The "Most Dangerous Game" conceit is, disappointingly, hard to pull off. The Running Man came out nearly 25 years ago, and nobody has been able to top it since. Hard Target is very entertaining but doesn't quite fit the criteria, Surviving the Game is low-rent from top to bottom, and Battle Royale is disappointing once you get past the initial shock of the premise. I haven't seen Death Race because it looks like a half-hearted remake of the highly entertaining original, and I haven't seen The Condemned because I find it hard to get excited for a WWE Films production.
When I saw the trailer for Gamer, it looked like a can't-miss trashy pleasure. It offered a novel twist on the concept: a kill-or-be-killed first person shooter, only with real people being controlled instead of digital avatars. Directors Neveldine/Taylor (yes, that's how they're credited) were responsible for the notorious Crank films. And my God, the cast! King Leonidas, Dexter, Dexter's Texas accent, Ludacris, the Closer, President Camacho, Peter Petrelli, Q, John Leguizamo, Zoe Bell, Alison Lohman, and Keith David. You couldn't assemble a more random cast with a blind man and a Los Angeles phone book.
Yet Gamer still manages to disappoint.
The trickiest part is the protagonist. Current American cinema lacks a traditional blockbuster action star, making Gerard Butler the poor man's equivalent of someone who doesn't exist. Butler is a vacuum of charisma, and the script doesn't give him anything to do besides shoot people and glower. In fact, it's hard to remember him having anything more than a handful of dialogue. The supporting cast gives it their all (special credit goes to Milo Ventimiglia's bug-eyed turn as "Rick Rape") but the results are hit and miss. Nobody buys Ludacris as the leader of a cabal of underground hackers, and the film's other two African-American characters are prototypical Scary Black Men. The kid who "plays" as Butler's character isn't heroic enough to admire or annoyingly immature to hate. Michael C. Hall's villain is painted in colossal strokes, but is so over the top he's practically sitting on the screen. In fact, the overall aesthetic isn't pulp or cheese so much as weirdness.
There's barley any semblance of storytelling, as well. Butler's in-game missions are a blur of hyperkinetic action devoid of any suspense, thus deflating his supposedly superhuman feat of enduring nearly 30 of them. Neveldine/Taylor wrote the script too, and inject some mild satire into the proceedings but it largely falls flat. Anything else they have to say about technology and society is uninspired (the film includes the obligatory horny male landwhale whose avatar is a sexy woman). Gamer's territory is so well-trod that the filmmakers think that if they zest things up with a song-and-dance number, nifty camera tricks, ADD editing, and a few lines of wacky dialogue, they can get away with sleepwalking through everything else.
At some point we need to remind ourselves that the era of cheese ended sometime in the mid-90's and will never return. Dark, gritty, and realistic is the prevailing aesthetic. That's certainly not a bad thing. God knows I don't want to watch another Batman and Robin. A modicum of credit goes to Neveldine/Taylor for thinking outside the box with a more-is-more philosophy that, unlike Michael Bay, they don't attempt to legitimize as respectable art. I've bumped Crank up on my Netflix queue with the hope that a qualified badass like Jason Statham as the lead helps the material. Making a solid, balls-to-the-wall action film isn't the most dangerous game, but it may be the hardest.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Spartacus: Blood and Sand - "Kill Them All"
In its previous 12 hours, Spartacus: Blood and Sand featured disembowelments, dismemberments, statutory rape, crucifixion, castration, full frontal nudity from both genders, and every sexual act imaginable. Only this show could end its first season with a massacre and be somewhat low-key. All games of one-upmanship must come to an end.
And yet, how could one be disappointed? Spartacus knows what its viewers want and it delivers. The last words spoken in the season's penultimate episode are "kill them all." The title of the finale is "Kill Them All." In the finale, Spartacus and his fellow enslaved gladiators trap dozens of upper class Capuans and proceed to kill them all. Lost piled question upon question in its first five seasons and is just getting around to answering most of them in its final one. Not only did the characters on Heroes have inexplicably changing motivations from episode to episode, they also never stayed dead. On Spartacus, the evil characters are Evil and when their throats are slit they will most certainly not appear in the second season.
How about that death toll? Everybody got a piece of the action, even the ladies. Mira kills a guard, Aurelia kills Numerius - only Lost features a more homicidal cast, and while the characters on Caprica inhabit several moral shades of grey, few of them personally kill anyone. Revenge dirties everyone's soul, it seems. Either that or damn these be some badass/crazy chicks! Spartacus probably leans more towards the latter. Meanwhile, the episode's most satisfying callback sees Spartacus and Crixus recreate the shield-jumping maneuver that took down Theokoles. Only this time, Spartacus plunges his sword through the head of some aristocrat in order to begin the rebellion. Crixus' eventual partnership with Spartacus was never in doubt, so why not kick it off in the most badass way possible. The episode ends with the promise of more badassery to come, as Spartacus denounces slavery and vows to fight so that all men may be free, or something like that. He's only cared about himself in the past so his new zeal to end servitude is more of a convenient rallying cry than anything else, but I'll look past it as long as it gives him (and Crixus and Doctore) reason to slaughter more Romans.
RIP Batiatus. You're in a better place now, one where the Gods no longer spread cheeks but to ram cock in ass. Your death is disappointing - who will chew the scenery now? - but it was inevitable and necessary. John Hannah won't get any Emmy consideration for his work, but goddamn he was fun to watch. Lucretia won't be around any longer either, robbing the show of its two most interesting villains. We'll still have two-faced Ashur though, and hopefully Ilithyia will find new ways to be the biggest bitch in all of Rome, get naked, and explore her pseudo-lesbian tendencies.
Speaking of which: let's talk about Spartacus as pulp. Show creator Steven DeKnight lamented on his Twitter page that critics didn't understand "the difference between 'camp' and 'pulp.'" Spartacus is most certainly pulp, a genre that deserves to make a comeback if only because it offers something for everybody. There's nothing wrong with camp but it's often effeminate and swishy, or too self-parodic to be truly fun or funny. Pulp is purely pleasure-driven so it caters to every whim.
Your future is in limbo, Spartacus, but worry not for you'll be near to my heart. You offered gratuitous violence, abundant nudity, and absolutely no moral. Quite often you were terrible, but you were never boring. Truly, this is the new Golden Age of Television.
And yet, how could one be disappointed? Spartacus knows what its viewers want and it delivers. The last words spoken in the season's penultimate episode are "kill them all." The title of the finale is "Kill Them All." In the finale, Spartacus and his fellow enslaved gladiators trap dozens of upper class Capuans and proceed to kill them all. Lost piled question upon question in its first five seasons and is just getting around to answering most of them in its final one. Not only did the characters on Heroes have inexplicably changing motivations from episode to episode, they also never stayed dead. On Spartacus, the evil characters are Evil and when their throats are slit they will most certainly not appear in the second season.
How about that death toll? Everybody got a piece of the action, even the ladies. Mira kills a guard, Aurelia kills Numerius - only Lost features a more homicidal cast, and while the characters on Caprica inhabit several moral shades of grey, few of them personally kill anyone. Revenge dirties everyone's soul, it seems. Either that or damn these be some badass/crazy chicks! Spartacus probably leans more towards the latter. Meanwhile, the episode's most satisfying callback sees Spartacus and Crixus recreate the shield-jumping maneuver that took down Theokoles. Only this time, Spartacus plunges his sword through the head of some aristocrat in order to begin the rebellion. Crixus' eventual partnership with Spartacus was never in doubt, so why not kick it off in the most badass way possible. The episode ends with the promise of more badassery to come, as Spartacus denounces slavery and vows to fight so that all men may be free, or something like that. He's only cared about himself in the past so his new zeal to end servitude is more of a convenient rallying cry than anything else, but I'll look past it as long as it gives him (and Crixus and Doctore) reason to slaughter more Romans.
RIP Batiatus. You're in a better place now, one where the Gods no longer spread cheeks but to ram cock in ass. Your death is disappointing - who will chew the scenery now? - but it was inevitable and necessary. John Hannah won't get any Emmy consideration for his work, but goddamn he was fun to watch. Lucretia won't be around any longer either, robbing the show of its two most interesting villains. We'll still have two-faced Ashur though, and hopefully Ilithyia will find new ways to be the biggest bitch in all of Rome, get naked, and explore her pseudo-lesbian tendencies.
Speaking of which: let's talk about Spartacus as pulp. Show creator Steven DeKnight lamented on his Twitter page that critics didn't understand "the difference between 'camp' and 'pulp.'" Spartacus is most certainly pulp, a genre that deserves to make a comeback if only because it offers something for everybody. There's nothing wrong with camp but it's often effeminate and swishy, or too self-parodic to be truly fun or funny. Pulp is purely pleasure-driven so it caters to every whim.
Your future is in limbo, Spartacus, but worry not for you'll be near to my heart. You offered gratuitous violence, abundant nudity, and absolutely no moral. Quite often you were terrible, but you were never boring. Truly, this is the new Golden Age of Television.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Spartacus Finale Will Be Sick as Hell
I've been silent about Starz' Spartacus: Blood and Sand since I effusively praised its premiere episode. There no point in reviewing it on a week-by-week basis because as a purely plot-driven show with scant thematic depth, there's little to analyze.
There's nothing wrong with being a plot-driven show, of course, especially when the storylines converge extraordinarily well. Such was the case with the other week's episode, "Party Favors." You'd have to be an idiot to think that Numerius' birthday party would go without a hitch, and with how the show emphasized the friendship between Spartacus and Varro so thickly, I'm amazed I didn't see Varro's death coming a mile away. And Ilithyia's plot to have Spartacus kill Varro isn't as far-fetched as it seems - she'd spent enough time at the games and the ludus to know that Spartacus and Varro were friends, and if she bribed Numerius with sex he'd cut off his own arm, let alone replace Crixus with Varro and command Spartacus to kill him. Most episodes of Spartacus seem as if the writers started with controversial plot points - "let's have a guy get castrated, and then we'll crucify him!" - and worked backwards from there, but "Party Favors" demonstrated that they had some epic story arcs in mind. In a show awash with miscreants, Varro was one of the few sympathetic characters. Who wouldn't want to see Spartacus avenge his death?
While the most recent episode, "Revelations" wasn't as satisfying as "Party Favors" as a whole, its final ten minutes pointed every arc of the season towards one glorious collision. You'd need a flow chart to decipher all the individual conflicts, which are too densely layered to bother summarizing. But suffice it to say that each character is pissed off at at least one other character while simultaneously beholden to him/her.
The episode's most stunning revelation, though, was that the show has finally figured out how to treat Spartacus himself. I've never been impressed with Andy Whitfield; he fulfills the Sam Worthington role of a buff attractive guy that interesting things happen to (despite my disrespect for Whitfield's talent, I do wish him the best in his recovery from cancer). Imagine trying to describe Spartacus to someone who'd never seen the show before. He's a good fighter, although primarily against substandard competition (remember, he got an assist from Crixus in his win against Theokoles). Otherwise he isn't particularly noble, or bright, or charismatic. Batiatus is apoplectic, Ilithyia is an ice queen, Crixus is hulking, Doctore has presence, and so on. Spartacus is just... there. When he singlehandedly takes down a handful of Glaber's finest soldiers, he's finally used to perfection. He hardly says a word, dishes out some sweet violence, and when forced to kneel before his nemesis, realizes how to put the odds in his favor. With Glaber as Batiatus' patron, Spartacus has the two men he hates most dead in his sights.
Whether he knew then that he'd have the support of his fellow gladiators is up for debate. But now Doctore and Crixus have reason to stick it to Batiatus and the Romans are, to use the show's verbiage, spreading everyone's cheeks to ram cock in ass. Since one slave attacking his master is cause to put them all down, why not let everyone have a slice of the action? Spartacus telegraphs the episode's final words - "kill them all" - well before he speaks them and I can't help but wonder if the writers intended for it to happen. Given all the betrayals, backstabbings, and injustices, anticipating Spartacus to say those words is as sweet as hearing them.
It's uncertain how much of its prodigious wad Spartacus will blow in the season's final episode. Looking to history (by which I mean Wikipedia) as a guide, there's a big slave rebellion looming in the distance. It's inevitable that some vengeance against the House of Batiatus will take place, and at least one main character has to die. But Batiatus is far too entertaining of a character to lose and Lucretia is preggo (I'll gladly take Ashur's death as a consolation prize). And besides, Spartacus has to rally the slaves around his cause first. Killing them all probably won't happen just yet. But this is Spartacus. The show has so much blood, it should get top billing. Shit is going to go down. And given how the last episode ended (how great was it to see Spartacus bludgeon a guy using the handle of his broken sword?) it's going to be fucking awesome.
There's nothing wrong with being a plot-driven show, of course, especially when the storylines converge extraordinarily well. Such was the case with the other week's episode, "Party Favors." You'd have to be an idiot to think that Numerius' birthday party would go without a hitch, and with how the show emphasized the friendship between Spartacus and Varro so thickly, I'm amazed I didn't see Varro's death coming a mile away. And Ilithyia's plot to have Spartacus kill Varro isn't as far-fetched as it seems - she'd spent enough time at the games and the ludus to know that Spartacus and Varro were friends, and if she bribed Numerius with sex he'd cut off his own arm, let alone replace Crixus with Varro and command Spartacus to kill him. Most episodes of Spartacus seem as if the writers started with controversial plot points - "let's have a guy get castrated, and then we'll crucify him!" - and worked backwards from there, but "Party Favors" demonstrated that they had some epic story arcs in mind. In a show awash with miscreants, Varro was one of the few sympathetic characters. Who wouldn't want to see Spartacus avenge his death?
While the most recent episode, "Revelations" wasn't as satisfying as "Party Favors" as a whole, its final ten minutes pointed every arc of the season towards one glorious collision. You'd need a flow chart to decipher all the individual conflicts, which are too densely layered to bother summarizing. But suffice it to say that each character is pissed off at at least one other character while simultaneously beholden to him/her.
The episode's most stunning revelation, though, was that the show has finally figured out how to treat Spartacus himself. I've never been impressed with Andy Whitfield; he fulfills the Sam Worthington role of a buff attractive guy that interesting things happen to (despite my disrespect for Whitfield's talent, I do wish him the best in his recovery from cancer). Imagine trying to describe Spartacus to someone who'd never seen the show before. He's a good fighter, although primarily against substandard competition (remember, he got an assist from Crixus in his win against Theokoles). Otherwise he isn't particularly noble, or bright, or charismatic. Batiatus is apoplectic, Ilithyia is an ice queen, Crixus is hulking, Doctore has presence, and so on. Spartacus is just... there. When he singlehandedly takes down a handful of Glaber's finest soldiers, he's finally used to perfection. He hardly says a word, dishes out some sweet violence, and when forced to kneel before his nemesis, realizes how to put the odds in his favor. With Glaber as Batiatus' patron, Spartacus has the two men he hates most dead in his sights.
Whether he knew then that he'd have the support of his fellow gladiators is up for debate. But now Doctore and Crixus have reason to stick it to Batiatus and the Romans are, to use the show's verbiage, spreading everyone's cheeks to ram cock in ass. Since one slave attacking his master is cause to put them all down, why not let everyone have a slice of the action? Spartacus telegraphs the episode's final words - "kill them all" - well before he speaks them and I can't help but wonder if the writers intended for it to happen. Given all the betrayals, backstabbings, and injustices, anticipating Spartacus to say those words is as sweet as hearing them.
It's uncertain how much of its prodigious wad Spartacus will blow in the season's final episode. Looking to history (by which I mean Wikipedia) as a guide, there's a big slave rebellion looming in the distance. It's inevitable that some vengeance against the House of Batiatus will take place, and at least one main character has to die. But Batiatus is far too entertaining of a character to lose and Lucretia is preggo (I'll gladly take Ashur's death as a consolation prize). And besides, Spartacus has to rally the slaves around his cause first. Killing them all probably won't happen just yet. But this is Spartacus. The show has so much blood, it should get top billing. Shit is going to go down. And given how the last episode ended (how great was it to see Spartacus bludgeon a guy using the handle of his broken sword?) it's going to be fucking awesome.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Lost Madness: the Final Four and Championships
FINAL FOUR
(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
Faraday's luck has to end at some point. Smokey is too formidable.
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer
Sawyer's crafty but Locke's wise.
CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
(1) Locke vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
Let's ignore the fact that, at this moment, they're sort of one and the same. Smokey might be mysterious and badass, but Locke is one of the show's most compelling characters and emotional cores. Given the revelations of the last season finale, he's also one of its most tragic figures. I challenge you to find anyone who isn't happy that things are finally going well for him in his flash sideways, or who doesn't hope that even when possessed by the Man in Black, redemption is still a possibility.
(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
Faraday's luck has to end at some point. Smokey is too formidable.
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer
Sawyer's crafty but Locke's wise.
CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
(1) Locke vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
Let's ignore the fact that, at this moment, they're sort of one and the same. Smokey might be mysterious and badass, but Locke is one of the show's most compelling characters and emotional cores. Given the revelations of the last season finale, he's also one of its most tragic figures. I challenge you to find anyone who isn't happy that things are finally going well for him in his flash sideways, or who doesn't hope that even when possessed by the Man in Black, redemption is still a possibility.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Lost Madness: Sweet 16 and Elite 8
ISLAND REGIONAL
(1) Jack vs (4) Faraday
(2) Juliet vs (6) Lapidus
Jack may be the central character but he'll always be remembered for making faces, popping pills while yelling at Kate, and "Stranger in a Strange Land" whereas Faraday will always be remembered as Desmond's constant. Lapidus, meanwhile, can only go so far.
LOS ANGELES REGIONAL
(1) Locke vs (5) Richard Alpert
(2) Ben vs (3) Desmond
Sometimes seeding isn't fair; Locke, Ben, and Desmond could easily be 3/4 of the Final Four. As it stands, though, only one of them will make it. Locke over Alpert is a bit of a no-brainer but the other face-off is a dilemma. My heart says Desmond but my brain says Ben (and even my heart has a soft spot for everyone's favorite manipulator). Something feels right about picking Ben, though. He's too devious to go home this early.
SYDNEY REGIONAL
(1) Sawyer vs (4) Claire
(2) Hurley vs (3) Charlie
Sawer's victory doesn't take much thought, but how can one choose between the most lovable of the Losties and the guy who sacrificed himself to save them? In the end, I have to go with the dude.
ANN ARBOR REGIONAL
(1) Kate vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(2) Sayid vs (6) Miles
We all like Miles but an audience surrogate has no chance agaist an Iraqi torturer. And Kate is Kate.
Now we do it all over again:
ISLAND REGIONAL
(4) Faraday vs (2) Juliet
Both have major sympathy points for dying before their time and being involved in doomed romances, but Faraday wins by a nose. People just darn like the guy. If it's any consolation, Juliet, you're the strongest female character on the show.
LOS ANGELES REGIONAL
(1) Locke vs (2) Ben
Ben bested Locke once before but history won't repeat itself, especially now that Locke has been smoke-ified.
SYDNEY REGIONAL
(1) Sawyer vs (2) Hurley
Both can spin a mean catchphrase but Sawyer could pull a long con on us any day.
ANN ARBOR REGIONAL
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (2) Sayid
Smokey's finishing strong, whereas Sayid's best days were at the beginning of the series.
That's all for today. Join me later for the Final Four, which is now set in stone:
(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer
(1) Jack vs (4) Faraday
(2) Juliet vs (6) Lapidus
Jack may be the central character but he'll always be remembered for making faces, popping pills while yelling at Kate, and "Stranger in a Strange Land" whereas Faraday will always be remembered as Desmond's constant. Lapidus, meanwhile, can only go so far.
LOS ANGELES REGIONAL
(1) Locke vs (5) Richard Alpert
(2) Ben vs (3) Desmond
Sometimes seeding isn't fair; Locke, Ben, and Desmond could easily be 3/4 of the Final Four. As it stands, though, only one of them will make it. Locke over Alpert is a bit of a no-brainer but the other face-off is a dilemma. My heart says Desmond but my brain says Ben (and even my heart has a soft spot for everyone's favorite manipulator). Something feels right about picking Ben, though. He's too devious to go home this early.
SYDNEY REGIONAL
(1) Sawyer vs (4) Claire
(2) Hurley vs (3) Charlie
Sawer's victory doesn't take much thought, but how can one choose between the most lovable of the Losties and the guy who sacrificed himself to save them? In the end, I have to go with the dude.
ANN ARBOR REGIONAL
(1) Kate vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(2) Sayid vs (6) Miles
We all like Miles but an audience surrogate has no chance agaist an Iraqi torturer. And Kate is Kate.
Now we do it all over again:
ISLAND REGIONAL
(4) Faraday vs (2) Juliet
Both have major sympathy points for dying before their time and being involved in doomed romances, but Faraday wins by a nose. People just darn like the guy. If it's any consolation, Juliet, you're the strongest female character on the show.
LOS ANGELES REGIONAL
(1) Locke vs (2) Ben
Ben bested Locke once before but history won't repeat itself, especially now that Locke has been smoke-ified.
SYDNEY REGIONAL
(1) Sawyer vs (2) Hurley
Both can spin a mean catchphrase but Sawyer could pull a long con on us any day.
ANN ARBOR REGIONAL
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (2) Sayid
Smokey's finishing strong, whereas Sayid's best days were at the beginning of the series.
That's all for today. Join me later for the Final Four, which is now set in stone:
(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer
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