Binge Thinking

It's Groundhog Day. Again.

2012-02-01T23:22:00.003-06:00

Some films stick out in your memory for certain reasons. You don't just remember when you saw a certain movie but where you were, who you were with, what you did afterwards. You know a movie is special to you when you know the history behind the first time you watched it.

I don't know why I never saw Groundhog Day in the theaters. My mother hates with extreme prejudice parents who bring little kids to movies, so it shouldn't surprise me that I didn't see a movie in a theater until I was 8 or so. My mom wanted to see it, too, but for some reason, when it came out on video, I chose to rent Surf Ninjas instead.

So circa 1994, I'm on Spring Break in Florida, and I'm fairly sure we went to Universal Studios and Sea World that year. The special thing about Spring Break for me back then was that the hotels had cable, which I didn't have growing up, including HBO, which is like, super cable. And, as luck would have it, Groundhog Day was on the first night we were in Florida. So we watched it. I've loved it ever since.

I did a project about it for AP English my junior year of high school where I traced the Jungian principle of the anima and the animus through Bill Murray's character arc. My memory is a tad hazy but I'm pretty sure I got an A because, obviously.

The funny thing is, I've only owned it on DVD for maybe a year, and it's still in the shrinkwrap. I guess I've seen it so many times already I know it by heart, and I'm not in dire need of seeing it again. My family taped it off TBS once. We had to fast forward through the commercials while watching it. Funny how my parents are okay with that but would never torrent anything.

It was filmed in Woodstock, IL, instead of Punxsutawney. If I had a car I'd totally road trip there.

Upon further reflection, Groundhog Day might have even impacted me as a cinephile. The scenes were Bill Murray is trying to save the homeless man from dying are the first where I can remember being strongly moved by a film. I didn't really get hooked on movies until I saw 2001 a few years later, but Groundhog Day likely planted the seeds.

Now that I'm older, I recognize more things. Like Stephen Tobolowsky's performance. When he dies, ten bucks says the obituary headline lists him as "Groundhog Day actor." Or how only a few years ago, I understood what Bill Murray meant when he says a character "makes noises like a chipmunk when she gets *real* excited." Remember, I was young when it first came out.

For a long time, whenever somebody asked me what my favorite movie was, I'd always say Star Wars because I loved the original trilogy when I was growing up. It didn't hit me until college that, purely in terms of the movie on its own merits, it was Groundhog Day. Recently, there have been some pretty good contenders - Wall-E, anyone? But I have to go with my childhood favorite. Don't worry, Groundhog Day. I got you, babe.

Top Chef: Texas week 8 power rankings

2012-01-11T22:22:00.002-06:00

It's hardly surprising that reality tv editing can fudge facts sometimes, but Top Chef really pulled a switcheroo on everyone tonight. Ads for this season's Restaurant Wars episode focused on the ladies' team butchering service and being catty towards each other, and the episode itself hardly shied away from the internal conflicts. The men's team had a much more successful service (though not perfect, this is Restaurant Wars after all) and the agreement seemed seemed to be that it went well enough and the dishes just needed to be worked on a little more. At Judge's Table, however, the women took home the win for their superior food while Tom seemed ready to send all of the guys home. I don't mind selective editing, but this felt like I was being lied to.

1. Paul At the top by default. As uninspiring as his performance was, there's no reason anyone else is noticeably better.
2. Grayson Cooked some solid dishes without getting involved in drama.
3. Sarah The only reason she didn't torpedo the women's team was because Lindsay was just as bitchy as she was, and both were using Bev as a whipping girl.
4. Beverly Doesn't work well with others (see her earlier clash with Heather). Is this the beginning of a redemption arc or a momentary blip?
5. Lindsay Her cooking isn't attracting anyone's attention but as a Mean Girl... watch out!
6. Edward Meh.
7. Chris Double meh.

PYKAG'd: Ty-Lor. No chef of the night was demonstrably the worst, but he had it coming.

Top Chef: Texas week 7 power rankings

2012-01-08T11:54:00.004-06:00

You know how bad things are for the current crop of cheftestants? I had to construct this list from the bottom up.

1. Paul There's a noticeable drop-off in quality between Paul and the other seven chefs. But let's be honest, Paul isn't even as head-and-shoulders above the pack as Angelo was in Top Chef: DC.
2. Sarah Due to the current season's predilection for group/team challenges, there are only two remaining chefs with solo Elimination Challenge wins. Paul is one; Sarah is the other.
3. Grayson Ranks higher than Edward due to a Quickfire win. Otherwise they have identical records.
4. Edward See above.
5. Lindsay Has managed to avoid elimination since the first episode, but this week was the first where she was eligible for an Elimination Challenge win. Not sure what to expect out of her going forward.
6. Beverly Not terrible, just erratic, so it's possible she could become a dark horse condtender a la Carla in Top Chef: New York.
7. Ty-Lor Ty-Lor is certainly a capable chef. However, this week he had immunity, deliberately sought to make amends for his poor performance in the steak challenge (which I believe he would have been PYKAG'd for if he hadn't fallen on his sword sufficiently), and ended up cooking poorly anyway.
8. Chris J. Did you know that Chris works at Moto? Because he works at Moto. He cooks the Moto way. Moto.

PYKAG'd: Chris C. Farewell, Malibu.
Next week: Restaurant Wars, which seems to have lost its original luster in my mind. Judging from the previews, the cheftestants find ample ways to screw up service again despite Restaurant Wars being the one thing other than the finale that they all look forward to. You'd think by know they'd all know going into the competition that they have to know a couple dessert recipes, and how not to screw up Restaurant Wars. Speaking of favorite challenges: when do we get the mise en place relay Quickfire?

The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs week 3 power rankings

2011-11-13T21:03:00.003-06:00

I enjoy The Next Iron Chef but it's not without its shortcomings. I've already mentioned how episodes are largely drama-free, since all competitors are extremely talented and not looking to do much trash talking. But there's also the fact that the Secret Ingredient Showdown - the cook-off that takes place between the two chefs whose dishes were the judges' least favorites - is more entertaining than the Chairman's Challenge. There is more at stake, and with fewer competitors there is more focus and a stronger narrative. And Alton Brown's presence as host is almost superfluous. In Iron Chef America, his play-by-play is the glue that holds all the madness together. But here, he adds little value. He'd do better in a head judge role, like Tom Colicchio on Top Chef. The challenges are also growing monotonous. This is the second straight episode where the chefs haven't left Kitchen Stadium (or wherever), and they've only had to cook for the judges, never a cocktail party or wedding reception or other such typical Top Chef rigamarole.

Anyway, on with the power rankings:

OUT: Chuck Hughes. I admit, I fell for the editing, which set up Beau's tofu trilogy to fail from the second he announced he was preparing the tofu three ways.

1. Geoffrey Zakarian - Hasn't erred much so far, and besides, he has the look of a man who knows he's superior to you in every way.
2. Elizabeth Falkner
3. Alex Guarnaschelli
4. Beau MacMillan
5. Anne Burrell
6. Michael Chiarello
7. Marcus Samuelsson

There still aren't any obvious weak links, and there still aren't any runaway favorites. Nobody is pulling away as a sentimental favorite either, since nobody has developed a real personality yet. I don't know whether that's the fault of the editors or if Food Network is banking on the viewer being familiar with the contestants through their other shows. Which is fine if you watch Food Network on a regular basis, but I don't.

The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs week 2 power rankings

2011-11-06T21:10:00.003-06:00

Ah, the traditional "elevate a common cuisine" challenge, this time focusing on ballpark food. If you loved the tailgate-themed episodes of Top Chef: Chicago and Top Chef: Masters, and the baseball concession stand challenge from Top Chef: DC, then you'll love and/or tolerate this episode.

OUT: Robert Irvine. The judges aren't messing around, aren't they?

1. Beau MacMillan
2. Alex Guarnaschelli
3. Geoffrey Zakarian
4. Chuck Hughes
5. Elizabeth Falkner
6. Michael Chiarello
7. Anne Burrell
8. Marcus Samuelsson

Honestly, these rankings are leaning on the arbitrary. They may not even be worth doing. With so many high-caliber chefs, nobody is going to truly be bad. The degrees of separation are negligible - it wouldn't surprise me if Samuelsson won three straight challenges and MacMillan lost in the next episode. I'd imagine that a favorite will emerge in a few weeks but right now the playing field is completely even.

Premiere League: The Next Iron Chef, "Primal: Heat and Meat"

2011-11-06T19:31:00.004-06:00

If you've seen your fair share of reality cooking shows involving established chefs - namely, Top Chef: Masters or The Next Iron Chef - you already know that since the contestants are professionals with reputations to uphold, you're in for minimal amounts of drama. Nobody will be thrown under a bus. Cursing and antagonizing will be at a minimum. In fact, some of these chefs may actually be here to make friends.

This is a "Super Chefs" edition of Next Iron Chef, meaning that the contestants are of a higher profile than previous seasons, mostly because they are connected to established Food Network properties. I don't know whether Iron Chef is directly firing shots at Top Chef, but the appearances of Michael Chiarello (Masters contestant), Marcus Samuelsson (Masters winner), and Spike Mendelsohn (All-Stars contestant) are especially conspicuous.

The first episode contains a ballsy challenge in that the contestants have to cook outdoors on an open fire. This restriction has been the bane of Top Chef competitors in the past, but doesn't faze any of the potential Iron Chefs. Indeed, these chefs are cooking on a higher level and their dishes look appropriately delicious. Even the losers of the "Chairman's Challenge," Mendelsohn and Samuelsson, don't completely bomb it.

In a good twist to the reality-cooking formula made familiar by Top Chef, the "main" challenge is first, while the shorter challenge is reserved at the end for the chefs the judges thought performed poorest. The sudden-death, secret-ingredient format provides for good drama in the premiere and should continue to deliver throughout the season.

There isn't much else to say about the first episode. Reality show premieres are rarely interesting anyway. My biggest complaint is that the judges are pretty bland - where's Donatella Arpaia when you need her? It's nice to see chefs at the top of their games cook well; unfortunately (and Top Chef: Masters has had problems with this in the past), that doesn't always translate into compelling television.

Work of Art s2: week 4 power rankings

2011-11-03T20:43:00.003-05:00

OUT: Tewz, whose piece wasn't terrible but could've connected to the original work better.

1. Kymia - On a hot streak.
2. Michelle - Has cooled since early success but had a solid piece this week. Took Simon's advice to heart.
3. Dusty - Last week's piece, which the judges didn't like, has grown on me.
4. Young Sun - Last week's piece, which won, has not grown on me.
5. Sara - Spelling "divorce" with an S was her most egregious decision. She can do better than to pander.
6. Sarah - Truly middle of the pack; the only artist who hasn't been up for a crit yet.
7. Lola - Fairly uninspired this week.
8. Bayete - Liked his re-drawing of the original piece but the accompanying video wasn't necessary.
9. The Sucklord - He's not that bad but nobody else has been up for elimination twice.

Premiere League: Top Chef, "Everything's Bigger in Texas"

2011-11-03T19:22:00.003-05:00

I skipped out on Top Chef franchise overkill this year. Other than the odd episode here and there of Masters and Just Desserts (which to be fair, was much improved on the terrible first season), I haven't watched regularly since the all-star season. As Top Chef seasons go, it was excellent, but it was an anomaly given that all the contestants - even Mike Isabella! - were the real deal. It was all wheat and no chaff, as opposed to most seasons where the first five episodes (minimum) are devoted to eliminating the schmos. Compare All-Stars to the especially woeful DC season, with only two or three half-decent chefs and a total non-entity as champion and you'll see why I'm nervous about this season.

Even the producers knew they had to shake things up, so this season starts with a staggering 29 chefs, who are whittled down to 16 in a process reminiscent of the audition episodes of MasterChef. I'm not particularly a fan of the new gimmick - too many cooks spoil the broth, ho ho ho. And some chefs aren't even eliminated outright but rather live to cook another day for a final chance at a spot in the final (initial?) 16. But it does lead to satisfying moments like the world's smuggest babyfaced jerkwad being PYKAG'd by Tom before he even plates a dish. The rest of the preliminary eliminations, "preliminations" if you will, are more in line with your usual episode, but it's nice to see some spontaneity in a now-familiar format.

There's not much else to say about the episode, since it's largely a bunch of chefs we don't know and barely care about presenting one after another. New guest judge Emeril Lagasse adds some schlubby authority to the proceedings, whereas other new judge Hugh Acheson won't appear until the second episode. Given how sparingly Eric Ripert and Anthony Bourdain were used in previous seasons, though, they likely won't make much of an impression overall.

Of course, I'm pleased that Chicago is doing well; five chefs from the Windy City presented dishes this episode and all five advanced. Suck it, East/West Coast!

No power rankings yet, of course, and I'm hard pressed to even come up with an early favorite. It's good to see Top Chef back, but will the good vibes last once the new gimmickry is over?

Work of Art s2: week 3 power rankings

2011-10-26T21:01:00.003-05:00

OUT: Leon and Jazz-Minh. Of the four contestants up for elimination, they were the two who deserved to go, although Jazz-Minh was pretty cute. Quit voting off the hot chicks!

Rankings are still a bit all over the place week-to-week. There aren't any clear favorites yet.

1. Young Sun - Not my favorite piece of the night but the judges gave him the win and he's performed well so far.
2. Kymia - Again, not my favorite, but the judges like her piece and she hasn't done badly yet.
3. Sara - I liked her piece more than the two favorites'.
4. Tewz - Ditto.
5. Michelle - This week she proves that she's mortal. Can't decide whether her work was too derivative or appropriately Warholian for the 2010s.
6. Dusty - The judges had valid critiques but Dusty deserved much better than being up for elimination.
7. The Sucklord - Not a bad piece, but unfortunately dated by the episode's air date.
8. Sarah - Would have preferred to see it in person to gauge its impact.
9. Lola - The subject had tons of potential but it didn't inspire me.
10. Bayete - Decent idea, horrid execution. The judges were right that he was lucky to have immunity.

Work of Art s2 Power Rankings: Week Two

2011-10-19T21:20:00.002-05:00

OUT: Kathryn, duh, because she's a one trick pony even if she's art-school hipster hot and I hate myself for being attracted to her.

1. Michelle - The judges have taken to her so far, even if I haven't. I liked this piece better than last week's, though.
2. Leon - I totally looked up how to curse in ASL.
3. Sara - Creepy, in a good way.
4. The Sucklord - Seems like it was a lot of fun.
5. Jazz-Minh - Wish I could've seen it in person to get a good look at it.
6. Sarah - Another I wish I could have seen in person.
7. Dusty - A little too convincing as a creep, don't you think?
8. Young Sun - Very pedestrian considering how much I liked his piece last week.
9. Kymia - I liked the idea but the execution wasn't quite there.
10. Lola - See above, only even more lacking in execution.
11. Bayete - Seriously, he won for this? Maybe you had to watch it for a while.
12. Tewz - Totally uninspired.

Work of Art s2 Power Rankings: Week One

2011-10-12T21:26:00.004-05:00

As opposed to Top Chef power rankings, my views may not parrot the judges' since I can appraise the art for myself.

OUT: Ugo, even though I didn't think his piece was that bad.

1. Young Sun - So help me, I liked his performance piece.
2. Jazz-Minh - Even though I hate her name.
3. Michelle - Not my favorite but I'll give her points because she won.
4. Lola - Not my favorite but I'll give her points because the judges liked it.
5. Tewz - Initial vision sounded cooler than the end product.
6. Leon - No thoughts either way.
7. Kymia - Ditto.
8. Dusty - His piece was less than the sum of its parts.
9. Sarah - Meh.
10. Sara - The judges liked it. I didn't.
11. The Sucklord - Not a good piece but at least he realizes how to improve.
12. Bayete - The dollar bills were overkill and ruined what could've been a passable piece. I would have voted him out.
13. Kathryn - She's got that hot art girl look that slays me but I didn't care for her piece and between that and her self-portrait, seems one-note.

Premiere League: Work of Art, "Kitsch Me If You Can"

2011-10-12T21:08:00.003-05:00

God, that's a terribly punny episode title.

Work of Art isn't a huge Bravo hit on the level of a Real Housewives series or Top Chef, but I enjoy it. In a sense, it's a tough show to talk about. On Top Chef, you can't personally taste a dish to appraise it but can trust that if the judges didn't like it, it was rubbish. On Work of Art, however, you can definitively say if you liked or hated what the contestants made, even if art is so subjective that evaluating artistic talent in a reality show competition format is laughable.

The first episode of a reality show is never good. There are too many characters, too much exposition, and no narratives. That said, it's good to see the show back. Simon is as lovable as ever, the contestants are as interesting as they are talented, and Jerry had some killer lines and reaction shots. One of the show's weaknesses in its first season was that it's judges and hosts were non-entities. Jerry showing some life gives the panel some sorely-needed credibility.

I would have given Bayeté the boot - his piece really was overkill, with the money serving absolutely no purpose other than to bludgeon the viewer. Ugo's piece didn't work, but I felt he had more to offer. Then again, with him gone we won't hear Keith Haring's name dropped again (SAY HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF THIS GUY AND HOW MUCH UGO'S ART RESEMBLES HIS? NO WAY). As for The Sucklord... the show is obviously marking him as the breakout star and/or villain, and even he knows it. He does have some charm but the routine could get really old really fast.

As for the winner, Michelle, good for her. Not much else to say other than I liked it. I was surprised I liked Young Sun's piece as much as I did, given that it was - shudder - performance art. But it was cheeky and not too pretentious. Big fan of Jazz-Minh's piece, too, if not her name (worse than The Sucklord). Kathryn, though, could be a one-trick pony. Enough with the guts already.

Power rankings to follow in a separate post, incidentally.

Premiere League: Person of Interest, "Pilot"

2011-09-25T22:51:00.002-05:00

It's been a few years since I've watched something on CBS that wasn't sports, an awards show, or Letterman. 2007, to be exact, when I watched Jericho because I thought that surely all those fans sending nuts to the network execs in order to save the show couldn't possibly be wrong (they were). However, Person of Interest stars Michael Emerson, whose Ben Linus was one of the best things about Lost for several seasons. His presence merits at least 44-minutes-plus-commercials of my time, if only for one night.

It's probably going to stay at one night. While Person of Interest has some sci-fi intrigue and decent action scenes, it's a police procedural at heart, and that's a genre I've never taken to. Even then, the particulars of the show don't work for me. It tries to create vague uneasiness about the surveillance state while claiming that eavesdropping is okay when done by the right people - for instance, the heroes hack into somebody's phone without qualms. Jim Caviezel, the show's lead actor, is portrayed as a badass but also a white hat good guy, which means he shoots a lot of people in the leg. By the eighth person, it becomes comical (the fate of one antagonist is left ambiguous, probably because the show is chickening out). It's also ludicrous how Caviezel's character goes from suicidal bum to Bruce Wayne/Batman hybrid in the span of a few hours, and one of the episode's plot twists is telegraphed a mile away because otherwise the story would be too straightforward.

Person of Interest isn't without merit; the action scenes are good, Caviezel is a convincing asskicker, and Emerson can play the role of the mysterious man pulling all the strings in his sleep. But as long as the stories lag behind the production and acting, I have no time for this show.

Let's talk about Hobo with a Shotgun & Escape from New York

2011-08-14T15:20:00.004-05:00

Hobo with a Shotgun is a movie about a hobo with a shotgun. If you are still unconvinced about whether or not this movie is the kind you'll like, it isn't.

Director Jason Eisener has the faux-grindhouse look down a little better than Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez did in their Planet Terror/Death Proof double feature. It's more akin to House of the Devil, probably because of both films' low-budget aesthetic. It's easy to replicate the look and feel of a cheapie when your budget is only $3 million (I know it sounds ridiculous to call $3 million low-budget, but it's low). The synth-heavy score and ending credits power ballad are dead-on accurate, too.

There's a lot of cursing, a lot of titillating violence, and a lot of gore. Surprisingly, there is little nudity. The actors eschew actual acting for scenery chewing. Nobody is watching Hobo with a Shotgun for character development and I'm fine with that.

Of course, this means that the film lives and dies by its outrageousness. Eisener and screenwriter John Davies swing for the fences in every scene and they strike out as often as they hit home runs. But you can at least see the effort when they strike out; Hobo with a Shotgun does nothing half-heartedly, which sustains it through its leaner moments.

If anything in Hobo with a Shotgun can qualify for artistic merit, it's the cinematography, deliberately lush with garish reds, blues, and yellows. It's as over-the-top as the dialogue.

After taking in Hobo with a Shotgun's exploitative delights, and reading about the rioting in London, the next logical step was to watch John Carpenter's 1981 cult classic Escape from New York. It's the third Carpenter film I've seen, and the second starring Kurt Russell. Sadly, I have yet to be totally impressed with the director's work.

In its time, I'm sure Escape from New York's post-apocalyptic setting, antihero, and don't-trust-the-government spirit were all fairly revelatory. But now the movie has turned 30. When watching Escape from New York I got the feeling that I'd seen this all before, when really I've seen it all since.

Even then, there's little to recommend. All the characters are flat, even Russell's stoic, supposedly iconic Snake Plissken (give me Jack Burton any day), and the action scenes aren't thrilling. The final twist is too telegraphed to be effective. To his credit, Carpenter does a good job of capturing the feel of New York City gone to pot, and the use of light and shadow is especially effective. Escape from New York must be a product of its era, because aside from a really cool poster, I just don't see the appeal.

Let's talk about X-Men: First Class

2011-08-07T19:10:00.001-05:00

X-Men: First Class is a first-class movie!

LOLOLOLOL. Now that we got that out of the way, here's some assorted thoughts on the film.

- First Class skims a fine line between prequel and reboot (a term that is frequently sloppily applied). Comic book continuity is notoriously hinky, and even the first four movies in the X-Men series didn't have ironclad continuity. Nonetheless, the series needed a fresh start. X3 was mediocre; X-Men Origins: Wolverine didn't even reach those heights. Origin stories are a reliable framework, and in First Class' case you get to cast dashing James McAvoy instead of (awesome but) ancient Ian McKellen. Besides, the dynamic between Professor X and Magneto has always been the intellectual backbone of the story, something the film franchise had moved away from.

- More supervillains need to do their dirty deeds in suits. Kevin Bacon's henchmen look pretty badass in their finely-tailored duds. Mr. Bacon himself, meanwhile, looks like a total dick in his 60's gear. I'm pretty sure he was wearing an ascot in one scene. Ascot = hate. No more spandex for anyone, please.

- Thor already had the title character eschew luscious Kat Dennings for stick figure Natalie Portman. Now compare Rose Byrne's skinny figure in a miniskirt to fuller-figured (which is to say, normal-figured) Jennifer Lawrence in a miniskirt. I'll say it again: friends don't let superheroes fall for skinny chicks.

- He'll never eclipse Jon Hamm as Man Crush #1, but Michael Fassbender has a rather square jaw, and piercing eyes, and he smolders, and he kills Nazis with such ease... sorry, where was I?

- January Jones is as lackluster as advertised. I'm not bothered by her interpretation of the character - her name is Emma Frost, so why not play her as an ice queen - but her iciness is flat instead of intimidating. The character is supposedly tempestuous in the comics, anyway, so maybe Jones really bungled this one more than I realized. On a side note, I wonder if I'm the only one who watched her seduction of the Soviet military head and couldn't help think of Nikolai Jackov, head of the KGB.

- But the misguided casting of Jones can't hold a candle to Glenn Morshower's role as a corrupt Colonel. You can't cast Aaron from 24 as a sellout! That's just wrong, man! A cameo by James Remar and a bit part for Michael Ironside, on the other hand: awesome.

- I didn't notice this until Adam and Matty pointed it out, but First Class' fight scenes are actually comprehensible. There's no Jason Bourne/Dark Knight shaky-cam, quick-cut fighting.

- Director Matthew Vaughn helmed the postmodern super-anti-hero film Kick Ass, which I didn't particularly care for. He plays First Class straight, with superior results.

- I caught a matinee showing of First Class; that night, I watched the Tony Awards. Hugh Jackman appeared in both, reminding me of this SNL sketch. It'll never be a classic but I have a soft spot for it, and I'll probably be shouting "TWO SIDES!" to myself for years to come.

- Henry Jackman's score during the end credits deserves a shoutout. It's not an iconic theme but it's tonally perfect.

Let's Talk About Captain America

2011-08-07T17:55:00.004-05:00

As I walked through the theater lobby after watching Captain America, I saw a poster for the latest Spy Kids movie, starring Joel McHale. After a few seconds of thought, I developed my new rubric for evaluating action movies: if the film is at least as entertaining as one of Community's paintball episodes, it has succeeded.

Captain America is never boring, the special effects are good, it isn't stupid, and the cast has no weak links. Yet, it's never truly entertaining. It's a perfectly average film. If I ever need to explain the concept of "less than the sum of its parts," I'll point to Captain America.

As several critics have noted, Captain America is not a flashy superhero. Chris Evans plays him perfectly earnestly because that's the essence of the character. I understand that. He's still boring. Nothing against Evans, that's just how the character is written. Perhaps in the upcoming Avengers movie, where he's a man out of his era, he'll have more material to work with.

The rest of the cast can be characterized the same way. Hugo Weaving plays the villainous Red Skull, leader of too-twisted-even-for-the-Nazis group HYDRA. Weaving is a pro, he knows how to play an antagonist, and he does a fine job but he's totally unmemorable. Hayley Atwell is the love interest, the role isn't an insult to women, and she turns in an equally fine but sparkless performance. Only Tommy Lee Jones, cast perfectly to type as a crusty Colonel, stands out. Stanley Tucci also brings some much-needed character to the film but his role is merely a minor one.

Captain America is also curiously devoid of action scenes. There's a fun jailbreak, and the climatic invasion of a HYDRA stronghold isn't bad. Mostly there's a lot of talking about whether Captain America is ready to be a hero or not. I said previously that Captain America isn't boring, which is true, but it's rarely thrilling.

Director Joe Johnston has helmed a WWII-era superhero film before, 1991's The Rocketeer. The Rocketeer isn't a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagination but it's an interesting failure. Captain America is a pedestrian success.

Thor was Shakesperian, X-Men: First Class was heady, Iron Man was cheeky. Captain America is... competent. That's not good enough anymore.

Let's Talk About Misfits: "Episode Five"

2011-07-11T21:53:00.002-05:00

"No matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay." - Curtis

Yes, Curtis stole the line from Spider-Man but it works in ending his relationship with Sam, and it turns out to be somewhat true in the end. Simon doesn't love Sally, but he cares about her in his own creepy way, and yet because of his powers he unwittingly takes part in her demise.

(Uh, spoilers.)

(Also, yes, I've been watching Misfits on Hulu this summer but I haven't been discussing each episode.)

That segues into the big question the episode presents: is Simon a villain?

If any of the main group of Misfits was pegged to fit the archetype of "supervillain" it's Simon, although the show has avoided common tropes thus far in making any of its protagonists actual superheroes. He's a loner, he's the most genuinely antisocial of the group, Nathan picks on him all the time, and he just plain acts weird (I'd love to see him in a British television stare-off with Ruth Wilson from Luther). Like the rest of the misfits, he's covered up two deaths, so he's already on the fast-track to villainy.

But hold on a second. He's also a disturbed kid who could use a little therapy and a few good friends. He's been manipulated by Sally the entire time. And he didn't really mean to kill her, right? Right? Let's not even get into Sally, whose personal quest for justice crossed a whole ton of boundaries.

It's this kind of moral relativism that sets Misfits apart from, say, Spider-Man. I'm sure that the majority of the fans would like to see the series subvert the typical origin story in that the protagonists are all juvies (not an exact equivalent but close enough). Instead, it subverts the genre by not having anyone do anything remotely heroic. Curtis tries in the fourth episode, but by trying to fix his mistakes he ends up juggling girlfriends as an unforeseen consequence. Nathan isn't Peter Parker (thank God) and Simon isn't the Green Goblin. They're all just messed-up people who got thrown into an even more messed-up situation and they're having a hard time coping.

The first season is only six episodes long, so perhaps in the finale the show takes a sharp left turn and tries to become Heroes although it's extremely unlikely. There's only one cliffhanger; the other storylines are fairly stable at the moment, save for the inevitable part where Nathan and Kelly hook up, but that's hardly a game changer. Misfits inhabits some nebulous grey area between dramedy and genre show, and arguably if not for Nathan it would be a straight drama. I'm not sure what Misfits' game is but I want to know where it's heading.

The unexpected nerd cred of De Palma's The Black Dahlia

2011-05-15T18:22:00.004-05:00

I recently finished James Ellroy's The Black Dahlia. Since I'm a glutton for punishment and it was on Netflix Watch Instantly, I checked out the reviled 2006 Brian DePalma film adaptation.

About the film's content, there's little new to say. The novel was already incomprehensibly plotted in the second half, and while some plot lines were mercifully condensed, the finished version of the film is an hour shorter than the initial edit. Virtually everyone but Aaron Eckhart and Mia Kirshner was miscast (and even Kirshner was nearly ten years too old to play the title character). Because it's a De Palma picture it looks fantastic, but it's still a fairly lousy movie. Granted, it's hard to objectively consider a film when you've just finished reading the source material.

But what's really amusing about The Black Dahlia is its unexpected geek connections. Consider:

- One of the major plot points in the novel and the film is a painting of Gwynplaine, the main character in Victor Hugo's novel The Man Who Laughs. You probably haven't read the book or seen the 1928 film adaptation, but you know what Gwynplaine looks like: he's the visual inspiration for The Joker. Coincidentally, two years after The Black Dahlia's release, Aaron Eckhart would appear as Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, alongside Heath Ledger as The Joker.

- Screenwriter Josh Friedman created the (underrated) Fox series Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles, and helped meme-ify Snakes on a Plane.

- Fiona Shaw, who played Ramona Linscott, is better known as Petunia Dursley in the Harry Potter films.

- Patrick Fischler, who played Ellis Leow, was a member of the Dharma Initiative on Lost. You know, the guy who wasn't Horace Goodspeed or Radzinsky.

While not explicitly geeky, it's also worth noting that veteran character actor Mike Starr (you probably know him from Dumb and Dumber or the NBC show Ed) has a supporting role, and the Dahlia herself, Mia Kirshner, was Naked Mandy in 24. But it's funny that you can find nerdiness even in a place like crime noir.

Let's talk about Thor.

2011-05-08T21:01:00.005-05:00

I know zip about Thor. He's not one of the more popular Marvel characters, and Norse gods don't get the pub that Greek or Roman gods do. The lack of name-brand recognition is a bit of a liability for a tentpole release in the current studio system, but it's also a benefit. With each new Batman franchise, whether on film or television, the audience brings a new set of preconceived notions into the viewing. Thor, in Kenneth Branagh's new film, is a blank slate: who is this guy?

Well, he's an alien. A superpowered being from a faraway planet, which totally explains why in Thor everyone has a British accent and Idris Elba is a deity from the Norse pantheon (I guess Marcus Samuelsson wasn't answering his phone when the casting director called). Heimdall isn't a black Norseman, he's a black alien who happened to be worshiped by Norsemen! Makes sense, right? But seriously, between this and How to Train Your Dragon, where the Vikings are voiced by Scots and Americans, Scandinavians are getting the shaft. And now the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is an American? Low blow.

As played by Chris Hemsworth, Thor is more than just the Norse god of P90X, he's a good-natured hunk, commanding and noble in Asgard and charmingly out of his element on Earth. He may not know the etiquette of eating breakfast at the corner diner, but he'll kiss ladies on the hand. After suffering through movies with moribund Sam Worthingtons, it's nice to see a jock with charisma. The romance between Thor and Natalie Portman's astrophysicist is barely developed, of course, but nobody watches these movies for the love stories. Side note: why pursue Portman when Kat Dennings is right there? It's like passing up Joan Holloway for Betty Draper. Friends don't let Norse gods pick up skinny chicks.

Thor is chilling in New Mexico because his father Odin, king of Asgard, banished him for his impetuousness. Anthony Hopkins is suitably regal as Odin, and Asgard looks fantastic. The design of the otherworldly kingdom is composed with a stunning visual palette, and is doubly impressive when compared to the look of Green Lantern, which makes me flinch whenever I see an ad for it.

In terms of plot, Thor is a combination of a two familiar stories, the comic book hero origin story, and a tale of a brash warrior's redemption. It's nothing new, but it's told well (credit Branagh on this one). When Thor is finally worthy enough to wield his hammer and kick ass again, you'll think "hell yeah."

Rounding out the cast are Stellan Skarsgard as an avuncular scientist, Tom Hiddleston as the shifty god Loki, and Ray Stevenson as a husky Asgardian warrior. They perform admirably. My only real complaint is that Idris Elba isn't allowed to be more awesome.

Thor won't go in the Marvel film pantheon alongside Iron Man or X2 but it's a solid, good-looking, fun time at the movies. It may in practice be no more than an extended prequel to the upcoming Avengers movie (the Jeremy Renner cameo is useless and the post-credits stinger falls flat), but it stands on its own.

How good is this?

2011-04-10T11:04:00.003-05:00

In which I talk about some things I've really liked lately.

1. The Hunger Games
How good is this book? Suzanne Collins' dystopian YA novel is conceptually nothing more than The Running Man meets Battle Royale (a movie where the concept far outshines the execution, incidentally). What it lacks in originally it makes up for in worldbuilding, characterization, and pacing. Collins zips through the story with breakneck speed; sometimes the novel seems to go by too fast, but by the time the Hunger Games start I was too busy reading to see what happens next to care. The first-person perspective prevents all characters but protagonist Katniss from getting the fleshing-out they deserve, but even then there are a few character deaths that I felt remorse over. And while the plot by necessity requires Katniss to be occasionally submissive and passive, she's thankfully no Bella Swan (in my dreams, Katniss treats Bella like a pincushion). Even a forced love interest, which caused me to initially roll my eyes, eventually makes sense within the narrative. Collins' prose is appropriately spartan for the audience and the tone, all the better to make me want to mainline the other two books in the series.

And since the film adaptation is currently being casted, let me play armchair director for a second. I get why Jennifer Lawrence was chosen to be Katniss after her role in Winter's Bone, but there's no reason Hailee Steinfeld shouldn't have been cast (okay, there is, but not from an artistic standpoint). Ironically, Lawrence would make a great Glimmer. Several fans have claimed that Amy Poehler would make a great Effie Trinket and I have to agree. As for Haymitch, there's a whole laundry list of old tough bastard character actors to choose from: Ray Winstone, Ray Stevenson, Ron Perlman, etc. For some reason, I'm picturing Matthew Morrison as Cinna. And there has to be room for Chloe Moretz somewhere, for God's sakes - Foxface, perhaps?

(On even more of a tangent, my all-time unrequited bit of fantasy casting was Ludivine Sagnier as Fleur Delacour for the Harry Potter series, but did Hollywood listen? Nooooooo.)

2. Sons of Anarchy: "Balm"
How good was this episode? I've been burning through the second season of Sons now that it's newly on Netflix Instant Viewing, and it hasn't disappointed. But "Balm" takes the series to a whole new level. The scene at the end with Jax, Clay, Tara, and Gemma made me a little misty eyed - something The Wire never even accomplished. In fact, the entire ending montage is powerful, which is saying something for a series that specializes in ending montages. The moment with Tig flipped out on shrooms and crying his eyes out is hilarious until you realize why he's crying, and then it crashes into poignancy. Brilliant.

3. SyFy's decision to re-air Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
How good is this decision? I'll go to the mat for T:SCC; it was one of the most underrated shows of the past few years. I doubt I'll be re-watching most of it, since it is airing during the highly competitive Thursday night slot, but hopefully sci-fi geeks who missed it the first time will find it.

4. The current season of Archer
How good has this season been? "Placebo Effect" was one of the funniest episodes of any show this year, and "El Secuestro" had me oddly attracted to Pam (more importantly, it was an outstanding showcase for voice actress Amber Nash). Giving Krieger and Gillette more to do this season has also paid extraordinary dividends. And all of this praise takes for granted H Jon Benjamin's work as Sterling Archer, the funniest douchebag on television.

Top Chef All-Stars final power rankings

2011-04-06T17:32:00.003-05:00

How do all 18 cheftestants compare now that the season is over?

1. Richard
Win the competition, get crowned #1. It's not rocket science. And besides, Blais deserves it.

2. Antonia
Was screwed out of a Quickfire win on a technicality and could've picked up another Elimination Challenge win if her teammates hadn't been terrible. Otherwise she measures up equally to the season's runner-up...

3. Mike
Too bad nobody likes Mike (albeit for good reason) because he could've been named Top Chef. He's certainly improved since his season - I had him pegged as one of the first to go. Sure, he never sparkled, and only started winning Elimination Challenges once stronger chefs had been kicked out, but he made it to the final episode. That's an achievement.

4. Dale T.
Amassed a lot of wins, and showed maturity since being his season's resident hot-head.

5. Carla
Still maddeningly flighty.

6. Angelo
Peaked too early by winning the first two Elimination Challenges but none after that.

7. Tiffany
Like Mike, she had the luck of outlasting more talented cheftestants. Unlike Mike, she didn't have the chops to back it up. She didn't win a single Elimination Challenge. Even Marcel had an Elimination Challenge win.

8. Fabio
Fabio ran red hot or ice cold, placing in either the top or the bottom of every Elimination Challenge.

9. Tre
Solid middle-of-the-pack contestant.

10. Marcel
Got an Elimination Challenge win, but shared it with teammates Richard and Angelo. One of these chefs is not like the other.

11. Spike
Managed to not be a total asshat, which was accomplishment enough, and somehow proved to be Richard's ideal sous chef. Who knew?

12. Tiffani

13. Casey

14. Dale L.

15. Stephen

16. Jamie

17. Jennifer

18. Elia
The bottom three are two who clearly didn't want to be there, and one who self-destructed. I had Jennifer as #5 in my preseason rankings, but even then I knew that she didn't perform well under pressure.

Disconnected thoughts on The Killing: "Pilot" and "The Cage"

2011-04-03T22:07:00.003-05:00

- Maybe crime dramas set in the Pacific Northwest aren't for me. The pilot to Twin Peaks didn't rope me in, and the first two episodes of The Killing I stuck with based on critical opinion and the fact that AMC does no wrong. (I bailed on Rubicon after the first episode and it apparently got better so what do I know)

- Rain should get first billing in the cast.

- I seem to be the only one who doesn't like Mireille Enos as the lead. She looks like she's 25 and should be working on her MFA in poetry, not a homicide detective. Joel Kinnaman as her shifty partner, though? Brilliant. If I keep watching the series, it will be because of him. Case in point: the scene with the two soccer players.

- I immediately recognized Jasper's house as Daniel Greystone's from Caprica (both series were shot in Vancouver). And yet I don't remember half of what I learned in college.

- Better know a character actor: Eric Laden, who plays the douchey assistant to Darren Richmond (Billy Campbell), also plays Betty Draper's douchey brother on Mad Men.

- Seriously, enough with the goddamn rain already.

Wire Madness

2011-03-20T22:19:00.007-05:00

Pitting television characters against each other isn't a new idea. But there's no reason we can't have fun with it.

Wire Madness. 64 characters from the HBO series The Wire, competing in an NCAA-tournament style battle. I'm sure there will be some controversy but it's my bracket, so it's my rules.

The bracket is a fairly big picture, so here's a sample:

The full image is available below (click to enlarge).

I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for Omar's loss, but I always thought he was a tad overrated - I preferred the cool demeanor of Daniels and Freamon to Omar's swag. String's great too but Daniels' moral backbone makes him one of the few incorruptible characters in the show, and I have to reward that.

The 2011 Oscars Power Rankings

2011-03-15T22:41:00.002-05:00

So I did it. It took me from last summer until tonight, but I watched all ten films from 2010 that were nominated for Best Picture. I didn't intend to explicitly, I just wanted to see all of them. Most years there's at least one that I have no desire to watch - for instance, The Blind Side last year. Naturally, I've seen all of these roughly over the course of a year, so direct comparisons are difficult. I'll just do things based on tiers.

The Social Network
Inception

The Kids Are All Right
Black Swan

True Grit
The Fighter
Toy Story 3

The King's Speech
127 Hours
Winter's Bone

Bear in mind that none of these movies were bad, or even mediocre. The bottom three had some great performances, case in point, Colin Firth in The King's Speech.

Order really only matters with the first two; I genuinely believe that The Social Network was the best picture of the bunch, and possibly the best movie I saw in 2010, but I'll be damned if Inception wasn't really, really fun. The next two movies were a step down in quality but still very good albeit for completely different reasons (TKAR's cast, Black Swan's aesthetics). I think this list also makes it pretty clear where I stand on The King's Speech winning Best Picture... but that's a different topic entirely.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 13 power rankings

2011-03-09T22:02:00.003-06:00

A lot of people crapped on last week's Top Chef for keeping all five cheftestants to go into the finale, but I fell for the sentimental approach hook, line, and sinker. Every competitor brought his or her A-game, everyone's family was present, and we even found out that Mike and Antonia are distant relatives. What's not to love? I can forgive a cop-out on the judges' part (and quite possibly the producers' part) in not eliminating anyone.

Too bad this episode was a total suckfest. Having the remaining chefs cook against the winners of their respective seasons should've been highly entertaining, but it turned out to be a worthless gimmick. At least we know that Hosea is still a dick, only this time he's a dick with a horrible beard. Even worse, nothing in the Elimination Challenge stood out. You know it's a sorry slate when Mike cooks the best dish.

Poor Carla. She had faltered a bit in the preceding weeks, but unlike other contestants in this episode she kept her spirits high and cooked food she believed in. So long, hootie.

1. Richard
Despite second-guessing himself at every turn, Richard is still making good food. The specter of his Top Chef: Chicago choke job has loomed over him all season long, and advancing to the finale has only made him more neurotic instead of more confident. He's also increasingly becoming more of a dick. It's a real shame.

2. Mike
It only took thirteen episodes, but Mike finally won his first Elimination Challenge of the season. It helps to finish strong, I guess, but we're talking about Mike. This is the first Elimination Challenge he's won on Top Chef, period. And beating Michael Voltaggio in the Quickfire - what was that all about? I am not afraid to give credit where credit is due, and Mike has shown definite improvement since Top Chef: Las Vegas. But he should be thanking his lucky stars that Dale and Angelo aren't his competition anymore.

3. Antonia
Antonia is clearly superior to Mike as a chef, but she clearly could've been sent home for tonight's dish. Cooking in the final episodes is a skill in and of itself - that's how we got Top Chefs Kevin and Hosea, and almost got Top Chef Lisa in the fourth season. In the finale, you either have it or you don't, and right now Antonia looks like she doesn't have it.

4. Tiffany
In five of the last seven weeks, Tiffany has placed in the bottom group at Judge's Table. She hasn't won an Elimination Challenge, and tonight was her first Quickfire win - a win she split with four other chefs. Enough already!

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena - "The Bitter End"

2011-03-01T21:23:00.003-06:00

Spartacus' lone big misstep for its final episode of the season was its title. I get it, it works on a certain level, but when I think of a finale and "bitter" I think of fan reaction to the final episode of Lost. Not good.

Otherwise, "The Bitter End" was surprisingly satisfying. After last week's episode I wondered what ground was left for the show to cover, since most of the storylines had come to a climax and three major characters had already died. Spartacus' solution: have everyone fight each other for most of the episode. Good call. Compared to Blood and Sand, Gods of the Arena was curiously light on gladiator battles. Fortunately, the entire third act takes place in Capua's new arena and provides us with the CGI-blood spurting action we know and love. We also get more epic crowd shots, which means those of us playing Spartacus Bingo can finally mark down "people having sex among the spectators." Like all of the series' big action set-pieces, it's a pulse-pounding, over-the-top, tremendously scored and edited spectacle and an excellent high note to end the prequel with. Gannicus' big kill was pretty disgusting too, and the one gladiator being immolated was satisfyingly predictable.

And how about Gannicus winning his freedom? Good for him. Even though it was a ploy by Solonius to undermine Batiatus, Gannicus certainly deserved it, and not only because of his prowess in the arena. He's one of the few decent characters in Spartacus, and although he did go behind Oenomaus' back by boning his wife, he tried to remove himself from the ludus so it wouldn't happen again. Early in the episode, Batiatus says something to the effect of that his House is built on the foundation of honor, which of course is a complete lie. The most honorable characters are usually the slaves, and Gannicus is one of the better ones. Spartacus usually doesn't allow a decent character to get the fate he or she deserves, so Gannicus' sendoff was refreshing.

On the douchier end of the ludus, Batiatus continues the slow process of digging his own grave. Tullius is dead and Vettius is run out of town, but Solonius has finally had enough of Batiatus' shit and completes a full-blown heel turn. We all knew it was coming, but it was deserved and actually pretty awesome. Nothing is better than seeing Batiatus helpless while backed into a corner. Unless it's Batiatus being blind with rage. Or Batiatus... okay, anything he does is amazing, but backstabbing and mind games are surefire ingredients for a good time.

The rest of the episode is filling in the blanks. Hey, that's how Ashur injured his leg! That's why Crixus cut his hair! Gee, Barca really was only ever around for the gay sex scenes! And so forth. Plus, Gannicus and Vettius have their exits so they can return for the true second season of Spartacus, and that's that.

That's that for Gods of the Arena, too. It was a prequel series, so it was by nature limited in what it could accomplish. Being half as long as Blood and Sand didn't help it either, since the newer characters didn't get a chance to have strong arcs. But there was blood, nudity, cursing, and backstabbing. It didn't reach the delirious highs of Blood and Sand, but it didn't have the low points either. Even an average episode of Spartacus is nothing like anything else on television. I can live with that. Gratitude.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 11 power rankings

2011-02-23T22:01:00.004-06:00

Top Chef clearly isn't afraid of letting good chefs go home if they cook a bum dish. First Angelo, now Dale. Either one of them could've won this competition. Honestly, after last week Dale looked like the odds-on favorite. And call me easily manipulated, but it's good to see Dale admit that he was a jerk in his first go-round as a cheftestant.

On a side note, anyone drooling due to the deep frying Quickfire should check out Wiener and Still Champion in Evanston, IL. It's a fried foods paradise.

1. Antonia
Poor Antonia keeps getting screwed over. She could've won an Elimination Challenge if her teammates hadn't flunked their dishes, and now she forgets to plate an additional portion for her Quickfire. Her resume should look much stronger. Otherwise she's cooking like a champ.

2. Richard
Richard and Fabio vacationing together? Comedy gold. Is this the season of bromances or what?

3. Mike
"Plagiarized" dish aside, Mike is cooking competently down the stretch. He's not hitting anything out of the park, but he's not letting the pressure get to him either, which is more than can be said of some of his competitors. Just making it this far is an accomplishment for him - I thought he'd be one of the first to go.

4. Carla
If Carla can stay focused and keep her head on straight, she makes the finale. Knowing Carla, of course, this is easier said than done.

5. Tiffany
Being saddled with Marcel as a sous chef is unfortunate. That said, she should've known to keep a tighter leash on him.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena - "Reckoning"

2011-02-20T20:55:00.002-06:00

Spartacus has never been afraid to shock and surprise the viewer by killing off major characters or by introducing stunning plot twists. "Reckoning," the next-to-last episode of the prequel series, does not disappoint. TItus? Dead. Melitta? Dead. Gannicus? On his way to Tullius' stable of gladiators. Crixus? The new big dog at the House of Batiatus.

So... where do we go from here?

Sure, there are a few loose ends to tie up. There's no way that Oenomaus doesn't find out about Melitta's mini-affair with Gannicus, or at least that she was visiting him at the time of her death. Tullius is still an asshole, and Lucretia is in the middle of framing him for the death of her father-in-law. Ashur isn't hobbling. But it's all small potatoes. With Titus out of the way, Batiatus can run the ludus the way he wants to. He doesn't have to leave Capua, and he can stay married to Lucretia. He's just lost Gannicus to his arch enemy, but given Crixus' rise, he probably won't lose much sleep over the deal. The penultimate episode of Blood and Sand built to a frenzied climax and carried major implications for the finale. When Spartacus said "There is but one path... we kill them all," it sure as hell made you want to tune in to the last episode. The foreplay was over and the climax was within tantalizing reach. "Reckoning," however, promises no such climax. Spartacus isn't a show based on strong character moments. A dramatic confrontation between Gannicus and Oenomaus regarding Melitta and the shattering of the friendship between Batiatus and Solonius aren't exactly the types of showdowns I'm looking forward to. Capua's new arena needs christening, so the finale probably won't be free of bone-shattering action, but it will be free of any personal investment.

While disappointing, "Reckoning" wasn't a total waste of an episode. John Hannah and Lucy Lawless are good actors playing good characters, and they're a genuine pleasure to watch. They're overly ambitious, untrustworthy, backstabbing serpents and thus perfect for each other. It's even oddly romantic that they're willing to destroy lives for each other. Aww. Nick Tarabay continues to be entertainingly callous as Ashur, and if Dagan busts his leg up before being sent to the mines, I'll be a happy camper. There's the rare Spartacus feat of thematic depth, as Lucretia learns for the first time - but certainly not the last - upon Melitta's accidental death that the best laid plans always go awry. It's even a little sad to see Lucretia's first reluctant dalliance with Crixus (seriously, Lucy Lawless is a good actress).

I don't ask for much with Spartacus. It doesn't take much skill to show some boobs and decapitations every episode. But solid plotting is hard to come by and Spartacus has excelled at it in ways other genre shows haven't. The series has one episode to redeem itself before a long hiatus. Let's hope it delivers.

Let's talk about June 17, 1994.

2011-02-19T16:01:00.003-06:00

I don't remember watching the O.J. Simpson chase on television, nor do I remember where I was at the time. Most Millennials probably don't. Childhood memories from that era tend to blend together. I was nine years old at the time, not even a month removed from the Third Grade. To me, O.J. Simpson was that doofus I saw in the Naked Gun movies, not a Heisman Trophy winner or Pro Football Hall of Famer. Put another way, Justin Bieber was only three months old.

The chase itself, though, is an instantly identifiable image. I'd be willing to bet that a Ford Bronco ranks only below a Delorean as pop culture's most identifiable real-life automobile. The chase is shorthand for an era, an entire murder investigation, a media circus.

What's remarkable, however, is just how much else happened in the sports world that day, and that confluence of events provides the story, as it were, for June 17, 1994, one of ESPN's lauded "30 for 30" series of documentaries. On one coast, Arnold Palmer played his last round at the U.S. Open. New York City held a victory parade for the Stanley Cup champion New York Rangers that morning; that night the Knicks would host the Houston Rockets at Madison Square Garden for Game 5 of the NBA Finals. Moving west, the World Cup opened in Chicago and Ken Griffey Jr hit his MLB-leading 30th home run of the season at Kansas City. Finally, in California, the day-long ordeal in which O.J. Simpson, accused of two murders, failed to turn himself into the police and led them on a low speed chase that ended at his house. Truly, it's remarkable just how much can happen in one day.

Each of these events was captured live for posterity, and that news footage forms the entirety of June 17, 1994. There are no interviews, no talking heads, and no narration, making the film a rarity. It's not a cinéma vérité documentary like Salesman, a concert film like Stop Making Sense, or an experimental movie like Koyaanisqatsi. To my knowledge, only The Atomic Cafe compares. I don't know how many hours of footage director Brett Morgan had to sift through (obvious preference for ESPN footage likely simplified the ordeal) but if anything else, the film is a masterpiece of editing.

The format provides the film's few weaknesses; needless flourishes such as static interference and showy intertitles are added to spice things up, and the score is occasionally obtrusive. June 17, 1994 is otherwise flawless.

Theatrical docs from last year such as Catfish and Exit Through the Gift Shop played with the viewer's trust in reality, asking the audience to question what is real. June 17, 1994 reminds the viewer of what was real and has since been distorted. At the time of the chase, O.J. was still widely seen as innocent. Crowds swarmed overpasses and even the freeway itself to support him (one of the best moments in the film is when a shot of a cheering crowd turns out not to be footage of the Rangers' victory parade, but footage from Los Angeles - or was it the other way around?). Perhaps some of them simply wanted a chance to get a part of the action. How many of them knew that O.J. was being talked out of a suicide attempt at the time? The car chase was not just a media spectacle later parodied with Kramer on Seinfeld, a man's life was actually at stake. It's enough to pity the man. There is a genuine sense of remorse for what he did - or despair at the confusion he got swept up in through no fault of his own. To hear O.J.'s voice in the Bronco is to marvel that somehow he would later write If I Did It.

But then again, there's a lot we can't predict. Ken Griffey Jr wouldn't be able to break any hypothetical home run records; the MLB season ended prematurely due to the players' strike. The Knicks wouldn't win the NBA Finals, nor any in the years since.

It's a funny thing to see a time capsule of a year that you actually lived through. Keith Olbermann has a mustache! Robert was the most famous Kardashian! Of course, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The media remains vacuous and a slave to the 24-hour news cycle. The wisdom of crowds continues to not exist.

Iconography happens at the expense of context. We see an image and forget what happened in the preceding hours, weeks, even years. June 17, 1994 isn't just a dissection of an unusually eventful day, an examination of the low point of a former star athelete, nor a study of the media. It's a restoration of context. It's the best documentary of 2010.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 10 power rankings

2011-02-16T22:04:00.003-06:00

Angelo, gone so soon? I thought they would've chucked Tiffany (one of the lesser of the remaining chefs) or Carla (honestly, she deserved it more), but Angelo? Admittedly, he peaked early, but he deserved to last a few episodes longer - certainly longer than his partner in bromance, Mike, who looked heartbroken that his new bestie would no longer be on the show. Ten bucks says he starts the next episode shedding some man tears.

1. Dale
Dale is back! He's taken three of the past four Quickfires, and won tonight's Elimination Challenge to boot. It's the first Quickfire/Elimination Challenge sweep since last season's penultimate episode. And he ramped up the douchiness this episode too, which is always a plus.
2. Antonia
Doing a hundred egg dishes takes guts. Antonia has them.
3. Richard
Demerits for making a Quickfire dish that was not a cookie under any current, historical, or future definition of the term. Credits for making a good dish in the Elimination Challenge that wasn't a soup. By the way, it's no coincidence that the strongest three chefs left were all in the Chicago edition of Top Chef.
4. Carla
Carla's dottiness means that when she falls, she falls big.
5. Mike
His performance tonight was identical to his performance all season: neither good enough to be up for a win nor bad enough to be up for elimination. Every remaining cheftestant has faced the judges at least twice as many times as he has.
6. Tiffany
Prolonging the inevitable.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena - "Beneath the Mask"

2011-02-14T21:34:00.003-06:00

Ancient Rome meets John Hughes in this week's Spartacus. Batiatus wants to hold a party at the ludus so he takes his father away for the night, and hijinks ensue! I'll grant that in your average teenage comedy there's a little fooling around in a closet instead of a massive orgy, and nobody's head gets bashed in at the end of the night. Otherwise, this was totally Weird Capuan Science.

Why not? High school, like Roman society, is a caste system. Batiatus wants to eat lunch with the popular kids, and he's trying to gain favor by turning the ludus into a Bunny Ranch. Unfortunately, now he's becoming more known for the sexual exploits of his slaves rather than their prowess in the arena. He's dead set on getting Gannicus into the primus of the upcoming games by any means necessary, though, so his hands are tied. Hosting an orgy is the next logical step.

In my mind, it's Batiatus' way of going big or going home. Word of his house's delights is spreading among Capua's elite quicker than he expected, so it makes sense to satiate everyone's hunger all at once instead of one by one.

But like any big illicit party in a high school comedy, there's always the one uninvited guest who ruins everything. In this case, it's Tullius. And not only that, he was invited by Solonius, for reasons I couldn't quite understand, but I'm assuming are a mix of Solonius miffed at playing babysitter at the party in Batiatus' place, trying to reverse the downward spiral of the ludus, and currying favor with Tullius. Like any good villain, Tullius is single-minded in his pursuits. He doesn't want to drink or screw, he just wants to bring the House of Batiatus down. If that means embarrassing Gannicus in an "exhibition" of fighting skills, that's great. If it means killing Gaia to send a message, even better (Jaime Murray exits the series too early, but bless her heart she got topless in all of her episodes).

Thus we get one of Sparatcus' beloved webs of hate. Tullius hates Batiatus and Lucretia, they hate him back, but Titus wants to ally himself with Tullius so now Batiatus and Lucretia are pissed at him too. In the last episode it seemed a foregone conclusion that Batiatus would commit patricide, now it looks like a footrace between him and Lucretia to see who will kill Titus first - if they don't gang up on him, of course. If there's one thing Spartacus excels at, it's capturing pent-up rage churning into vengeance in overblown fashion, and the final scene with Lucretia was very satisfying.

Elsewhere in the ludus: Gannicus can't hold back his feelings for Melitta, Crixus tries to make nice with Barca, Ashur is a prick, and Oenomaus is slowly learning to throw his weight around (and conversely, how to take orders from his superiors whether he likes them or not). The downstairs action isn't necessarily boring, especially when Ashur is involved, but the upstairs action is far more compelling. Batiatus, by Spartacus standards, is a fully fleshed-out character; we know why he's an arrogant bastard. Why makes Gannicus tick? So many of Gods of the Arena's storylines seem preordained; only his has the chance of surprising come the finale.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 9 power rankings

2011-02-09T22:03:00.004-06:00

Poor Fabio. If his dish tasted the way the judges said it did, he was justified in being PYKAG'd, but his burger sure looked good.

1. Carla
Making a huge play to be in the finale. Her three Elimination Challenge victories are the most of any chef this season and she has been in a winning group for four straight weeks, another season high. Disregard her antics: Carla is not to be underestimated.
2. Angelo
Keeping steady, but his last Elimination Challenge win came way back in the second episode.
3. Richard
Coasting. Still a favorite to be in the finale but he's been settling for base hits lately and he needs that home run.
4. Antonia
Fabio thought she didn't deserve to win last week. She gets the last laugh.
5. Dale
It's a tale of two Dales: win the Quickfire, then be up for elimination. He looked invincible for a while but now he's in the bottom group for the second week in a row - a Top Chef first for him. Still capable of making the finale if he can recover his mojo.
6. Mike
Good showing tonight to make up for last week's poor dish, but he won't be around much longer.
7. Tiffany
If she'd been sent home, I wouldn't have batted an eye. As one of the diners said, she made tortilla soup.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena: "Paterfamilias"

2011-02-06T22:08:00.000-06:00

Quintus' tenure as lanista for the House of Batiatus is experiencing some growing pains.

The Assyrians haven't truly earned the mark of the brotherhood, so the rest of the gladiators don't accept them. Oenomaus isn't comfortable commanding the men who were so recently his equals, limiting his power as Doctore (he can't even crack the whip yet). Crixus is still green. And all of the devious back-door dealings are slowly unraveling.

In fact, it's hard to decide which of the developments in "Paterfamilias" is going to be a bigger thorn in everyone's side.

One is the return of Quintus' father, the titular "Paterfamilias." Titus Batiatus has credentials, he's bona-fide, and the first thing he does upon returning to Capua is walking in on his son cavorting with Lucretia and Gaia (Jaime Murray is now 3/3 for nude scenes!). He's a hard-assed, unforgiving father straight out of Lost and he isn't taking a shine to how Quintus is running things in his absence. He's so disappointed, in fact, that he immediately goes to smooth things over with Tullius and Vettius, removing Gannicus from the primus in the process. It's an act that gets Titus immediate heat - Batiatus is a slimeball, but Tullius and Vettius don't deserve apologies.

Maybe it's a good thing that Titus dragged Batiatus from the ludus for that meeting, because he misses the episode's other big development. Varus returns to the ludus, bringing his pal Cossutius with him. Cossutius heard of the show Gannicus and Melitta put on, and now he wants part of the action. Batiatus has yet to learn the slippery slope of lessening one's standards. Once you whore out two of your slaves, you've got to whore all of them out. It's up to Lucretia to play damage control, and that's how poor young Diona loses her virginity to an unwashed gladiator - and simultaneously loses another kind of virginity to Cossutius. If any of you had a DP scene on your Spartacus bingo card, mark it down!

Things don't turn out too badly for Batiatus in the end, though. Varus spares the life of one of his gladiators, thanks to his hospitality, and Crixus proves his worth in the arena. Even Titus can't help but show some approval for his son. But that doesn't mean that Batiatus won't inevitably kill him a few episodes down the road, as the ending intentionally foreshadows.

"Paterfamilias" wasn't a bad episode but it was more devoted to introducing and advancing storylines than deepening characters or doing awesome things for the sake of awesomeness (compared to the season premiere, the fights in the arena were pretty weak). We're halfway though the season and the endgame is still a tad ambiguous. The climax of Gods of the Arena can't be too earth-shattering, since we already know where most of these characters will be five years later. Gannicus is the presumed centerpiece of the prequel but we still know little about his character. The brilliance of Blood and Sand was how in its final third, it took upwards of eight episodes worth of plotting and brought everything together. Gods of the Arena only has six episodes to work with, period. The clock is ticking.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 8 power rankings

2011-02-02T22:03:00.003-06:00

No major changes, just minor shuffling.

1. Richard
Now has the most Quickfire wins this season with three.
2. Angelo
Laughable performance at the Quickfire, but that challenge made everyone look silly.
3. Dale
The first time all season he's been up for elimination.
4. Carla
Just as in Season 5, she's finishing very strongly.
5. Antonia
Picks up the win, but she's been erratic lately.
6. Fabio
Also finishing very strongly. However, he - like the rest of my bottom three - hasn't won any Elimination Challenges.
7. Tiffany
Good rebound from last week, and salvaged what could've been a disaster this week.
8. Mike
Should've gone home instead of Tre.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena: "Missio"

2011-01-30T16:00:00.000-06:00

Has Spartacus done the unthinkable this week and gained - gasp - thematic depth?

Answer: maybe.

For the second consecutive week, Spartacus crosscuts a sex scene with a fight. This time it's Gannicus getting it on with Melitta while her husband fights Doctore. It's a situation that nobody wants to be in, although Oenomaus eventually grows into the title of Doctore and Gannicus and Melitta appear to eventually give in to some dormant sexual tension. That latter development is going to have some consequences very soon, though. Whatever metaphor the show might be constructing with sex as an act of violence is blunted by how pervasive both are. Do the writers have a larger purpose at work, or do they just realize that since fight scenes and screwing are part of the show's calling card it makes sense to give both to the viewer at once?

A more likely intentional recurring theme would be that of freedom, or more accurately the lack thereof. For slaves in Capua, it's either work in servitude, fight as a gladiator, or be sent to presumably die working in the mines. The gladiators can only aspire to be champions - as Gannicus says, it's the only time he feels free. Some freedom, but hey, it's the best he can do. No wonder Crixus is looking past becoming a mere gladiator and has his sights set on champion. However, even masters like Batiatus aren't totally free. "Missio" has one of those classic Batiatus plans in which he ultimately gets what he wants but not before several mishaps, detours, and a death or two. He's confined initially by the legacy of his father and grandfather. Rising in stature and making a name for himself requires becoming beholden to Varus, Vettius, and Tullius. And as seen in the first season, as his ambition grows he becomes more and more dependent on slaves and patricians alike. To be truly free is rare.

Then again, life isn't so bad for Batiatus since he gets to have a threesome with Lucy Lawless and Jaime Murray. Murray is 2-for-2 in episodes with nude scenes, a third of the way towards what I predict will be a perfect season.

Spartacus is still a wellspring of trashy delights - namely, the aforementioned threesome and sex/fight scene. But it's slowly doing more than just delivering lurid thrills on a meager budget. Batiatus' flashback/nightmare in the beginning of the episode showed unexpected panache for a show that is usually content to steal all of its style from 300. Manu Bennett, completely out of his element in the first season when attempting to show his love for Naevia, does much better playing a desperate underdog looking to prove his worth as a gladiator. Murray's character may be one-note, but she plays that note for all it's worth. The show's ambitions will always be outpaced by its excess, and its romantic subplots will probably continue to be laughable. But at least in this season, it's not missing the target entirely.

Brief thoughts on Dogtooth

2011-01-29T16:46:00.003-06:00

Dogtooth (Kynodontas). 2009, Greece, directed by Giorgos Lanthimos. Nominated for Best Foreign Language film at the 2011 Academy Awards.

"This is one weird movie but I can't help wondering what - OH GOD NO WHAT THE HELL SERIOUSLY PLEASE DON'T DO THAT HOLY CHRIST NO AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

In conclusion, I give it a 7/10.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena: "Past Transgressions"

2011-01-24T22:12:00.001-06:00

Spartacus: Blood and Sand was the worst best show of 2010. Its conceit was wholly unoriginal (300 + Gladiator + Caligula). There was little character development to speak of, and that which did happen was laughable. Per the budget of a third-tier premium cable network, it was obviously shot on the cheap. But like a nightclub frequented by SNL's Stefon, this show had everything: penis candles, decapitations, abundant nudity, grudge sex, crucifixions, and statutory rape. That's just skimming the surface, incidentally. Although the show was purely plot-driven, it weaved storylines together brilliantly. The trump card was John Hannah's performance as Batiatus, the scheming, social climbing head of the ludus (gladiator school) who chewed scenery and spit out overwrought profanity with aplomb (the supporting cast as a whole was quite excellent, actually).

Spartacus was also a minor surprise hit, with the finale attracting nearly double the viewers of the premiere. Although most critics shrugged the series off after its admittedly choppy first episodes, those who stuck with it were generally enthusiastic. Unfortunately, Spartacus himself, Andy Whitfield, developed a lingering case of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Not wanting to lose the show's momentum, Starz decided to produce a six-episode prequel series documenting Batiatus' rise and fleshing out the backstories of the other supporting characters.

The networked hoped that Whitfield could recover from cancer with enough time to film the follow-up to Blood and Sand this year. Sadly, the cancer returned. With Whitfield's blessing, Starz recast the role. While I wish no ill will towards Whitfield, he was the weak link in the cast and his absence is probably to Spartacus' benefit. The characters in Gods of the Arena are far more interesting; the actors more talented.

Enough backstory. On with the review.

Casting spoilers to the wind, "Past Transgressions" opens with a montage of events that happened in Blood and Sand, most of which occurred in the final episode, and chiefly among them Batiatus' death (the montage is also notable as perhaps one of the few "previouslies" that is actually a "consequently"). Those who tuned into GotA with no prior knowledge of the series may be dismayed to learn a character's fate so quickly, but the reveal makes sense. Rest assured, he gets what he deserves. For veterans of the show, the following ten minutes pack in everything they loved about the first season: nonstop profanity, lurid violence, full frontal nudity, and scandalous depictions of everyday Roman life.

From there, the show goes about its considerable place-setting, introducing the multiple plotlines that will encompass GotA if not the series at large. Capua is a city on the rise, and Batiatus seeks to step out of his father's shadow and make a name for himself within it (he's also good friends with future rival Suetonius, who once again sports the douchiest hairstyle in all of the Roman Republic). Batiatus' prized gladiator is a hotshot named Gannicus, Crixus is a newly-purchased trainee, Ahsur walks without a limp, and Oenomaus has not yet assumed the mantle of Doctore. Meanwhile, one of Lucretia's typically slutty friends is back in town, fresh off a dead husband, and will be staying at the ludus for a while.

Seeing the familiar faces in unfamiliar positions is interesting enough, but it's the new blood that provides the most intrigue. The primary antagonists, Capuan bigwig Tullius and rival lanista Vettius, aren't around for Blood and Sand, and it would surprise nobody if both died due to Batiatus' machinations (Batiatus' infirm father is referred to but not seen, and it would be a bigger surprise if Batiatus doesn't eventually kill him). The biggest name in the new cast is Jaime Murray as Lucretia's friend Gaia. Murray was Lila in the second season of Dexter, and she's a perfect fit in Spartacus given her character's penchant for toplessness. Gaia will be appreciated the most by people who liked Paz de la Huerta in Boardwalk Empire but thought she didn't get naked enough, and it's a wonder that she nearly stays clothed throughout the entire episode.

The most notable new character is Dustin Clare's Gannicus, the "star" of Batiatus' ludus and given his placement in the show's marketing, not to mention how he looks shirtless compared to John Hannah, the star of the show. He's a hotshot gladiator who one-ups Crixus and Spartacus at their cockiest. He spends most of the premiere fighting, drinking, and screwing, so we don't have a good feel of what makes him tick yet. But a scene between him and Oenomaus is cleverly ambiguous - is he reckless, or genuinely suicidal? Either quality is, in some respects, necessary to be a gladiator. His fate is similarly up in the air. Perhaps Crixus' rises to prominence while he falls from favor, or perhaps he moves on to the "big leagues" in Rome, if such an achievement would realistically happen back then. I'll say this, though: don't Google him if you don't want a hint of his fate.

"Past Transgressions" is predictably heavy on exposition. It's not an unsatisfying episode but one wishes that there weren't so many pieces to put into position. Then again, the same could be said for the first episode of any season of The Wire. The bone-crushing violence still delivers, especially in the climactic marketplace brawl. The soap opera plotting hasn't skipped a beat. But best of all, it's good to see John Hannah back. Just hearing him curse brings a smile to my face. Even if Gods of the Arena can't match Blood and Sand's highs, the show will still have the best Villain You Love to Hate currently on television.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 7 power rankings

2011-01-19T22:15:00.002-06:00

The post-Restaurant Wars breakdown is pretty easy this week.

1. Dale
2. Richard
3. Angelo
4. Carla
5. Fabio
6. Antonia
7. Tre
8. Mike
9. Tiffany

The top three are the top three. Duh.

Antonia has been on the losing team for three straight weeks. Last week almost shouldn't count, since the judges admitted she had one of the best dishes. But this is the second week in three where her team collapsed around her and she did nothing about it. To be fair, in the Chinatown episode everyone collapsed around her, but she still has a habit of observing chaos and staying outside of it. Tiffany cooked a bad dish and laid it on too thick as front of house. Mike did a good job at the Quickfire but couldn't handle working alongside Marcel (can't blame him, but still). Tre isn't in the bottom third because he's a bad chef, it's just that everyone else is better.

Top Chef All-Stars: week 6 power rankings

2011-01-13T00:27:00.003-06:00

Feeling so fly like it's week six.

1. Angelo
2. Dale
3. Antonia
4. Richard
5. Carla
6. Marcel
7. Mike
8. Fabio
9. Tiffany
10. Tre

Our long national Jamie nightmare is finally over, but Tiffani? And I was just starting to get a crush on her. Mike finally gets chosen to be seen at Judge's Table, and Fabio is still wildly inconsistent. Antonia inches up for a very strong showing in a weak group. Richard inches down for a poor performance. You could tell from his body language that he was really pissed about how his team did. Tiffany and Tre aren't bad chefs - in fact, they placed high in tonight's show. But there aren't any noticeably weak links left. You could easily flip them with Mike and Fabio, but Mike does a great job of coasting under the radar and Fabio can follow up a crap performance with a brilliant one.

Let's talk about Black Belt Jones

2011-01-08T16:25:00.002-06:00

I've had Winter's Bone languishing in my apartment now for about two weeks. It arrived in the mail while I was visiting my parents for Christmas, and then I was extraordinarily busy at work for the weeks following that. So this weekend has been the first time in a while where I've been able to set a few hours aside for a dvd. But it's been a long week. A long week. I've just torn through a big dinner and downed a few Rolling Rocks while flipping between college football and pro wrestling. It's not the kind of night for a grim, critically acclaimed drama.

But it is a night to watch Black Belt Jones.

The title character is played by Jim Kelly, aka the black guy from Enter the Dragon (the two films share producers and the director). Jones has some nebulous involvement with law enforcement or maybe the FBI, who knows, and in his spare time he teaches white women how to jump on a trampoline by the beach. His superiors want him to go after some mafiosos because they have some photos that are important for some reason. Jones isn't interested until he learns that the mob is looking to muscle an old friend (Scatman Crothers!) out of the karate studio he owns so they can buy the land and then flip it to the city government for a planned civic center. But the black hoodlums who are sent to rough up the old man accidentally kill him, incurring both the wrath of Black Belt Jones and the man's daughter, Sydney (Gloria Hendry). Sydney is coincidentally a martial arts expert herself and a badass chick besides (as she awesomely intones to some lecherous gangsters, "I ain't your momma"). Now it's time, as the film's poster states, to clobber the mob.

Before Black Belt Jones, the only true blaxploitation film I'd seen was Blacula. If, like me, you thought that Black Dynamite was intentionally over-the-top, Black Belt Jones makes it look like a documentary. There's a funky soundtrack, afros galore, outrageous leisure suits, stereotyping, misogyny, bad dialogue, and worse editing. It's hard enough to not shout quotes at the screen ("But Black Dynamite, I sell drugs to the community!"). And even though Black Belt Jones isn't a parody, it's hardly playing the material straight. As the only actor in the cast with a combination of athleticism, presence, and talent, Kelly remains unflappable. Everyone else mugs it up.

That "anything goes" style is part of the movie's charm. I've largely seen the genre through retrospective eyes. The Last Dragon was too self-conscious and tried too hard to be something for everybody - comedy, kung fu movie, musical. Black Belt Jones, which I'm assuming was cranked out fast and cheap, just shrugs its shoulders and plays to the rafters. Its lack of aspirations is its greatest strength. The action scenes aren't earth-shattering but they are competent, which is really all that matters. It's Kelly's movie and he ably carries it.

I'll have to mine Netflix for more blaxploitation. As a white guy, I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to defend it (Black Belt Jones is largely inoffensive) but in this case it's a lot of fun.

Don't believe me? Check the trailer:

Top Chef All-Stars: week 5 power rankings

2011-01-05T22:10:00.002-06:00

Had a break in the action thanks to the holidays. Back on board for week 5.

1. Angelo
2. Dale
3. Richard
4. Marcel
5. Antonia
6. Fabio
7. Carla
8. Tiffani
9. Mike
10. Tiffany
11. Tre
12. Jamie

Sure, Jamie has deserved to go home for a while now but Casey hasn't exactly been Grant Achatz this season. Mike got a big Quickfire win tonight but his season has been the definition of mediocre. Solid top three. After that, it's muddled. It doesn't help that some chefs are all over the place - for instance, Fabio, who has been in the top or bottom group in every single Elimination Challenge thus far.

Pop culture resolutions for 2011

2011-01-01T16:35:00.003-06:00

Not the boring personal New Year's Resolutions. The fun kind. So, as inspired by The A.V. Club, my resolutions for 2011.

Read more. Right now I do virtually all of my reading on public transportation, which is fine since I spend a lot of time on the train or the bus, but reading shouldn't be something I do just because I'm not in the same room as a tv or a computer. I'm also looking to read more books by female authors, since everything I read in the second half of 2010 was written by dudes. I could stand to add a few minority authors to my "to-read" list, too. On a related note, I'd also like to...

Take advantage of the library. The neighborhood branch of the Chicago Public Library is small and unimpressive, but I can get books (or other media) from other branches sent there. Evanston also has a great library with a huge periodicals section, if I ever feel like killing an hour flipping through magazines like I did in college (I was a really cool guy in college). The Chicago library system has a fairly good selection of graphic novels from what I've seen online, and I'd like to take advantage of that because reading them doesn't come cheap. Part of the reason it's taken me over a year to slog through Preacher is that I don't cotton to paying $18 for something I can finish during a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Take better advantage of Netflix Watch Instantly: The advantage to renting movies from Netflix is that in order to get your money's worth, you need to watch rentals right away and get a good turnaround on your next one. Netflix has a treasure trove of documentaries, independent/foreign movies, and tv shows available through streaming, but since they're always there there's rarely an impetus to watch them. A long, cold winter could be just the reason I need to finally watch Sherman's March and Big Man Japan.

Watch more television. Remember when I was talking about Netflix Watch Instantly? I've had Friday Night Lights languishing on my streaming queue for a year now. If I'm not vigilant, Veronica Mars and Battlestar Galactica could suffer the same fate. I've been putting off the second season of Sons of Anarchy for a few months, I've only seen four episodes of Community, and I've still never watched a minute of Breaking Bad.

Top Chef All-Stars: 12/15 power rankings

2010-12-15T22:05:00.003-06:00

1. Angelo
2. Richard
3. Dale T.
4. Antonia
5. Tre
6. Marcel
7. Carla
8. Tiffani
9. Spike
10. Casey
11. Tiffany
12. Jamie
13. Mike
14. Fabio

Angelo: still weasly, still on top. Dale's win, plus Antonia's strong showing, brings the top 4 back to the same it was after the first episode. Fabio is running hot and cold, but more cold than hot and when he's cold he's cold. Luckily for him, Dale L. had the lesser dish.

Reasons why The Rocketeer, despite its faults, is still awesome.

2010-12-12T17:03:00.003-06:00

- evil Timothy Dalton (see also: Hot Fuzz)
- Terry O'Quinn as Howard Hughes
- an animated Nazi propaganda film
- general Art Deco-ness
- Tiny Ron Taylor as a "heavy"
- a zeppelin
- mobsters and G-Men teaming up to fight Nazis

Top Chef All-Stars: 12/8 Power Rankings

2010-12-08T22:26:00.002-06:00

1. Angelo
2. Richard
3. Dale T.
4. Tiffani
5. Marcel
6. Antonia
7. Tre
8. Carla
9. Dale L.
10. Spike
11. Fabio
12. Casey
13. Jamie
14. Tiffany
15. Stephen
16. Mike

Clearly, we got "second half of Top Chef: Las Vegas" Jen instead of "first half of Top Chef: Las Vegas" Jen.

Tiffani gets a huge boost this week. Jamie nosedives, although most of the drama surrounding her was a total non-event. Spike is inching his way towards respectability.

Brief thoughts on The Secret in Their Eyes

2010-12-05T10:38:00.002-06:00

I'll be concise and to the point: The Secret in Their Eyes is an Argentinean crime drama that won the 2010 Academy Award for Best Foreign Film. It's good. You should watch it.

But I do want to highlight some quotes from reviews of the film. Slate sums up the movie best by calling it "a really long, really awesome episode of Law & Order set in Buenos Aires," which is better praise than I could come up with. Roger Ebert describes Ricardo Darin's character as "one of those men on whom a beard seems inevitable." Once again, he's right on the money, and as a bearded man I appreciate his insight (although in this case, I hope I'm not quite like that character).

If I may be so humble as to add my own insights to the movie, it's real genius is that its three best scenes are not only back-to-back-to-back but that the first is brilliantly written, the second brilliantly staged, and the third brilliantly acted. The Secret in Their Eyes is a procedural at heart, and a melodramatic one at that, but it uses its few flourishes to better effect than any movie I've seen all year.

Top Chef All-Stars power rankings: 12/1

2010-12-01T22:22:00.002-06:00

1. Angelo
2. Richard
3. Dale T.
4. Antonia
5. Jennifer
6. Jamie
7. Tre
8. Carla
9. Tiffany
10. Marcel
11. Dale L.
12. Casey
13. Spike
14. Tiffani
15. Mike
16. Fabio
17. Stephen

Not a lot of major changes to note. Spike has a good chance of doing what he did during his season; being just competent enough to not get eliminated, but never excelling. It's too soon to tell whether mid-level chefs with strong dishes (Jamie, Mike) are stronger overall, or if they simply learned from their one fatal mistake. The strong Chicago cast has a predictably strong showing. Stephen looks lost. Jennifer couldn't cook well under pressure in Las Vegas, and this season is all pressure. Fabio spent too much time shilling for Bravo and not enough time in the kitchen. Do the producers actually have the stones to paint good guy Richard as a villain, or did he just inadvertently slip up by going over his alloted time?

Top Chef All-Stars: Preseason Power Rankings

2010-11-30T21:03:00.002-06:00

Bravo's Top Chef franchise is one of the network's flagship programs, but it has laid the cooking on a little thick this year. Immediately after another technically proficient but drama-free season of Top Chef: Masters, the extremely underwhelming Top Chef: DC premiered. The weakest season in the show's history was followed by another spinoff, Top Chef: Just Desserts, which had to have set a statistical record for amount of crying per episode. I've been a fervent Top Chefian for years now, but I couldn't finish Top Chef: Just Desserts. The fun wasn't there anymore. Bravo seems to feel that the series has lagged, too, hence Wednesday's premiere of Top Chef: All-Stars. If they're looking to freshen up the series, they've done a good job, since the cast is absolutely loaded with talent. Even better, they've brought on Anthony Bourdain as a judge. I'm stoked. Let's handicap this race.

1. Richard
2. Angelo
3. Carla
4. Antonia
5. Jennifer
6. Dale T.
7. Tre
8. Tiffany
9. Fabio
10. Marcel
11. Dale L.
12. Casey
13. Elia
14. Tiffani
15. Stephen
16. Jamie
17. Mike
18. Spike

Admittedly, I'm making educated guesses with Tiffani and Stephen since I never saw the first season. It's pretty clear that Mike and Spike are the lesser of the cheftestants by a country mile. Conversely, it's clear that Richard and Angelo are the cream of the crop. Virtually everyone else is a wildcard. Will Dale Talde keep his temper? Will Tre redeem himself? Can chokers like Carla and Jennifer regain their swagger?

The Walking Dead - "Guts"

2010-11-08T21:54:00.002-06:00

It was only inevitable that there would be a drop-off in quality between the first episode of The Walking Dead and the second. Frank Darabont doesn't just direct his own script on a basic cable show every day. His presence aside, the pilot was a stripped-down, spartan, effective example of storytelling. Zombie hordes aside, Rick Grimes was the only character onscreen for roughly half of the episode, and he spent most of the other half with only two other characters (one of whom was played by Lennie James, and you can't go wrong with Lennie James). Grimes doesn't have the same magnetism that Tony Soprano or Don Draper did in their premieres, but he's a capable dramatic center, and two-or-three person scenes are generally strong ones.

"Guts" more or less doubles the number of Walking Dead characters, but to little effect. Plucky young Glenn is the only one who shows immediate potential; most of the others are still undeveloped, with two exceptions. There's some blonde woman I don't care much about, and then there's Merle Dixon. It's no stretch of the imagination that a survivor of a zombie apocalypse has lost his cool, but Merle is a raving lunatic in addition to being racist, sexist, and a generally terrible human being overall. It's not that I have a problem with the introduction of an instigator, since they're reliable and somewhat necessary archetypes for zombie movies. But Merle's clashes with T-Dog (himself an uninspiring character) are depressingly cliche. Black/white tensions have been a staple of zombie films since the first Living Dead film and they're becoming old hat. Why not have Merle hate Mexicans? Or have a gay character for him to play off of? I'm not asking the show to reinvent the wheel, just to take a familiar trope in a new direction.

Things improved once Rick and Glenn enacted their bonkers escape plan, which provided an exciting finish to the episode. The less said the better about Rick's wife and the rest of the crew at the Survivalist Trailer Park. That's partially my bias against Dr. Sara Tancredi but even then the scenes are just treading plot water for when the two bands of survivors reunite.

I still have high hopes for the show, of course, and most of these new characters will either be thoughtfully fleshed out or become zombie bait. But the mere presence of Merle is a very bad omen. That kind of shit wouldn't fly on Mad Men. This is AMC, I expect more.

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: television edition

2010-11-07T11:41:00.006-06:00

The Rocky Horror Glee Show: I watched the first few episodes of Glee last year and gave up on it; mentioning all of its faults would distract from the task at hand but its largest is that it's wildly inconsistent (for an extremely in-depth examination of the subject, see here). One of the show's strengths, however, is that it's able to do a lot of gimmick episodes that draw in viewers who otherwise wouldn't watch. I never saw the episode centered around Lady Gaga, although I was slightly intrigued by it, but a seasonally appropriate episode riffing on Rocky Horror seemed too good to pass up. Besides, all the kids these days like Glee, and I'm hip too, right?

However, the premise of the episode is shaky in and of itself, since there is no way that a high school, especially one in a small conservative town, would ever produce The Rocky Horror Show. The episode does address the controversy, but never in a satisfying way, because as usual Glee can't decide whether it's grounded in an actual high school or a musical fantasy land. The audience is supposed to accept that a school can put on an edited version of Rocky Horror, in approximately one week, and the boyfriend of a faculty member can get a part just because it's convenient. You can't do that and then have a serious subplot about male body image, which was shoved to the side and bungled anyway (earnestness is not the show's strong suit, so the upcoming "very special episode" about bullying will probably set the gay rights movement back a century). The show doesn't have the guts to explain why Rocky Horror pushes the envelope in the first place, merely relying on that phrase and thereby rendering it meaningless. Meanwhile, the protagonist (Mr. Schu) is a prick and the woman who is the show's trademark voice of insanity (Sue Sylvester), a characteristic reinforced at the beginning of the episode, is the voice of reason at its end.

As for the adaptation of Rocky Horror itself, the musical numbers are mostly passable, albeit a little overproduced sometimes (another Glee hallmark). Nothing stands out until John Stamos' surprisingly fun rendition of "Whatever Happened to Saturday Night?" I was distracted throughout Amber Riley's "Sweet Transvestite;" it's a potentially interesting take on the show to have Frank N. Furter played by a woman, but in that case, shouldn't she be a drag king? I liked Jayma Mays' version of "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me" although I may be a bit biased because she's my second-favorite redhead on televison (#1 is Christina Hendricks, obvs). The climactic rendition of "Time Warp," sadly, was merely okay. I will say that Chris Colfer makes for an excellent Riff Raff, and Heather Morris' Columbia makes me think "how *you* doin'?"

The Walking Dead: I'll watch anything that's zombie-related, but put it on AMC and I get extra excited. Even better - while all zombie films must inevitably end, The Walking Dead, as a series, can continue for as long as it is renewed. Jericho blew it as an extended examination of the post-apocalypse, so I'm hoping this show doesn't disappoint.

It's hard to judge a series as a whole by its pilot, but the premiere of The Walking Dead is stellar. There's little here we haven't seen in countless zombie films before it, but solid execution overcomes any narrative shortcomings. There is one new idea that I hope will be explored further in upcoming episodes: sympathy for the undead. Also, Lennie James gets a large chunk of screen time and you can't go wrong with Lennie James.

Community: I've never seen an episode of Community before, although I've heard nothing but good things. I'd been holding out for the first season to appear on Netflix's instant viewing (c'mon guys, pleeeease?) but this year's Halloween episode seems like a good point to dive in. The plot, in which a zombie-like infection strikes during a holiday party, cribs from so many zombie movies that it could almost function as a standalone short film, but the individual characters get enough attention that I could probably understand their relationships to each other in following episodes. There's also Aliens references and an ABBA soundtrack. How can you lose? (It will be interesting to see if Community, unlike Glee, commits to its "anything goes" universe or if it tries for occasional misguided earnest realism. Perhaps it will split a happy medium, like in The Office or 30 Rock, where effective dramatic moments are introduced because they come from established character relationships and not randomly introduced plot points.)

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: Dexter Season 4

2010-10-25T21:13:00.000-05:00

A tenuous Halloween connection to be sure, but it's a show about a serial killer. Close enough.

Also, spoilers. Duh.

Dexter is becoming a tad predictable by its 4th season. There's a season-long story arc involving a certain character, usually another serial killer, who ends up being dumped into the ocean by the final episode. At least this go-round spares us the usual "Dexter is in danger of being found out and is about to give up killing but then everything resolves itself in the end" episode. And while Dexter himself remains as fascinating as ever, the rest of the cast is becoming more and more expendable. I've always liked Deb, and Masuka remains dependable comic relief. But Batista and Laguerta are completely useless, Rita is a pain in the ass, and Quinn is a tenth of the antagonist that Doakes was. If there's any character on scripted television capable of X-Pac heat, it's Quinn.

Fortunately, the show still has some trump cards. One is Michael C. Hall. Big shocker; he's been awesome from day one. The other is John Lithgow. Lithgow has a reputation as a comedic actor these days but as anyone who's seen Blow Out knows, he can pull out the crazy. As this season's Big Bad, he'd be required to do much of the heavy lifting even if the suplots and their characters weren't so weak. Like Jimmy Smits before him, he's more than capable of pulling his own weight. Of course, Smits' Miguel Prado was more fiery and imposing than Lithgow's Trinity Killer, not to mention younger. Initially it's a bit silly to imagine a somewhat doughy older man as a legendary serial killer. Lithgow makes it work.

It doesn't hurt that his character is written as one sick sumbitch. Lila was crazy in that psycho-ex-girlfriend sense; Prado was a loose cannon. Trinity - the series' first true recurring serial murderer since the Ice Truck Killer - is a genuine psychopath. His dysfunction is responsible for one of the most twisted episodes since the first season, and by extension one of the best (envelope pushing is, after all, one of the reasons we watch Dexter): "Hungry Man." The theme of two opposing Thanksgivings makes for a good narrative in general, but the part of the holiday spent with Trinity's family is an awesome train wreck. From Trinity's teen daughter propositioning herself to Dexter, to Trinity calling his wife a cunt at the dinner table, to Dexter completely flipping out, it's compulsively watchable. After earlier lame-brained episodes showing Dexter trying to cope with suburbia that went nowhere, it's refreshing to see something so inspired and original. Also, Deb and Masuka are forced to be around children. Gold, Jerry, gold.

Then there's the series finale's big reveal: Rita pulls a Teri Bauer and gets herself killed in the final minutes. It wasn't a gut-punch ending for me, since I'd had it spoiled. Honestly, it was something of a relief. Rita had been bitchy and a perpetual thorn in Dexter's side for most of the season, having gone from sweet but damaged when she was initially introduced to constantly nagging. I'm intrigued by what the series does with the aftershocks of her murder. Myles McNutt lays out some very interesting potential directions, but from what little I've gleamed about the current season, it's business as usual for the show's structure. I still love Dexter - check that, I still love Dexter Morgan, and two or three other characters - but if the 5th season ends with the special guest star du jour wrapped in plastic on a table, my patience may have come to an end.

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: Severance

2010-10-23T20:31:00.002-05:00

With the exception of Piranha 3D, the past three horror films I've watched (Dead Snow, The Human Centipede, and Severance) have all taken about people getting stranded in the woods in Europe. I've been trying to find a greater meaning to this pattern but it's probably just a coincidence. For starters, I don't watch a lot of horror. For whatever reason, the horror movies I do watch happen to be from Europe (REC, which I've also seen in the past year, falls outside the "lost in the woods" parameter but it is from Spain). And even Piranha 3D took place in an outdoors setting. It does seem like most horror movies take place either in the suburbs or the boondocks and shy away from cities, especially large urban cores. Is it because the big bad city, with its gangbangers and druggies, is scary enough already? I dunno.

But I'm burying the lede. Severance isn't on the level of Shaun of the Dead but it does convince me that the Brits need to make more satirical horror comedies. The plot is simple enough - a group of pencil pushers for a multinational defense company gets lost during a corporate retreat in the Balkans, and soon they realize they're being stalked. But James Moran's script and Christopher Smith's direction contain enough wry humor and misdirection to keep things fresh, although their imagination peters out by the climax. They're also capable of some very effective scares, including a set piece with a bear trap that's still in my head. It's funny, it's icky, and it's breezily paced. A solid night's diversion.

Side note: one of the characters is an American but I noticed her accent was a little off. I assumed the actress was a Brit altering her voice, but as it turns out, she's Canadian. Nice try, England. You can't fool me.

Halloween Horrorpocalypse: The Human Centipede

2010-10-10T19:35:00.002-05:00

If you're reading this there's a good chance you already know the plot of The Human Centipede, but I'll summarize it for the uninitiated: a mad German scientist stitches three victims together, mouth to anus, to make a human centipede. All together now - EEEEEW.

Now that we've gotten that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, we can discuss the substance of The Human Centipede. Unfortunately, there isn't much to discuss. It's a movie that a Texan would describe as all hat and no (surgically conjoined) cattle.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a horror film's protagonists must be likable enough that the audience invests itself in their troubles and wants them to live. Heroines Lindsay and Jenny, however, are the types of characters you usually root for the killer to bump off first. As American tourists visiting Germany they are necessarily strangers in a strange land, but they're so moronic that not only do they get lost in the woods while trying to find a nightclub, they proceed to leave their car and get lost in the actual woods themselves. They make the kids from Hostel look like Rick Steves.

That's when our fair ladies stumble upon the secluded home of Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser, a superb mad scientist name in its own right) and spend the second half of the movie making muffled screams. The "head" of the centipede, the only person capable of talking, spends most of his time cursing Dr. Heiter in subtitled Japanese. It's hard to care much about him either. Throw in some curious cops, and that's pretty much the movie.

For a low-budget production, Tom Six's direction is very polished, and Laser's performance is suitably bonkers (it doesn't hurt that he looks like a freaky bastard too). Otherwise, there's little to recommend. Once you get past the ickyness of the premise, there's little to be squeamish about. Six is judicious with blood and guts, due to either budgetary concerns or a desire to psychologically get under the viewer's skin. Unfortunately, there's only so much that a human centipede can do; the protagonists are already in the most horrific situation they could possibly get into halfway through the movie. The film's third act is therefore fairly rote. The ending is certainly chilling, but it's very grim, nihilistic out of narrative necessity more than thematic purpose.

Though their levels of exposure were drastically different, it's easy to compare The Human Centipede to Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane proved to be an enjoyable B-movie, however, whereas The Human Centipede is no more than its premise. But it's a humdinger of a premise, and Tom Six already has a sequel on the way. I don't know if I'll bother watching that one but any movie that promises to be "100% Medically Inaccurate" can't be all bad. And even if the movie itself was a letdown, at least the premise inspired such beautiful, beautiful frivolity. Tom Six is one sick puppy, but he's my kind of sick puppy.

Let's talk about the movies I've seen lately.

2010-08-22T11:37:00.003-05:00

The Other Guys

Given the director (Adam McKay), stars (Will Ferrell, Mark Whalberg), and concept (buddy cop spoof), The Other Guys had the potential to be hilarious but wound up amusing instead. It doesn't help that the funniest characters, and the ones most emblematic of shoot-'em-up police thriller excess, get killed off in the first act. Rent Hot Fuzz if you want both the comedy and the action done right. And is it just me or was Whalberg funnier in The Departed?

Greenberg

Though I didn't hate it, and Ben Stiller and Greta Gerwig turn in fine performances, I get the impression that plotless character studies and/or Noah Baumbach movies just aren't my cup of tea.

A Single Man

A Serious Man's ending either jumps the shark or is pitch perfect. In any case, Colin Firth's performance can't be ignored, and Jon Hamm's vocal cameo is cleverly cheeky.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Edgar Wright's adaptation of Bryan Lee O'Malley's graphic novels explodes with energy, humor, and visual delight, but its conceit of a relationship as a video game is a mixed bag. Some points ring true: the past as a physical enemy; strengthening friendships as the real-world equivalent of "leveling up;" self-respect as the key to beating the villain. And it's refreshing to see love as the catalyst for average joes to inexplicably become badasses (as opposed to say, revenge in Oldboy or general misanthropy in Watchmen). But it's hard to imagine what Scott Pilgrim and his beloved Ramona see in each other. Michael Cera is moderately likeable as Scott but other than his skills at bass guitar he has zero personality, and his attraction towards Ramona apparently derivates entirely from seeing her in a dream. That didn't work for me in Brazil and it doesn't work here. Ramona doesn't have much going for her either, other than her looks, and she comes off mostly as a prize to be won.

A few side notes: fans have fervently praised the film's originality, but while it displays great imagination and a dose of creativity, calling an adaptation of an existing property saturated in comic book and video game references "original" misses the point. Also, I'd like to shake the hand of the genius who cast Mae Whitman as one of Ramona's exes, especially if it was for the sole purpose of a fight scene between a reunited George Michael Bluth and Ann Veal (her?).

Burn After Reading

Like an episode of The Wire or Mad Men, there's something comforting about the Coen Brothers' lack of faith in people in Burn After Reading. The vain, snobbish, lascivious, greedy, and stupid will get what's coming to them and in some instances pay the ultimate price for their misguided deeds, whether they deserve it or not. Even simply being a schmuck is a mortal sin in the Coen's universe. Oh, and this is a comedy. Needlessly harsh? Yes, but this is D.C., not Fargo. Meanwhile, the CIA (taking the role of the Gods, I suppose), knows simultaneously everything and nothing about the follies at hand. It's not a Coen classic (their trademark snappy dialogue is nowhere to be found) but it's satisfying, and well-acted from top to bottom.

Piranha 3D

This is the only movie I've seen in 3D since it became the trend that nobody asked for, but it has to be the first to do the gimmick justice. Truly, naked women, dismembered body parts, and killer fish were meant to be seen in three glorious dimensions. If you have a strong stomach and a willingness to leave good taste outside the theater, Piranha 3D is trash of the highest order.

Coen Brothers Power Rankings

2010-08-21T18:08:00.002-05:00

Now that I've seen Burn After Reading, the filmography is complete. For purposes of this list, consider the segment from Paris, je t'aime to be "also recieving votes."

1. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
2. Raising Arizona
3. Blood Simple
4. Fargo
5. The Man Who Wasn't There
6. Intolerable Cruelty
7. No Country for Old Men
8. The Big Lebowski
9. Burn After Reading
10. A Serious Man
11. The Hudsucker Proxy
12. Barton Fink
13. Miller's Crossing
14. The Ladykillers

Honestly, positions 5-9 are something of a jumble. Can you really compare No Country for Old Men to The Big Lebowski? I'm very confident in the top four and bottom five, though. The other caveat is that most of these movies I've seen only once (and mostly many years ago), and since Fargo greatly improved in my mind after a second viewing there's no reason one of the others in the middle of the pack couldn't as well.

Let's talk about The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

2010-07-28T19:31:00.004-05:00

The late Swedish author Stieg Larsson's book Män som hatar kvinnor, the first in a trilogy, directly translates to "Men Who Hate Women." In America it's better known as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and possibly best known as The Book with the Ubiquitous Presence on Public Transportation. It's part of the zeitgeist these days, though I'd have to consult a professional trendspotter to suss out whether the book captured the public's imagination first, or if it was the film adaptation that deserves the credit. Already a hit in Europe, it proved an art-house sensation in America and an English-language adaptation is fast on its way.

Does Sweden need a pick-me-up? For decades, the country's biggest cultural contribution has been ABBA and now it's best known for gritty thrillers and bloody child vampire movies. Was the film adaptation of Mamma Mia! really that big of a blow to the national consciousness? Come to think of it, it probably was.

Even if the Swedes are glooming it up, at least they can say that the sisters are doing it for themselves. The anti-heroine of Let the Right One In was a badass little girl who could single-handedly mow down Team Jacob, and the titular Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is Europe's answer to Dexter Morgan, Lisbeth Salander. Once the U.S. adaptation hits theaters the bisexual goth hacker will be the alt-it-girl for nerds everywhere. She rides a motorcycle, never smiles, has few compunctions about burning people alive, and sucks down cigarettes like she's auditioning for Mad Men. As an empowered female, she's doubtlessly part of the work's appeal.

But how feminist is Dragon Tattoo? Taking its original title at face value, the film is actually about men who hate women, and it has them in spades. The most notable is the parole officer who first sexually assaults Salander and later rapes her. After she gets her revenge, he disappears from the action and the incident is never brought up again. Are these character-building moments for Salander? Perhaps to show that she's a tough customer, especially since she uses her body as bait. But I'm not sure how allowing herself to be raped sets her up as a strong female character. Other critics have described the scene as exploitative; I'm sticking with "makes you feel icky for having seen it."

A different sort of discomfort arises from Salander's relationship with the male protagonist. He's Mikael Blomkvist, a journalist wrongfully convicted of libel who is investigating the decades-old death of an industrialist's niece in the months before his jail sentence. Salander has been scoping him out for quite some time - she knows he'd been set up because she's hacked into his computer. When she figures he could use some help on his investigation, she sends him an email that cracks a code he hadn't figured out. Blomkvist isn't angry that he's been snooped on; rather, he enlists Salander to help him solve the murder. One can imagine the scene being reappropriated for a romantic comedy. When Amy Adams hacked into Justin Long's email, it was love at first byte! But that scenario actually isn't so different from what actually happens, since Salander up and decides to sleep with Blomkvist one night (she's on top, natch) and they become criminal investigators with benefits. She's the man in the relationship, not only because she's the sexual aggressor but because she doesn't want to cuddle afterwards. Of course, it's not hard to be the dominant partner when you're as much of a blank slate as Blomkvist. Michael Nyqvist plays him with a lack of emotion that equals Salander's but without the repressed intensity. It's hard to see what she sees in him. He's middle-aged and fairly average looking, and his bona fides as a crusading journalist are only mentioned in passing. If anything, she sleeps with him out of pity. The sexual politics of Dragon Tattoo are questionable at best.

So the eroticism is either uncomfortable or lacking and the murder mystery is fairly by-the-numbers. How to explain Dragon Tattoo's appeal? Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander. Like Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2, Rapace gives the character a smolder that compensates for what's lacking in her characterization. Assuming that Salander's complex history is gradually revealed throughout the series, it's necessary for the script to play close to the vest, but she ends up being more of a cypher than a mystery. Thanks to Rapace, she's enthralling rather than maddening. Even when she's allowing herself to be raped, or initiating ostensibly meaningless sex, we believe there's a reason for it all.

Dragon Tattoo isn't a great movie. It's a decent thriller. It's certainly a long one. It's reasonably stylish. But above all else, it's Salander's franchise. She's the reason for its rebranding, the reason why its first installment isn't about men who hate women anymore. Look at her. She's a badass. Whether the trilogy can survive on her charisma alone remains to be seen. I'd certainly like future installments to be less rapey, and I'm far from hooked. Why it's a global phenomenon, I can't tell, presence of a tatted bisexual hottie excluded, of course. As a problematic artwork, I'm ironically more interested in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo than I am with 2010's better films (Inception, Toy Story 3). I think it comes back to that title. Men Who Hate Women. I can't help but think that it refers not just to the characters but to Stieg Larsson, too.

The top 15 Mad Men moments

2010-07-21T20:08:00.002-05:00

Season 4 starts on Sunday. Here's the best of what came before:

15. “Hello. It's Dick Whitman.”
2.11 “The Jet Set”

Don Draper's excellent California adventure leads him to re-examine his life and make a phone call to an unknown person. A moment more unexpected than Guy's foot falling victim to a riding lawn mower (which will not appear in this list, just to get that out of the way).

14. Kinsey's play
1.12 “Nixon vs Kennedy”

It's hard to imagine a modern workplace dropping everything to perform a staged reading of one of its employee's plays. Most modern workplaces aren't Sterling Cooper, though, and with the entire office on an all-night bender, it's not the most implausible scenario. The scene is great for two reasons. First: it's only natural that Paul, everyone's favorite poseur dilettante intellectual, would have such undisguised contempt for Ken Cosgrove that he'd name a character in his play after him. Second: Sal's deep-mouthed kiss with Joan. The office might think he's straight, but the way Joan looks at him afterwards suggests that she realizes he doesn't kiss like other guys do.

13. “I'm Peggy Olson, and I want to smoke some marijuana.”
3.3 “My Old Kentucky Home”

No explanation necessary.

12.Greg joins the army
3.11 “The Gypsy and the Hobo”

Nobody likes Greg. He's a rapist, he doesn't have brains in his fingers, and he's A DIRTBAG RAPIST. Joan thought she was marrying up when she landed him; as it turns out, she's infinitely more capable than he ever was. But it's hard not to feel for the douchebag when he unwittingly signs his death certificate and joins the army as a medic. For him, it's a sure-fire way to redeem himself after failing as a surgeon. He can't see the Vietnam War rearing it's ugly head in the distance. We know better, and it seems almost inevitable that he'll end his run on the show in a body bag. Poor bastard.

11. Betty Draper will pop a cap in your ass
1.9 “Shoot”

Every bored suburban housewife secretly longs to ditch the ennui, pick up a shotgun, and blow away everything that moves. For Betty Draper, the weapon is a pellet gun and the target merely her neighbor's birds, but for once in her life she holds all the cards. The cig in her mouth makes it even more awesome.

10. Finger. Bang.
1.3 “The Benefactor”

Cable TV's antiheroes are so extreme these days that Don Draper looks like Kenneth the Page simply by the virtue of not having murdered anyone. It's easy to forget that he's a serial philanderer and identity thief. Early in the second season, Don is in the midst of fighting a battle on two fronts: his health and mojo are diminishing while cougar prototype Bobbi Barrett is out-maneuvering him sexually. Don's only solution is to tackle both problems head-on and... forcibly shove his fingers up Bobbi's lady business. It's an ugly act, made more bizarre by the completely plausible possibility that Bobbi, who's got some surprisingly perverse kinks, may have actually enjoyed it. At the very least, it inspired Mark Lisanti's glorious Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level.

9. Sal channels Ann-Margaret
3.4 “The Arrangements”

I'm a full-fledged member of Team Sal. In Mad Men's initial episodes he was a cookie-cutter closeted queen, but he soon became one of the show's most tragic figures and I've been rooting for him to land a decent guy ever since. It's never explained why he married Kitty, though it's safe to assume that he needed a beard to avoid being labeled a “confirmed bachelor.” The two seem perfectly compatible, but it's obvious that there's zero romantic sparks. It's never more apparent than in “The Arrangements,” when Sal describes the commercial he's directing in horrific detail to Kitty. He impersonates Ann-Margaret's dance at the beginning of Bye Bye Birdie with far more precision and enthusiasm than a straight man could ever muster. Even worse – the look on Kitty's face shows that he's putting more effort into it than he's ever put into their marriage.

8. Harry Crane's heel turn
2.8 “A Night to Remember”

Harry Crane's fledgeling television department needs help faster than a new hire is available, so he turns to Joan to pick up some slack. She's better at doing research than anyone expects, and for once clients love her for her work instead of her curves. But a promotion isn't in her future – one day she enters Harry's office to see him engaging in 1960's bro banter with Danny, her replacement. It's a pivotal moment for her. She'd done everything that had been expected of her as head of the secretaries (namely, an affair with Roger Sterling) and then landed herself a doctor so she could spend the rest of her days lounging as a housewife. She never realized her full potential until it was too late. It's an even more pivotal moment for Harry. Before, he'd been the only responsible member of Sterling Cooper's cadre of frat brothers, a nice guy, a family man. Afterwards, he's the hapless doofus who can't do anything right. And that includes disregarding Joan to introduce yet another cad into Sterling Cooper's boys' club.

7. So long, Chauncey
2.6 “Maidenform”

Duck has oscillated between villainous and tough-but-fair throughout his entire run on Mad Men. It's possible that he's the man Don Draper will be in ten years' time: recovering alcoholic with a broken family who can't coast on his good looks and charm anymore. But more about that “alcoholic” part. It's taking a lot for Duck to stay on the wagon in Sterling Cooper's booze-soaked confines. He'd love to succumb to temptation late one night, if not for the soulful eyes of Chauncey, the (former) family dog that he's now got sole possession of. It's the Irish Setter versus the bottle, but only one of them ends up left to fend for itself on Madison Ave after Duck heartlessly walks it out of the building.

6. Pete's fantasy
1.7 “Red in the Face”

Pete's having a bad day. Trying to return that damn chip-and-dip to the department store was bad enough, but his wife berating him for the rifle he exchanged it for was worse. First Cosgrove gets a story published in The Atlantic, and now this. There's only one person Pete can confide to, and that's Peggy. He proceeds to narrate a ridiculous macho-man fantasy about shooting a deer, dressing it, and then going home to his log cabin so his wife can cook it for him. Any sane person would be weirded out, but Peggy looks like she soaked her panties. Inexplicably flush with passion, she runs to the lunch cart to devour her feelings.

5. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce
3.13 “Shut the Door. Have a Seat.”

The final half-hour of Mad Men's third season finale is so triumphant that it verges on fan service. With their jobs in jeopardy, Don, Roger, and Cooper go rogue and start their own advertising agency. Lane Pryce sticks it to the company that never cared about him and joins them. Don tells Pete everything he has wanted to hear to get him to come aboard, and finally treats Peggy like a human being to lure her over. Harry is plucked out of necessity, and when the team needs somebody to go through Sterling Cooper's files, why not bring Joan back into the fold? The episode ends at SCDP's temporary new home, a cramped hotel room, with everyone present. Even Trudy shoes up with lunches for the whole group – and a cake! The only things missing are Sal, Chuancey, and a unicorn. Yes, it's one big happy family. Although he's only ¼ of the agency name, Don's the father figure: Pryce and Cooper are the grandfatherly patriarchs, and Roger is the crazy uncle.

But just as he's gained one family, he's lost another. Betty is heading towards Las Vegas, where she'll establish residency and eventually divorce Don and marry Henry Francis if everything goes according to plan. Don leaving Sterling Cooper was a necessary career move, but it forced him into the tried and true Dick Whitman tactic of pulling up stakes and hobo-ing on to the next greener pasture. Roy Orbison's crooning over the closing credits mirrors Don's hopes: “in the future you will find a love that lasts.” Maybe one day he will.

4 and 3. Littering and “Everything I wanted”
2.7 “The Gold Violin”

Mad Men's early episodes laid the “hey, weren't the sixties crazy!” aspect of the show on a little thick. Two seasons later, people still hate women and smoke while pregnant, but it's not as pronounced. The picnic scene in “The Gold Violin” verges on ham-fisted when the Draper family nonchalantly chucks their trash onto the park grass, but the scene is more than a look at a world before environmental movements. It's a perfect metaphor for their behavior. Don and Betty are perpetually short on empathy, especially towards their loved ones. The scene is perversely attentive: Betty shakes the billowing picnic blanket out, trash scatters everywhere, and the family jets off in their shiny new car all in one perfectly-framed take.

Don Draper gets away with his “littering” because nobody calls him out on it. Nobody except Jimmy Barrett later in the episode. Sure, Don's been having his way with Bobbi Barrett on a regular basis for a while now, but how can Jimmy complain? Don's given him everything he wanted. And yet, “you know what I like about you? Nothing.” Don, ever with a sense of entitlement, is baffled.

The coup de gras comes in the closing seconds of the episode, when during a silent car ride home, Betty vomits over the new car's interior. Perfect.

2. A Dishonest Man Lives Here
1.8 “The Hobo Code”

Mad Men has never gone wrong with a flashback to the Whitman years. “The Hobo Code” shows us how much of Don's childhood sucked, which is pretty much all of it. Don was a whore-child and Archibald Whitman was a jerk, so naturally young Dick Whitman identifies more with a passing hobo than with his family. The hobo even teaches him some symbols fellow hobos use – the code of the title. After Archie goes back on his promise to pay the hobo, Dick notices a sign carved on the Whitman's fence, one that stands for “a dishonest man lives here.” Perhaps Don needs to have marijuana-fueled flashbacks more often, because these memories of his childhood make him momentarily realize that he's a crap father, and he tells his son that he'll never lie to him. Fat chance. As long as he goes by “Don Draper” he'll always be a fraud, and he knows it. So when he arrives at work the next morning, and the final shot of the episode lingers on the name on his office door, it's clear that “Donald Draper” is just another symbol for “a dishonest man lives here.”

1. The best pitch he ever made
1.13 “The Wheel”

At the start of the first season finale, Don is predictably trying to avoid spending time with his family. Now that he's partner at Sterling Cooper, he's swamped with work and can't visit Betty's family for Thanksgiving along with her and the kids. I understand not wanting to spend time with Betty's relatives, but still. The man's had two affairs over the course of a season, it's clear that family isn't his first priority. Family does, however, make for a great pitch. In need of an ad campaign for Kodak's new slide wheel, Don comes up with calling it a “carousel.” As he narrates while the projector shows pictures of the Draper family in happier times, the carousel lets us go around and back again “to a place where we know we are loved.” It's such a good pitch that it brings Harry – who regretted his sole act of infidelity the second after it occurred – to tears.

It's a good scene but it's really just a setup for the show's biggest gut punch. Now that Don finally realizes what love, family, and compassion are all about, he rushes home, greets Betty, hugs the kids, and announces that he'll be joining them for the holidays.

Just kidding, that was a fantasy. Betty's suspicion that Don has been having an affair was all but confirmed once she saw the numbers on his phone bill. She's already left for her parents' house and she took the kids too. It's just Don and the empty house. Don sits on the stairs with his head in his hands, perhaps thinking about the pitch so good that even he believed it.

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist Power Rankings (7/14)

2010-07-14T22:42:00.003-05:00

Is it fair to do power rankings when nobody comes off good in an episode?

Whatever.

1. Abdi
2. Nicole
3. Miles
4. Mark
5. Ryan
6. Jaclyn
7. Peregrine

Honorary 8th place goes to the judges. Simon, you're awesome. Keep doing your thing. Everyone else can GTFO my television. Hell, send in Tom and Padma while you're at it. I can't think of anything substantial the judges have added all season. What's miraculous about Top Chef is how you can get a sense of how a dish succeeds or fails even though you're unable to taste it. In Work of Art we see the art, experience it, and react to it, but the judges contribute absolutely nothing.

The Triumphant Return of Top Chef Power Rankings

2010-07-14T21:03:00.002-05:00

1. Kenny
2. Kelly
3. Angelo
4. Tiffany
5. Andrea
6. Tamesha
7. Kevin
8. Alex
9. Ed
10. Amanda
11. Stephen

There's a sizable gap - nay, a chasm - in between the top three and the rest of the competition. Even with five episodes under their belts, some of the cheftestants have yet to prove themselves. Case in point: Tamesha, who has won a Quickfire challenge but has yet to place in the top or bottom in the Elimination Challenges. Kevin has appeared in the top and bottom twice apiece. Alex started out with a strong placement but has done little of note since. Perhaps being saddled with Ed the past two episodes has caused him to plateau but it's equally likely that he's just an okay chef. Conversely, Andrea has been strong lately but how much of that success is due to her pairing with Kelly? Even Kenny, clearly one of the better competitors, has appeared in the bottom group twice.

At this point, the only certainty is who doesn't have the culinary chops. Stephen has done little all season, and I'll never be able to take Amanda seriously after the sherry incident in the second episode. Other than that, though, the it's a crapshoot. Even Ed pulled out a Quickfire victory. This isn't Season 6.

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist Power Rankings (6/30)

2010-07-01T23:27:00.002-05:00

1. Abdi
2. Miles
3. Mark
4. Nicole
5. Ryan
6. Peregrine
7. Jamie Lynn
8. Jaclyn
9. Erik

There's a bit of a drop in quality between Miles and Mark (nothing against Mark, but he has yet to really prove himself), and a much steeper one between Mark and the rest of the artists.

Spots 4-6 are more or less a crapshoot. I like Jamie Lynn's pieces as individual works but they never seem to fit right to the constraints of the challenges. Erik keeps living to die another day. I don't buy Jaclyn's schtick. The judges might have fallen for her latest piece, but I'd do what she did too if I were a hot slender young woman with big fake boobs.

For the time being, this is a two man race. Miles seems to be treating the entire show as a performance, creating a wonderfully nutty character for himself in the process. Abdi appears to be an all-around talented guy, and he's genuine, whereas Miles' act has the possibility of imploding on itself.

Pixar Power Rankings

2010-07-01T23:20:00.002-05:00

1. The Incredibles
2. Wall-E
3. Finding Nemo
4/5. Toy Story/Toy Story 2
6. Monsters, Inc
7. Up
8. Toy Story 3
9. Ratatouille
10. A Bug's Life
11. Cars

Discuss.

Killers could have the worst poster ever.

2010-05-12T21:03:00.002-05:00

http://www.impawards.com/2010/killers_ver3.html

From the trailer: Ashton Kutcher is a spy, and Katherine Heigl is a normal lady who falls in love with him.

Kutcher somehow found some time away from tweeting to pose for a photo. He looks like he's whining about how he can't borrow the car to go to the movies with his pals but at least he's trying to convey an emotion.

Heigl, on the other hand. Yikes. I'm confused, did her performance in Knocked Up fool people into thinking she could act? I'm not sure what kind of emotions she's trying to channel. She's a Barbie doll crossed with Vanna White crossed with a '50s housewife. All she's missing is a pearl necklace and a pot roast. A human being never looked more plastic.

It's a terrible, horrible poster. And yet, like a train wreck or Christina Hendricks, I can't look away. Maybe because I see the ads for it on the train every day. Or maybe because it's so horribly misguided it transcends mere badness. There is no possible way this poster could make anyone want to watch this movie, and yet it exists.

Speaking of superheroes... (a public domain adventure)

2010-05-09T22:34:00.003-05:00

A few days ago I watched Attack from Space. It's a pretty crappy movie, which is why I bought it, but I didn't know it would be that crappy. I also learned a valuable lesson: never buy anything in the public domain.

It's not worth going into detail about the movie other than that the hero is played by a decidedly average guy. The English version labels him "Starman" but to the Japanese, he's "Giant of Steel." No wonder we make fun of these guys for being ill-endowed.

Because he's made out of steel, or whatever, he's more or less invincible, which leads to some rather one-sided fight scenes. These are the only real reason to watch the movie. Well, they're the only scenes worth watching period, so just skip to them. You don't even have to watch them all the way through, since they're basically ten minutes of the same lame moves (can you tell that I hated this movie?).

It's in these scenes that we realize why Superman doesn't pack heat. If he did, he'd be a dick. There's no bigger way to be a douche than to flex your nonexistent muscles, laugh, and then cap the dumbass who keeps emptying rounds into you even though it clearly has no effect. And bear in mind, we are SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR THIS GUY.

In conclusion, go to the 57 minute mark and check out the crap on display. Never before have I understood the true meaning of the words "I watched this so you didn't have to."

Let's talk about Iron Man 2.

2010-05-09T20:39:00.002-05:00

Iron Man 2. Or as I like to call it, Tony Stark.

An indestructible superhero isn't a lot of fun. Neither is a superhero whose main power is just an arsenal of weapons. And it's a stretch to believe that the director of Elf could film a good action scene. Realizing these limitations, and that Robert Downey Jr was the best thing about the first movie, Iron Man 2 keeps Tony Stark out of action as much as possible. It's a logical choice, albeit a somewhat disappointing one.

Do any other public identities overshadow their alter egos? It's hard to get worked up over the existing laundry list of Bruce Waynes and Clark Kents, but I'd watch an entire movie of an average day in the life of Tony Stark. Iron Man isn't fun, he's the serious guy who has to care about world peace.

That's one of the biggest problems about Iron Man 2. One of the original movie's strengths was its focus on Tony Stark's character arc. He starts the film caring only about himself, his fancy toys, and whatever woman he'll be spending the night with. At the film's end, he's discovered the value of altruism and monogamy. He's still a self-indulgent jackass, but his heart is in the right place. Iron Man had a cocktail of four writers, though; two worked on Children of Men, the other two worked on Punisher: War Zone, and that mix of highbrow and lowbrow reflects Tony's character at the end of the movie. Justin Theroux, who was not one of those writers, is the only credited writer on Iron Man 2, and under his watch Tony has regressed. He might gallantly express the dignity of keeping the Iron Man suit away from the meddling hands of the corrupt U.S. government but there's no indication that he actually means it. His chief concerns are still chasing tail and Stark Industries' bottom line. His motivations don't form an arc so much as a series of loop-de-loops. One second he's pondering his inevitable death, the next he's a full-blown alcoholic. It's fine for Stark to have self-destructive impulses but he hasn't earned them (it's okay, though, they disappear halfway through the film).

So story isn't Iron Man 2's strong suit (no pun intended). Fortunately, the cast is loaded. We all know that Robert Downey Jr is brilliant, but it's surprising how well Gwyneth Paltrow bounces off of him as his secretary. She's more than capable of going toe-to-toe with him in their rapid fire exchanges. That Sam Rockwell would turn in a good performance as one of the film's two villains is not a surprise, but it's still amazing how good he is. He's the anti-Stark, just as loquacious and showboating but without a conscience or self-awareness. Mickey Rourke, on the other hand, hardly says a word as Ivan Vanko, but he looks and acts the part of a hardened criminal to a tee.

Despite what I've said, I do recommend Iron Man 2. It's not as good as the original but given other recent blockbuster sequels, you could do much worse.

Loose ends:

- I am still tickled pink thinking about John Slattery's role. Though as Howard Stark he's a weapons manufacturer and government contractor, he's clearly meant to resemble Walt Disney.

- At first I thought that Stark saying The Avengers couldn't afford his services was a meta-reference to casting the upcoming Avengers movie, but Wikipedia says Downey will in fact be part of the cast.

- Other than a swank paycheck, Terrence Howard didn't miss much by not reprising his role as Rhodey. Don Cheadle certainly looks the part but he turns in a joyless performance and is mostly relegated to the sidelines.

- Scarlett Johansson has a rather average-looking face but she continues to make the most of it. Rawr.

Let's talk about Gamer.

2010-04-26T21:42:00.004-05:00

The "Most Dangerous Game" conceit is, disappointingly, hard to pull off. The Running Man came out nearly 25 years ago, and nobody has been able to top it since. Hard Target is very entertaining but doesn't quite fit the criteria, Surviving the Game is low-rent from top to bottom, and Battle Royale is disappointing once you get past the initial shock of the premise. I haven't seen Death Race because it looks like a half-hearted remake of the highly entertaining original, and I haven't seen The Condemned because I find it hard to get excited for a WWE Films production.

When I saw the trailer for Gamer, it looked like a can't-miss trashy pleasure. It offered a novel twist on the concept: a kill-or-be-killed first person shooter, only with real people being controlled instead of digital avatars. Directors Neveldine/Taylor (yes, that's how they're credited) were responsible for the notorious Crank films. And my God, the cast! King Leonidas, Dexter, Dexter's Texas accent, Ludacris, the Closer, President Camacho, Peter Petrelli, Q, John Leguizamo, Zoe Bell, Alison Lohman, and Keith David. You couldn't assemble a more random cast with a blind man and a Los Angeles phone book.

Yet Gamer still manages to disappoint.

The trickiest part is the protagonist. Current American cinema lacks a traditional blockbuster action star, making Gerard Butler the poor man's equivalent of someone who doesn't exist. Butler is a vacuum of charisma, and the script doesn't give him anything to do besides shoot people and glower. In fact, it's hard to remember him having anything more than a handful of dialogue. The supporting cast gives it their all (special credit goes to Milo Ventimiglia's bug-eyed turn as "Rick Rape") but the results are hit and miss. Nobody buys Ludacris as the leader of a cabal of underground hackers, and the film's other two African-American characters are prototypical Scary Black Men. The kid who "plays" as Butler's character isn't heroic enough to admire or annoyingly immature to hate. Michael C. Hall's villain is painted in colossal strokes, but is so over the top he's practically sitting on the screen. In fact, the overall aesthetic isn't pulp or cheese so much as weirdness.

There's barley any semblance of storytelling, as well. Butler's in-game missions are a blur of hyperkinetic action devoid of any suspense, thus deflating his supposedly superhuman feat of enduring nearly 30 of them. Neveldine/Taylor wrote the script too, and inject some mild satire into the proceedings but it largely falls flat. Anything else they have to say about technology and society is uninspired (the film includes the obligatory horny male landwhale whose avatar is a sexy woman). Gamer's territory is so well-trod that the filmmakers think that if they zest things up with a song-and-dance number, nifty camera tricks, ADD editing, and a few lines of wacky dialogue, they can get away with sleepwalking through everything else.

At some point we need to remind ourselves that the era of cheese ended sometime in the mid-90's and will never return. Dark, gritty, and realistic is the prevailing aesthetic. That's certainly not a bad thing. God knows I don't want to watch another Batman and Robin. A modicum of credit goes to Neveldine/Taylor for thinking outside the box with a more-is-more philosophy that, unlike Michael Bay, they don't attempt to legitimize as respectable art. I've bumped Crank up on my Netflix queue with the hope that a qualified badass like Jason Statham as the lead helps the material. Making a solid, balls-to-the-wall action film isn't the most dangerous game, but it may be the hardest.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand - "Kill Them All"

2010-04-19T20:57:00.002-05:00

In its previous 12 hours, Spartacus: Blood and Sand featured disembowelments, dismemberments, statutory rape, crucifixion, castration, full frontal nudity from both genders, and every sexual act imaginable. Only this show could end its first season with a massacre and be somewhat low-key. All games of one-upmanship must come to an end.

And yet, how could one be disappointed? Spartacus knows what its viewers want and it delivers. The last words spoken in the season's penultimate episode are "kill them all." The title of the finale is "Kill Them All." In the finale, Spartacus and his fellow enslaved gladiators trap dozens of upper class Capuans and proceed to kill them all. Lost piled question upon question in its first five seasons and is just getting around to answering most of them in its final one. Not only did the characters on Heroes have inexplicably changing motivations from episode to episode, they also never stayed dead. On Spartacus, the evil characters are Evil and when their throats are slit they will most certainly not appear in the second season.

How about that death toll? Everybody got a piece of the action, even the ladies. Mira kills a guard, Aurelia kills Numerius - only Lost features a more homicidal cast, and while the characters on Caprica inhabit several moral shades of grey, few of them personally kill anyone. Revenge dirties everyone's soul, it seems. Either that or damn these be some badass/crazy chicks! Spartacus probably leans more towards the latter. Meanwhile, the episode's most satisfying callback sees Spartacus and Crixus recreate the shield-jumping maneuver that took down Theokoles. Only this time, Spartacus plunges his sword through the head of some aristocrat in order to begin the rebellion. Crixus' eventual partnership with Spartacus was never in doubt, so why not kick it off in the most badass way possible. The episode ends with the promise of more badassery to come, as Spartacus denounces slavery and vows to fight so that all men may be free, or something like that. He's only cared about himself in the past so his new zeal to end servitude is more of a convenient rallying cry than anything else, but I'll look past it as long as it gives him (and Crixus and Doctore) reason to slaughter more Romans.

RIP Batiatus. You're in a better place now, one where the Gods no longer spread cheeks but to ram cock in ass. Your death is disappointing - who will chew the scenery now? - but it was inevitable and necessary. John Hannah won't get any Emmy consideration for his work, but goddamn he was fun to watch. Lucretia won't be around any longer either, robbing the show of its two most interesting villains. We'll still have two-faced Ashur though, and hopefully Ilithyia will find new ways to be the biggest bitch in all of Rome, get naked, and explore her pseudo-lesbian tendencies.

Speaking of which: let's talk about Spartacus as pulp. Show creator Steven DeKnight lamented on his Twitter page that critics didn't understand "the difference between 'camp' and 'pulp.'" Spartacus is most certainly pulp, a genre that deserves to make a comeback if only because it offers something for everybody. There's nothing wrong with camp but it's often effeminate and swishy, or too self-parodic to be truly fun or funny. Pulp is purely pleasure-driven so it caters to every whim.

Your future is in limbo, Spartacus, but worry not for you'll be near to my heart. You offered gratuitous violence, abundant nudity, and absolutely no moral. Quite often you were terrible, but you were never boring. Truly, this is the new Golden Age of Television.

The Spartacus Finale Will Be Sick as Hell

2010-04-11T21:12:00.002-05:00

I've been silent about Starz' Spartacus: Blood and Sand since I effusively praised its premiere episode. There no point in reviewing it on a week-by-week basis because as a purely plot-driven show with scant thematic depth, there's little to analyze.

There's nothing wrong with being a plot-driven show, of course, especially when the storylines converge extraordinarily well. Such was the case with the other week's episode, "Party Favors." You'd have to be an idiot to think that Numerius' birthday party would go without a hitch, and with how the show emphasized the friendship between Spartacus and Varro so thickly, I'm amazed I didn't see Varro's death coming a mile away. And Ilithyia's plot to have Spartacus kill Varro isn't as far-fetched as it seems - she'd spent enough time at the games and the ludus to know that Spartacus and Varro were friends, and if she bribed Numerius with sex he'd cut off his own arm, let alone replace Crixus with Varro and command Spartacus to kill him. Most episodes of Spartacus seem as if the writers started with controversial plot points - "let's have a guy get castrated, and then we'll crucify him!" - and worked backwards from there, but "Party Favors" demonstrated that they had some epic story arcs in mind. In a show awash with miscreants, Varro was one of the few sympathetic characters. Who wouldn't want to see Spartacus avenge his death?

While the most recent episode, "Revelations" wasn't as satisfying as "Party Favors" as a whole, its final ten minutes pointed every arc of the season towards one glorious collision. You'd need a flow chart to decipher all the individual conflicts, which are too densely layered to bother summarizing. But suffice it to say that each character is pissed off at at least one other character while simultaneously beholden to him/her.

The episode's most stunning revelation, though, was that the show has finally figured out how to treat Spartacus himself. I've never been impressed with Andy Whitfield; he fulfills the Sam Worthington role of a buff attractive guy that interesting things happen to (despite my disrespect for Whitfield's talent, I do wish him the best in his recovery from cancer). Imagine trying to describe Spartacus to someone who'd never seen the show before. He's a good fighter, although primarily against substandard competition (remember, he got an assist from Crixus in his win against Theokoles). Otherwise he isn't particularly noble, or bright, or charismatic. Batiatus is apoplectic, Ilithyia is an ice queen, Crixus is hulking, Doctore has presence, and so on. Spartacus is just... there. When he singlehandedly takes down a handful of Glaber's finest soldiers, he's finally used to perfection. He hardly says a word, dishes out some sweet violence, and when forced to kneel before his nemesis, realizes how to put the odds in his favor. With Glaber as Batiatus' patron, Spartacus has the two men he hates most dead in his sights.

Whether he knew then that he'd have the support of his fellow gladiators is up for debate. But now Doctore and Crixus have reason to stick it to Batiatus and the Romans are, to use the show's verbiage, spreading everyone's cheeks to ram cock in ass. Since one slave attacking his master is cause to put them all down, why not let everyone have a slice of the action? Spartacus telegraphs the episode's final words - "kill them all" - well before he speaks them and I can't help but wonder if the writers intended for it to happen. Given all the betrayals, backstabbings, and injustices, anticipating Spartacus to say those words is as sweet as hearing them.

It's uncertain how much of its prodigious wad Spartacus will blow in the season's final episode. Looking to history (by which I mean Wikipedia) as a guide, there's a big slave rebellion looming in the distance. It's inevitable that some vengeance against the House of Batiatus will take place, and at least one main character has to die. But Batiatus is far too entertaining of a character to lose and Lucretia is preggo (I'll gladly take Ashur's death as a consolation prize). And besides, Spartacus has to rally the slaves around his cause first. Killing them all probably won't happen just yet. But this is Spartacus. The show has so much blood, it should get top billing. Shit is going to go down. And given how the last episode ended (how great was it to see Spartacus bludgeon a guy using the handle of his broken sword?) it's going to be fucking awesome.

Lost Madness: the Final Four and Championships

2010-04-05T19:15:00.003-05:00

FINAL FOUR

(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black

Faraday's luck has to end at some point. Smokey is too formidable.

(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer

Sawyer's crafty but Locke's wise.

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

(1) Locke vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black

Let's ignore the fact that, at this moment, they're sort of one and the same. Smokey might be mysterious and badass, but Locke is one of the show's most compelling characters and emotional cores. Given the revelations of the last season finale, he's also one of its most tragic figures. I challenge you to find anyone who isn't happy that things are finally going well for him in his flash sideways, or who doesn't hope that even when possessed by the Man in Black, redemption is still a possibility.

Lost Madness: Sweet 16 and Elite 8

2010-04-03T16:44:00.002-05:00

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (4) Faraday
(2) Juliet vs (6) Lapidus

Jack may be the central character but he'll always be remembered for making faces, popping pills while yelling at Kate, and "Stranger in a Strange Land" whereas Faraday will always be remembered as Desmond's constant. Lapidus, meanwhile, can only go so far.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (5) Richard Alpert
(2) Ben vs (3) Desmond

Sometimes seeding isn't fair; Locke, Ben, and Desmond could easily be 3/4 of the Final Four. As it stands, though, only one of them will make it. Locke over Alpert is a bit of a no-brainer but the other face-off is a dilemma. My heart says Desmond but my brain says Ben (and even my heart has a soft spot for everyone's favorite manipulator). Something feels right about picking Ben, though. He's too devious to go home this early.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (4) Claire
(2) Hurley vs (3) Charlie

Sawer's victory doesn't take much thought, but how can one choose between the most lovable of the Losties and the guy who sacrificed himself to save them? In the end, I have to go with the dude.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(2) Sayid vs (6) Miles

We all like Miles but an audience surrogate has no chance agaist an Iraqi torturer. And Kate is Kate.

Now we do it all over again:

ISLAND REGIONAL

(4) Faraday vs (2) Juliet

Both have major sympathy points for dying before their time and being involved in doomed romances, but Faraday wins by a nose. People just darn like the guy. If it's any consolation, Juliet, you're the strongest female character on the show.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (2) Ben

Ben bested Locke once before but history won't repeat itself, especially now that Locke has been smoke-ified.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (2) Hurley

Both can spin a mean catchphrase but Sawyer could pull a long con on us any day.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (2) Sayid

Smokey's finishing strong, whereas Sayid's best days were at the beginning of the series.

That's all for today. Join me later for the Final Four, which is now set in stone:

(4) Faraday vs (4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black
(1) Locke vs (1) Sawyer

Lost Madness: the opening rounds

2010-03-31T21:38:00.005-05:00

I predict that the first round will be pretty boring.

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (16) Bram
(2) Juliet vs (15) Polar Bear
(3) Sun vs (14) U.S. Marshal Edward Mars
(4) Faraday vs (13) Naomi
(5) Boone vs (12) Roger Linus
(6) Lapidus vs (11) Horace Goodspeed
(7) Jacob vs (10) Mikhael
(8) Libby vs (9) Ilana

Jacob may be powerful, but he's pretty bland for a deity and may or may not be jerking everybody's chain. Mikhael has an eyepatch and is hard to kill. I know my choice.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (16) Mr. Paik
(2) Ben vs (15) Goodwin
(3) Desmond vs (14) Cindy
(4) Michael vs (13) Arzt
(5) Richard Alpert vs (12) Paolo
(6) Ana Lucia vs (11) Vincent
(7) Christian Shephard vs (10) Keamy
(8) Bernard vs (9) Widmore

Poor Michael got saddled with the "WAAAALT" storyline, which is actually worse than being blown up by dynamite. Although come to think of it, they both got blown up. Christian Shephard is an intriguing enigma, but I've enjoyed Kevin Durand's performance (much more so than when he was on the island) in the flash sidways so much that he gets the edge. I have nothing against good old Bernard, but Widmore's role in the last few episodes will be too huge to ignore.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (16) Dogen
(2) Hurley vs (15) Karl
(3) Charlie vs (14) Abbadon
(4) Claire vs (13) Aaron
(5) Shannon vs (12) Nikki
(6) Walt vs (11) Radzinsky
(7) Rousseau vs (10) Pierre Chang
(8) Rose vs (9) Alex Rousseau

Think we'll ever see Walt again? I almost gave Radzinsky the win, to be honest. He's the kind of asshole you like to see taken down a notch. But part of me holds out hope that we'll find out what made Walt "special." And I'm sorry, Rose, but Tania Raymonde is hot. Plus, I remember her from her small role on Malcolm in the Middle.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (16) Pickett
(2) Sayid vs (15) Nadia
(3) Jin vs (14) Sarah Shephard
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (13) Phil
(5) Mr. Eko vs (12) Ethan Rom
(6) Miles vs (11) Eloise Hawking
(7) Charlotte vs (10) Tom Friendly
(8) Penny vs (9) Anthony Cooper

Our first upset-free round. Even the presence of Jimmy Barrett can't get me to shake things up a bit.

As for round two...

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (8) Libby
(2) Juliet vs (10) Mikhael
(3) Sun vs (6) Lapidus
(4) Faraday vs (5) Boone

This round favors the higher seeds even more than the last round. I have both Sun and Jin bowing out here. Nothing against them, but they're just Desmond and Penny with better cheekbones and less English.

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (9) Widmore
(2) Ben vs (10) Keamy
(3) Desmond vs (6) Ana Lucia
(5) Richard Alpert vs (13) Arzt

Locke vs Widmore and Ben vs Keamy? Couldn't have planned it better if I'd tried.

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (9) Alex Rousseau
(2) Hurley vs (7) Rousseau
(3) Charlie vs (6) Walt
(4) Claire vs (5) Shannon

*Yawn* Claire against Shannon is the battle of useless blondes.

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (8) Penny
(2) Sayid vs (7) Charlotte
(3) Jin vs (6) Miles
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (5) Mr. Eko

Even my preference for redheads isn't enough to put Charlotte over Sayid. And Mr. Eko should've had a better run than this - but you can't fault him for once again falling to Smokey.

Lost Madness: the bracket

2010-03-30T21:29:00.002-05:00

Before I start, I should note that This Is Endless did its own Lost bracket, and it's not a bad one. But it's only 32 characters so there's a little room for improvement. I go big or go home. Without further ado, it's time to present my own list of candidates.

ISLAND REGIONAL

(1) Jack vs (16) Bram
(2) Juliet vs (15) Polar Bear
(3) Sun vs (14) U.S. Marshal Edward Mars
(4) Faraday vs (13) Naomi
(5) Boone vs (12) Roger Linus
(6) Lapidus vs (11) Horace Goodspeed
(7) Jacob vs (10) Mikhael
(8) Libby vs (9) Ilana

LOS ANGELES REGIONAL

(1) Locke vs (16) Mr. Paik
(2) Ben vs (15) Goodwin
(3) Desmond vs (14) Cindy
(4) Michael vs (13) Arzt
(5) Richard Alpert vs (12) Paolo
(6) Ana Lucia vs (11) Vincent
(7) Christian Shephard vs (10) Keamy
(8) Bernard vs (9) Widmore

SYDNEY REGIONAL

(1) Sawyer vs (16) Dogen
(2) Hurley vs (15) Karl
(3) Charlie vs (14) Abbadon
(4) Claire vs (13) Aaron
(5) Shannon vs (12) Nikki
(6) Walt vs (11) Radzinsky
(7) Rousseau vs (10) Pierre Chang
(8) Rose vs (9) Alex Rousseau

ANN ARBOR REGIONAL

(1) Kate vs (16) Pickett
(2) Sayid vs (15) Nadia
(3) Jin vs (14) Sarah Shephard
(4) The Smoke Monster/Man in Black vs (13) Phil
(5) Mr. Eko vs (12) Ethan Rom
(6) Miles vs (11) Eloise Hawking
(7) Charlotte vs (10) Tom Friendly
(8) Penny vs (9) Anthony Cooper

First four out: Caesar, Helen Norwood, Frogurt, David Reyes

This is a snake-seeded bracket, so that the strongest #1 seed plays the weakest #2 seed and so on. Characters portrayed by the Smoke Monster count as that character. Preference in seeding is given to the number of episodes a character has appeared in, with weighting so that fan favorites and those from earlier seasons get higher placement.

I like some of my flukey first-round pairings; Sayid vs Nadia and Claire vs Aaron are entirely coincidental.

Lost, March Madness style: an introduction

2010-03-24T23:16:00.003-05:00

March means tournaments. Besides the NCAA men's basketball tournament, RedEye just started its annual Best TV Character Tournament, and it got me to thinking about the Road to Springfield tournament many years back to crown the best Simpsons supporting character (the site doesn't exit anymore, sadly). In turn, I started thinking about whether a similar tournament could be done using characters from Lost.

It turns out that I wasn't the first person to think up such a diversion. The Washington Post held "Lost Madness" in 2008. The only problem, as any good bracketologist could tell you, was the way they seeded everybody: Hurley vs Sawyer and Jin vs Sun are ludicrous first round match-ups. The show has also introduced a few new characters who could possibly make an impact.

Clearly, there needs to be a course correction.

Since I can't garner the votes necessary for a proper tournament, I'm going to do a mock tournament of Lost's characters, with a properly-seeded bracket that follows the regulations of the NCAA tournament. Upsets won't be as likely, since I'm calling the shots and there isn't much to leave to fate unless I decide an unusually evenly-matched contest with a coin flip. But I think there could be plenty of opportunities for surprises - I'm determining seeding mostly by the number of episodes a character has appeared in, so somebody like Mr. Eko or Faraday could easily sneak into a high round.

It's time to determine our own Candidate.

Pre-Oscar Thoughts

2010-03-07T12:11:00.004-06:00

Man, I haven't even filled out my Oscar ballot yet. Then again, it's not exactly like filling out your bracket for March Madness. It's even harder to get excited for Best Short Film, Live Action than it is for Kansas vs. the play-in game winner.

Where to begin... I haven't seen any of the Best Documentary nominees, though I'm sure that will change at some point. Food, Inc. is on Netflix Instant Viewing so I'll probably watch it eventually, and one of the other films may catch my eye too. The only problem is that they aren't always released on DVD right away and I lose interest. I liked A Matter of Loaf and Death but it's one of the lesser Wallace and Gromit shorts so there is likely a more deserving nominee in the animated short category. Haven't seen any of the foreign language films, go figure.

Best Animated Feature Film. Up would have to be a lock to win; if it's the only animated film included amongst the Best Picture nominees, it's ostensibly the best animated film. It's no Wall-E, but it's another solid Pixar film. Coraline looked great, and I'm all for more stop-animated films, but its story was a little lacking. I haven't seen any of the other nominees. My personal favorite is actually Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, which exceeded all of my expectations. And yes, I do think it's better than Up.

Chalk one up for Avatar for best special effects. For all of its faults, it deserves every technical nomination it gets.

I have heard precisely zero of the nominees for best song. The past few winners have been solid, though. "Jai Ho," "Falling Slowly," and even "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" were stellar choices.

Nothing really sticks out for best score, so I'll give the nod to Michael Giacchino for Up even though I preferred his work on Star Trek. Other scores of note: Christopher Young's work on Drag Me to Hell, Adrian Younge for Black Dynamite, and Mark Mothersbaugh for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

Browsing through more of the technical awards... hard to get worked up about any of these. Sherlock Holmes got a few nominations. Were any of 2009's blockbusters more forgettable?

Up in the Air is all but assured of winning best adapted screenplay, although the description of the book on Wikipedia sounds more interesting than the movie was. I'm championing In the Loop - my pick for the best film of last year - although it has no chance of winning. Is there any part of that script they can actually air on network television? Best original screenplay I'd give to Inglourious Basterds out of default. Funny to see Up nominated when everyone acknowledges that its best part, and arguably the best scene of the year, is the wordless montage of the protagonist's marriage at the beginning.

The acting awards are all virtual locks but I can hardly comment on them. Nothing to say about Mo'Nique since I haven't seen Precious, but Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga were the best thing about Up in the Air by far. I've seen none of the films involved in the Best Actress race so no argument from me on whether Meryl or Sandy should win. I haven't seen Crazy Heart - sensing a pattern here? - either but Jeremy Renner was good in The Hurt Locker, whereas George Clooney was content to play Danny Ocean for a fourth time in Up in the Air.

With Best Supporting Actor, I've only seen the movie with the odds-on favorite, but at least I can think of other performances I enjoyed. Christoph Waltz sunk his Austrian teeth into his role in Inglourious Basterds and is 99.9% guaranteed a well-deserved win. But I would have loved seeing Fred Malamed get recognition for his role as Sy Ableman in A Serious Man, or Tom Noonan as Mr. Ulman in The House of the Devil. I'd proverbially listen to both of those guys read the proverbial phone book. And although other members of In the Loop's ensemble cast stand out more, nobody was more odious than David Rasche.

Now the one for all the marbles, Best Picture. (If I may talk about snubs for a second, besides In the Loop of course, I thought Star Trek was a lot of fun and would certainly be worthy of a spot) Precious and An Education are on my Netflix queue. I have no interest in seeing heroic rich white people rescue impoverished illiterate black athletes in The Blind Side. That leaves 7 out of 10, which isn't bad. Up in the Air was decent but not spectacular. It wasn't even the best movie with "Up" in the title. Speaking of Up, it's good but I feel its inclusion is partially to atone for last year's snub of Wall-E. District 9 and Avatar are two sides of the same coin, except one is just as good as the other, isn't as cliched, and was produced for a tenth of the cost. That leaves the two war movies, The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds. The former isn't as fresh in my memory, but it was very good and I wouldn't be angry if it won (it's certainly preferable to Avatar). However, I have to give the edge to Inglourious Basterds.

Awesomely awesome takedown of Taylor Swift's music

2010-02-09T22:54:00.002-06:00

http://www.autostraddle.com/why-taylor-swift-offends-little-monsters-feminists-and-weirdos-31525/

Autostraddle appears to be a lesbian pop culture blog so it's no surprise that I'd never heard of it before, and that I probably won't make it regular reading since I'm not its target audience. But this unabashedly anti-Swift, pro-Gaga article has everything I wanted to read, plus an infographic!

You should read it too, of course, but here are the highlights.

"Taylor Swift the Person is, obviously, a good human being."

"Taylor Swift is a feminist’s nightmare."

"When Beyoncè was Swift’s age, she was onstage with Destiny’s Child, proclaiming: 'The house I live in / I’ve bought it / The car I’m driving / I’ve bought it / All the women who are independent / Throw your hands up at me!'”

"Why does Swift seem, at 20, a decade younger than [23-year-old] Lady Gaga?"

"Taylor, look at Lady Gaga in that bathtub [ref] and tell me that you’re the one in the bleachers:"

"That’s right. All Abigail had was her hymen."

"Lady Gaga is viscous hungry sex in hellfire. She’s more theatrical than Broadway and every night she sings in romantic open fists. Lady Gaga opens her dress, extracts her gut, assembles it in shapes splashed in sinister glitter and then shatters her dangerous violent diamonds onto the piano and screams FIRE and it sounds like bad romance."

Super Bowl halftime shows, post-Nipplegate

2010-02-07T22:34:00.002-06:00

There have been six Super Bowl halftime shows since the infamous 2004 performance that featured Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson. These performers are: Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, and The Who. Going by these acts and/or their lead singers:

- All six have been male.

- Five out of six have been white.

- All six have been rock acts.

- The average age at the time of performance is 58.8 years old.

While I don't think anyone necessarily has fond memories of the 2001 show that included 'N Sync, Nelly, and Britney Spears, at least it was diverse.

Let's talk about how dull Terminator Salvation is.

2010-01-25T23:16:00.005-06:00

The Terminator franchise has been living on borrowed time since 2003. As in the series, judgement day was inevitable.

T3 could be the definition of an unnecessary sequel. It arrived in theaters 12 years after T2, a blockbuster success widely lauded as one of the best science fiction and action films ever made. Its star was in his fifties, far past his prime. James Cameron was not involved; director Jonathan Mostow only had a few films to his name. It was a money grab.

Strangely, it ended up being far better than it had any right to be. The action sequences were excellent - I dare anyone to think of a car chase in the 00's better than the Champion crane scene. And the film ended with the ballsy choice of John Connor failing to prevent Judgement Day.

History repeated itself yet again with Fox's Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles, which blithely reset continuity so that the third movie didn't exist. Once more, what appeared at first glance to be a cash-in ended up a hugely entertaining and surprisingly deep story with solid action sequences.

Enter Terminator Salvation, which ignored the series and picked up where T3 left off. Nobody would accuse McG of being a director on the level of James Cameron but he was a step up from Mostow in terms of name recognition. With Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator model no longer the focus, John Connor became the main character - a buff John Connor played by Batman himself, Christian Bale.

Reviews were lukewarm at best. They caused me to put off watching the film until it came out on DVD, but they couldn't get me to ignore it entirely. After all, the series had proven me wrong twice before.

Unfortunately, Terminator Salvation is devoid of everything that had previously made the franchise fun to watch.

There have always been four primary, inter-related issues at stake for the protagonists in the bulk of the Terminator franchise:

1. There is an unstoppable killing machine after us. Dying sucks, so we'd better run and/or hide.
2. We need to figure out how to kill it. The Terminator won't quit until we are dead; therefore, we must destroy it. Unfortunately, it's really hard to kill a Terminator.
3. We need to stop Judgement Day. Because the apocalypse sucks more than dying does.
4. John Connor must live. If Judgement Day does happen, John Connor must be alive so he can lead the human Resistance.

Terminator Salvation diminishes these stakes or removes them entirely. Judgement Day has happened and Skynet is everywhere. Terminators remain hard to kill, but the models aren't as advanced. Even if John's father, Kyle Reese, were to die before he traveled to the 1980's to impregnate Sarah Connor, it's hard to imagine John Connor vanishing into thin air. The franchise has played fast and loose with time travel so often that it's fair to say anything goes. Thus, the Terminator franchise turns what was once a chase or cat-and-mouse series into a standard action film, and a far less interesting one at that.

Now some words on the cast. Terminator Salvation's male leads, as of today, also starred in the second- and third-highest grossing films in US history. But Christian Bale wasn't the main draw in The Dark Knight, it was Heath Ledger. The Batman franchise has never put much stock in Bruce Wayne; the actor needs to look plausible as a millionaire and have a gruff voice. That's why Michael Keaton is believable as the Caped Crusader and why Wired called voice actor Kevin Conroy the best Batman of all time. Similarly, Sam Worthington's talents had no bearing on Avatar. In their most profitable roles, Bale and Worthington aren't just playing other people, they're playing other people whose alter egos outshine themselves. This is a longwinded way of saying that Bale and Worthington have no charisma.

Oh, and Worthington can't keep from slipping out of his American accent.

The John Connor of T2 was a little brat. Nick Stahl's John Connor didn't look like an action hero at all, and T:SCC's Connor was a reluctant, even unwilling savior. Christian Bale just yells a lot and looks intense.

Furthermore, the future of the first Terminator movie looked appropriately dark and grungy (it helped that the film was made on a surprisingly low budget) and the Resistance was a ragtag group of survivors. The future of Terminator Salvation takes placed in a bleached-out Mad Max-ian California and the Resistance operates like an uncoordinated but well-equipped paramilitary group with a puzzling hierarchical structure or lack thereof.

I shall be merciful for a second. Terminator Salvation has some excellent practical effects, and in terms of lackluster 2009 action films, it's not as bad as X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its biggest crime is its mediocrity. But dammit, this is a franchise that I've come to expect something out of. People lauded Bryan Singer's take on X-Men for using pop culture sci-fi to explore thematically rich concepts. Well, I feel like I've just seen the Terminator series' version of X-Men: The Last Stand. And now that Lionsgate has purchased the rights, I'm afraid that my days of being surprised by the franchise have come to an end.

A Man for New Seasons - Spartacus: Blood and Sand

2010-01-24T17:34:00.002-06:00

I hold a soft spot in my heart for lowest common denominator TV shows. For instance, the recent Conveyor Belt of Love, which presented 30 pieces of man candy on a conveyor belt to five (mostly) shallow women. If it's not picked up as a series, I'll be crushed. In fact, most of my televised guilty pleasures are crappy dating shows (Next, elimiDATE, Who Wants to Marry My Dad?).

Lack of imagination is the precise reason that I watched the first episode of Starz' new series Spartacus: Blood and Sand. It steals Gladiator's plot, 300's visual style, Deadwood's profanity, and True Blood's proclivity for nudity in order to make a show that's only slightly original. Perhaps later episodes will see Spartacus mature into its own concept, but the pilot sticks to well-trod territory.

In fact, the show might not even mature, period. 300 trumped the ideals of liberty and decried servitude, although the movie made no philosophical argument deeper than "isn't violence awesome?" Spartacus merely sees it fit to give the audience pumped-up action scenes and full frontal nudity. Yes, Spartacus isn't afraid to show some bush, although one gets the feeling that Viva Blanca's Iliythia is a tad, er, well manicured, even for the daughter of a Roman Senator.

It should be said, though, that Spartacus' pilot works surprisingly well as self-contained episode while introducing the characters and setting up the plot. Thracian Spartacus (Andy Whitfield) pledges allegiance to Rome as an auxiliary to their army in order to protect his village, he deserts when Roman commander Glaber (Craig Parker) reneges on his deal to defend Thrace, but the Romans eventually capture him and his wife. She's absconded to who knows where; he's sent to be gladiator fodder but his underdog victory in a 1-on-4 fight earns him a spot in gladiator training.

The only real star in Spartacus is Lucy Lawless, and it's only other actor of note is John Hannah (Rachel Weisz's ne'er-do-well brother in The Mummy). Whether they'll be able to do anything with the material remains to be seen. Most of the other actors - especially Whitfield - just need to scowl and look good while wearing little or no clothing. Parker isn't very menacing as Glaber, nor does he look particularly Romanesque. The show requires Blanca to look hot and bitchy as Glaber's wife, and she's pretty good at that.

Fortunately, skilled actors aren't necessary for trashy, campy goodness. As long as the series' post-production team is liberal with the digital blood, the fights remain unnecessarily violent, the characters have devious agendas, the dialogue is overwrought, and there are three sex scenes per episode, scenery chewing will be the cherry on top. Shockingly, critics who have seen later episodes claim that the writers eventually place an emphasis on plot - and they don't screw it up either.

I don't get Starz but the fine folks of Netflix are streaming the first episode on their website. I can only hope that they'll provide the rest of the season too, because Spartacus could be the perfect mindless entertainment to help me survive the winter.

Let's talk about how lifeless Caligula is.

2010-01-19T21:40:00.002-06:00

I don't think anyone watches Caligula because they actually want to watch Caligula. If you want to watch an epic about Rome featuring noted British thespians, you'll watch I, Claudius. If you want to watch porn, you'll download it off the Internet. Caligula promises the least of both worlds.

Even its reputation as a cult film has little to offer. Plan 9 From Outer Space has been re-appropriated as a comedy. Cannibal Holocaust is test of endurance. Caligula, however, is best known for being just plain bad.

Roger Ebert's review of it is one of his zero star classics and is itself a case study in why we watch bad cinema. "The human being is a most curious animal." he writes, "often ready to indulge himself in his base Inclinations, but frequently reluctant to trust his better Instincts. Surely people know, going in, that 'Caligula' is worthless. Surely they know there are other movies in town that are infinitely better. Yet here they are at 'Caligula.' It is very sad." Of course, these words merely add to the film's legend. The first time I read this review, I must have been in middle school. My father had an old copy of an Ebert movie guide in his office, and I'd read the reviews when I had nothing better to do. This, kids, is what budding cinephiles did in the days before widespread Internet access. I didn't know at the time that a decade later, I'd have seen movies at the Davis Theater, the exact same one that Ebert saw Caligula in. I've spent the bulk of my life watching movies in shiny new suburban gigaplexes. It's comforting, in a sense, to know that I've walked through the same lobby where a patron called Caligula "the worst piece of shit I have ever seen."

Netflix has added quite the stable of films to their "watch instantly" section lately, including a sizeable chunk of the Criterion Collection. These are films that Ebert gave the highest of accolades to in that old book of reviews. I can't remember them. But I remember Caligula. And when it's presented via Netflix as a sunk cost, it's too enticing to pass up.

Plainly speaking, Caligula shows the title character's ascent to Emperor of Rome, and his subsequent downfall and assassination. What draws viewers in is the mix of epic historical drama mixed with wall-to-wall nudity and, depending on which version you see, explicit pornography (Caligula is the Blade Runner of trash cinema; a comparatively tame version clocks in at around 102 minutes, the uncensored version is an hour longer, and multiple edits exist in between). Both the screenwriter and director disowned it. The producer was Penthouse founder Bob Guccione. Production problems were endemic. How could anyone not want to watch this?

And yet, despite both aesthetic and carnal appeal, Caligula is, pun oh-so intended, flaccid. With precious few exceptions, the film fails on every level imaginable.

- The plot is impossible to follow, which could be explained by the fact that...
- The editor seemingly took a hatchet to the footage. Partially excusable because I assume he had to chop away huge swaths of sexually explicit scenes that were laced together with the plot.
- This means, of course, that the nudity is completely devoid of any eroticism, sensuality, or even good old smuttiness. In turn, I doubt the sex scenes were any good to begin with.
- The violence is similarly danced around. The film could at least have the common courtesy of grossing me out.
- Speaking of violence, the filmmakers expect me to believe that Romans actually executed people by running them over with a multi-story high lawn mower. I'm not making that up.
- The sets are lavish and impressive, but cavernous. Outdoor scenes excluded, Caligula always feels like it was shot on a soundstage.
- The only actor of note not wasted in his role is Malcolm McDowell, if only because he overacts like hell, God bless him.
- The only actress of note is Helen Mirren. She's as smoking hot as her role is thankless.
- The direction is melodramatic at best.

But, you counter, surely the film meant to present how unappealing Rome's decadence was. Unfortunately, it's not unappealing due to the depravity on display, it's unappealing because it's not interesting and it's staged with only a patina of competence. Caligula almost transcends itself in its final scene. Caligula's inner circle, realizing that he's gone irreparably mad, gruesomely murder him and his family. They immediately pronounce his uncle Emperor, and peons wash the blood off the marble staircase. The editing neuters its full impact but these few minutes have more magnetism than the rest of the film combined. It's brutally poetic. One imagines a work that could truly capture the spirit of an ancient civilization, where the depravity wasn't sanitized softcore porn or laughable camp but an honest look at how a mighty empire destroyed itself from within. That film will never be made.

Caligula is unquestionably a bad movie. But I'll remember it more vividly than I'll remember, say, Sherlock Holmes. And there will always be the intrigue of that unedited version, tempting me to watch it even though I know it can't possibly be worthwhile. Great art is hard to find, but the bottom of the barrel never fails to provide the thrill of the chase.

Twiveblogging update

2010-01-03T21:10:00.002-06:00

So, here's the deal. I finished reading Twilight before the end of the 2009. It's a really fast read (shocker), which makes chapter-by-chapter recaps somewhat laborious. When you can knock out a chapter or two each day just on your lunch break and the train ride home it's easy to fall behind, even when writing about one chapter each day.

Writing about Twilight is also highly subject to the law of diminishing marginal returns. The rising action isn't a steady climb so much as a plateau followed by a sharp incline. After a while there's only so much you can write about Bella learning more about Edward while falling more deeply in love with him/describing him in excruciatingly fawning detail. And that's essentially the entire middle portion of the book.

The most enjoyable part of Twilight isn't it's plotting, anyway. It's the constant stream of adjectives used to describe how perfect Edward is, or how Meyer's writing never seems quite right, or how Bella becomes more insufferable by the page. God knows there's little going on thematically to write about. Twilight is all about the experience of reading it, just as it's more fun to make fun of a bad movie with your friends while watching it than it is to describe that movie to them afterwards.

And yet, to stop writing about it at this point would be giving up.

I feel that I must continue. Quicker than before, summarizing a few chapters each in a post, perhaps. For while Twilight may not be fascinating page-by-page, there is still plenty to talk about.

Best films of the 00's: the entirely non-comprehensive top 13

2010-01-01T12:58:00.005-06:00

28 Weeks Later
About a Boy
Children of Men
The Incredibles
Into the Wild
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Memento
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Spellbound
United 93
Wall-E

Yes, thirteen. Ten is a somewhat arbitrary number and this is a somewhat arbitrary list. The problem with lists that have such a broad span is that there are several movies from the first half of the aughts that I can't remember well enough to accurately rank. I know that I enjoyed Chicken Run, City of God, The Corporation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Finding Nemo, Kill Bill, and Ocean's Eleven, but how well would they hold up? About a Boy has become something of a sentimental favorite because I watch it every Christmas, perhaps if I watched the others as often I wouldn't have to guess. I thought The Mist was an exceptional thriller but I watched it more recently than Signs, which at the time I thought was one of the best films of its year. On the flip side, United 93 is a movie that (for obvious reasons) I have no desire to watch again. The easiest solution would be a sizable honorable mentions list, but you need to draw a line somewhere. There's an odd combination of memory and gut instinct that goes into creating a list like this, so consider it totally non-committal.

More Twilight that isn't really Twilight

2009-12-24T19:57:00.002-06:00

It's been established that Twilight is fairly Wuthering Heights-tacular. Thus, McSweeny's presents: Catherine and Heathcliff audition for Twilight.

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2009/11/20quatro.html

Preview Reviews

2009-12-20T23:06:00.002-06:00

Iron Man 2: Holy balls, does this movie look like it's going to be the shit. Robert Downey Jr acting cocky? Check. Mickey Rourke acting crazy? Check. Scarlet Johansson looking totally hot with dark hair? Check. Electric whips? Explosions? Guys in robotic suits fighting robots? Check, check, check. I am a little worried about all the new heroes and villains. Iron Man worked because of Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark. The supporting cast was excellent but he carried the movie. If the sequel goes all in on a bigger-is-better approach, it risks turning into Batman Forever.

Hot Tub Time Machine: If Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure proved anything, it was that combining idiots with time travel makes for good comedy. Hot Tub Time Machine appears to be taking the same approach. The title is the plot, for chrissakes. Craig Robinson has never been unfunny in a part. And including Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" in a trailer is always a good choice no matter what the circumstances. The plot looks paper-thin, which means I'm probably in for a letdown, but I think this could still work.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 11

2009-12-14T22:38:00.003-06:00

So here's the deal: sometimes literature, actual literature, gets in the way of crap. Also, I don't like reading Twilight on the train where people can see me reading it. So I'm a tad behind.

Chapter 11 isn't much different than the chapters that come before it, in that it's more of Bella and Edward getting to know each other/deepening their mutual obsession with each other. While they continue to get closer to each other, Edward still wants to stay distant, and Bella would rather that everyone besides Edward just leave her alone. Like most of these middle chapters, it's light on plot.

There is one exception: Hottie McWerewolf himself, Jacob Black, reappears. Granted, at this point Jacob was just a normal teenager, and not the underage heartthrob he became in late 2009. Believe it or not, there was a time when he looked exactly like a young girl. Jacob's father is friend's with Bella's, and they all arrive at la casa Swan while Edward is still hanging out in the front yard, causing him to hightail it outta there. Apparently, Jacob really wasn't kidding when he said that vampires and werewolves didn't like each other.

I've learned, though, that the joys of Twilight have (thus far) little to do with its paper-thin plot and more to do with those moments where you can't believe the shit you're reading. For instance:

The science teacher shows a video during class instead of lecturing. "Mr. Banner shoved the tape into the reluctant VCR," Meyer writes, her use of personification not wrong, per se, but gratingly clumsy.

Bella is still a bitch to her friends. In gym class, good old Mike offers to be her partner for some sort of sport involving a racket - it's never specified what exactly they're playing - since Bella turns into Inspector Clouseau whenever sports are involved. Here, Bella learns the true meaning of friendship. "'Don't worry, I'll keep out of your way.' He grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike."

The anonymous CD that Bella listened to in chapter 7 reappears in all of its ambiguous glory. Wouldn't you know, Edward owns it too! That same, unnamed CD! Small world. Bands out there, if your songs have "a little too much bass and shrieking" and "complicated drum patterns," you've got a stake in Twilight. Once again, the popular theory that Bella is merely a cipher for the reader to project all of her (and yes, I do mean "her") characteristics upon gains ever more weight.

The most inexplicable Preview Reviews ever

2009-12-06T11:41:00.002-06:00

Death at a Funeral: There's an episode of 30 Rock where Tracy Morgan's character describes his involvement in an African-American remake of An Affair to Remember titled A Blaffair to Rememblack. In 2010, life will imitate art when he stars in the ensemble comedy Death at a Funeral, a remake of the 2007 British comedy of the same name. Was the original too British for American audiences or was it too white? Only history will tell us the answer.

It gets better, though: the director is Neil LaBute. Yes, acclaimed playwright and pilloried filmmaker Neil LaBute, he who bestowed upon the world Nicolas Cage punching out a woman while dressed in a bear costume. If anyone knows what an urban audience wants, it's him.

As for the trailer itself, it's actually not bad. The comedy is pretty broad but the original doesn't look like it was restrained either, and the cast is loaded with talent. Peter Dinklage even plays the same part he played in the British version. I'm not sure why the preternaturally bland James Marsden was chosen for such a zany role, though. Death at a Funeral might not be a bad film in the end, but it could certainly win an award for "least necessary."

Then again, maybe people just can't help but remake this movie: there's a Bollywood version of it too.

Spanish Movie: I fondly remember reading all those reviews of [REC] and The Sea Inside and seeing critics say, "I wish somebody spoofed this in the vein of Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans." Boy, was I in luck when I stumbled upon this trailer. Finally, that damn Almodovar gets what he deserves! I haven't remembered a lick of Spanish since my first year of college, so I can't translate any of the jokes, but who needs to when you have Leslie Neilsen mugging en Espanol? I still can't figure out what's more baffling: that this movie actually exists, or that Spaniards are calling their own spoof movie Spanish Movie?

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 10

2009-11-28T20:35:00.003-06:00

Sweet, another placeholder chapter. Twilight comes to a standstill whenever the "action" moves to Forks High - who am I kidding, the entire story is lugubriously paced but that's beside the point.

Edward, ever the gentleman, drives Bella to school. Edward mentions that he's "breaking all the rules now" by canoodling with her, which is unintentionally amusing. Girls love the bad boy in the biker gang, well this one is such a bad boy that even the biker gang can't handle him anymore!

A long day of gossiping with her dipshit friends awaits Bella, given that they saw Bella and Edward together over the weekend. Bella has the drop on them, though, because her new squeeze can read their minds. That is, she will if she can survive being in Edward's presence. "He paused to catch a stray lock of my hair that was escaping the twist on my neck and wound it back into place. My heart spluttered hyperactively." I'm no expert on anatomy but it sure sounds like Bella's heart is hemorrhaging blood while simultaneously beating arrhythmically. There's almost collateral damage - "three people walking in the door stopped to stare at" Bella and Edward. I'm imagining a Three Stoges-style collision nearly being averted but that's just life at Forks High.

Bella has a great chance to turn the tables on Edward, but of course she blows it. She knows he's eavesdropping when she tells Jennifer about her "date" with Edward, so when she mentions how the waitress was gawking at him but he ignored her, she does so slightly toyingly. It's the first spark of life from her in the entire book. The rest of the time, though, she worries too much about what Edward is picking up. Bella's remark that she thinks she likes Edward more than he likes her proves to be a bone of contention during their lunch together, although since this is a Bella/Edward conversation it's predictably coma-inducing. For the record, she's wrong, but Edward isn't going to win World's Most Passionate Lover anytime soon, especially because he's intentionally distancing himself from Bella. Somehow this makes her fall for him even more.

There's also the usual bits about everyone in the cafeteria staring at them and Bella being unable to function in Edward's presence. It's not my fault this crap isn't fun to summarize.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 9

2009-11-27T19:39:00.004-06:00

Chapter 9 is a continuation of the eighth chapter; Bella had been grilling Edward, now it's Edward's turn. He wants to know Bella's latest theory about his identity, but instead of her usual lame-brained superhero claptrap, she pulls out the vampire card. She claims that she doesn't buy it - after all, her exhaustive research on Google proved insufficient. But she also tells Edward that "it doesn't matter to me what you are." Slightly shocking for those of us who don't read between the lines, but we know that what she really means is that she doesn't care because he's sculpted from pure marble. That doesn't stop her from asking how old he is. He's seventeen, of course... but he's been seventeen for a while. Naturally, Bella's only reaction is that she's "pleased that he was still being honest with me." It's one thing to drink blood, but for the love of God don't lie about it.

Side note - Edward's one vice is driving expensive cars fast. It's a breath of fresh air to know that somebody in Forks is capable of having a good time, unlike You-Know-Who.

The beautiful thing about dealing with mythological creatures is that you can invent your own rules if what is popularly accepted doesn't suit your whims. Critics can bloviate all they want about Twilight vampires not being "real" vampires but unless you're well-versed in European folklore, you don't know shit about a real vampire and oh yeah, last time I checked vampires aren't real anyway (if you really want a vampire powers/weaknesses primer, check out this chart. So of course Edward can walk in the daylight and doesn't sleep in a coffin, those are just silly myths. He doesn't sleep in a coffin because he doesn't sleep - he's Cameron! - and the daylight thing... well, we all know what happens to these vampires in the daylight. He does drink blood, though, but he sticks to animal blood.

The rest of their conversation is not untrod ground, and I doubt it'll be the last variation on this theme. Edward talks about how dangerous he is, Bella says she doesn't care, Edward repeats that he's dangerous but doesn't leave her alone, etc. A more gifted author, or at least one not trying to pander to a certain audience, could mine this material for something useful. Frankenstein isn't a classic story simply because it's a gothic monster tale but because the creature aspires to be more than an abomination while fully realizing that he's damned. It's possible that Edward will have a compelling explanation for why he desires Bella, but Bella's love for Edward will almost certainly be solely predicated by the fact that he's exotic and gorgeous.

Hence the final sentences of the chapter, after Bella arrives safely at home. "About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second there was part of him - and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." He's James Dean with fangs, and he'll never be characterized deeper than that.

We interrupt our Twilight coverage to bring you more Twilight.

2009-11-27T14:40:00.002-06:00

From the video geniuses at Black20, who also blessed us with Transforminators, Saw School Musical, and the PG version of 300.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 8

2009-11-23T22:17:00.003-06:00

After the previous chapter's plotless crapfest, it's only fair that we get a lot of activity in chapter 8. Bella and her loser "friends" go dress shopping for the Sadie Hawkins dance - Bella still intends on skipping, but somebody has to squeal about how cute one dress is and how another is so totally wrong, etc. They split up before dinner so Bella can check out a bookstore but of course she gets her dumb ass lost, and very nearly mugged/raped/murdered by some street toughs. Good thing Edward is there to save the day.

Yes, he's Bella's knight in sparkly armor, but right now he's too busy trying to keep from devouring her would-be attackers to be a proper Prince Charming. Fortunately he's got just what he needs to take his mind off of his bloodlust. "Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he tells Bella, perhaps with more insight than Meyer had in mind.

Edward can't keep up such suspicious behavior without an explanation, so he takes her to dinner. The waitress treats him like she needs a change of panties, and all of a sudden it hits me: Edward is Jon Hamm. For those of you who watched 30 Rock last year, Edward is the equivalent of the doctor who coasts through life by virtue of his staggering good looks. For those of you who don't watch 30 Rock, take a gander at this magnificent hunk of beefcake:

Fred Phelps would go gay for this man.

This, meanwhile, is what Edward looks like in the Twilight movies:

Robert Pattinson looks like he does more cocaine than Kristen Stewart.

I suppose when it comes to the ideal man, tweenage girls and I don't see eye to eye. I think I should be pleased.

Before I delve into our future soul mates' conversation, I should note the following sentence: "Edward was shrugging out of his jacket." It's one of those syntactical choices that cause mental red flags to pop up everywhere, and it's not the only time Meyer uses this expression, either.

Edward gets down to brass tacks: he can read everyone's mind, but for some reason he can't read Bella's. He admits to stalking her but it's for her own good: "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes." And he confesses that it was all he could do to keep from murdering the thugs she ran into. Not only does Bella take all of this information completely in stride, but she's more fascinated by him than ever before. The things you can get away with when (depending on what people find attractive) you have a jaw that's composed entirely of square angles or look like you haven't brushed your hair since the Clinton administration.

Sometimes I read actual literature: Nickel and Dimed

2009-11-22T14:11:00.002-06:00

I picked up a free used copy of Barbara Ehrenreich's Nickel and Dimed and decided to give it a shot, since I don't like being seen reading Twilight in public.

For those of you who haven't taken Intro to Sociology in the past five years, Ehrenreich takes a break from being a journalist and goes "undercover" to see what life is like as a member of the working poor. Whether it's in a Twin Cities Wal-Mart or a restaurant in Key West, she abandons her upper-class privilege and guts out living on scant hourly salaries. Spoiler alert: she thinks wages are too low.

To my surprise, it's very lighthearted. That's not to say that it's a cheerful romp through the travails of the lower class, but Ehrenreich's voice and sense of humor keep the proceedings from being too depressing. A nonfiction book such as this lives and dies on how well you identify with the author, and Ehrenreich is a very likable protagonist. She's done her research on nationwide trends, too; anyone willing to dismiss her reports as anecdotal evidence would do well to check out her footnotes. Nickel and Dimed is dependently liberal but it's not a screed.

Nickel and Dimed was written and published during a period of American prosperity, in the sweet spot of the dot-com bubble. Ehrenreich continually describes a tight labor market and how the poor have vanished from the public consciousness. It's grimly amusing how times have changed.

There's no question that Nickel and Dimed works, but whether it holds up under scrutiny or not is debatable. Though it's now a staple of college classes, it's not as academically sound as, say, William Julius Wilson's When Work Disappears (which, incidentally, is also ten times as depressing). It's no secret that Ehrenreich resides on the left side of the political spectrum, but the casual reader doesn't realize how so. According to Very Reliable Source Wikipedia, she's involved with the Democratic Socialists of America and NORML. This information doesn't discredit her, of course, but it's valid to assume that in writing Nickel and Dimed, she found what she was looking for.

That's the assertion of Adam Shepard, anyway, who wrote Scratch Beginnings as a response. Some cursory research into his book - where he sets out to find work in Charleston, SC with $25 and nothing else - has made me interested in reading it, not that my bookshelf isn't crowded enough as it is. Ehrenreich found nothing but failure; he ended up with a car, an apartment, and some money in savings. Of course, he's fresh out of college whereas she's a woman in her fifties, and he seemed to be pretty biased going into his social experiment himself. Ehrenreich relied heavily on residential hotels for shelter, a far more costly choice than a long-term apartment lease. But her experiment requires her to take short-term housing, and her research shows that she's not the only one blowing money on week-by-week housing. Nonetheless, it's always good to stay skeptical, even when reading a lauded work like Nickel and Dimed. Ehrenreich has a new book out about the pitfalls of optimism, and I'd love to check it out if I ever have the time. Shitty books don't read themselves, you know.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 7

2009-11-19T22:34:00.002-06:00

Time to see what Bella Swan is up to this week in It's Always Surly in Forksadelphia.

As you may recall, Chapter 6 ended with a werewolf telling Bella that her hot frenemy is a vampire. She's having a hard time processing this information, naturally, and has a nightmare where Jacob turns into a wolf and attacks her and Edward comes to her rescue. Society can refine itself all it wants, but - and doubly so in the horror genre - sex will always equal death.

It also bears mentioning that there's a ridiculous sequence preceding Bella's dream where she tries to lose herself in music. Meyer doesn't tell us who the artist is, though, and doesn't even make one up, leading to sentences that are excruciating in their awkwardness.

The next day, Bella does some research on vampires, using the always reliable source The Internet. Frustrated by what she finds, she decides to go for a walk in the woods and... whatever.

I'm sorry, I don't feel like summarizing the rest of the chapter. It sucks. It really, really does.

Even people with no experience in creative writing has heard that it's better to show and not tell. Alas, Meyer is writing for a young audience using a first-person narrator, so all the reader gets is tell, tell, tell. The fact that Bella does all the telling makes it worse. Telling instead of showing isn't just the work of an unskilled author, it's also painfully boring. To make things worse, there are unbearable stretches where all of the sentences have "I" as the subject.

In summary, when Chapter 7 comes to a merciful end Bella is confused, sullen, and a pain in the ass. Same as it ever was.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 6

2009-11-15T12:14:00.003-06:00

It's a brand new world for Twilight's sixth chapter: the beginnings of Team Jacob.

Bella and her loser friends go to La Push for the day. Perhaps my mind was playing tricks on me, since I've been itching to visit the Pacific Northwest for a few years now, but Meyer's description of the coastline isn't half bad - dare I say evocative.

The kids from Forks are soon joined by some young Quileutes from the nearby reservation. One of them is a boy named Jacob. As in, this is how Meyer introduces him: "All I caught was that one of the girls was also named Jessica, and the boy who noticed me was named Jacob." The second time she mentions him: "three teenagers from the reservation perched around the circle, including the boy named Jacob." That's the thing about Meyer's oft-maligned writing, it's not bad per se, it just doesn't sound right. There's something oddly entertaining about the writing of ESL students; they know the language well enough but their sentences verge on idiosyncratic. Meyer's work, however, simply begs for an editor.

Jacob isn't a total dip like the rest of the Forks bunch and somehow manages to let Bella's good side shine for once. She even manages to joke around with him. Is it because he has an actual personality, or is it because he has "a very pretty face"? I'd say it's 50/50.

Unfortunately, Bella ruins everything by attempting to flirt with Jacob in an attempt to pry information about the Cullens out of him. Once again she constantly reminds us that it's "a stupid plan" that is "sure-to-be-pitiful" and that Edward does it better. It's as if she wants us to hate her.

The plan works, though. Jacob is apparently a sucker for a clumsy face so he gives her some info on the down-low about not only the Cullens but the Quileutes. Not only do tribal legends claim that the Cullens are vampires, they also state that the Quileutes descended from wolves, effectively making them werewolves - and the natural enemies of vampires. Not that Jacob would ever believe that. Those are just old ghost stories, right?

In a book saturated with stupidity, I have to grudgingly admit that turning a Native American tribe into a pack of werewolves is pretty ingenious, given that American cultural history has always (possibly apocryphally) painted Native Americans as being one with nature. But really, again with the werewolves vs vampires thing? Was ripping off Underworld too enticing to pass up? Maybe I'm just not as in touch with current trends as the kids are these days but it's always seemed like a half-baked rivalry concocted just to put two mythical creatures in opposition with each other. Guess I should start writing that spec script about Frankensteins vs mummies.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 5

2009-11-14T12:27:00.002-06:00

We open as Edward continues to mercilessly play mind games with Bella. This time, Captain Passive Aggressive invites Bella to sit with him during lunch, a big deal considering that Edward only sits with the rest of his family. There's also the fact that the most attractive man in human history is plucking little ol' Bella from the throngs of the great unwashed.

Edward is "giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." A breath of fresh air given how we've been saddled with our perpetually high-strung heroine. Edward and Bella engage in some banter about what kind of person he really is, and a recurring theme emerges: their deep conversations are mind-numbingly uninteresting. Edward plays everything close to the vest, what with the whole vampire thing and all. Bella is Bella. And thus we get two people perpetually dancing around a subject. Bella's theory about Edward is that he's a superhero, and she actually wants him to take her seriously.

"Please just tell me one little theory." His eyes still smoldered at me. [ed: OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME SOMETHING CANNOT SMOLDER AT SOMETHING ELSE.]

"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?" Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover?

"That's not very creative," he scoffed.

"I'm sorry, that's all I've got," I said, miffed.

"You're not even close," he teased.

"No spiders?"

"Nope."

"And no radioactivity?"

"None."

"Dang," I sighed.

"Kryptonite doesn't bother me either," he chuckled.

"You're not supposed to laugh, remember?"

That's Bella in a nutshell. Edward is playful, she's mopey and unimaginative. Even Meyer cant' stand the conversation, apparently, because she decides to pull out the stops with Edward. "What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"

Fortunately, lunch ends, saving the reader from more of this dreck. Time for Biology, except Edward is skipping class that day. Not because he's a rouge, but because they're doing blood tests in class. Bella, of course, gets woozy even at the mention of blood and has to be carted away to the nurse's office. She's intercepted by Edward on her way, however, and smooth talks everyone into letting him take Bella home so she can recover, forcing us to slog through more dialogue between the two.

It's here that we get another indication of Twilight's shoddy writing. Meyer can't be arsed to physically describe anyone other than Edward. The reader knows every last detail about his perfection, including minute-by-minute updates on the color of his eyes. Bella is something of a blank slate. Edward asks about Bella's mother as he drives her home, and she responds "she looks like me, but she's prettier." Compare this to Bella's initial description of her mother in the first chapter: "My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines." Keep in mind that this is the sixth paragraph in the novel and we have no idea at this point what Bella looks like. Unless you're indescribably gorgeous, you aren't worth describing at all.

Their chat in Edward's car is essentially a repeat of what they went over during lunch. Bella, Miss Congeniality as ever, says that she's the only adult in her family. Edward drops unsubtle hints that he's 100% evil. And so on.

As Edward bids her adieu at the end of the chapter, he asks her not to kill herself in a fit of clumsiness during her weekend trip to the beach. He's grinning; she snaps at him. Our soul mates, ladies and gentlemen.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter 4

2009-11-13T19:15:00.006-06:00

I realize why I like Edward so much - he's totally messing with Bella.

Forks High School's Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up, and Bella gets asked out by two different guys. Yes, you heard that right. Despite being the clumsiest girl alive, guys can't stop thinking about her. Bella doesn't have much of an ego, though, so she's annoyed by all the attention. These wannabe Romeos are fairly pathetic, too, and I'd be tempted to sympathize with her if it hadn't already been established that her vagina was an exact replica of the Sarlaac from Return of the Jedi.

The fawning gets so bad that Bella decides to give a plausible excuse for dodging her suitors. She's been cooped up in a small town for so long, so she's due for a trip to Seattle the weekend of the dance.

There's one guy in the whole of Forks who isn't nipping at her heels, and that's Edward. He might have saved her life, but that doesn't mean they're besties. He gives her the silent treatment during Biology, breaking it later to tell her that "it's better if we're not friends." Bella is none too happy: "I'd heard that before," she thinks to herself, probably because she's used to saying it. Then Edward pulls a truly devious stunt after school, intentionally holding up traffic in the parking lot so a third guy can ask Bella to the girls' choice dance.

Even better: after he fesses up about his shenanigans, he offers Bella a ride to Seattle. His sports car gets better milage than her truck, and he was planning to head up there anyway, so why not be a gentleman. Bella's feeble mind can barely function at this point, since the hottest guy in human history is playing hard-to-get with her, but she manages to acquiesce. Oh, Edward, you cad.

Chapter 4 is a good opportunity to go meta for a second. Stephenie Meyer is frequently criticized for making Bella a Mary Sue. For those of you who are unfamiliar with fan fiction terminology (lucky bastards with social lives), a Mary Sue is an author surrogate who is suspiciously idealized/romanticized. Meyer is neither a stunner nor unattractive, but assuming that she went through one of those typical childhood awkward phases, why wouldn't she want to write a character who rejects every guy in school that asks her to a dance? More to follow, I'm sure.

Top Chef Las Vegas 11/11

2009-11-11T22:03:00.003-06:00

First, let me acknowledge how stupid and useless last week's Top Chef reunion dinner was.

And now for this week's episode. Two words: Nigella Lawson. It's a good thing Toby was judging this week and not Gail, because if you put her and Nigella in the same room there'd be a souffle rising in my pants (HEY-O!). I'd never even heard of Nigella before this week.

(Googles her to check her credentials)

(notices that "Nigella Lawson breasts" is the second thing that comes up on Google's auto fill-in feature)

(no, I didn't select that option)

(discovers pictures on Google Image Search)

Ho-leeeee shit.

She's Gorgeous McBaberson. AND she says that a pannacotta "should quiver like a 17th century courtesan's inner thigh." That's the hottest thing that's been said on television, like, ever.

I'm sorry. I lost focus. There was actual cooking on this show, and quite a bit of controversy in my mind, because I think that not only should Michael not have won, Robin should not have gone home.

Yeah, you heard me.

Let's backtrack a little. The gimmick of the elimination challenge was that the cheftestants were supposed to create a dish inspired by a randomly-chosen casino. Michael got New York, New York. Easy enough, right? New York City evokes so many images, feelings, and flavors, that of course he'd come up with... a chicken wing. Because that's what New York firefighters eat. Seriously, his words. Of course, it's how the dish tastes that really counts, and it very well could have been the tastiest one of the night. I still think he half-assed the concept. Kevin and Bryan made much better connections between their food and their respective casinos.

Incidentally, I cannot be the only person who thought Bryan was a goner once he bought that stuffed animal for his son. The editors, it seems, are wising up to what we look for.

Now let's move onto the bottom half. At first I thought Jennifer was destined to be PYKAG'd. Her steak was tough and the dish looked very dark brown and unappealing. After hearing the judges pillory Eli's dish, I thought he was a lock for being sent home. Toby's appraisal during the challenge indicated that Eli decided to go big or go home and although his dish was a failure they respected that he at least aspired for something. During judges table, however, he got brutalized. Fair enough, if it was a terrible dish it was a terrible dish. Robin, at first, appeared to turn in another classic Robin performance - unquestionably bad, but not the worst dish of the night. Like Eli, she reached for the stars got hit by a 747, but wasn't quite as bad as he was. She got the boot anyway.

We all knew that Robin's exit was weeks overdue. But I still think she got robbed. To hear the judges say it, Eli's dish was hands-down the worst of the night. But Robin is Robin, so away she goes. I'll be the first to admit that I'm crazy for defending her, but you can sense the producers' interference in the judging of this episode to a ridiculous extent. Maybe I'm in a contrarian mood because Michael got the win for a conceptually lazy dish.

Power rankings? Not anymore, folks. There are five very good chefs left. Eli's laid a few eggs, and Jennifer is nose-diving, but it's a strong bunch all things considered. Kevin and the Brothers V make it to the final cook-off, and you can put that in the bank.

Wait, what?

2009-11-08T12:59:00.002-06:00

Andy Cohen is openly gay?

I'm no gayologist. My gaydar is fully functional, yet occasionally spotty.

It's a proven fact that Mr. Cohen is a douchebag. Up to this moment, I had been convinced that every douchebag in the history of douchebags had been straight. In fact, it's almost a prerequisite - see the following video for proof:

So I pose this question to you, dear reader: with the exception of Andy Cohen, is it impossible for a gay man to be a douchebag?

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapters 2-3

2009-11-08T11:35:00.005-06:00

The Bella Swan Queen Bitch Tour picks up right where it left off, as our fair lady writes emails to her hysterical mother, shops for groceries, and cooks dinner because she's the only capable member of the family. Edward, on the other hand, is nowhere to be seen for several days.

Then comes the first snow of the season, and it soon becomes fairly obvious that Stephenie Meyer has never seen snow in her life because a class period's worth of flurries is evidently enough to form snowballs. Plans are made for an epic snowball fight (nobody at this high school has matured past kindergarten, apparently) but soon abandoned once the temperature rises and the snow is washed away by the rain. I live in Chicago. I know snow. SNOW DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY.

Fortunately, this completely useless diversion coincides with Edward's return to school. To Bella's surprise, he's much friendlier to her during Biology. He's even as smart as she is, and she took an advanced science class back home in Phoenix because she's better than everybody else. And here's the real kicker - I kind of like Edward. Granted, anyone would come off like Jimmy Stewart after having to put up with Bella. But Edward is perceptive, in control during any situation, thoughtful, and well-mannered. I don't know how Robert Pattinson plays the scene in the movie, since he usually comes off as Gloomy McBrooderson, but Edward as written is one suave guy.

I'd like him a lot more if it wasn't constantly smashed into my skull that's he's so damn perfect. It's not enough that he looks like a model. Every physical thing about him is flawless. It would be enough for most attractive male specimens to have a perfect face, but Edward has a perfect smile - oh why the hell not, let's make his teeth perfect too. Curt Hening wasn't this perfect.

It's especially clear that Edward has warmed on Bella when he saves her from being hit by a van in the school parking lot, despite being nowhere near her when it barrels toward her. And his body makes a dent in it but he's not hurt. And he lifts the van up to keep it from hitting Bella. Of course he denies that anything out of the ordinary happened, insisting he was next to her the entire time.

But even when Bella's mind is consumed with suspicion it's not enough to raise the temperature of her heart past absolute zero. That guy who almost killed her keeps on profusely apologizing - what a dweeb. All of her friends that she doesn't give two shits about are in the hospital waiting room because they're so lame. That neck brace looks awkward on her, so she takes it off. And did her father really have to tell her mom that she almost died? Totally embarrassing!

We end the third chapter with Bella taking a few Tylenol to soothe her injuries. Unfortunately, instead of grabbing ten more and washing them down with a fifth of Jack, she goes to sleep and dreams of Edward. Drat.

Liveblogging Twilight: Chapter One

2009-11-06T19:43:00.004-06:00

Bella Swan is a bitch.

She's our heroine, our narrator, our emotional core in a world of vampires, and I hated her by page 7.

Maybe I don't do well with irascible youngsters as the first-person narrator - when I read Catcher in the Rye in high school I wanted to punch Holden Caulfield in the face. But Bella's problems are much lesser than a world full of phonies. Her parents divorced when she was young, and after living in Phoenix with her mother (who is "scatterbrained") during her formative years, she's spending high school tenure with her father in gloomy Forks, WA (Bella's "personal hell on Earth"). Charlie's not a bad guy, though. Sure, her new ride is an decades-old pickup truck, but he got it for her as a welcome home present. Whatcha think, Bella?

"Wow. Free."

Oh, you cunt.

So she warms on the car later. She's young, she's from a broken home, maybe she'll turn out okay eventually. Then comes the first day of school. Having been there myself, I can say that the first day at a new school sucks. It's the definition of awkward. You do your best to find some allies in the other new kids and hope that everything turns out for the best. It's even worse in a small town like Forks, where everybody knows everybody and a newcomer sticks out like a sore thumb. All eyes are on her, although in Bella's mind it's not just because she's the new girl; she's clearly superior to the small town hicks. She's desperate not to stand out, but everyone gravitates towards her nonetheless. She gets the syllabus for her English class and she's read it all before. Twice she associates bravery with those who attempt to talk to her. Girls try to befriend her but she can't remember their names. As far as the eligible bachelors of Forks go, the nerdy guy who tries to help her through her first day she labels "overly helpful." The more attractive one who helps her, however, is "the nicest person I'd met today." But then comes Edward.

He and his vampire buddies sit together at lunch, away from the great unwashed. Bella's instantly drawn to them - and why not? They're ridiculously attractive, well-dressed, and graceful. They're equally aloof, which doesn't fare well for Bella when the only free seat in her biology class is next to him. He looks like he wants to kill her the entire time, for reasons she can't fathom. When the bell rings, he bolts. "He was so mean. It wasn't fair." Poetic justice, it seems, is lost on her.

As far as first impressions of Stephenie Meyer's much bemoaned writing style, it's pretty clumsy in that easily accessible Dan Brown way but rarely terrible. It could be intentional; after all, the narrator is a teenage girl. So no demerits... yet.

It's on now: I'M BLOGGING TWILIGHT.

2009-11-05T22:03:00.002-06:00

I don't watch that many horror movies. When I do, they tend to involve zombies. But if I had to pick a second favorite monster, it would be vampires.

When I was a kid, I caught a bit of Bram Stoker's Dracula on television. I can't remember exactly what about it hooked me, but watch the trailer and it's not hard to see how it draws you in. There's a chaotic energy to the camerawork and editing, and a sumptuousness in the costumes and art design that borders on erotic. The effects are straight-up old school. And every inch of it is dripping with sex.

Yes, sex. They might be undead and totally evil but there's something damn sexy about a well-dressed, smooth talking vampire. Martin Landau mentions as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood that "If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see Dracula." If you'd rather see a young lady make out with a young lady, there's always the lesbian vampire genre. Lesbian zombies? Not in a million years. But you can't have sex without violence, and vampire movies provide plenty of that, too. The vampire movie, it seems, is tailor made for the part of the male human brain that never evolved past "caveman." Or "high school freshman" for that matter.

So imagine my surprise when a year or two ago, a new kind of vampire takes America by storm. He doesn't feast upon our fragile, virginal women. He doesn't mow through victims, leaving a trail of demolished jugulars in his wake. He's not even European. He's a sparkly brooding pretty boy and he's stolen the hearts of tweens and lonely housewives everywhere.

Seriously?

Let's not be so reactionary, you say. Remember Interview with the Vampire? It's a who's who of beefcake. Not so fast, I counter. Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas are men's men. There is no "Team Lestat."

It would be easy to mock the Twilight series sight unseen, to write off its success as the product of an easily manipulated female fan base (their brains are smaller than men's, you know). God knows I've done that with enough of pop culture's drecks already. But the Twilight series is different. It's not a phenomenon on the level of Hannah Montana or High School Musical, it's an actual, honest-to-God phenomenon; the film adaptation of the first book was the 7th highest grossing film of 2008. It earned almost $200 million. That's more than any James Bond film.

I must know my enemy.

I must read Twilight.

The case for: V

2009-11-04T21:44:00.003-06:00

V is off to a way better start than Flash Forward, ABC's other new sci-fi ensemble show (and possible successor to Lost, so hopes the network) of the 2009 television season. However, that's 100% based off of the final 10 minutes.

The majority of V is spent introducing our main protagonists and antagonists of the series and setting up the plot. It's fairly rote stuff. The exposition isn't very compelling, mostly because this is a remake and even if it weren't, everyone and their brother knows that the aliens are obviously evil. I'm predisposed to like Elizabeth Mitchell's character and think Morena Baccarin is silkily creepy, thanks to their respective turns in Lost and Firefly. Everyone else, I couldn't be bothered to care about yet. Speaking of which, add in Alan Tudyk and this show is a television sci-fi fan's wet dream. I half expected Summer Glau to show up as Cameron and blow all the aliens away. Evil aliens are why we need killer robots, people!

Fortunately, shit gets real at the end. Those terrorist cells that our heroes were investigating? They're made up of aliens! And Wash is one of them! But that black dude who used to be involved with the conspiracy theorists is here to kick ass and save the day! And now Wash is dead! And that black guy is a good alien! It's crazy and slightly predictable but by golly it works.

So yes, my endorsement of V is strictly on its potential. But I was more involved in those final minutes than I was for three episodes of Flash Forward. It's worth a shot.

Octoberfest But With Horror Movies Instead of Beer: Evil Dead edition

2009-10-28T22:53:00.002-05:00

After my experience with Drag Me to Hell, it only made sense to give director Sam Raimi's earlier horror films a shot. I made my way through 2/3 of his Evil Dead series, Evil Dead and it's sequel/remake Evil Dead II.

I almost wish that I'd only seen Evil Dead II; it's essentially the same film as Evil Dead only the budget is roughly ten times larger. Both films suffer from the same weaknesses: a complete lack of characterization, amateur performances, and a bare semblance of plot. And both films have the same strength, a madcap imagination that fuels the inventive camerawork and wall-to-wall violence. Although the first film has some superb gross-out moments in its finale that its sequel can't hold a candle to, anything that Evil Dead can do Evil Dead II can do better.

But sometimes "better" isn't good enough, and while Raimi's "Three Stooges meets Night of the Living Dead" tone is awfully fun, there's very little reason to be invested in the films. The characters - stereotypes at best, redshirts at worst - are plopped into the woods and get possessed. Ash, the erstwhile hero of the films, is remarkably bland for someone revered as a badass by fans (perhaps the screenwriters inject some life into him in Army of Darkness). I'd say that these were just rookie errors, but I didn't care much for the plot or characters in Drag Me to Hell either. I'd love to see more of Raimi, but only as a collaborator. He's worked with the Coen Brothers in the past and if the three of them teamed up for a horror film I'd be there on opening night. When it comes to him as an auteur, though, I find the results sadly lacking.