro was one of the few sympathetic characters. Who wouldn't want to see Spartacus avenge his death?

While the most recent episode, "Revelations" wasn't as satisfying as "Party Favors" as a whole, its final ten minutes pointed every arc of the season towards one glorious collision. You'd need a flow chart to decipher all the individual conflicts, which are too densely layered to bother summarizing. But suffice it to say that each character is pissed off at at least one other character while simultaneously beholden to him/her.

The episode's most stunning revelation, though, was that the show has finally figured out how to treat Spartacus himself. I've never been impressed with Andy Whitfield; he fulfills the Sam Worthington role of a buff attractive guy that interesting things happen to (despite my disrespect for Whitfield's talent, I do wish him the best in his recovery from cancer). Imagine trying to describe Spartacus to someone who'd never seen the show before. He's a good fighter, although primarily against substandard competition (remember, he got an assist from Crixus in his win against Theokoles). Otherwise he isn't particularly noble, or bright, or charismatic. Batiatus is apoplectic, Ilithyia is an ice queen, Crixus is hulking, Doctore has presence, and so on. Spartacus is just... there. When he singlehandedly takes down a handful of Glaber's finest soldiers, he's finally used to perfection. He hardly says a word, dishes out some sweet violence, and when forced to kneel before his nemesis, realizes how to put the odds in his favor. With Glaber as Batiatus' patron, Spartacus has the two men he hates most dead in his sights.

Whether he knew then that he'd have the support of his fellow gladiators is up for debate. But now Doctore and Crixus have reason to stick it to Batiatus and the Romans are, to use the show's verbiage, spreading everyone's cheeks to ram cock in ass. Since one slave attacking his master is cause to put them all down, why not let everyone have a slice of the action? Spartacus telegraphs the episode's final words - "kill them all" - well before he speaks them and I can't help but wonder if the writers intended for it to happen. Given all the betrayals, backstabbings, and injustices, anticipating Spartacus to say those words is as sweet as hearing them.

It's uncertain how much of its prodigious wad Spartacus will blow in the season's final episode. Looking to history (by which I mean Wikipedia) as a guide, there's a big slave rebellion looming in the distance. It's inevitable that some vengeance against the House of Batiatus will take place, and at least one main character has to die. But Batiatus is far too entertaining of a character to lose and Lucretia is preggo (I'll gladly take Ashur's death as a consolation prize). And besides, Spartacus has to rally the slaves around his cause first. Killing them all probably won't happen just yet. But this is Spartacus. The show has so much blood, it should get top billing. Shit is going to go down. And given how the last episode ended (how great was it to see Spartacus bludgeon a guy using the handle of his broken sword?) it's going to be fucking awesome.

Lost Madness: the Final Four and Championships

FINAL FOUR

(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black

Faraday's luck has to end at some point. Smokey is too formidable.

(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer

Sawyer's crafty but Locke's wise.

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

(1) Locke vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black

Let's ignore the fact that, at this moment, they're sort of one and the same. Smokey might be mysterious and badass, but Locke is one of the show's most compelling characters and emotional cores. Given the revelations of the last season finale, he's also one of its most tragic figures. I challenge you to find anyone who isn't happy that things are finally going well for him in his flash sideways, or who doesn't hope that even when possessed by the Man in Black, redemption is still a possibility.

Lost Madness: Sweet 16 and Elite 8

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (4) Faraday
(2) Juliet vs (6) Lapidus

Jack may be the central character but he'll always be remembered for making faces, popping pills while yelling at Kate, and "Stranger in a Strange Land" whereas Faraday will always be remembered as Desmond's constant. Lapidus, meanwhile, can only go so far.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (5) Richard Alpert
(2) Ben vs (3) Desmond

Sometimes seeding isn't fair; Locke, Ben, and Desmond could easily be 3/4 of the Final Four. As it stands, though, only one of them will make it. Locke over Alpert is a bit of a no-brainer but the other face-off is a dilemma. My heart says Desmond but my brain says Ben (and even my heart has a soft spot for everyone's favorite manipulator). Something feels right about picking Ben, though. He's too devious to go home this early.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (4) Claire
(2) Hurley vs (3) Charlie

Sawer's victory doesn't take much thought, but how can one choose between the most lovable of the Losties and the guy who sacrificed himself to save them? In the end, I have to go with the dude.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(2) Sayid vs (6) Miles

We all like Miles but an audience surrogate has no chance agaist an Iraqi torturer. And Kate is Kate.

Now we do it all over again:

ISLAND REGIONAL

(4) Faraday vs (2) Juliet

Both have major sympathy points for dying before their time and being involved in doomed romances, but Faraday wins by a nose. People just darn like the guy. If it's any consolation, Juliet, you're the strongest female character on the show.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (2) Ben

Ben bested Locke once before but history won't repeat itself, especially now that Locke has been smoke-ified.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (2) Hurley

Both can spin a mean catchphrase but Sawyer could pull a long con on us any day.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (2) Sayid

Smokey's finishing strong, whereas Sayid's best days were at the beginning of the series.

That's all for today. Join me later for the Final Four, which is now set in stone:

(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer

Lost Madness: the opening rounds

I predict that the first round will be pretty boring.

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (16) Bram
(2) Juliet vs (15) Polar Bear
(3) Sun vs (14) U.S. Marshal Edward Mars
(4) Faraday vs (13) Naomi
(5) Boone vs (12) Roger Linus
(6) Lapidus vs (11) Horace Goodspeed
(7) Jacob vs (10) Mikhael
(8) Libby vs (9) Ilana

Jacob may be powerful, but he's pretty bland for a deity and may or may not be jerking everybody's chain. Mikhael has an eyepatch and is hard to kill. I know my choice.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (16) Mr. Paik
(2) Ben vs (15) Goodwin
(3) Desmond vs (14) Cindy
(4) Michael vs (13) Arzt
(5) Richard Alpert vs (12) Paolo
(6) Ana Lucia vs (11) Vincent
(7) Christian Shephard vs (10) Keamy
(8) Bernard vs (9) Widmore

Poor Michael got saddled with the "WAAAALT" storyline, which is actually worse than being blown up by dynamite. Although come to think of it, they both got blown up. Christian Shephard is an intriguing enigma, but I've enjoyed Kevin Durand's performance (much more so than when he was on the island) in the flash sidways so much that he gets the edge. I have nothing against good old Bernard, but Widmore's role in the last few episodes will be too huge to ignore.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (16) Dogen
(2) Hurley vs (15) Karl
(3) Charlie vs (14) Abbadon
(4) Claire vs (13) Aaron
(5) Shannon vs (12) Nikki
(6) Walt vs (11) Radzinsky
(7) Rousseau vs (10) Pierre Chang
(8) Rose vs (9) Alex Rousseau

Think we'll ever see Walt again? I almost gave Radzinsky the win, to be honest. He's the kind of asshole you like to see taken down a notch. But part of me holds out hope that we'll find out what made Walt "special." And I'm sorry, Rose, but Tania Raymonde is hot. Plus, I remember her from her small role on Malcolm in the Middle.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (16) Pickett
(2) Sayid vs (15) Nadia
(3) Jin vs (14) Sarah Shephard
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (13) Phil
(5) Mr. Eko vs (12) Ethan Rom
(6) Miles vs (11) Eloise Hawking
(7) Charlotte vs (10) Tom Friendly
(8) Penny vs (9) Anthony Cooper

Our first upset-free round. Even the presence of Jimmy Barrett can't get me to shake things up a bit.

As for round two...

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (8) Libby
(2) Juliet vs (10) Mikhael
(3) Sun vs (6) Lapidus
(4) Faraday vs (5) Boone

This round favors the higher seeds even more than the last round. I have both Sun and Jin bowing out here. Nothing against them, but they're just Desmond and Penny with better cheekbones and less English.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (9) Widmore
(2) Ben vs (10) Keamy
(3) Desmond vs (6) Ana Lucia
(5) Richard Alpert vs (13) Arzt

Locke vs Widmore and Ben vs Keamy? Couldn't have planned it better if I'd tried.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (9) Alex Rousseau
(2) Hurley vs (7) Rousseau
(3) Charlie vs (6) Walt
(4) Claire vs (5) Shannon

*Yawn* Claire against Shannon is the battle of useless blondes.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (8) Penny
(2) Sayid vs (7) Charlotte
(3) Jin vs (6) Miles
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (5) Mr. Eko

Even my preference for redheads isn't enough to put Charlotte over Sayid. And Mr. Eko should've had a better run than this - but you can't fault him for once again falling to Smokey.

Lost Madness: the bracket

Before I start, I should note that This Is Endless did its own Lost bracket, and it's not a bad one. But it's only 32 characters so there's a little room for improvement. I go big or go home. Without further ado, it's time to present my own list of candidates.

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (16) Bram
(2) Juliet vs (15) Polar Bear
(3) Sun vs (14) U.S. Marshal Edward Mars
(4) Faraday vs (13) Naomi
(5) Boone vs (12) Roger Linus
(6) Lapidus vs (11) Horace Goodspeed
(7) Jacob vs (10) Mikhael
(8) Libby vs (9) Ilana


LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (16) Mr. Paik
(2) Ben vs (15) Goodwin
(3) Desmond vs (14) Cindy
(4) Michael vs (13) Arzt
(5) Richard Alpert vs (12) Paolo
(6) Ana Lucia vs (11) Vincent
(7) Christian Shephard vs (10) Keamy
(8) Bernard vs (9) Widmore


SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (16) Dogen
(2) Hurley vs (15) Karl
(3) Charlie vs (14) Abbadon
(4) Claire vs (13) Aaron
(5) Shannon vs (12) Nikki
(6) Walt vs (11) Radzinsky
(7) Rousseau vs (10) Pierre Chang
(8) Rose vs (9) Alex Rousseau


ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (16) Pickett
(2) Sayid vs (15) Nadia
(3) Jin vs (14) Sarah Shephard
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (13) Phil
(5) Mr. Eko vs (12) Ethan Rom
(6) Miles vs (11) Eloise Hawking
(7) Charlotte vs (10) Tom Friendly
(8) Penny vs (9) Anthony Cooper

First four out: Caesar, Helen Norwood, Frogurt, David Reyes

This is a snake-seeded bracket, so that the strongest #1 seed plays the weakest #2 seed and so on. Characters portrayed by the Smoke Monster count as that character. Preference in seeding is given to the number of episodes a character has appeared in, with weighting so that fan favorites and those from earlier seasons get higher placement.

I like some of my flukey first-round pairings; Sayid vs Nadia and Claire vs Aaron are entirely coincidental.

Lost, March Madness style: an introduction

March means tournaments. Besides the NCAA men's basketball tournament, RedEye just started its annual Best TV Character Tournament, and it got me to thinking about the Road to Springfield tournament many years back to crown the best Simpsons supporting character (the site doesn't exit anymore, sadly). In turn, I started thinking about whether a similar tournament could be done using characters from Lost.

It turns out that I wasn't the first person to think up such a diversion. The Washington Post held "Lost Madness" in 2008. The only problem, as any good bracketologist could tell you, was the way they seeded everybody: Hurley vs Sawyer and Jin vs Sun are ludicrous first round match-ups. The show has also introduced a few new characters who could possibly make an impact.

Clearly, there needs to be a course correction.

Since I can't garner the votes necessary for a proper tournament, I'm going to do a mock tournament of Lost's characters, with a properly-seeded bracket that follows the regulations of the NCAA tournament. Upsets won't be as likely, since I'm calling the shots and there isn't much to leave to fate unless I decide an unusually evenly-matched contest with a coin flip. But I think there could be plenty of opportunities for surprises - I'm determining seeding mostly by the number of episodes a character has appeared in, so somebody like Mr. Eko or Faraday could easily sneak into a high round.

It's time to determine our own Candidate.

Pre-Oscar Thoughts

Man, I haven't even filled out my Oscar ballot yet. Then again, it's not exactly like filling out your bracket for March Madness. It's even harder to get excited for Best Short Film, Live Action than it is for Kansas vs. the play-in game winner.

Where to begin... I haven't seen any of the Best Documentary nominees, though I'm sure that will change at some point. Food, Inc. is on Netflix Instant Viewing so I'll probably watch it eventually, and one of the other films may catch my eye too. The only problem is that they aren't always released on DVD right away and I lose interest. I liked A Matter of Loaf and Death but it's one of the lesser Wallace and Gromit shorts so there is likely a more deserving nominee in the animated short category. Haven't seen any of the foreign language films, go figure.

Best Animated Feature Film. Up would have to be a lock to win; if it's the only animated film included amongst the Best Picture nominees, it's ostensibly the best animated film. It's no Wall-E, but it's another solid Pixar film. Coraline looked great, and I'm all for more stop-animated films, but its story was a little lacking. I haven't seen any of the other nominees. My personal favorite is actually Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, which exceeded all of my expectations. And yes, I do think it's better than Up.

Chalk one up for Avatar for best special effects. For all of its faults, it deserves every technical nomination it gets.

I have heard precisely zero of the nominees for best song. The past few winners have been solid, though. "Jai Ho," "Falling Slowly," and even "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" were stellar choices.

Nothing really sticks out for best score, so I'll give the nod to Michael Giacchino for Up even though I preferred his work on Star Trek. Other scores of note: Christopher Young's work on Drag Me to Hell, Adrian Younge for Black Dynamite, and Mark Mothersbaugh for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

Browsing through more of the technical awards... hard to get worked up about any of these. Sherlock Holmes got a few nominations. Were any of 2009's blockbusters more forgettable?

Up in the Air is all but assured of winning best adapted screenplay, although the description of the book on Wikipedia sounds more interesting than the movie was. I'm championing In the Loop - my pick for the best film of last year - although it has no chance of winning. Is there any part of that script they can actually air on network television? Best original screenplay I'd give to Inglourious Basterds out of default. Funny to see Up nominated when everyone acknowledges that its best part, and arguably the best scene of the year, is the wordless montage of the protagonist's marriage at the beginning.

The acting awards are all virtual locks but I can hardly comment on them. Nothing to say about Mo'Nique since I haven't seen Precious, but Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga were the best thing about Up in the Air by far. I've seen none of the films involved in the Best Actress race so no argument from me on whether Meryl or Sandy should win. I haven't seen Crazy Heart - sensing a pattern here? - either but Jeremy Renner was good in The Hurt Locker, whereas George Clooney was content to play Danny Ocean for a fourth time in Up in the Air.

With Best Supporting Actor, I've only seen the movie with the odds-on favorite, but at least I can think of other performances I enjoyed. Christoph Waltz sunk his Austrian teeth into his role in Inglourious Basterds and is 99.9% guaranteed a well-deserved win. But I would have loved seeing Fred Malamed get recognition for his role as Sy Ableman in A Serious Man, or Tom Noonan as Mr. Ulman in The House of the Devil. I'd proverbially listen to both of those guys read the proverbial phone book. And although other members of In the Loop's ensemble cast stand out more, nobody was more odious than David Rasche.

Now the one for all the marbles, Best Picture. (If I may talk about snubs for a second, besides In the Loop of course, I thought Star Trek was a lot of fun and would certainly be worthy of a spot) Precious and An Education are on my Netflix queue. I have no interest in seeing heroic rich white people rescue impoverished illiterate black athletes in The Blind Side. That leaves 7 out of 10, which isn't bad. Up in the Air was decent but not spectacular. It wasn't even the best movie with "Up" in the title. Speaking of Up, it's good but I feel its inclusion is partially to atone for last year's snub of Wall-E. District 9 and Avatar are two sides of the same coin, except one is just as good as the other, isn't as cliched, and was produced for a tenth of the cost. That leaves the two war movies, The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds. The former isn't as fresh in my memory, but it was very good and I wouldn't be angry if it won (it's certainly preferable to Avatar). However, I have to give the edge to Inglourious Basterds.